Not to bombard everyone with my life story, but my background is relevant to my inquiry. I was born in rural midwest (Trump land) and raised by a single father on a military income. I have three older sisters so the money was tight. My community was 100 percent white, and everyone was pretty much low to middle-class. Given our money situation, I received zero financial support from my family, but I received an athletic scholarship to attend an average University in the midwest, which I parlayed into a job in tech and an employer-sponsored masters degree at another mid-level University. TC is now $500K+. My wife is Asian (first-generation), and comes from average means, but her parents are overly generous - offering to pay for weddings, houses. Parents funded her education and continue to support her financially despite my telling her not to accept. Her cousins (who work at FB, Google, LinkedIn) all receive this kind of support from their parents. In our Bay Area neighborhood, I noticed a lot of Asian and Indian households depend on their parents for house downpayments, babysitting, cooking, etc. Is this level of support standard in Asian families? I would never think of asking my parents for anything and take pride in being my own man, so being dependant on my parent(s) at 30+ yrs. old is entirely backwards to me. I'm not asking to be a jerk, but rather to gain an understanding of why my wife's parents act as they do. We also have a newborn daughter, and feel her grandparent's generosity will lead her to a very sheltered outlook on life. Thoughts?
@vtPX83 They want their young adult kids to have easier life and focus on career advancement, also do they expect their kids to take care of them when they are older. The better their kids do, the more likely they will be taken good care of. Many of them see going to nursing home as a disaster.
Also, unrelated but thanks for providing a sane and sensible title to this question. It’s like the first one I’ve seen in forever on Blind, that’s why I don’t post so often 🤦♂️
The rich families do I suppose. Not all of us are born with a silver spoon. I am Indian and I don't rely on family for anything; it's actually the other way round. I am the one helping others. Your kid will definitely have a sheltered outlook. This is a typical clash of working class vs rich. I am surprised you haven't seen this with your wife already? I have definitely seen cases where kids gets gifted homes and cars; help with downpayment. And then I look at myself and feel miserable, some people would never understand the struggle and appreciation for hard earned money. When I hear stuff like - "it's super cheap, just a few hundred bucks" I think to myself where that statement is coming from; despite the fact that I earn more than that other person.
It's common, but changing rapidly. Indian families are tight. It can be s blessing of a bane
Asian families are more tightly knit. It’s common for parents to be involved in child’s life in many ways. Financial support generally goes the other way where children support parents. But I would not be okay with accepting any financial assistance from my wife’s family and its not a norm. But having grandparents close to kids is not a bad thing. In fact its amazing, take their support (not financial) and help in raising the kid. Kid will have great memories of his grandparents.
It's not a cultural thing, it's a parenting thing. Just look at all the rich white kids (Eric and Ivanka come to mind immediately)
Yes, it's standard - for parents to provide support to kids and for kids to take care of them. 1. It helps everyone involved, especially if you have kids or are going through tough times. 2. There's little to no "pride" factor involved because parents are considered a part of the family. Does your wife's pride take a hit if she needs money from you, or do you feel pride in giving her money? I hope the answer is no. It's the same case with parents in most Asian cultures. If you consider them a part of the family, there is no reason for calling yourself dependent/being a 'man' etc. 3. It's not a one way street. Asian kids helps them parents too during their old age, by offering time, money, etc. 4. I grew up with grandparents while both my parents were off to work. I have a lot of memories with them, and of course they cared for me more than any daycare would. My parents were able to focus on their careers, and they always took great care of my grandparents. It was a sheltered upbringing for sure, but why is that a bad thing? I grew up just fine, like most Asians.
I'm indian, and I was born into financial insecurity, and always told that I'd have to get on my own feet without too much familial support (parental or otherwise). And I tried to do the best I could, american style. So there are exceptions. Having said that, what you mentioned is indeed the norm. But there is a comeuppance of sorts; the parents who expend everything this way for their kids in the name of culture, while expecting that the same courtesy will be extended to them in their time of need, mostly find that it isn't the case. And I've seen that firsthand too.
I don’t think it’s necessarily an Asian thing. It’s just you and your in-laws have money. It would be strange to pretend that your newborn is poor when in fact she’s in affluent environment. She’s sheltered from a lot of stuff you had to go through but she’ll be exposed to challenges you didn’t have. Her life will be difficult as anyone else’s. Also you have no choice. You can’t reject the support if your wife is accepting it. Even if you did in hopes of later refusing to support her parents on the grounds that you didn’t take their help it’s not going to work. She’ll support her parents and you’ll have to support them too. You can put your own old man into retirement home but this won’t fly with her parents. SO you might as well accept the gifts and make best if it for your children
It’s standard. It’s just a different way of living. You said you have a newborn? You’ll very quickly learn to appreciate your wife’s parents’ support and involvement with the kid. (Or, well, you should already.) Now that being said, if you make plenty of money and your wife’s parents insist on supporting her financially, I would not be ok with that. (Unless I were miserly and stingy with the wife, in which case she has to get help from her parents.)