Terrified.

Tableau / Eng
m_name

Tableau Eng

PRE
Microsoft
m_namemore
Feb 12, 2018 116 Comments

I spent a lot of time today reading dozens of #metoo posts and all the comments.

I must admit, I was not familiar with this issue very much, so I was rather appalled to discover all the nasty crap that some posters had to deal with. What was way more eye opening, though, is the level of stupidity in a lot of comments from all sides of this debate.

I am your typical introverted socially awkward male software engineer. I’ve been in the industry for a while and have made a decent career. After reading all these posts and comments, I decided to look back and try to remember if I myself have unknowingly committed in the past anything close to the offenses related to this topic.

I can’t honestly say that I have, but I definitely came up with a number of situations where I am pretty sure I haven’t done anything wrong, but not according to some of commenters.

And that, my friends, scared the living crap out of me.

1. I have a job that I love and career that I spent years building.
2. I have family that I love and care about.
3. I would never think anything about it, but according to some comments, there was a number of situations in the past, that I could have been reported to HR for sexism or harassment.

Even many female commenters are contradicting each other in what is a real offense and what is not. And it turns out, in many cases it actually depends on the context and social situations, which is pretty much impossible to determine for most socially awkward introverts like myself. Maybe some of those commenters were just trolling, I don’t know. And that terrifies me even more.

It is a sad time. There’re some really bright females in my team, but I just can’t see myself mentoring or building any successful productive working relationships with them for the fear of unknowingly offending them and being consequently reported to HR instead of just being told that what I did was not ok with them.

This is apparently the safest course of action according to a lot of commenters, to make sure that the guy does not escape the justice and gets his life ruined for sure. I am not taking my chances. I just can’t afford to be that guy.

comments

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TOP 116 Comments
  • Apple 3eta
    For someone who says he is socially awkward you pull a carefully crafted manipulative text.
    Feb 12, 2018 10
    • Microsoft See2Sky
      What do you mean ? It’s totally understandable to be terrified... Anyone would... If I find such post or a woman in real life, I would do my best to comfort her and make her feel at ease ...
      Feb 13, 2018
    • Apple 3eta
      See2Sky, some nice folks definitely would. Others would call her stupid and /or point out that the chance of being assaulted is really rare, and the worse case scenario - she can keep the door open or meet in a meeting room with glass doors. Just like when you read stories about pedophiles and that most assaults happen within the family, you don’t run home terrified of your family. Unless, of course, you already have an abusive family.
      Feb 13, 2018
  • Amazon MadHatter
    Female here. Do not see what you have to be afraid of! If you are decent and respectful in your interactions with your female colleagues you are fine. Treat them the way you would expect to be treated simple! Trust me women are not looking to rush to HR with complaints. Yes this me too campaign has raised awareness but it still is very tough to file a sexual harassment complaint in any company. Nobody just takes your word for it. You need to prove it. Trust me when I say women will not go through that hassle if it’s not worth and it usually is worth it only when she is harassed mentally or physically. Don’t try to be the victim here because you are not. Be the good guy you claim to be and you will be completely fine.
    Feb 12, 2018 13
    • Flagged by the community.

    • Lyft xmgzzx4
      The threat is perceived by me and surely others. You get to decide who you want on your side. Usually it's better to have friends than people walking on eggshells around you. If you really care about change you should not dismiss other peoples feelings like that.
      Feb 13, 2018
  • Google / Eng
    lena33

    Google Eng

    PRE
    Salesforce
    lena33more
    There was a post about some girl not liking to remind her to smile. From that point I understand that guy, why take your chances.
    Feb 12, 2018 8
    • Cruise Automation / Eng
      I wouldn't appreciate unsolicited advice about smiling more, unless it is solicited and I asked for advice.

      You want a smile? Tell me I did a good job on something or what you like something I'm wearing
      Feb 13, 2018
    • @Tapioca you've never worked in Fast Food have you?
      Feb 14, 2018
  • Amazon jenfjxms
    Like OP, I was appalled to learn about some of the things women had to endure in the corporate world. And like OP, I have decided to stick with the offenders and avoid the victims because I refuse to change how I treat women.
    (sarcasm, if it wasn’t blatantly obvious)
    Feb 12, 2018 5
    • Undisclosed LKCV04
      the best!
      Feb 13, 2018
    • Undisclosed C4ssiopea
      This
      Feb 14, 2018
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Square
      Googling

      Square

      PRE
      Amazon, Facebook, Google
      Googlingmore
      OP crafts a clear, honest, and generally empathetic response, and this is your reaction? And you wonder why such an opposing viewpoint could possibly exist? Makes sense.
      Feb 12, 2018
    • Amazon 123raj
      U misandrist!
      Feb 13, 2018
  • Square
    Googling

    Square

    PRE
    Amazon, Facebook, Google
    Googlingmore
    This. This. This. This. This.
    Feb 12, 2018 1
    • Oracle Eli
      That?
      Feb 13, 2018
  • Microsoft sushiCats
    What are you terrified of? Just be a good human?
    Feb 12, 2018 4
    • Salesforce / Eng nJlL46
      E.g.: Some would say being told to smile is a friendly (“good”) gesture to cheer someone up, others would say it’s rude and harassment.
      Feb 13, 2018
    • Microsoft sushiCats
      Why is it hard to just apologize and don't do it again instead of being terrified? Seems like a super lazy and patronizing way to cheer someone up in the first place.
      Feb 13, 2018
  • Google / Eng Tapioca
    It is super simple to avoid trouble. Just don't say/do anything to a female colleague that you would not say/do to a male colleague.
    Feb 12, 2018 9
  • Microsoft See2Sky
    This .. While I support and concur with the inspiration behind the #MeToo movement, I can only imagine how easily this could be misused.. In the past at one point I observed this in the name of Pseudo-Feminism.. While most of my female friends have intelligent and genuine conversations about these subjects with me, I have met enough women who blabber and point pretty much any thing a man does as wrong and sexist... As the Op feels, over time due to an increase in misusing of #MeToo, it might make the work environments unsociable and toxic..

    I hope people atleast give the benefit of doubt and do proper investigation before accusing the guy in an instant...
    Feb 12, 2018 0
  • Bloomberg iaYM02
    This topic is already being discussed in the national media. That for fear of being accused of inappropriate behavior men will minimize working interactions with women. It’s just common sense.
    Feb 12, 2018 0