With high TC comes high depression

Google
dessertsaf

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dessertsaf
Nov 14, 2020 1,035 Comments

Wife and I both work at FAANG in the Bay Area. Ages 30/29, combined TC 850K+, net worth 1.5M. No debts (renting, student loans paid off), no kids, perfect health. Aware of how lucky we are to have this life.

Just had another of those stressful days at work, where both end up fully exhausted. Then we had a big fight over a small issue. Went to bed angry at each other. Drained of all energy but I can’t sleep. Questioning myself how will we sustain this life. Feeling the sense that our life and our youth is slipping by while we keep drudging along.

We have been planning a home purchase. Bank approved a loan for a 2.5M home with 20% down. After fighting bidding wars over many homes, we finally got into contract with a property that we liked a lot. Then, we backed out because we couldn’t commit to working our jobs long enough to pay off the mortgage. Can’t imagine putting away so much of our monthly cash into a mortgage. Anything cheaper than 2M is difficult to get excited about, we’d rather rent.

Thinking about having kids, but we get worried by all the shit that’s happening in the world. Wondering what’s the point of bringing someone to a world like this. And seeing the stress that our colleagues who are parents go through each day scares us.

While in school, I pictured myself solving big problems, creating real value, inventing something useful and/or running a successful company. Right now I am just a cog in a trillion $ machine. On the other hand, it feels difficult to survive in the Bay Area on a startup salary. And the FOMO is real of seeing friends continue to make high TC at FAANG while you drudge along at a startup for years, deal with nasty politics, with potentially getting handed peanuts at exit.

It’s not that we never have any good times, though. Most of the weekends we enjoy each other’s company and love doing stuff together. But the jobs are crushing our souls, sucking away at our time and energy, and turning us against each other. When we think about the future we get depressed by the non stop treadmill. We think of running away leaving everything behind.

But we are immigrants, we have come from humble backgrounds. Leaving behind this kind of money simply feels wrong. Also our visas are tied to our jobs. So we keep dreaming about making *enough* then making an escape. But *enough* never materializes, the goal keeps shifting. I don’t know if I’ll even survive to enjoy the money in the end. If not the pandemic, the depression might kill me.

Thanks for reading. If you are in the same boat, know that you aren’t alone. If you are dreaming about having our TC and are working hard for that next job or promo, more power to you and I wish you can cherish the journey you’re on, because you’re not going to like the destination as much as you may think.

And if you’re someone who has figured this shit out, please share your wisdom. Is there hope? Or has Silicon Valley devolved into a hedonic rat race of maximizing TC at all costs? Is the answer to run to a LCOL area and trade off some TC for some sanity, socially distancing from the ā€œBlind, Robinhood, Redfinā€ crowd whose life is all about TC, stocks and real estate?

EDIT - wow this went viral. Thanks for so many great, thoughtful responses, Blind community! If anyone is going through similar issues, try to read through the comments as it will be super helpful. It feels good to know that we are not alone in this.

To those who are hating on this, calling it a troll, or not able to accept that someone can have such problems when they have so much. I hear you. My post is entirely true, but I can also understand why it might seem like no big deal to you. Not trying to brag or belittle anyone else’s struggles. Just an honest post about my own struggles, which I felt would be useful for those who are going through the same, and for those who only see this life from the outside.

I agree that my issues are not terrible at all, and I have the means to fix them, while many don’t have that. It’s great to see that people on this app care enough to give useful advice, and not just talk about TC or GTFO. I’ll try to implement some of the suggestions in my life and hopefully post again next year with some positive progress.

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TOP 1,035 Comments
  • Apple
    XAyG30

    Go to company page Apple

    XAyG30
    First. Get off blind. Two . Make sure you surround yourself with people outside tech. Three . Pick one or two interest that requires engagement 2-3 times a week.

    Basically you get out of this by building habits. And you need commitment. As long as there are other things that demand your time, you will find a way to balance.

    I assure you that the path you have chosen ends with the loss or degradation of your social ties, perhaps divorce .

    I hit rock bottom 5 years back. Marriage disintegrated. Lost more than I can write about in public.

    You are in a self imposed prison. Its cliche but its like the matrix .

    For me, I chose health and being an outdoorsman. Have been chasing adventures for the last 5 years. Have a balanced life. Very very happy with the transformation. Its a struggle, the rat in me is always gnawing , but i keep it contAined.

    I ask myself often, when I am old, i actually visualize a time , when I am feeble . What would be a life i would have wanted. And thats the life I live now.

    And please dont live your life on weekends. Live it everyday.

    Its doable , but it will be a constant habit and reminder to keep you straight in the bay area.
    Nov 14, 2020 7
    • Not sure why you are suggesting to get off blind. How would people get such support and advice from people like you when they are looking for? I know there are a lot of toxic people here but I always look at the bright side. Thanks for such a beautiful advice. I will definitely take some learnings.
      Nov 16, 2020
    • Google
      RWGX52

      Go to company page Google

      RWGX52
      Thank you!! I needed to hear this! 😭😭😭
      Nov 16, 2020
  • How is net worth just 1.5M with 850k+ combined income?
    Nov 14, 2020 12
    • Facebook
      batpod2623

      Go to company page Facebook

      batpod2623
      so all you took from this post is his savings, TC etc?
      Nov 17, 2020
    • Zoosk
      taliesin77

      Zoosk

      taliesin77
      @batpod2623 I replied separately to cover more serious matters of prioritizing being happy. However, ultimately the solution to their stress can start with those numbers. Unless you love the rat race, then reduce your spending, raise your savings, build up alternate/passive income and exit the rat race, take a breath, and decide what to do next. I'm really tired of people whining about how expensive it is to live olin the Bay Area....it's expensive to have expensive tastes and to not compromise on anything. I realize rents have dropped, but I just moved into a 500 sq ft, 1 bedroom apt in SF with parking included and rent control for post-pandemic, in easy walking distance to Hayes Valley, the Mission, grocery stores, etc for less than $2200. My car is paid off, my insurance is MetroMile since I hardly drive. If I were in the same position as the couple above, I think I'd have enough saved to "retire" within 2 to 4 years...."Retire" being free to do things that interest me without worrying about being paid enough, not sitting around and rotting.
      Nov 17, 2020
  • Snap / Eng
    SantašŸŽ…

    Go to company page Snap Eng

    PRE
    Facebook
    SantašŸŽ…
    Combined TC 850K is considered high now?!
    Nov 17, 2020 21
    • We each have our mixed realities!

      A lot of people have the reality where friends are drug addicts in the Midwest asking why they haven’t implemented 60% tax on people with >100k TC. And also having to fight the reality where Silicon Valley engineers make millions a year
      Nov 20, 2020
    • Google
      OTqV11

      Go to company page Google

      OTqV11
      More money does not mean more happiness. There are trade-offs in life, you have to find what you're going to sacrifice for and what's most important to you. As parents of two toddlers adding other human beings to the mix you need to take care of adds more stress in general x100.. if you think you're exhausted now wait till you have to take care of kids on top of everything you do.

      Make sure your relationship is solid before you have kids. Anything that annoys you about each other right now will only be exasperated by having kids later. On the other hand they are a blessing should you become a parent..
      Feb 8, 2021
  • New
    nawrf

    New

    nawrf
    First of all, you deserve to be congratulated. Not because you and your wife both work at a FANG, but rather, because you are both diligent savers. I say this because when you said you backed out of the expensive home purchase (smart idea, and we will revisit this in a bit), you were still able to save $500,000 (20% down).

    The most important thing is your savings rate. I know that you carry a bit of disdain for the investing crowd, but let’s play this out. On $500k, you should be able to get at least $5k/mo (~$60,000/year) just from your investments alone with nearly zero effort on your part. Now, for someone making 800k/year you might think, ā€œwho cares?ā€ But the reality is at $5k/mo you can rent (or purchase outside of HCOL areas) just about any home you want and this can be sustained nearly indefinitely, provided that you keep working for a bit in the event we enter an extremely bearish investing period.

    I say this as someone who has never worked at a FANG (applied as an L7 at Amazon years ago and got rejected. Went on to work for other large Fortune 50 companies and climbed my way up to Sr Director). I’ve never made the 600-800k salaries that I see here, but it has not prevented me at all from becoming a multi-millionaire. I remember that when I hit $500k with my investments (taxable account), there were months where I would make as much or more than I made at my day job. I even remember a 15% month (over $75,000 in one month), which was astronomical at the time. Almost everything that I own now is a result of my investments. My mortgage is paid by my investments and I’m able to save around 95% of my take home pay. This has enabled me to find the one thing that you’re looking for: freedom of choice:

    I can go where I want, and do what I want, for as long as I want. And I don’t fear job loss or anything of that nature because my bills are all taken care of thanks to the power of compounding returns.

    What FANGs are good for is increasing the velocity of your money. You can earn lots of money quickly primarily because you get guaranteed stock every year. The base salaries and bonuses are pretty much in-line with industry trends. The stock is what makes the salaries exceptional. If you take that money and invest it, you can build your dream life. I didn’t have that luck so I had to hustle a bit more to get to where I’m at, but it worked out in the end (I’m 8 years older than you, so you can see that it took a bit longer).

    Build the life that you dream about, and don’t compromise your health/relationship/sanity for any job. I promise that when you’re old you’re not going to say, ā€œman I wish I worked more!ā€
    Nov 14, 2020 14
  • Amazon
    sagešŸ‘£

    Go to company page Amazon

    sagešŸ‘£
    I didn’t figure this out. I am a little older with lower net worth. What I can tell you is after several years at FAANG I developed cancer which put a screeching halt to chasing TC. I am figuring out how to live differently which is tough but more satisfied and happier with life now. Don’t waste your life feeling the way you do now.
    Nov 14, 2020 8