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My parents came to America in the mid 80’s following my other relatives. Anyway, to cut things short. My father is ruined me mentally. See my Mom be physically abused neglecting his kids. Neglecting our needs. My Mom not divorcing because it is a “bad” thing in Indian culture to divorce. Even though you are being physically abused. This abuse was due to instigation by his siblings. My thoughts are full of rage. Full of rage. Whenever I see the people who ruined my family by using my Father like a puppet. Any advice? I wish my memory was gone.
How can sibling instigate him to abuse his wife? I can’t imagine how this happens, what would they say/do??
If you’re South Asian. Trust me. You’d know. They’d say your wife did this to me. That to me. On top of that, my Dad lived in a joint family with his brother. His brother and his wife are cousins, so they would take my aunt’s side against my Mom. My mom is an “outsider” basically.
I don’t believe this is an authentic account from your own experience given the grammatical mistakes you make in this post. I guess you’re the wife not the kid?
Maybe I wrote this post out of frustration? Why would you even question such a thing about the post? Believe what you would like though.
Yeah sorry didn’t mean to offend you but I read through your post 3-4 times to understand what exactly happened but ended up scratching my head. Maybe, you can update the post to convey your message more articulately
Was in the same boat. Therapy helps.
How did it help you? How did they help to get rid of the bad thoughts, or tone them down at least? I’m sure they have some coping strategies?
As much as I am tempted to answer this. I will refrain. Go see one.
Fine professional help. Not anons on one of the saltiest apps ever made
The details may be Indian but the experience of abuse is sadly universal across cultures and time. Seek the help of a professional psychologist, who can help you deal with your repressed feelings of anger, sadness, frustration, and shame. It is hard work but in the end you will be a more whole person and find ways to grow despite the trauma from your past. Hang in there friend, you are not alone!
I understand what you mean. It is normal, but it is rampant in my culture. Family to family. Like… concentration wise it is rampant.
Similar boat, my dad thankfully wasn’t as bad. I got financially and emotionally stable enough to get my mom out of that situation. It took a lot of time, therapy and money but my siblings and my mom are doing much better today. Family will talk, people will talk but you need to take charge of your own happiness and health. If your mom is not ready to make that change, take care of yourself with therapy and distance.
do you live with him
Sadly, currently, yes…
Try to move out if you have a job and can afford it.
Nothing to do with “Indian dad”, it’s just your dad is an ass
I feel your pain OP. Although we have a very different background, I have been in the similar family dynamics where my dad is an abuser who used to be abused by his dad in the same way aka a vicious cycle. Since I was born, dad yelling at my mom and beating her was very common for me/my sisters to witness and after rages, everyone acted like nothing happened so life went on lol I had many mental breakdowns and a couple of attempts to end my life during my puberty. I luckily got a chance to be away from home and study abroad, which gave me to be away from this toxic environment and objectively think of myself and family. I used to have a full of contempt for my dad and even my mom (because I thought she was not looking out for daughters). I read many books regarding emotion/knowing yourself types of book to understand my feelings/hate toward them. More I think of this matter, more I realize that my parents are patients who need help and should be separated a long time ago but they could not have gut to do because of social pressure (where I am from also considers divorce as a taboo thing). I made a peace with myself that I would help out if they are willing to get help. If not, there’s not much that I can do and it’s okay. At least I acknowledge where my anger/anxiety comes from and I do not feel like shitty as before. I have my own life to carry now. Things are better now oddly because my dad is physically not doing well and but once in a while, shits still flip around my family because of his uncontrollable rage. Wish I could finish with a positive note but what I want to say is that I cannot change the environment but only can change myself/mental set. Normally I rarely posted things on blind but for some reason I got the notification about your post which made me write for 20 mins and skip my (unnecessary) meeting loll Wish you the best luck and also for our broken but mendable souls 🫶🏻
You see the caveat though? Things are only good because now the parent needs you because their health is bad, but if it was good they would still be a crappy person? It is the same with my Dad right now.
“Things are good” - I meant by conflicts between my parents. However, I have decided that things in my life are good regardless of their conflicts whereas my past me, who had a max level of self symptom, blocked myself in a dark room and could not listen to my inner voice. I do not see my dad’s illness as a caveat. I think it’s just him being a weak human unfortunately. My parents are broken humans who had past traumas, which have been carrying in their whole life. I hardly think that they also want to live their life in that way, but they perhaps do not know how to end (in addition to social pressure)..I see it more like a mental illness symptom and ideally they need to get some help from therapists but they do not listen to me unfortunately. I do not think any irrational/physical abusive behaviors are justified under any conditions though. However, damages have done and everyone in my family are mentally damaged. My personal take is that someone needs to stop this past trauma chain by understanding/acknowledging what we went through and embrace our scars to better future days. Sorry if my tone is somewhat preaching to you 😅 while writing to you, it somewhat feels like I am writing a resolution to myself lol Last but not least, personally one book helped me a lot to process my hard feelings (mastering adulthood: go beyond to become an emotional grown up). Recommend to read anyone who’s going through hard time
is it a thing of the past? if so, understandably hard to forget or forgive, but will ruin any possible chance of having good relation with your father. if it still persists, its a different story and would need to seek a therapist.
Let’s say 24-25 years of damage, and the only reason why things are not the way they are is because he@/ probably old now. I don’t know if he understands in his thick skull how his actions impacted me academically, physically, emotionally, the reason I had to hold back from opportunities to stay near by mother incase he abused her. I feel diseased being around his presence. I don’t know how to explain it.
The best thing to do forgive him and move on by keeping a bare minimum relationship functional with him. Life is too short to bear grudges on anyone let alone a person that fathered you. Therapy can help in this regard. Also possibly have your mother move in with you. This would avoid you having to encounter him again. However if you feel she is now safe from his abuses and prefers living with him then that maybe ok too.