Family Dynamic Issues when it comes to Money/TC
Hey Guys, heads up, this might be a long one. My cousins and I grew up very close (Located in Midwest), like we were brothers and sisters. Our parents were immigrants from South East Asia so they were pretty much poor. As we grew up, we learned to love and enjoy each other (Good and Bad). I eventually went to college and finished up. I was very fortunate to also land a job right out of school paying 70k, Super Happy :) Also, I was not the smartest kid in my family, so not much expectations from me. A lot of the attention was focused on the older cousins who were much more mature, or younger ones who had a much brighter future.. Seriously, not even kidding. Some of my other cousins went to school around the same time I did . Some dropped out, others finished but couldn't land a job, and others landed but started at <50k. When I finished school, my grandparents had asked for my salary. I happily told them because I didn't want them to worry, and that they have done everything they could for me (Coming to USA during the Vietnam War, ETC), and that I appreciate everything and wanted them to know that I'm doing Ok. Well, that quickly went upside down. News spread quick. Some family members found out about my salary, and started telling me that I'm rich now. It's cool at first, because we all strive to be that, but now easily getting annoying. AND No, I seriously do not think I'm rich. That's like literally just above avg income in my location. Also, My grandparents do not live with me, they live with my uncle, who one of his kids went to the same school as me and graduated but was finding it tough to land a job right away. He is also one of my closest cousin too. Little did I know, I had created this shadow that I didn't know that would haunt him for years, and that followed to my other cousins who also was in similar situation. Some how, the parents starts telling me that they wished their kids were like me, or that they want their kids to join the company I was at so they can be rich too. They start asking me to help their kids to write up their resume, or tell them my secret to how I made this much. What secret are they talking about, WTF? Things start getting weird. I do want to help them, but I'm trying to focus on myself because I'm barely surviving at work now. Projects are super hard, and I'm working as a SWE with a non CS degree. Every time I make a career suggestion to them though, they seemed a bit annoyed. Makes me think their parents are already giving them an earful, and I'm probably not making this situation better for them. Plus it could just be their parents saying all these to me for them, when they really couldn't care less. (Our parents put a lot of pressure on us to do well in life, so I don't blame them one bit too if they felt annoyed.) Fast forward 5+ years, now making 100k+, and I never revealed my salary to them ever again. I felt so bad, I had good intention when I first got my job because I wanted my elders to know that they don't need to worry about us young folks as we can take care of ourselves. Well, now married, and a kid, we buy ourselves a 500k home. My extended family is really judging now, Cousins, Uncles, Aunties and whoever else. They will literally ask me for the price of my home and once I reveal, will comment "Dang, that's a half a million dollar home". It's tough being in a situation where I'm doing my best to take care of myself to put me in a position where I will do well in life (Including my wife and kid), but others will say that I'm too good for them. Sometimes, I don't feel they try to do that for themselves in the best position. Instead they just wish it will happen to them like buying a lottery ticket and hoping you will become a millionaire overnight. They also never say anything bad to me directly, but their attitude def says it. Sometimes they will try to explain something to me, and say "Money isn't everything", or "Those who make more should give more to the family", and I completely agree with that, but now it just seems that was towards me. I seriously work my butt off to be in this position. Sure I might have been lucky too, but now, sometimes I feel I don't deserve this, because my family doesn't appreciate my growth. In their eyes, it would be way better if I struggled finding a job, or worked minimum wage or something along that line. Breaking 6 figures was a super big milestone for me. Literally everyone in my team is making that or more, so on a daily base, it feels normal. Compared to the Blind Community, I bet my TC is like nothing. I don't want to assume my family is jealous, but I sure feel that. My priorities might be different compared to what theirs are, and I'm far from perfect nor feel even near where I want to be in life. Some of them just want to get wasted every weekend, and that's cool and all. I will join you once in a while, but I wouldn't be able to keep up every weekend lol. But honestly, I'm unsure how I can fix this, or how I can make this better for everyone. As I continue to push my self, my TC will most likely climb, which will only drift me further away from my Family Members. IDK what to do, or if I should just leave as is. This is my family, and I love them to death, but some things might be left untouched. I'm hoping this weird situation that everyone feels, we can all just laugh together someday and at least us cousins can say we were just young and dumb to feel this. TC 140k.
Grew up with some SEA friends. At least they don't all start putting their hands in your pockets. I've seen that and it wasn't pretty.
South asian here. These sort of things happens in my community as well. Iâd say try to move past it somehow. Donât mix family and money/salary. Stay humble which you are already. Donât be afraid to cut off contacts with family if it gets too bad for you. Lastly, seek some therapy to get real advice vs randos on blind.
Hey bro, Iâm not quite in the same position but can empathize with what youâre saying. Iâm also an immigrant (from India) and came here when I was 3. My parents have a lot of other Indian immigrant friends. When youâre doing well in school, (winning competitions, awards, getting recognized for something) itâs like getting high off of that sweet drug of prestige. I usually did a little better than my peers up till high school but we were all just friends. I was just basking in the glory and didnât realize how much pressure the adults were putting on their kids. âLook at him, he won x, if you also worked hard you could have done the same.â It wasnât until college that I got my ass handed to me. Went from being the big fish in a small pond to a small fish in an ocean of sharks. I had to learn how to compete with the international Chinese students who I swear were doing calculus in the womb đ. I saw my other friends thriving, getting job offers, and having great social lives when I was lonely, struggling, and was on borderline academic probation. It was at this time the comparison started working against me and I saw how I was now berated instead of being in the glory. It was a brutal time in my life but it taught me some of the most valuable lessons I learned. I eventually turned it around and landed well. 1. Comparison is how happiness dies. 2. You never really know what someone else is going through. You think their life is perfect until you learn about their secrets, and you become thankful for what you have 3. Life is a rollercoaster, youâre never going to be on top or bottom forever. Reach out to your cousins man donât let the connections die. Iâve lost childhood friends who just wonât come out with me and the other âsuccessfulâ kids anymore because they didnât break into a 6-figure job out of college and feel out of place. No one mentions TC or work, but they just donât come out even for like burgers and shakes. I really get where the adults in your family are coming from. As an immigrant you apply this pressure because of survival necessity. You feel the pressure that your kid is going to be left behind. You donât know the system. You assume what others are doing must be right. That TC = success. But you have to realize that you canât stay in that hyper aggressive competing mentality forever, itâs toxic, will burn you out, and make your life hell. Hope this helps, and hope you feel a little better, feel free to DM
was going to craft a nice response because i can relate to some of the stuff in your post but everyone else has already given you basically what i would have said. itâs hard when others arenât doing as well as you, but you only got one life so live up to your standard and achieve what you want to achieve, donât limit yourself just because others are less fortunate. life is unfair, but such is life.
Keep a distance.
I avoid talking salary with my family and even with my mother I only told her a fraction of my real income. Itâs true that ppl start acting weird around you when u r more successful. Thankfully I donât live near any of them and I honestly donât care what they think. I know it can be difficult when ppl keep telling u how fortunate u r, thatâs so freaking weird, like ok itâs not just luck but more hard work. I always tell folks Iâm happy to offer guidance if they want to learn to code, otherwise đ€·đ» And oh, the âMoney isnât everythingâ â so classic đ Iâve def got that one told to me like n times lolâŠ
Thankfully my families are all rich and my tc 300k is a joke to them lol. But seriously, don't feel bad. Just work hard and keep encouraging your cousins
Sounds like the problem is you thinking too much what others think about you. Just stop talking about money around them and if they push for the topic just change it or say you donât want to talk about finances.