Are you an Amazon manager who’s struggling to meet their URA target? Are you having a hard time convincing candidates that they aren’t just being hired as a sacrificial lamb for the team? Well look no further. I would like to take a 6 month “vacation” and can meet the hiring bar while subsequently offering mediocre performance in return for a PIP and severance. Below is a more detailed description of my services:
- I will put in an average of 2 hours of work (from home of course) per day. This lets the company know I’m alive, while allowing my performance to fall well into PIP territory.
- If I somehow come up with a good idea during the course of my work, I will immediately forward it to one of your other direct reports and ensure that they take full credit for it.
- During my limited hours, I will diligently work to ensure that even the simplest CL I send out goes through multiple revisions due to careless linter errors or missing test cases.
- At least once per week I will ask a simple technical question via email to a list that includes everyone reporting up to your skip-level manager instead of spending 2 minutes Googling it. Examples include:
- How do I write a multi-line Python if statement?
- How can I stop sanitizing SQL input to speedup my code?
- How many spaces should I indent my ‘goto’ statements by in C++?
If this interests you, please reach out with information about your team, level of the role you would like me to fill, and estimated Y1 cash compensation. The higher the level you can hire me at, the better, as I strive to provide PIP-worthy performance beyond your wildest expectations in exchange for a luscious severance.
TC: 420k
YOE: 6.9
#amazon #pip #ura
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comments
1: A gem of a troll post
Or
2: highest example of "Invent and Simplify"