Torn between what I want vs what my parents want. How did you deal with it?

Undisclosed Disclosed
Apr 16, 2018 63 Comments

I am constantly torn between the things I want to do, and the things my parents expect out of me. Since they have dedicated their lives to make me who I am today, it feels guilty to hurt them.

They want me to get married, I want to stay single and adopt a child. I don't have time for relationship BS. They want me to return to India and stay close to them, I have career moves to make here. I didn't work my ass off to get here and then go back so soon to do the usual shit in India at a nominal salary, get married, dedicate my life to some guy, make babies, cook for him, and take care of in-laws. They feel that is a balanced life to lead. Also, my sibling's health isn't great, which worries them, I don't want to add to their stress. I want to make my own decisions, but at the same time I don't want to hurt them either. How did you deal with such situations?

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TOP 63 Comments
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Sure. I’m off to sleep right now. Will respond tomorrow morning
      Apr 16, 2018
    • Undisclosed Disclosed
      OP
      Works!
      Apr 16, 2018
  • Amazon burito
    That’s tough. No solid advice for you here except it’s your life, you should do whatever you feel is right for you.
    Apr 16, 2018 1
    • Undisclosed / Eng Junker
      That’s the best advice. “It’s your life, you should make decisions and be ready to face whatever the repercussions are”
      Apr 16, 2018
  • Amazon Bot'sBot
    You seem to think career and family life are mutually exclusive. Fortune 50 most powerful women in Asia pacific has eight Indian women. Count for yourself how many have families and how many raised children. If you are dedicating your life to 'some' guy, that guy is also doing the same with you. As long as you think 'I' you won't get out of it, try thinking 'we', life will be better. Wait and find the right person, don't just get married to random guy your parents find. Talk about your life goals with your prospective partner, then make a decision. Who knows, you will find a person who is supportive of your goals. Don't give up. Convince your parents about goals and timing of relationship.
    It's totally up to you how you want to measure success in your life, if it's only career, so be it. But it doesn't need to be at the cost of everything else. If relationship is BS, I call career is BS as well, what are we doing? Making billionaires wealthier?
    Apr 16, 2018 4
    • Undisclosed Disclosed
      OP
      I get your point, Botsbot. I know family is important, way more important than my job. But I fear doing as they say will kill me inside because of all the compromise I will be making.
      Apr 16, 2018
    • Amazon Bot'sBot
      I have a classmate that is married, had a child and then adopted another, and is continuing her career. You want more examples? If you look for examples that match your fears, sure you will find many. Confirmation bias.

      Life is about problem solving. Solve them girl. Don't give up for the fear of unknown. Make choices for right reasons, not because of some compromise that you 'will' make. If you really want to be single, tell them that and stay firm. All I'm saying is don't do it because you are afraid that your unknown husband will not let you fly.
      Apr 16, 2018
  • Microsoft UMbR31
    OP, please make sure some poor guy doesn't become collateral damage in the fight between your arrogance and life's realities. Please pick one way and contain it to your own self if possible.
    Apr 16, 2018 5
    • Undisclosed Disclosed
      OP
      Well then you definitely didn't get my point right.

      I don't want to be treated like a princess, I don't want to be celebrated, I don't want everyone to praise me, I don't expect a huge salary once I move back.

      I demand my space, my freedom, and the ability to make decisions that I truly want, irrespective of what the society thinks and expects out of me.

      You probably do not understand the social obligations an Indian woman is subjected to, because men have hardly bothered about it until recently. My peers in India got promoted, I would have been too, had I stayed. Here, I got a level lower. My ex-bf in India earns more than I would do even if I move back. My ex-colleagues took internal transfer and joined US offices at positions that I would not reach in 4-5 years from now. So I definitely don't look down upon people in India. Several of them have stayed close to their family, had healthy food, and carved great careers for themselves. Many have started their own businesses and become millionaires, something which I can not do here. Hence a question of being celebrated or looking down doesn't arise.

      I carved a path for myself, I chose it by my own wish and will, I fought for it, I spent sleepless nights, I mutually broke up with my bf to walk this path, and like I said above, I am not prepared to walk that path back, at least not as yet.

      But I am constantly torn between my family expectations and my own desires. This is not arrogance, in my opinion.
      Apr 16, 2018
    • Microsoft UMbR31
      I have to admit I regret calling this arrogance, since you took the time to reply in detail to an internet stranger, when you could have given a typical Blind reply. Definitely feel bad for you though, good luck with whichever path you choose.
      Apr 17, 2018
  • New / Eng
    Xhsrvhyds

    New Eng

    PRE
    McGraw-Hill Education
    Xhsrvhydsmore
    Grow up and be an adult and do what makes you happy.
    Apr 16, 2018 11
    • Amazon / Eng Am A Bot
      All kinds of differences. We came from different socioeconomic backgrounds and we were both quite young (early 20s). Neither has been a factor in the 10+ years we have been married. In fact, I am always grateful to my 22 year old self for taking the plunge when I did. Our marriage hasn’t turned out like I expected, but we are mostly happy and content.
      May 27, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng Am A Bot
      They were also worried she would “ruin” my career.
      May 27, 2018
  • Salesforce qwertyuiol
    Ask them if they value their happiness over yours.
    Apr 16, 2018 3
    • Undisclosed Disclosed
      OP
      For someone who has dedicated their lives to me, you really think they value their own happiness? But they have expectations, and as parents are morally dependent on me.
      Apr 16, 2018
    • Salesforce qwertyuiol
      Yes if they have dedicated their life to you, why won't they continue doing so and let you find your happiness? It's almost as if they expect you to do what THEY want for their own happiness..
      Apr 16, 2018
  • Undisclosed jonashun
    God. This thread struck a raw nerve massively. Living in the US for 20+ years... Still have this dilemma. Recently got into a fight with my dad - why? Because he thought I had "changed"... No kidding. I came here as a starry eyed kid and now have a family of 2 kids of my own, and somehow I am not supposed to change!!! Indian parents have some tall expectations on their kids... Or it must be the old age? I feel bad saying all this here but had to vent a bit. For those that say "live ur own life" unfortunately it aint as simple as that. Our hierarchical upbringing makes it so we can never make such decisions ourselves without massive guilt... :(
    Apr 16, 2018 0
  • Quora thebumble
    Why do you think you have to dedicate your life to some guy, make babies, cook for him and take care of in-laws?

    Dedicate a life to your dreams and find someone who believes in them as much as you do.

    Adopt a kid.

    Hire a cook.

    Take care of in-laws like your own parents if you wish to. Not like when you are forced to.

    I think you know what you want. And what your parents want is in conflict. There's still a possibility to find someone who is at an intersection, but it would be tough. But it'll keep both you and your parents happy.
    Apr 16, 2018 0
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Undisclosed \_(-.-)_/
      If all of that outweighs the negatives that they've done and you think it's a fair transaction that you owe them the rest of your life then sure go back to India and care for them. Problem solved.
      Apr 16, 2018
    • Undisclosed Disclosed
      OP
      Yup, thinking about it, and inclining towards moving back.
      Apr 16, 2018
  • Microsoft
    🤷‍♂️IDK

    Microsoft

    BIO
    This is my bio.
    🤷‍♂️IDKmore
    What would you want your kids to do if they were in the same situation many years from now? Would you want them to pursue their dreams or come fit the plan you want for them?
    Apr 16, 2018 0

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