I am a TransGirl AMA

Microsoft PinkGeek
Aug 16, 2018 159 Comments

I have started to transition 3.5 years ago while working at Microsoft.
I am the Board Chair of a Transgender Rights non-profit.
AMA.

comments

Want to comment? LOG IN or SIGN UP
TOP 159 Comments
  • Lyft kya6d3
    I think transgenders should disclose that fact on dating profiles so I don't discover it too late in the process.
    Is that cool?
    Aug 16, 2018 32
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      If you don't want to be with a trans woman then that is fine.
      You are not obligated to find anyone attractive nor are you obligated to sleep with anyone you don't find attractive.

      What I am saying is that preferences for not wanting to date trans women have some sort of non-negligible levels of transphobia mixed in, in some way shape or form.
      Aug 21, 2018
    • Nielsen / Eng
      ReferMePls

      Nielsen Eng

      PRE
      Google
      ReferMePlsmore
      ^ nnno it doesn't
      Aug 21, 2018
    • Lyft kya6d3
      That's absolutely incorrect, a preference to not have sex with a person who has a dick does not have any level of transphobia, in any way shape or form.
      Amazing that you wrote an entire medium article without understanding that fact.

      Define "transphobia" and see for yourself. your entire argument is based on the assumption that you are entitled to sex, that people owe you sex and if they don't give it to you they are .
      Entitlement went overboard.
      Aug 21, 2018
    • Indeed / Eng WrinklMgee
      Thinking like that Basically makes you the same as incels
      Aug 21, 2018
    • Nielsen / Eng
      ReferMePls

      Nielsen Eng

      PRE
      Google
      ReferMePlsmore
      ^ spot on
      Aug 21, 2018
  • Uber Hdjci24
    A lot of progressives and pro-trans rights people give puberty blockers to their children to give them the choice to transition. What are your thoughts on this?
    Aug 16, 2018 9
    • Indeed / Eng PorshePwns
      Just as evil as castration and genital mutilation
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Indeed / Eng PorshePwns
      So if puberty is not reversible are you saying that any trans who started after puberty are not really the new gender?
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Google UAjM43
      PinkGeek: the available science suggest that 60-90% if kids grow out of it post-puberty. Most eventually identified as gay men or women:

      http://www.sexologytoday.org/2016/01/do-trans-kids-stay-trans-when-they-grow_99.html?m=1

      If you don’t start puberty at the normal time due to hormone blockers, you’re preventing the natural means by which most children grow into and comfortable with their adult bodies.

      It is entirely unclear what, precisely, leads to the current tragic suicide rate among transgendered people. I could easily believe that social isolation plays a part, but I think it’s more complicated.
      Aug 18, 2018
    • Google UAjM43
      Not trolling here, I think it’s a serious issue. For what it’s worth, I think the “transgender brain from birth” theory is highly plausible, and I’m not “anti-trans.” I /am/ anti-harassment of scientists by insecure adults seeking to externally validate their own life choices.
      Aug 18, 2018
    • Indeed / Eng Felinefine
      Suicide rate is probably due to untreated mental illness since gender dismorphya is being normalized
      Aug 18, 2018
  • Apple / Eng JobsHand
    2 genders tho
    Aug 16, 2018 14
    • Apple Okidoki
      1 - HIV is very different; 2 - gay sites are typically more about sex than dating.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Lyft kya6d3
      I'm talking about gay sites for dating, the ones for sex have a dick size fields and dick photos everywhere. please don't lecture me about gay dating bro I've fucked a thousand men.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Indeed / Eng PorshePwns
      Yep only 2
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Indeed / Eng PorshePwns
      Dont worry in California they no longer have to tell you if they have AIDS
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Amazon tro37
      There are also people born with 2 heads and 4 arms but we don’t say that the number of heads and arms is a spectrum. These are anomalies.
      Jun 16
  • VMware titu12
    what is transgender right? how is it different from general human right? Can you give example?
    Aug 16, 2018 2
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      Transgender people have specific needs such as the need to change their names on their ID documents or specific medical needs. But in the end yes it is all human rights. It is just a different emphasis and an expanded understanding.

      I usually talk about gay rights to simplify the conversation most of the time.
      Gay people didn't ask for special gay rights to get married. They asked for the same rights to marry the person they loved to be applied to them. Now in the US with marriage rights for all, people have the human right to get married to people they love regardless of their gender.

      Similarly Transgender people are seeking rights to live their lives genuinely like everyone else.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Pinterest xguy
      Great answer
      Aug 16, 2018
  • Apple Okidoki
    What makes you feel you are a woman? I mean, there are certain stereotypes about femininity that women are challenging right now. What made you think that you aren’t just a feminine man, but a woman? For example, if it was ok growing up to wear dresses and makeup for men, would you still want to go through this transition?
    Aug 16, 2018 7
    • Pinterest xguy
      Very hard to imagine and your question made me wonder what it means to be "male" at all.
      I mean, I'm attracted to women and generally prefer the company of women, but that doesn't define maleness since some of my lesbian friends have similar preferences.
      So, OP - given that your sexual preference hasn't changed in your transition, what ways has your identity changed during your transition?
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      My sexual preference has changed a bit. I am more open to dating women actually now.
      I now find it less threatening to my gender identity to date women so I am more open to giving it a try.
      Also often times men are scary...
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      All women quickly learn to fear men and with good cause.
      Transgender women especially transgender women of color face the highest rates of violent crimes especially murder. Especially from men.
      So as a transgender woman of color, when I say that I often times find men scary, I am saying this based off of facts.
      You are just trying to prove a point and failing to do so.
      So no it is not ok for you to say that.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      This entire AMA is highly stressful for me. I am being very open and trying to give detailed and honest answers to all the questions. I only said it to bring a little bit if humor into it which was clearly my mistake but I still do stand by it. Especially given the context that I was stating it in. Intimate partner violence is a very real thing for women and especially for transgender women. I take lots of precautions so that I avoid dangerous situations with men.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Apple Okidoki
      There is a difference being with someone you know for a while and your friends know too and someone who you’ve met on Tinder and this is one of the first dates.
      Aug 16, 2018
  • Apple Tim'sCock
    Most thoughtful AMA answers I have read in Blind.
    Aug 16, 2018 2
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      Thank you. I try.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Uber Hdjci24
      For sure. Can’t say I agree with everything being said but thank you for taking the time to explain your thought process. ESP without any hostility
      Aug 16, 2018
  • Amazon it's m
    At Amazon there are mixed sex toilets. Urinals have been abolished and both sexes are welcome in those toilets. All because of diversity. I presume for cross gender employees. I don't mind sharing a bathroom with transgenders if they identify to be the same but it makes me very uncomfortable to share bathrooms with women, and I can only assume it feels the same for them. Thoughts?
    Aug 16, 2018 5
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      We are all human and we all have to go to the bathroom. As long as the stalls are private and why would you care who is in the stall next to you?

      No one is really comfortable in the bathroom and that really has nothing to do with gender I think.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Amazon it's m
      It's exactly why I don't go to the bathroom on that floor. So I think it has a lot to do with it.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Pinterest xguy
      My company started doing unisex bathrooms a few years ago (probably one of the first to do so). It was a bit uncomfortable in the beginning but now I prefer the unisex bathrooms since they have more privacy than the regular American bathrooms with "half-doors"
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Amazon it's m
      Why not stay separated and build proper bathroom doors? (Just like that there should be dividers between urinals)
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Indeed / Eng PorshePwns
      There’s something exciting about having a really stinky bowel movement in a unisex bathroom
      Aug 16, 2018
  • VMware titu12
    When Transgenders participate in competitive sports that separate male/female category, do you think they should compete in their own category or joining existing one of their choosing?
    Aug 16, 2018 5
    • Intel / Eng Ayy lmao
      Transgender people *
      Aug 16, 2018
    • VMware titu12
      sorry, no disrespect here, English not my first language
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      "Transgender People" not "Transgenders"

      For the most part Transgender women who have been on hormones for a significant period of time has no competitive advantage over other women beyond the natural ranges of women's abilities.

      When you talk about qualifications of transgender women to compete in women's sport it also brings into question of some Cisgender womens' qualifications to compete also. There is no way to exclude transgender women from playing in a sport with other women without writing a policy that explicitly bans them at which point you are discriminating.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Groupon cEpB16
      There’s an episode in Radiolab titled “Dutee” where they talk about that too.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Indeed / Eng PorshePwns
      Do you like seeing the trans women fighters in MMA beat up a woman more or less than seeing a man beat up a woman?
      Aug 16, 2018
  • DXC Technology / Eng
    yardbird

    DXC Technology Eng

    PRE
    CSC
    yardbirdmore
    As an older cis man I would like to ask a question that, to me, sounds insensitive, but I believe is probably common among those of us who are still getting used to this issue. Is it commonly understood among the trans community that older cis folks (50+) are trying to adjust to these "new" issues? As someone who has neither known or worked with a trans person most of what I see & here comes via the media, usually through someone involved with advocating for the cause. Media, being what it is, amplifies the most strident voices and this leads to characaturization of transgender folks. Aside from the fact that you shouldn't have to make others feel comfortable with you, reality is reality and just as African Americans had to deal with other people's new normal in the 60s & 70s, do you feel it's appropriate to express a level of understanding to older generations who don't harbor ill will but to harbor deep seated confusion? Is so, how can I help my generation get over the hump as it were?
    Aug 16, 2018 3
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      Exposure helps a lot. Being open to and spreading some of the good media representation is important. There is a new show on FX called pose that features transgender women of color which is amazing. Also there is a YouTube mini series her story that was the first thing on YouTube to be nominated for an Emmy.
      There are also books written by amazing transgender people like Sarah McBride or Janet Mock.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • DXC Technology / Eng
      yardbird

      DXC Technology Eng

      PRE
      CSC
      yardbirdmore
      Thank you for the insight and thank you for your patience and willingness to help. I think it you are doing a great service to our culture. A culture that has shown that all it takes is time, patience, and communication to make good change happen organically.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Amazon tro37
      Janet Mock 😂
      Jun 16
  • Microsoft hoover
    Hey, thanks for doing this! This must require a whole lot of effort / emotional labor / energy, and I appreciate you putting that in even when it's not your responsibility to, as I'm sure others here do
    Aug 16, 2018 2
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      I was struggling a bit but this made me smile.
      Thank you.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Microsoft senio
      Yes, thank you! It help me educate a lot. We all appreciate your efforts!
      Aug 16, 2018
  • Apple Okidoki
    Another q: I’ve seen some stats that a lot of transgender people are not happy and the suicide rate is still pretty high. Do you know if this is true? Does it have to do with their decision to transition or the readiness of the society to accept them after the transition?
    Aug 16, 2018 5
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      Studies show that 40% of transgender people have attempted suicide at some point in their lives which is about 9 times the average of the standard attempted suicide rate of the US.

      It is mostly from high levels of mistreatment, discrimination, economic hardships, instability due to deeply rooted transphobia in society.

      If interested you can read about the studies here.
      http://www.ustranssurvey.org/reports
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Microsoft TrumpWins
      "It is mostly from high levels of mistreatment, discrimination, economic hardships, instability due to deeply rooted transphobia in society."

      Then why do black people have some of the lowest suicide rates, even lower than whites? Swap out transphobia for racism in that comment and your logic doesn't make sense.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      Due to incomplete data. People of color suicide rates have historically been misclassified more than white suicide rates.

      Also it is highly problematic that you are using suicide rates of black people to try to discredit the difficulties and hardships of transgender people.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Microsoft TrumpWins
      No actually I'm highlighting the hardships of transgender people. You seem to be the one discrediting the realities that there might be reasons beyond transphobia as to why transgender people have suicide rates 10 times higher than other groups that claim discrimination.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • New gravos
      Well people are born black, so their families and friends already accept them as they are. For a Trans person, I imagine a lot of them experience serious emotional trauma when they are rejected by people close to them after coming out. Possibly long-term isolation and unemployment
      Aug 16, 2018
  • Indeed / Eng PorshePwns
    What does queer really mean? Just seems like the real weirdos adopt that term?
    Aug 16, 2018 2
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      I don't care to answer questions with bad intentions behind them. All of your questions and statements have been hostile.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Indeed / Eng PorshePwns
      Only some of them really. Also legit questions though.
      Aug 16, 2018
  • Microsoft senio
    Is there anything we do knowingly or unknowingly, that is not cool and you'd like us to know? Is there any etiquette we should know about to help you feel more comfortable?
    Aug 16, 2018 2
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      For the most part the biggest thing is to respect people's pronouns. And whenever in doubt it is always ok to ask.

      Also do your homework, there is tons of resources out there these days.
      The GLAAD Media Reference Guide is a great place to learn.
      https://www.glaad.org/reference/transgender
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Microsoft senio
      Thank you!
      Aug 16, 2018
  • Apple Tim'sCock
    You said you started the transition recently, but you also said that you knew it early. How did you manage during teen and college years?
    Aug 16, 2018 2
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      Very poorly lol.
      I was in denial for a very long time. And then I also tried to convince myself that I can be content with living as a gay man.
      I was very femme but it was still not being truthful to myself.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Indeed / Eng PorshePwns
      How long before someone is too far to go back. Are they free to Change back until the penis is chopped off?
      Aug 16, 2018
  • Research Now / Eng Arschloch
    Do you find that lot of men are secretly attracted to TGs but won't admit in real life?
    Aug 18, 2018 1
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      I think that most men in general have a hard time admitting any levels of attraction to Transgender Women whether it be a lot or a little.

      Too much of society views Transgender Women still as men and most men are either too afraid or not wanting to deal with the societal judgement of dating Transgender Women.

      But regardless more and more society is becoming accepting of transgender women more men are willing to be open about having some levels of attraction to them.
      Aug 20, 2018
  • Apple Okidoki
    How big is your dating pool compared to gay men?
    Aug 16, 2018 1
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      My dating pool is tiny. Fortunately for me, I am feminine and conventionally pretty for the most part which makes it a lot easier to date men.

      I found that a lot of men are interested but they can't get over their hangups often times.
      Aug 16, 2018
  • Autodesk wBLo55
    Thank you for this AMA. My son recently came out as transgender so I have been searching for information, especially about personal experiences. I think you are brave to do so here in this forum. To be honest I cry pretty much all the time now because I think about how people will reject/hurt my child because of who he is. The silver lining is I see he is happier having come to this understanding about himself. What were/are some of the most helpful support resources for you?
    Sep 17, 2018 0
  • Indeed / Eng PorshePwns
    Is the desire to be trans psychological or genetic?
    Aug 16, 2018 8
    • Indeed / Eng PorshePwns
      So if biological would it be cool if we could use crisper to prevent it in infants, they’d better be able to have families and less risk of suicide
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Airbnb ⵙ.ⵙ
      Yes I like this idea
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Airbnb ⵙ.ⵙ
      We can also give them IQ of chinaman and athleticism of a black
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Indeed / Eng PorshePwns
      Big penis and quick maths
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Airbnb ⵙ.ⵙ
      Built-in ruler for geometric measurements
      Aug 16, 2018
  • I don’t want to be disrespectful/rude but I also wanted to ask a sensitive question since there’s no downside. I think the idea that men transition to women because they feel like it matches their gender identity doesn’t cover all cases. I think that some (small) percentage transitions to fulfill a sexual fantasy where they are a woman. The key difference being that it’s about sex instead of identity. Do you strongly disagree with that sentiment? I don’t think it advances the cause, so I understand why it wouldn’t be an accepted opinion
    Aug 16, 2018 3
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      This is a dangerous narrative that was fairly common place for a long time. To the point where there was a medical term named after it, autogynephilia.
      Transgender women were told that they are not allowed to feel attractive nor sexy and if they did, they were not allowed to transition as it was not viewed to be serious.
      John Hopkins Medical is infamous for pushing this narrative and causing harm to lots of transgender women by telling them that they weren't really trans but was sick instead. Luckly this is rarely used anymore and even John Hopkins has abandoned it.

      I don't agree with it not because it doesn't advance the cause but because it is sex shaming transgender women for wanting to feel pretty and sexy when cisgender women (and men) are allowed to do so.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Thanks for answering. I think the role of sex is understated and swept under the rug since we live in a prudish society, what do you think?
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Apple Okidoki
      Some people have rape fantasies but they don’t actually want to be raped. Transgender people go “all in”, must be much more than just a fantasy. Although I’d imagine sexual fantasies are deeply connected to who we are and how we see ourselves.
      Aug 16, 2018
  • Indeed / Eng PorshePwns
    Did you ever consider suicide?
    Aug 16, 2018 2
    • Microsoft PinkGeek
      OP
      Yes I have. And I still do contemplate it from time to time. Being transgender often means you have to deal with a lot of the uglier side of humanity and it takes quite a toll on you. Especially for people like me who live very publically.
      Aug 16, 2018
    • Uber Hdjci24
      We appreciate you op, please stay with us. I hope those thoughts are fleeting
      Aug 16, 2018