I had a miscarriage..

Apple FGH456
Oct 2, 2018 40 Comments

I suspected it over the weekend but didn’t want to believe it. Confirmed this morning and feeling super sad today. This year in general has been stressful, with a lot of awful things happening in my personal and professional life. Being a woman and struggling to keep my emotions at bay hasn’t been easy - I’ve wanted to break down several times but I know then I’ll be viewed as weak, a complainer or a pushover at work. I’ve tried to be strong through a lot of it, but now I just feel lost and devoid of strength —> I think I should take a break from work and focus on family and myself.

Has anyone taken a sabbatical before? How did it impact your career when you came back? Was it helpful to get a renewed perspective on life?

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TOP 40 Comments
  • New
    Sorry that you went through that.
    Oct 2, 2018 1
  • Google / Eng Bluths
    Take a break. Work to live, don’t live to work.
    Oct 2, 2018 2
    • Apple FGH456
      OP
      What a great sentiment to live by, clearly I need to re-evaluate my priorities.
      Oct 4, 2018
    • Google / Eng Bluths
      You get one life. Might as well enjoy it :)
      Oct 4, 2018
  • Microsoft Sheesha
    I know how it feels as it happened to my wife. We were shattered to the core. Took us 2 weeks to get back to normal. But today we have a small lil son who just completed a year. Talk to friends frequently. If you feel like crying, please do. It helps to speak your heart out. And never think why me. Instead spend time with your SO, go on dinner dates and you’ll soon be blessed with a lil one.
    Oct 2, 2018 1
    • Apple FGH456
      OP
      Thanks for sharing Sheesha, sorry you went through that as well. Congratulations on your son, gives me hope to hear that - will definitely re-evaluate and reset. For now, I’m still going to work this week to avoid staying home and crying all day but you’re right, I need to let it out and not bottle it up.
      Oct 4, 2018
  • Microsoft tingtang
    Sorry to hear it.
    Oct 2, 2018 3
    • Microsoft tingtang
      And yes, you should take a break. This is a tough time and working through it will make your feelings worse.
      Oct 2, 2018
    • Apple FGH456
      OP
      Thanks for the kind words tingtang. It’s definitely harder to focus at work right now - I am trying to figure out whether I tell my manager what happened or just ask for a sabbatical without stating this specifically.
      Oct 4, 2018
    • Microsoft tingtang
      That all depends on how comfortable you are sharing it. I would say if you are comfortable to do so as it gives reason but otherwise you can just ask for it for health reasons.
      Oct 4, 2018
  • Intel / Mktg
    pasta😋

    Intel Mktg

    BIO
    Currently a product marketing intern at Intel, pursuing full-time roles in product management.
    pasta😋more
    Take a break! Your health (mental and physical) is more important than anything else. Work will always be there when you're ready to get back into things.
    Oct 2, 2018 0
  • Illumina / Other
    Duderin0

    Illumina Other

    PRE
    Illumina
    Duderin0more
    Definitely take a break, it’s not weak at all.
    Oct 2, 2018 0
  • O'Reilly Media Feminist
    Take some time off. Your career or a new one will be there when you come back.
    Oct 2, 2018 0
  • Apple / Eng
    Ghjihk65hg

    Apple Eng

    PRE
    Google, Netflix
    Ghjihk65hgmore
    Sorry to hear. You should take a break. Maybe travel
    Oct 2, 2018 0
  • New NYSE
    Sorry to hear what you went through! The loss must be very painful. Please do not add to the pain by holding your natural reactions!

    Do take a break! Not being at work for 3 months / 6 months or even a year has not killed anyone in a 30 year / 40 year / 60 year career! It does not matter to the company or people if you took a sabbatical. Will make a big difference to you. I have taken 3 breaks over 15 years - best decision each time!
    Oct 5, 2018 2
    • Apple FGH456
      OP
      Thanks for sharing NYSE! I have been thinking about talking to my manager next week - trying to draft the right way to request it since I don’t want to share I had a miscarriage (considering the connotation it carries for women).

      Being a woman in tech is hard enough as is and that’s my main fear (and maybe insecurity) with taking a break and being able to come back. Knowing you took breaks and were able to come back helps a lot!
      Oct 5, 2018
    • New NYSE
      Glad! If it helps breaks were not at the expense of career growth. In fact, I have moved up the ladder a bit faster than my peers (across genders) overall.
      Oct 6, 2018
  • Google GglPotato
    Definitely take a break. Apple should also offer bereavement leave?
    I've taken an 11-week sabbatical before and it was one of the best things I could've ever done for my career and myself.
    Oct 2, 2018 1
    • Apple FGH456
      OP
      I didn’t know I could request bereavement leave for this - I’ll look into it. I am planning to ask for a 8-12 week sabbatical, just need to gather up the courage to do that - I’m very afraid if I don’t state the actual reasons for the sabbatical that I might get walked out ~ insecurities abound.
      Oct 4, 2018
  • Amazon / Product Ffdsd
    So sorry to hear that. We had a miscarriage a few years back and it was very hard. Having a child later helped a lot. Don’t worry, you will be able to have kids!
    Oct 2, 2018 1
    • Apple FGH456
      OP
      Thanks for sharing Ffdsd, sorry you went through that as well and glad to hear you now have a child. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
      Oct 4, 2018
  • New / Eng
    ➿➿

    New Eng

    PRE
    Yahoo, TiVo
    ➿➿more
    I’m very sorry you went through this. It’s unfortunately pretty common but people don’t talk about it openly. My wife took five years off work when our kids were young. It wasn’t easy getting back into the workforce after that long, but a couple of people were willing to take a chance on her and she’s doing great now career-wise. Take the time off if you feel you need it - there’s more to life than Leetcode and TC.
    Oct 2, 2018 1
    • Apple FGH456
      OP
      Thanks for sharing, I have been reading more about it and you’re right. I think people don’t share because it carries a certain connotation and your manager might start blaming every little mis-step in work performance on this and might tag you as weak. I’ve seen male managers do that before.. unfortunate as it sounds.
      Oct 4, 2018
  • AMD
    5nm

    AMD

    PRE
    Intel
    5nmmore
    I am sorry to hear that! Take some personal time and figure out what you want to do. You might just need an extended vacation to reset.
    Oct 2, 2018 0
  • Microsoft Wfxdx3664w
    I took a few months off for medical leave. Don’t know how I would have done if I hadn’t. Highly recommend
    Oct 2, 2018 0
  • Capital One / Other Ofkhd
    Sorry to hear that. Definitely consider taking a break. Career will always be there.
    Oct 2, 2018 0
  • Samsung usr777
    Sorry to hear that take a break probably you can get hired back
    Oct 2, 2018 0
  • Microsoft bread
    😔
    Oct 2, 2018 0
  • Amazon / Eng
    timeout

    Amazon Eng

    PRE
    Intel
    timeoutmore
    Sorry to hear. I’ve been through this myself. It was one of the saddest times. I think taking a long vacation will help. I was eventually able to have 2 more babies, but looking back it was still very hard.
    Oct 3, 2018 1
    • Apple FGH456
      OP
      Thanks for sharing Timeout, sorry you went through that as well. It is extremely sad but I’ve been going to work still to avoid sitting at home and crying all day - someone else suggested I see a therapist and let it out.
      Thinking of asking for 8-12 weeks off - just struggling with how I’ll frame it to my manager and trying to gather up the courage to ask for it.
      Oct 4, 2018
  • Gravity Payments StellaRay
    I recommend you talk to a women or several women around your age or older. Also women who have children. I’ve had 3 female coworkers experience miscarriages this year. It’s incredibly isolating and painful. You are not alone. This is not your fault.

    Taking some time off might also help. I haven’t experienced this myself but my heart aches for you. And it takes quite some time to heal for some. I’m so so sorry. I think you’ll be surprised how many people can relate and want to support you through this.
    Oct 25, 2018 0
  • Twitch @#$_&-+()/
    You give birth ones or few times in a life time. You bring someone to life, who can change your entire life.
    Take a break from work. Minor hiccups in career is not that important than ur happiness and a new life on this Earth.
    Oct 24, 2018 0
  • VMware BobbleHat
    Been there. Make sure you are filling your time with activities with your SO. The worst thing possible would be to sit at home alone ruminating on it. Another thing that helped us a lot is to mention it to close friends and finding out we were not alone. You will be surprised how extremely common it is, but everyone hides it. Also our next baby is perfect. So don’t worry about trying again. Same for all our friends.
    Oct 3, 2018 0
  • Cadence EmbedScrew
    Sorry you went through this. Take a career break. Family always comes first.
    Oct 3, 2018 0
  • McAfee Hansolo12
    Sorry to hear that. Hope things get better. I think you should be okay to take a sabbatical and get back to work. Lot of people have done it. But also think about if you really want to do that. May be take a week off, go somewhere and then get back to it
    Oct 2, 2018 0
  • Microsoft golantrevi
    Sorry to hear that. Think about it this way- a few months of sabbatical will be a blip in a decades long career, so go for it. Hopefully you will come back refreshed.
    Oct 2, 2018 0
  • Expedia Maddy1
    Sorry to hear. It can be though but remember it’s not permanent. Stay strong! Take a vacation, go somewhere it might refresh things.
    Oct 2, 2018 0
  • Vertivco / Eng
    Fast Papua

    Vertivco Eng

    PRE
    YouTube, American Bureau of Shipping, Facebook
    Fast Papuamore
    Sorry.
    Oct 2, 2018 0
  • Tesla / Eng
    embedder

    Tesla Eng

    BIO
    Interested in all things embedded systems
    embeddermore
    Sorry to hear. 😔 To echo what everyone else said, there’s nothing wrong with taking a break. Sometimes it’s really necessary. Don’t worry too much about career impact - most reasonable people will understand.
    Oct 2, 2018 0

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