I'm curious to hear how others would feel about this or what they would do. My wife and I are both currently 30 ish. $300K TC (single income, mine only), 2 kids under 2. Some history - while my wife completed her eng PhD (5 years), I got a master's degree, moved to her city (in a relatively high COL area but not known to be a tech hub), found an entry level job at $65K, somehow worked my way up to $250K TC, and paid off my student loans. Throughout most of the 5 years I also supported her financially (rent and other living expenses, since grad school pays peanuts). I honestly kept my career as a lower priority and merely as a means to support my wife's career ambitions, as she had interests in either a long term academic career or in monetization of her research as a start up, which she estimated to have a potential upside of $xxM acquisition opportunities. After 5 years my wife completed her PhD and we also welcomed a new baby. My wife also found a postdoc position more than halfway across the country, so we moved again for her new postdoc position. I grinded to find a role with a fully remote company (Dropbox) so that I can have flexible working hours and conditions to look after the little one, and not be bound by location to remain flexible for my wife's career (so that she can basically decide to work anywhere in the world). Since having the 1st baby, my wife who had high ambitions for the longest time, suddenly decides she does not want to work ever again, and instead wants to be a stay at home mom forever. She figured she can do this b/c of how well off I had become. Ok, I thought. Technically, it can work, since we moved to an MCol location and my income alone can easily sustain us. But this was such a huge curve ball to how I thought our life was going pan out. I always thought she would not only get a job, but also her TC would outpace mine, and we would be really well off financially. Now I have the burden of being the sole breadwinner (which is especially scary with the recent tech layoffs), and between work and helping out at home with 2 kids, we are financially OK but I am extremely time poor. I also do the lion's share of the housework since she is too busy with 2 kids. I love my wife and my kids and it is totally understandable that kids throw all kinds of wrenches at your life plans, but AITA for feeling even a little bit resentful that my wife just decided she never wants to work after being supported for 6+ years to get PhD + postdoc experience? This might have been more of a rant than anything, I hadn't had a chance to talk about this to anyone, but *naturally* I came to blind as a source of reasonable and non-toxic wisdom (excuse my sarcasm).
Switch positions with her. Do what she would have done.
Now that you have ranted, you could go back to happy family đ
Haha honestly I think I just needed an outlet. Moved to a new city so no friends I can talk to
Great man, have a good life!
Bro people grow, itâs part of life. I am a manager making comfortable income and my goal is to be a stay at home mom. Your income can sustain you itâs your ego thatâs the problem.
You think 300k can sustain 4 people? After taxes heâs probably left with 200k. That means mortgage, expenses, vacations, college funds, etc all need to be payed for in a 300k budget. If his wife works, they can have a completely different life. The extra 200k can go into hiring people to clean the house, cook, vacations, college fund, etc. and they can have a much better qualify of life.
$200k net income in MCOL is absolutely enough for a family
Wow interesting life story. Life is unpredictable. How old are your kids? Once they grow up, she might get bored again?
Yeah maybe she will change her mind later, but by that point she might have a good 4-5 year employment gap that might be hard to overcome. 2 kids under 2
Raising two babies itâs not a 4-5 year gap thatâs hard to explain. Finding day care for kids that young itâs super hard right now, not to mention incredibly expensive. She might be doing you guys a favor by staying in with them.
What did your wife say when you expressed how you were feeling about her change in plan to you?
Probably "it's my life my choice"
She said she was feeling burnt out from academia and she no longer saw a future in that career path, but she also never explored industry jobs so she didn't know where to start (nor did she want to start I think out of uncertainty and not knowing how it will go)
Tell her she should resume work otherwise dump her lazy ass
Let her have the time until all the kids start full time school.
you mean 3,4 years?
That ship has sailed.. he made her lazy
Taking care of 2 young kids is a lot, so I give her the benefit of the doubt and I do housework. But yes I am having to think about meals (breakfast/dinner), dishes, laundry, house maintenance, etc, while working
Consider going to a marriage counselor. She might have anxiety/imposter syndrome and just scared shit of going to work. Might be good to talk about it openly.
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Well she prob is tired or needed a break for a bit. I am sure she would wanna work sometime later