This essay stems from my company's travel coordinator causing me to spiral because she doesn't think anxiety is a real issue. Meanwhile, anxiety is classified as a disability according to the American's Disability Act and therefore company's should be making reasonable accommodations. I'm not brave enough to stand up to her but writing this all down helped me come down from the panic attack last night. I decided to share it anonymously here on Blind because I’ve been struggling lately. I’ve been struggling for a long time, but it’s gotten worse lately. I’ve seen others online opening up about their mental health challenges so I decided that maybe there’s something to it. Maybe sharing our individual stories will help us all. I have anxiety. I think I’ve had it forever but it was only really diagnosed after college. When I was young, I was always told to stop being scared of everything. And to stop worrying about things that don’t affect me. So as I said, I have many memories from my childhood that I look back on and clearly see the anxiety, but at the time it wasn’t diagnosed. Twice in the past ten years I’ve had panic attacks that landed me in urgent cares. I couldn’t even go to an ER because I panic in hospitals and refused to get in the car. One of those panic attacks I thought I was having a heart attack in my early 30s. I never did figure out what triggered the panic attack but it escalated when I was panicking about not knowing why my heart was racing and my face felt pins and needley (a symptom of hyperventilation). An EKG and prescription later, I was calmed down enough to go home and follow-up with my primary care doctor. This past year, I’ve stopped or changed doing many things I love because of my fears. I know my anxiety is irrational. I understand the basic statistics and facts about the things that cause me to react but I still panic. My anxiety is not rational, and it manifests as physical symptoms caused by thoughts and actions. There are a few things that have helped me cope with my anxiety through the years. One is avoidance, which isn’t a long-term solution. The other is routines. When I know what to expect, I can better prepare. For example, I have always had a fear of flying. It was actually this fear that helped me finally get diagnosed. Eventually, avoidance stopped being a solution. I was tired of missing out on things and my family was tired of dealing with my breakdowns at the airport. Eventually in college I had a therapist that recognized what was happening. She helped me learn methods to calm down and my doctor gave me my first Xanax prescription. Armed with these coping methods and pills I finally applied for my first passport and went on a student tour directly after graduating and before starting my first job. I still consider many of the people I met on that tour to be good friends and even hung out with one on my last trip to California. Since then, I am now a regular flier. I even have status with the airline. I went from being unable to get on a plane to preferring flying for work. Each time I have my Xanax on hand and the techniques I’ve learned over the years to help me. Having an aisle seat in front of the wings is one such technique. When I’m in the middle or window seat, I feel trapped. Obviously even in an aisle seat I can’t get off a moving plane, but knowing I can get up quicker helps. I know statistically the back of a plane is more likely to survive a crash but the plane’s noises are louder on or behind the wings and every time the engines adjust and change sounds I react. As soon as I am provided my flight reservation information I go on the American Airline app and move myself to a seat that better reduces my stress levels. That’s another routine that really helps me, the consistency of always flying the same airline. I know what to expect from them. From the brand of cookies they give out to the timing of the beverage cart on the flight, the familiarity helps me stay calm. This might be a double-edged sword though because just the idea of flying with another airline induced a panic attack recently, almost bailing on a conference I was excited about just to avoid the flight. I have always tried to hide my symptoms but lately it’s gotten more difficult which is why I decided to write this all down. I have also started reaching out to find a new therapist because while my doctor still writes me the prescription for Xanax I know that my anxiety is starting to really affect my daily life more than in the past. I’m canceling on friends and almost canceled on work, just to avoid stressors. It’s my hope that this story can help others going through the same thing. But honestly, just writing it all down has helped me a little because I was spiraling again. #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Travel
TLDR please
Seems that OP has bad anxiety, flying is a serious trigger, and so they need specific airline/seating choices to minimize it and their company’s travel coordinator is not accommodating this and is not acknowledging the anxiety.
OP has panic disorder and mild-moderate agoraphobia as a result. In college OP sought counseling and now uses coping mechanisms and Xanax to help with panic. A common symptom of agoraphobia and panic disorder is avoiding things that might trigger panic; for OP it is notably about flying with a different airline in this post. OP also commonly ditches plans with friends because of avoidance.
Yes, please find a new therapist. Be curious where your anxiety comes from, shift your attention to what your anxiety is trying to solve emotionally vs how to avoid it. That requires time and deeper introspection, ideally with a good therapist. Anxiety is not a condition someone is born with. It’s not a permanent state of living and it’s worth it to learn more about the roots and the story of your specific anxiety. Otherwise, your experience of the world will keep shrinking
Not the first time I've been told to just stop it or "get over it". I wish it was that easy.