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We married about 5-6 years ago while she was on a J-Visa. Her issues with me: I'm not "there" for her, I'm not actively looking for a house for us, or considering what we can do to have kids or open to changing our apartment. My issues with her: She's not receptive or open to what I communicate to her. We don't resolve our issues, she's extremely vindictive when something goes wrong ("I want to hurt you" is what she says to me). When I suggest saving money instead of buying the most expensive item, she thinks I'm cheap. -She doesn't work, instead has her own business which loses a few thousand every year (thankfully she makes money, because she has rent on her business which is like $15K a year) -I feel a great deal of stress needing to make an income for both of us, for buying a house -She has serious highs and serious lows and changes on a dime. For example, she was all happy and went to the tub and listened to some Instagramers about having kids and immediately has become depressed and angry at me because I don't consider my body for having kids -We don't resolve our problems -If I get something, she feels she needs to have something too (e.g. if I get a cookie then she needs to equally have something) -Intellectually very difficult to talk to her, she has a lot of brain fog so conversations are not exciting and rudimentary I'm not sure what I get from our relationship, it feels like a lot of work and not much benefit. I carry the financial burden and equally do chores around the house while she spends time on Instagram and can spend time thinking about things "wrong". I'm looking in the future and not happy about where things can go. Update: We're in couples therapy and have been for a few weeks. I think it really helps solidify what she does vs helps our communication. She's also been seeing a therapist for about a year.
Couple therapy and marriage counseling
I should add, we are doing couples therapy.
It’ll get better OP! Have faith! Or set the expectations of the timeline by which you want to try more so you both can set each other free for the better after exhausting all means!
TC or GTFO
Sick
Dude come on. This is blind. Have some basic etiquette
Absolutely brutal man. It’s only gonna get worse if you have kids.
Forever worse
What made you get married in the first place? Don't make it worse by having kids. Get out before then.
@Slattt69 are you mental? Never have kids with a woman who’s goto is “I want to hurt you”
Have you expressed this to said spouse? It sounds like you should and then set the expectation that you both need to commit to actively working on things together or accept that it is unhealthy and you are not compatible and go your separate ways. Do not let years go by treading water. It is easier said than done though (personal experience).
I think we've been treading for years. Yes, I've talked to her, we just communicate different and she can't see my point. It's like trying to play in a sandbox with another kid that always wants to do it their way and can't see why the other person doesn't want to play with them.
Is she narcissistic (narcissistic personality disorder) or just selfish? It does sound like a medical evaluation/diagnosis would be helpful to assess a chemical imbalance or psychological profile.
I'm willing to work at it a bit, but we don't have forever and we're seeing a couples therapist.
Is she equally willing to work? I think a good question to ask would be: Does she satisfy you emotionally, mentally, or physically? And do you for her? Are you willing to let her satisfy you in those ways? Note; I don’t think you need all three for a healthy relationship.
Doesn't sound like a relationship worth saving OP. If therapy doesn't work, would suggest cutting ties and moving on. You only got one life bro
Yeah, I'm trying to figure that out if I need to cut now.
I feel like a lot of issues arise due to different upbringings and thus expectations related to those. Adjustments need to be made on expectations or split up
agree, she had some issues with her upbringing that she's trying to resolve with a therapist.
Yes, so somehow those hot topics need to be addressed. Like her spending lot of money… either you pretend her money is hers…. (Which a lot of cultures is like that, man salary is what provides for family and the man os fine with it)… or you leave relationship. What background is she?
Why are you still staying with her? She seems not a very good partner. Do you love her or something so that you are willing to accept all the bad habits thay she has?
Does she have bipolar disorder?
Either that or hormone imbalance can cause frequent mood changes, may be therapy can help resolve some of the issue
She thinks she has ADHD.