RelationshipsDec 9, 2019
NewSHWP00

Supporting significant other

Currently I’m supporting my significant other. She is apparently terrible at managing finances, so I’m handling her rent (and until recently her car payment). I make excellent money compared to the standard in my area. However, I sometimes feel unsatisfied that my partner isn’t able to at least support herself. She has three smaller children, and I help constantly, since I am able to work from home and she isn’t. She has almost no college experience, but has been working in her industry for about four years. I’m really just looking for similar experiences here. Feel free to agree or disagree with what I’m doing, but I would like to hear reasoning. TC (9:5 job): $90,000 TC (consulting): $175,000 this year YoE: 6 Locale: Amarillo, TX Median Salary (all industries): $47,000 Data Scientist (my company isn’t listed in the tag area)

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Tesla elonotoday Dec 9, 2019

Find somebody else.

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SHWP00 OP Dec 9, 2019

Reasoning

McAfee mIrt65 Dec 9, 2019

If you are “rescuing” her then you are just creating a toxic relationship long term. I have painful experience in this. Relationships that last need to be between equals.

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SHWP00 OP Dec 9, 2019

I’ve been there before, so I understand your viewpoint. However, I feel like she is working toward being financially stable. I have been helping her as much as I can, but supporting two households at this point is becoming a little taxing, especially when I don’t know about certain bills until she is late and can’t pay, so I’m forced to step in and pay the bill plus late fees.

McAfee mIrt65 Dec 9, 2019

Forced? Seems a bit strong there. I’m not sure you have been there. Or if you have that you learned your lesson.

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iozP82 Dec 9, 2019

It's the state of the world right now.. rich people having all the money, some people doing ok money and everybody else struggling.. from one point of view it's your money you earned it.. from other point of view it is so you should free to do what you want with it including supporting somebody..

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SHWP00 OP Dec 9, 2019

I’m not rich by any means. I can support myself and live comfortably. However, I work obscene hours every week to ensure that. I’m working with her to improve her financial situation, but she seems to get “overwhelmed” by everything. When I sit down and help her through the numbers, it’s manageable. Whenever I leave her to it, things spiral quickly out of control. I don’t get it. I’ve never been great at money management, but she is probably the worst person I know when it comes to that.

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iozP82 Dec 9, 2019

Yeah let's say I can do simple math a good jacket costs 250 but I'll use it forever, so it comes out pretty cheap if I consider how much use ill get from it.. most people just have no clue about prices.. consider signing up her for Mint at least? So you can see some numbers.. a coffee a week for 4$ comes out 210$ a year.. people just cant do math

Smartsheet coffee☕️ Dec 9, 2019

You have choices: 1) Be a supporting partner - Do a cost analysts. Help her understand and manage her financials. - Rising children are expensive. Help her as needed. - Help her to go back to school? 2) End your relationship - Go after an educated and financial independent woman You are unsatisfied and resentful-ish toward a single mom with three children. Have you shared your feelings with her?

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SHWP00 OP Dec 9, 2019

Best answer so far. I have done a cost analysis with her. I even helped her build a dynamic budget to take into account her fluctuating income. She used it for a month. Her ex-husband is worthless, so child support is non-existent. I’ve worked with her to help her go back to school. She has a difficult time dealing with a full time job, three kids, and the added stress of online classes. I’ve considered ending it. So has she. She feels as if she’s a drain on my time and resources, and I agree on occasion. However, I can see that she has the ability and skills to be a productive partner. I don’t care if she makes more, the same, or less than I do. I just want her to be able to be financially secure without me. Right now, she can’t. I have shared my feelings with her in the best way possible without pushing blame or negative feelings one way or another. I would love for her to succeed, but right now I just want her to be self-sufficient. I offered co-habitation to make that goal more achievable, but she won’t consider it without marriage. Honestly, I’m just venting a bit since my friends are worthless and I don’t have anyone else that might understand.

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SHWP00 OP Dec 9, 2019

And honestly, I love her. I don’t want to end it. I’m a sappy romantics. I’ve been in a LOT of relationships, and this is the only one I’ve ever felt has a chance.

Expedia Group sure-e Dec 9, 2019

There is one thing that I’ve observed in people that constantly struggle with finances -beyond the obvious case where they simply don’t make enough to pay for the basics. It’s being unable to understand delayed gratification. This tends to manifest itself in the other aspects of life as well. You really have 3 options: 1)Teach her how to exercise self control-the envelope method, the money out of sight method, the different bank accounts, etc 2)Leave and find a person that shares your financial habits and goals. 3) Pick up the slack and continue supporting her, but firmly and once and for all stop expecting her to be responsible or you will be resentful. This last one is a path that will likely lead to a bad end 3 kids a job and school is tough to do, does she have any family at all that can help with the kids at least?

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SHWP00 OP Dec 9, 2019

I can deal with number 3. It’s how I exist most days, but there are rare occasions where I feel like this. I would love for number 1 to happen. I have actively worked toward that in the past, and I will continue until something changes. Number 2 is not at option for me at the moment. I refuse to consider a relationship on the basis of a cost-benefit sheet. I just have to complain (not the original word) on occasion.

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SHWP00 OP Dec 9, 2019

And her family is useless. My family would be awesome, but neither of us feel comfortable utilizing them as an option, at least at this point. My friends would be more viable, but they have their own issues.

Oracle pzd Dec 9, 2019

This girl sounds like a real keeper 😝😂

Empower RF Systems HQpC45 Dec 9, 2019

Ugh. I am raising one and pulling my hair. Three kids is some next level of batmom, no shit she is exhausted. And living apart is not just more expensive but also does not give you an opportunity to share some chores that would give her some “her time”. When my boyfriend offered to pick up my son after work, I was ready to give him my kidney. I always earned more than the men I lived with and I can definitely sympathize with you from that perspective. But as a formerly single mom with ex who is still my dependent, and no support I can say it is impossible to make major changes without damaging yourself and the kid in process. Many people work on their education, or career, or families. She has to do all three, she has to depend on a man that can leave her any moment. Some very very tough shit

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SHWP00 OP Dec 9, 2019

I get that, and I swore I wouldn’t after my last relationship. It just devolved into this after a while. Before me, she was married. She tried separating several times, but she never felt comfortable on her own. She always got dragged back into a terrible relationship. She is working through that co-dependence, and doing extremely well. She WANTS to be independent, she just doesn’t know how.

Empower RF Systems HQpC45 Dec 9, 2019

I have known several awesome women and I have myself been one of those who have been terrified of being dumped/left/abandoned. Took me year of treatment. On the outside it looked like I was constantly finding and keeping bad boys. In my case it was an outcome of horrible ptsd from teenage days. And it took me four years to tell my guy what’s up. I am not saying she has a ptsd. I brought it up only to share that there might be some other reasons why someone appears to clinging to some odd life choices. I hope everything works out for you both. I will take three kids with stepdad vs three kids with no dad anytime

Salesforce astro3.0 Dec 10, 2019

By letting her be remotely dependent on you, you’re robbing her of agency and the nature of the relationship with turn into one of fear, obligation, and frustrating power dynamics. You continue on this path at your own peril.

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RudeCow Dec 10, 2019

SHE HAS THREE YOUNG CHILDREN. Give her a damn break. Probably would cost more for daycare then she would make working a shit job. Maybe encourage her to get some education so once kids are older you can ease up the work and she can contribute.