Story short: we have been togheter for 8 years and I married her (on the 6th year) so she could come with me to the states - I got a job to work for a FANG. She was willing to follow me. I love her. She’s caring, love me unconditionally, beautiful, simple, no drama. But we have this consistent argument about being healthy. We have a very hard clash on this and I tried everything to accommodate her: trained with her, paid a trainer, tried different sports togheter or separately, etc. It’s always the same she’s not into it at all. Now, it affects me more than ever because we are thinking about buying a house and having kids. I’m seeing a trend that she just doesn’t care about what she eats or weight. She always say she is perfect and I’m raging inside. I train 4-5 times a week and I’m ripped. I don’t want her to be like me, a fitness freak, but in someway I do expect some kind of balance from her. I just see a lot of red flags and my attraction to her is affected consistently. I feel that we maybe don’t share the same vision of love. Mine is more with compromise and effort, and she is more on the unicorn side with unconditional love no matter what... plus the only thing she share during COVID is board games, dinner and watching tv! I run and train, go on hikes and started skiing again...
Maybe she’s depressed?
I was thinking we could go see a psy togheter... I think she has a great hâte for the fitness world because of her ex, but that’s a while ago.
Marriage counseling work be a great next step. Don't pitch it as something is wrong with her, but rather you feel y'all's communication as a team isn't as great as it could be, you love her, and want to work out at it together because you're invested in the future together and want to set the relationship up for success (especially if kids). If she hesitant, ask her to try at least 2-3 sessions, and you can revaluate together.
Is she fat (overweight) or just not fit? People’s preference also change with age and responsibilities. My partner also isn’t into exercising while I am. I tried to force but it didn’t go far. Sounds like your story in a way. Occasionally my partner adjusts and comes for a hike but most often not. I just accepted it. I can’t force people to change. Fitness isn’t for everyone. As long as my partners health isn’t deteriorating I am ok.
She’s not fat, but I can see her starting to get chubby. She used to be fit naturally and that’s how I met her. I mean I feel the same for being healthy, but I’m not bullshitting myself: I love fit girls. Not to be pretentious but I know lots of fit girls waiting/hoping for me to go back single, but unfortunately I do have a connection and deep love for this girl.
You have a connection for this girl? Are you kidding me? She's your fucking wife. And let me help burst the bubble for you, I highly doubt if anyone is waiting for you to become single again. Also, if your wife is healthy and isn't interested in investing more time into fitness, isn't it same as you working at lowly hashicorp and not wanting to get into faang? She loves you despite you not having any career goals itseems. You are a lucky dawg!
Has she tried therapy? Unwillingness to be physically active or eat properly are often indicators of depression.
I have a feeling that’s the case with all COVID. Thinking about doing a session so we can be crystal clear.
Is this about being healthy, or is it about her not wanting to do your idea of fun activities? (“trained with her, paid a trainer, tried different sports”, “run and train, go on hikes and started skiing”) It’s possible to be healthy without doing these sort of high-energy hobbies that you’re into.
Exactly! For some people going for short walk or gentle yoga is just good enough!
She doesn’t do any of that. What she really likes to is to get tipsy with friends and have good dinner. She enjoy watching drama stuff...
We’re you both on the same page when you got married health wise?If so, maybe she is going through something you can’t see from her point of view? As a woman I felt like when I don’t feel good about myself sometimes it’s easier to let priorities slide. Maybe she feels depressed and doesn’t have motivation? If it’s just about weight that your concerned about then you’re looking at it harshly but if it’s about general lifestyle and future kids lifestyles then that’s reasonable. Does she have a lot of female friends that she can talk to about this with? I feel like having a guy tell you to be more active etc can rub women the wrong way.
Ah refreshing! Well honestly I didn’t really think about it. I meet her and she was fit, I didn’t really care but with time she can’t keep eating candy and expect to stay the same. Time and bad habits did his thing. She is now 29. I’m 33. I don’t know about how she feels right now. She is usually very joyful and anytime I try to have a serious conversation with her she doesn’t... I feel like sometime she wants to avoid reality. I’m very concern about my future with her. It does affect my attraction to her and I’m starting to feel like we are just like very good roommates. I’m definitely concern also on the money side because I make a lot more than she does and if we have kids... well I don’t want to think about that yet. Her friends tell her that but she respond that she’s perfect the way she is and doesn’t need that in her life. I have a feeling she needs a wake up call...
I’ve experienced a similar thing with my spouse and he just had to find some activity that was fun for them. Sometimes friends can be the most enabling which is unfortunate. Maybe you can change your approach a little bit? Get like one of those cooking kits and make a date night out of healthy cooking or maybe have a hike/picnic date? I think the key to it is to get her self confidence up so she will be encouraged and comfortable taking a step towards a more active lifestyle. It sounds like she is feeling non confident or non- attractive right now and it’s easy to get into a pattern laziness when you feel bad about yourself. My advice would be suggest active dates, show her you think she’s sexy/attractive and maybe the rest will fall into place. Are there are changes in her life from when she was active to now?
I think you’re dominating her. Firstly you want her to work for FANG. Did you understood what she wanted? Then you mentioned she is simple, caring and no drama. Now you want her to change by doing exercises and hiking etc the way you do. You cannot dictate your terms. I think she wants to stay at home, playing board games. Let her live the way she wants. Do not complicate things. Hitting gyms is your choice not hers. Do exercise at home, maybe some yoga. Try to engage her to do exercise at home. She might get interested in working out together. Remember these things takes time and don’t change over night!
I work for a FANG. Yes in some way, she does feel dominated because I’m very successful in every sphere of my life and that’s a lot of pressure on it, but I never pushed her on anything. The only debate we have is around health and staying healthy. You didn’t read my post at all. You just went on rampage mode. I tried all those things but thanks for your concern.
This might just be what I’m interpreting but I feel like he’s saying he’s worried about the future of having kids and buying a house if they aren’t active. It’s reasonable to worry about having kids if your spouse changed and isn’t active anymore because that affects how you will raise the kids.
Will get worse overtime
You can’t get everything the way you want. Learn to settle on things you don’t like. Coz there are other things that make up for it.
That’s a valid point indeed... and that’s the real question I’m asking myself right now.
Who the hell said you can't have everything? So is someone supposed to be content and that's it? That's why people divorce. Because after a lot they just can't take it anymore.
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This sounds tough, I’m curious to hear other people’s thoughts.
I mean it's America, 60% of Americans are obese so this isn't really all that unusual.