Break up with live in GF
Been living with my gf of 4 years for 3 years now. I really don't have anything against her and really care about her, but I feel some issues like income disparity and also loss of sexual attraction make the future look questionable at best. How do I even go about ending this?
So who is making more? I bet it’s the girl.
If that’s your criteria, you are fucked for life. First off-Income disparity may always be an issue, sometimes one way , sometimes the other. Secondly, two are responsible for keeping attraction alive, if you don’t put any effort, you have zero right to expect the other party to do that work. And third -ladies and gents, take notes, this is why you keep your place until you legally have rights to the shared residence.
Part of the problem is I did put in work.. I lost 100 lbs and now it's been two years she's still massively overweight. I've been super supportive of any effort she's made but never follows through. We're both on the lease, I pay rent, and I'd be happy to cover the rent for a couple more months while she finds a place to live.
Then tell her that. Also, holy shit man, congrats on the 100 pounds lost
What is massively over weight? Post a pic so we can judge!
Reminds me of one of my ex’s. We met when we were both grad students. She was a Stanford EE PhD from an elite academic family full of professors and chancellors. Not a trust fund kid - but definitely had a college fund. I was a midwestern farm kid who had worked my way through college with a mix of scholarships and 50k of loans. I was the first in my family to pursue a graduate degree (a non-tech masters - where I had to learn a shit ton of coding to survive my research assistantship). Somewhere around year 3 she started getting cold feet. She started dropping statements like “I don’t think you can help me buy a house in the Bay Area” and “I’m worried about your debt”. She ended it. She cheated. I was not happy about it. I moved on. 10 sumthing years later I had my tech career rolling (started at Amazon). I buried the student debt hatchet within 2 years of graduation. Met another AMZ employee. Dated for a few years. Married, had kid, and bought a house. Looked that ex up. She’s an associate professor in a really low rate Midwestern school. I’d be mildly impressed if she could afford her precious Bay Area house - but who knows. Moral: Financial circumstances can change more then you realize. I would not be so quick to throw someone you love out because of their income. (PS... Also it’s not just about how much you earn, but also about how much you save. Is she spendy...?)
More context is that it's not so much about the money or the weight even. It's the lack of mindset to work on self improvement. This is what worries me long term. You can lose weight or earn more money, but only if you try
This. Have you considered that she might be slipping because she's reassured that you're always gonna be there? It's a delicate balance and you don't want to issue ultimatums but make it clear that her lack of execution (not results) makes her less attractive. Reward hard work. Results should follow. Otherwise make it clear that her mindset doesn't align with what you want in life.
Wtf. “Reward hard work?” This is a person. Not a dog. Also, just because you are some joe in tech does not make you some sort of god figure who gets to divy out privileges based on women achieving a certain boob to hip ratio. Get real. Look maybe losing weight or making money isn’t interesting to her. If not, what is? If those passions are a bad alignment with yours, then by all means: dump. But I think after 4 years you do owe it to her (and yourself) to find out what’s really occupying her interests....
Have you asked her what her long term goals and/or dreams are? I’m concerned that your definition of “self-improvement” might not match her’s....but to be sure : you should ask. Keep in mind that relationships lose some sex appeal around the 4-3 year mark. I’d take a bullet for my wife - even though the drive isn’t what it was (kids are designed to be cock blockers. Gotta keep the sibling ratio low). Honestly man, your post stinks of “isn’t the grass greener?!”. No dude. It isn’t. (...but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have that adult conversation about what you two want in life. If anything that should be the deal breaker conversation.)
I think telling her that you don't feel attracted to her anymore while breaking up with her is not a good idea. That will really crush her. Maybe tell her that you have a different outlook on life now after your weight loss. Eating healthy and staying fit is a high priority for you and you want to share these habits with your partner. Her lack of motivation makes it clear to you that she is no longer the one.
Sounds like you have already made up your mind? Basically you think with the money and new look you can find a better GF who makes more money and is more physically attractive. But you did not ask yourself do you love the her. If you do I think after 4 years, she deserves a chance to change. A large part of it is communication. It looks like you would Ike to see her working on improving work situation as well as losing so weight. And I am sure you guys have had multiple discussions over this topic but it has not been put into action. What do you think is missing? The most important thing I have learnt from my 4 year married life is communication is the key. Me and my wife is getting along very well and we are life partners. But we had our rough times and we both learnt the best way to communicate. If you do love her and thinks you want to give your relationship a chance, I would try to get marriage counseling and seek some help. 4 years is a long time. She spent the best of 4 years of her life with you and hopefully things could work out Good luck. Follow your heart
You are not even married, just make a decision whatever works best for you. Think about the future, what is the life you want to have. To maintain a relationship, does need both sides’ effort.
Welcome to life. Income disparity is no big deal, sexual disinterest is a bigger deal.