Seemingly at crossroads in life...seeking opinions and not judgements

Feb 25, 2018 56 Comments

So here’s my situation:
I am 41, have been married 11 years, have 2 kids (11 and 6). I am very fit (read extremely) and decent looking. Wife’s beautiful as well. Both above average as per other folks however boastful that sounds.

6 years back me and wife got into a trust situation and since then life’s not been the same. We haven’t been husband and wife since then - we have not even touched each other since then, live in separate parts of the house, sleep separately. We both love our kids to death and that’s one reason we are still together. The main reason we haven’t divorced officially coz of my immigration which is still pending the rut (I am from India).
We would have split amicably otherwise.

Last year summer on a trip, I happened to meet a woman just by coincidence and she happens to be one of the prettiest women you will ever see. Period. Extremely beautiful and at the time when I met her I didn’t know her life situation ...turns out she was going into divorce. We both came close due to our situation AND more so coz we totally match each other. Physically, mentally and in every single aspect of life. Add to this..she is a multi millionaire although that’s not important but important to mention that she is very financially secure. Also men fall for her every single day given she is so pretty and sweet. She is 48.

We both are in love. We love each other to death.

Now back to my wife she says I can do whatever provided I give her financial security and take care of kids.
I do care for my wife (technically she is still my wife). I want her to find a partner so that she can be happy as well.

So I am now at crossroads since we can’t apply for divorce as I don’t have a GC and she is on dependent visa. She works though.
I know the most selfish thing I can do is run away from my situation and just be with the one who I love. But I am very aware of my life situation and responsibilities and I will take care of my kids and wife financially for sure and be there emotionally for my kids. Can’t break their little hearts.

So I am at crossroads on what to do. Options I have are:
1. Tell my wife and maintain my relationship with the one whom I love and wait for the immigration condition to settle so that I can remarry and my wife is also in the boat to remarry. Keep living with my family and just be open. But I don’t know if my relationship will survive that.

2. Take a transfer to CA which is where my love is. Maintain both sides of my life. Of course make both sides aware of that.

3. Say goodbye to my love and make peace with life. There is no way my wife and I can get back ..that’s for sure. So this will mean both of us suffering in silence for until the kids are in college or immigration is resolved.
I can’t even imagine life without my love.

4. Take a transfer to outside US for an year, get GC in EB1 and come back and be in a better position to amicable settle down.

Please understand that this is one life we all get to live and with great difficulty we find true love. There’s no good or bad.we live with our decisions. And we have opportunity to make corrections.
Also I can get to be a citizen if I marry my love. But that’s too far fetched.

Pls don’t judge me as I am a very lovable and affable person. I have never hurt anyone other than my wife sadly.

She is a great intelligent and beautiful person, she works too and is a very very devoted mom. Our frequent arguments in the house have started affecting kids which I feel is more dangerous than we living unhappy with each other for long.

Pls don’t pass judgements again as this could happen to anyone.

Thanks for listening. Would love genuine opinions. Again pls know that I am totally fine with my wife finding a partner as well. She has no interest in me and we have already grown apart as husband wife . We haven’t even touched each other since 6 years..no kiddin. Only sticking coz of fucking immigration .

comments

Want to comment? LOG IN or SIGN UP
TOP 56 Comments
  • Oracle P/
    What happened six years ago?
    Feb 25, 2018 6
    • Microsoft Hjjdsso
      “Their culture”?! WTF does that mean? You realize how big India is? How ridiculous that statement is?
      Feb 25, 2018
    • Oracle P/
      Yeah I know. I am free the sub continent. Our culture is no different than yours. It’s not ridiculous it’s a fact. You can sound all goody goody but can’t ignore the fact.
      Feb 25, 2018
  • Adobe / Other
    grumpy1

    Adobe Other

    BIO
    An anonymous bio is an oxymoron.
    grumpy1more
    The first thing, is you should probably get some therapy. That’s not a slight/slur, but if you’re needing advice/confirmation from strangers, you should probably listen to professionals, and not random strangers on the interwebz.

    Personally, no judgement, and as someone who has made “mistakes”, if I was in your situation, I’d probably be honest with everyone.

    Tell your current wife, you’re going to have a relationship with this other person, but provide for her, defraud immigration with a sham marriage until you can both get GC/stable, and man up and provide for your wife and kids.

    If your love is willing to put up with the inconvenience of your split attention, for a few years until your immigration status is cleared, then you’re golden. (She should understand you not betraying someone your care about / the mother of your kids). if she can’t, then it wasn’t meant to be.

    You do get only one life... but sometimes a little sacrifice makes life worth living. Or at least I try to live a life that makes me proud of my own actions and hurting others as little as possible.

    But again, all that is only knowing a fragment of the situation, and talking about what I might hypothetically try to do, in that position. The bigger question is what do you want to do, and what kind of person do you want to be?

    And that’s why we’re back to find a therapist to talk it through with. They’re going to be better than a forum. And they’re professionals at helping you figure out what you want (and learning to cope with life by making the “hard decisions”), instead of impressing their biases on you, to make your decisions “easier”.
    Feb 25, 2018 3
    • Adobe / Other
      grumpy1

      Adobe Other

      BIO
      An anonymous bio is an oxymoron.
      grumpy1more
      Still not the best solution for the problem though. To understand what is really going on, would take 50 back and forth questions (without others dragging things off topic, or feeding answers). So an informed answer, isn’t likely possible. The rest is just biases.
      Feb 25, 2018
    • Microsoft Phoenix 1
      The therapist ll also give some psychological BS, and there won't be much healthy discussion and mere one sided monologue. Here there is at least a healthy to and fro without revealing identity, which can be very empowering for some to express issues more openly.
      Feb 25, 2018
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Microsoft **Ptr++
      I think it’s Vishnu who has multiple hands. But if I understand it correct Shiva is the destroyer. @CELA, look what you’ve done? Now we have to read about Hindu Gods instead of trying to help OP here.
      Feb 25, 2018
    • Microsoft maverickk
      Don't judge others @CELA. Everyone makes mistakes. If you don't have anything nice/helpful to say then STFU.
      Feb 25, 2018
  • Juniper / Ops shitposter
    do what your heart craves. remember, there's no karma in life. just look at who got to be the President.
    Feb 25, 2018 4
    • Juniper / Ops shitposter
      you didn't even care to correct Jupiter to Juniper. Ouch.
      Feb 26, 2018
    • Juniper Nishit
      Funny how people read Juniper as Jupiter!
      Nov 15, 2018
  • Amazon Trendy
    OP
    Thanks guys..this time most of your responses were very logical...I am going to respond back slowly...but thanks again...I know it’s very complex but I am glad I am trying to do the right thing
    And thanks again most of you...for understanding!!
    The worst thing here is - I had a love marriage ..that too against parents wishes...that’s why I have this overbearing sense of responsibility and guilt
    But I think we both will do much better if we are both happy and friends

    My wife does have a blanket H1 approved from her employer if at all H4 Ead goes kaput..just to answer some of your questions

    My GF is ready to support me with money required for business or GC...EB5..but I personally think that would be too selfish of me ..so that’s my last option...I think I will have enough money next year to go down the EB5 way
    Feb 25, 2018 2
    • Facebook dXy349
      Did you cheat on your wife? No judgement, but the curiosity is killing us..
      Feb 25, 2018
    • Microsoft Lodu
      Looks like he did. As an Indian I must say OP sure gets around a lot despite being one 😂. Damn dude you look like Hrithik Roshan or some shit?
      Feb 25, 2018
  • Microsoft maverickk
    Let me start off by saying how sad this makes me feel. I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through and I hope things work out eventually.

    There's an elephant in the room here that I think you might be overlooking...
    You said your wife is a dependent and is working which means she has a "H4 EAD". The Trump administration doesn't like this. The motion filed by "save jobs USA" will one day (maybe just a couple of months from now) abolish the EAD and that would mean she wouldn't be able to work anymore. Sitting idle at home unwillingly is the worst thing and I wouldn't wish it even upon my enemies.
    Coming back to your situation, assuming the EAD goes away, she and your children would be totally dependent on you (even just to buy groceries or pay bills). It's not a question of if but when. What happens next is anyone's guess but if I were to speculate, this is how it'd pan out. Your wife would get extremely bored of not being able to work and might end up in chronic depression or might want to move back to India. Assuming your kids spend most of their time with your wife, she'll take them along and you'd have to find a way to deal with this.

    Considering all of this, this is what you can consider doing:
    Try to convince your wife not to move back. Next, make sure she stays employed (volunteering is the only way since she'll likely not have an EAD) or move her to F1. The best case scenario here would be if she finds a partner who is a citizen so that she can get remarried and you both can move on with your lives.
    Feb 25, 2018 2
    • Microsoft Hjjdsso
      All speculation on the law. This guy needs real legal advice not this nonsense.
      Feb 25, 2018
    • Microsoft maverickk
      Then give him advice rather than nitpicking you loser.
      Feb 26, 2018
  • comScore / Other
    com_emp

    comScore Other

    PRE
    Cvent
    com_empmore
    1) Tell her the truth
    2) Ask her to get a Masters Degree so she gets on an F1 visa. She can figure out her career/life after that
    3) File for divorce amicably
    4) Make sure your kids go through the least amount of change. Their life is going to be the one that is going to be affected the most
    5) This is where counsellor comes in. You need help to navigate through this
    6) Talk to your girlfriend. Assure her she is on board with whatever plan you are proposing

    This journey is not going to be without self doubt and guilt. And it is okay to feel that. You are in an impossible situation where you are being pulled from 4 sides. The dutiful husband who cares about a person (wife), a father, and a lover, and your own desires. There will be pain. You sound like a good human being and you will get through this.
    Feb 26, 2018 1
    • Amazon Trendy
      OP
      Thanks comScore
      Feb 26, 2018
  • Cisco yUYw72
    Polyamory FTW
    Feb 25, 2018 0
  • Microsoft offchance
    1) first get her off dependent visa and figure out a way for her to be on h1. Or move her to f1, fund her education so that she can be on an h1. Getting her independent immigration status should be too priority
    2) set aside money for her and kids so that she feels comfortable
    3) continue your relationship, once wife is on her feet, file for divorce
    Feb 25, 2018 0
  • VMware cnYR72
    Why not seek legal advice? Good consult is costly but hey you have the dough man. Don't cheapskate it out here. Ugh
    Feb 25, 2018 3
    • Cisco archvile
      Besides, lawyers charge hefty fees
      Feb 25, 2018
    • Microsoft Hjjdsso
      I actually agree here. Your issue is about immigration and coparenting. You’ve already decided what you want and what you are going to do.

      Get the best lawyer(s) you can because your decision about whether to stAy in the marriage is already settled. This is too big an issue to rely on Blinders. Really.
      Feb 25, 2018

Salary
Comparison

    Real time salary information from verified employees