Supporting significant other

New / Consultant SHWP00
Dec 9, 2019 34 Comments

Currently I’m supporting my significant other. She is apparently terrible at managing finances, so I’m handling her rent (and until recently her car payment). I make excellent money compared to the standard in my area. However, I sometimes feel unsatisfied that my partner isn’t able to at least support herself. She has three smaller children, and I help constantly, since I am able to work from home and she isn’t. She has almost no college experience, but has been working in her industry for about four years. I’m really just looking for similar experiences here. Feel free to agree or disagree with what I’m doing, but I would like to hear reasoning.

TC (9:5 job): $90,000
TC (consulting): $175,000 this year
YoE: 6
Locale: Amarillo, TX
Median Salary (all industries): $47,000

Data Scientist (my company isn’t listed in the tag area)

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TOP 34 Comments
  • McAfee / Other
    mIrt65

    McAfee Other

    BIO
    20+ YOE as a sales engineer.
    mIrt65more
    If you are “rescuing” her then you are just creating a toxic relationship long term. I have painful experience in this. Relationships that last need to be between equals.
    Dec 9, 2019 4
    • New / Consultant SHWP00
      OP
      Forced in this case meaning I don’t want someone I love to be out on the street with three kids. I could easily refuse, but I would hate myself for a long time afterward.
      Dec 9, 2019
    • New / Consultant SHWP00
      OP
      And it’s come to that case. Amarillo has ridiculous housing practices.
      Dec 9, 2019
  • Smartsheet coffee☕️
    You have choices:

    1) Be a supporting partner
    - Do a cost analysts. Help her understand and manage her financials.
    - Rising children are expensive. Help her as needed.
    - Help her to go back to school?

    2) End your relationship
    - Go after an educated and financial independent woman

    You are unsatisfied and resentful-ish toward a single mom with three children. Have you shared your feelings with her?
    Dec 9, 2019 2
    • New / Consultant SHWP00
      OP
      Best answer so far. I have done a cost analysis with her. I even helped her build a dynamic budget to take into account her fluctuating income. She used it for a month. Her ex-husband is worthless, so child support is non-existent. I’ve worked with her to help her go back to school. She has a difficult time dealing with a full time job, three kids, and the added stress of online classes.

      I’ve considered ending it. So has she. She feels as if she’s a drain on my time and resources, and I agree on occasion. However, I can see that she has the ability and skills to be a productive partner. I don’t care if she makes more, the same, or less than I do. I just want her to be able to be financially secure without me. Right now, she can’t. I have shared my feelings with her in the best way possible without pushing blame or negative feelings one way or another. I would love for her to succeed, but right now I just want her to be self-sufficient. I offered co-habitation to make that goal more achievable, but she won’t consider it without marriage. Honestly, I’m just venting a bit since my friends are worthless and I don’t have anyone else that might understand.
      Dec 9, 2019
    • New / Consultant SHWP00
      OP
      And honestly, I love her. I don’t want to end it. I’m a sappy romantics. I’ve been in a LOT of relationships, and this is the only one I’ve ever felt has a chance.
      Dec 9, 2019
  • Find somebody else.
    Dec 9, 2019 1
    • New / Consultant SHWP00
      OP
      Reasoning
      Dec 9, 2019
  • New / Eng RudeCow
    SHE HAS THREE YOUNG CHILDREN. Give her a damn break. Probably would cost more for daycare then she would make working a shit job. Maybe encourage her to get some education so once kids are older you can ease up the work and she can contribute.
    Dec 10, 2019 0
  • Salesforce
    astro3.0

    Salesforce

    PRE
    Amazon, Oracle
    astro3.0more
    By letting her be remotely dependent on you, you’re robbing her of agency and the nature of the relationship with turn into one of fear, obligation, and frustrating power dynamics. You continue on this path at your own peril.
    Dec 9, 2019 0
  • Becoming financially stable from current career state while taking care of 3 small children is infinitely stressful. Even if she makes small progress now, you can count on her to make big progress once kids are little more grown up.
    Dec 10, 2019 0
  • Schlumberger KYeT57
    RUN RUN RUN unless this girl is HOT HOT HOT. Only more question: 3 kids from 3 different dads or same dad?
    Dec 10, 2019 2
    • Oracle pzd
      What matters is that none are from OP 😆
      Dec 10, 2019
    • Schlumberger KYeT57
      Kids are a major factor but he seems to handle that ok, but here the thought:

      3 from 3 different dads is 3x child support and 3x the crazy so if she doesn’t have enough now then the dads are dead beats. Hell even from one dad it sounds like that’s the case. So she might be looking for one more baby daddy to even it out.
      Dec 10, 2019
  • New / Consultant SHWP00
    OP
    I get that, and I swore I wouldn’t after my last relationship. It just devolved into this after a while.

    Before me, she was married. She tried separating several times, but she never felt comfortable on her own. She always got dragged back into a terrible relationship. She is working through that co-dependence, and doing extremely well. She WANTS to be independent, she just doesn’t know how.
    Dec 9, 2019 1
    • Empower RF Systems / Mgmt
      HQpC45

      Empower RF Systems Mgmt

      PRE
      Procter & Gamble
      HQpC45more
      I have known several awesome women and I have myself been one of those who have been terrified of being dumped/left/abandoned. Took me year of treatment. On the outside it looked like I was constantly finding and keeping bad boys. In my case it was an outcome of horrible ptsd from teenage days. And it took me four years to tell my guy what’s up. I am not saying she has a ptsd. I brought it up only to share that there might be some other reasons why someone appears to clinging to some odd life choices. I hope everything works out for you both. I will take three kids with stepdad vs three kids with no dad anytime
      Dec 9, 2019
  • Facebook maple dip
    It's normal to support each other in the ways that each of you can and that's fine to be imbalanced if you come from different circumstances. Anons here are autistic about finances and being 50:50
    Dec 11, 2019 0
  • Atlassian d@t_person
    Jesus with that pay there u could easily afford to have her not work and just take care or kids. Are u married? If so then do this, rather have her raise her kids than some rando. If not married then think about future, do u love her? If so then be more understanding, she has three fucking kids
    Dec 10, 2019 0

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