Women in Tech

Emotional

Microsoft Mintt
Dec 1

How many of you have received feedback about being emotional at work? Even when the worst thing happens I think there is an expectation to be completely emotion free by women in my group. The men in group can get mad, angry shout no problem, but if I raise my voice or display any kind of emotions I’m looked at as ‘weak’. Crying of course would be a complete No. I have felt this multiple times on different teams I worked.
What are your thoughts? How do we end this ?

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  • Microsoft kvitka
    How do you know if men receive this feedback less often? I'm pretty sure they get similar feedback.

    I'm a girl, but I hate when people use their emotions to control a direction of the conversation. It's manipulative and doesn't help to solve a fk
    Dec 110
    • Bloomberg iVX372
      I have a male coworker who does this. Super annoying, and we're a team of all men
      Dec 1
    • Bloomberg iVX372
      No idea what kind of feedback he has received, but he seems to be my manager's least favorite. He never delivers anything on time, complains about team dynamics and constantly kisses ass. Fortunately, the latter annoys my manager and he isn't impressed. Frankly I think this guy has previously gotten ahead by being political at companies where that mattered more than delivery
      Dec 1
    • Microsoft kvitka
      I too had such co-worker. He always had some kind of drama with his girlfriends, and projected his mood to our daily communication. It was ok for the first few months, the team would support him and all that, but it became irritating as he could easily start crying while defending his arguments or yelling at someone. He'd then come and apologise, but honestly it's just hard to keep respect for someone like this.
      Dec 1
    • Bloomberg iVX372
      Agreed. Admittedly, remaining 100% focused and unperturbed at the office when you lose love can be tough. But that's rare...only happens at most a few times per lifetime. Many people date without love
      Dec 1
    • Microsoft kvitka
      I don't date without love, and if something happens I might be just a mess. Some co-workers might ask what happen or offer support, but again I'd just refrain from exposing my emotions so that they affect people not related to the story.
      Dec 1
    • Intel :-) :-)
      I'm queer and don't share my personal or dating life in the office :/
      Only like 2 people even know I'm not str8. It isn't something I want the techbros to know haha.
      Dec 2
    • Microsoft kvitka
      :-):-), my ex would pick me up from work or join for holiday parties, that's pretty much enough for people to know. Not sure sharing details with peers is something I'd do, nor they'd care🙂
      Dec 2
    • Intel :-) :-)
      Are you also queer? My partner gets self-conscious about hanging out in mixed settings with co-workers too. It's not something I feel comfortable sharing either. I have some pretty conservative co-workers who rarely share their opinions but I know they aren't cool with that. Seagate sponsored a booth at a queer tech mixer locally (very tame, they were recruiting). A co-worker told me he didn't think it was "kid-friendly" to take his kid there...Everyone is dressed appropriately at a tech mixer. He didn't want his kids around gay people because he thinks it's "unsafe".

      To each their own. I think it's really cool you could bring your ex to holiday mixers. I plan to stay deep in the closet for now. I live in Colorado if that makes a difference.
      Dec 2
    • Microsoft kvitka
      I'm straight, but don't care about other's preferences. I'm free to choose my partner, and it should be the same for everyone. Your coworker is trying hard to keep his kids in a bubble of his own standards, that works only while they're little.

      Just saw your update. I'm in Seattle, and people are chill here. You still see conservative ones, but not much.
      Dec 2
    • Intel :-) :-)
      Totally agreed. I deal with enough by being the only woman in my team. I don't want my career to be stunted because of my personal life. Loads of people keep their kids in bubbles here. Especially if they are from a non-western culture...

      I wish I lived in Seattle or Portland. I do not like CO. I moved for the job but totally hate the culture here. Boulder is a tiny, expensive blue bubble surrounded by a sea of Midwestern red.
      Dec 2
  • This shouldn’t be a men vs female problem. Why do we always assume everything is a problem because someone is female
    Dec 14
  • Intel :-) :-)
    As upsetting as it is, you can't "end this". You will always have a narrower "work-appropriate" scope for things like demonstrating emotion. There has been a decline in women graduating with tech degrees despite the increase of women in college. The vast majority of founders for the computer science field are women...and we are still in decline in this field. It's just reality. You can't cry or show strong emotions in the workplace. Sorry.
    Dec 14
    • SAP / EngWeasel
      Mostly because women in leadership won’t fix it for their next generation. It’s already hard enough for them to survive.
      Dec 1
    • Intel :-) :-)
      I disagree. The problem is societal. It is a bigger problem than the women in leadership can address alone.
      Dec 1
    • SAP / EngWeasel
      What is the point of leadership if you won’t represent?
      Dec 1
    • Intel :-) :-)
      Hm, I've had a lot of women in leadership positions mentor, coach, and sponsor me. In my experience, they are usually happy to help (particularly if they manage you directly). Again, this doesn't address the decline of women in the field in general. That's on the high school and college level.
      Dec 2
  • Intel :-) :-)
    Have you read "Nice Girls (still) Don't get the Corner Office"?
    It's amazing. It was written by an executive coach on the topic of women in the workplace playing field.

    When I started in my career 6 years ago, I did get some feedback like this. It did not last long because I got a different manager who understood me a lot better. She was a woman. After her, I changed the way I communicated. She was a great coach. Even small things like body language or how you dress can affect the perception of others in the office.
    Dec 11
    • SAP / EngWeasel
      Truer words were never uttered.
      Dec 1
  • Uber J Leave
    It’s generally not okay for men to lose their tempers either. You shouldn’t put up with that, if it’s happening on your team.
    Dec 10
  • Disney GKgi22
    My female colleague and I (also female) were called “intimidating” by our ineffective and underachieving male manager. Before he came on board we had only the highest praise from everyone inside and outside our org. We both ended up leaving.
    Dec 10
  • Citibank / Eng$$>RSU
    50% of workforce has likely received this feedback.
    Dec 10
  • New
    nfs

    New

    PRE
    Booking.com
    nfsmore
    As a manager I can promise you, men get this feedback all the time (and even get fired at extreme cases).
    The question is, are you going to listen and work on the feedback, or are you going find excuses why not to accept it.

    I'm wondering, what specific reasons you had cry at work and why did you feel you couldn't do that in front of your manager in a private setting (like 1:1)?
    Dec 20
  • Microsoft NFca01
    Not everything is fair for men either, I recently provided feedback to a man about not shouting in the meetings.
    Dec 10
  • Intel :-) :-)
    Yes but men don't get this feedback as often...and women do make unconcious mistakes that make others perceive them as "weaker". The playing field is narrower for women in this particular case.
    Dec 10
  • T-Mobile / Ops
    WriteMe

    T-MobileOps

    PRE
    Microsoft, Amazon
    WriteMemore
    Men having temper tantrums at Microsoft is the stuff of legends. Steve throwing chairs and screaming. Kevin losing his shit at every meeting. Even Bill had fits. It’s seen as leadership when they do it.
    I’m hoping that’s the old outdated thinking in general.
    I don’t see that behavior at TMO and at Amazon bullying was much more on intellectual level.
    2d0
  • Apple / Eng
    OxKing

    AppleEng

    BIO
    Strong and built like an Ox
    OxKingmore
    I am a male and from my experience the most emotional sex in tech are male. The emotions come out as yelling, cursing, huffing and puffing, stomping their feet like a toddler while walking etc. I don’t tolerate any of this behavior from a man or woman in the workplace. People have bad days and I excuse the behavior when it is a person that rarely lashes out because I do not know they are going through. When this behavior becomes the norm and it is someone in a leadership position I lose all respect for them.

    I am a very strong and muscular individual that looks intimidating at first but I am always told that I always seem happy. There are some days I’m mentally dying but I never take it out on coworkers. I purposely try to uplift and help others when I’m feeling down. If I am feeling terribly down I take a sick day. If I were to snap on people that deserve it they will probably pee their pants 😀

    Being overly emotional on a regular can easily obscure your talents. You can’t expect everyone to view the way you show your emotions as being positive.
    5d0
  • Facebook Whateverrs
    Shouting would obviously be for very different reasons than crying, so no point putting it the same bucket. They're very different issues.

    If someone is shouting, they're presumably angry. Meaning angry at someone else, probably for doing something poorly or not as desired.... Implying they already are in a position where they're going to be held responsible for someone else's work. If you have no stake in it you wouldn't care. Shouting is unprofessional, but the crappy manager who shouts probably wasn't shouting until he got promoted to manager. I've never worked with anyone who was outright shouting, but everyone who's every seemed remotely angry about anything was a manager worried about being held accountable for what had gone wrong.

    Crying on the other hand is way more internal. If you're in the verge of tears in a work situation, it's almost always going to be because you can't handle criticism or don't have confidence in your work. The only way you're going to advance in your career is by internalizing constructive feedback and using it to effect change. If constructive negative feedback overwhelms you, and your emotional response makes people hesitate to give it to you, you're not going to advance.

    Grow thicker skin. I've learned a ton in my career that way. It's incredibly helpful to just acknowledge any view anyone has, disregard whether you agree with it or not, and focus directly on if there's anything you can use to improve your performance or perceived performance. It doesn't matter if you're male or female, you aren't going to make it to really senior levels with thin skin.
    Dec 10
  • Intel :-) :-)
    This dumb app won't let me cite the book I want because it flags it as an ad....woman here too. There are numbers released from HR reports that back this up. It's confirmation bias.
    Dec 10

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