I was sexually assaulted at work by someone I respected and truly liked

Amazon BigLove
Oct 8 186 Comments

I knew him for a few years. He used to be my boss. I keep getting panic attacks in the office.

He’s very sorry and apologized but I can’t stop feeling ashamed.

I have started seeing a therapist and it has helped a lot but I won’t report him. I don’t want him to lose his job or cause his family stress.

I guess I just needed to tell someone.

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TOP 186 Comments
  • Autodesk fomo!
    You need to protect the next person that he might do this to, not his family
    Oct 8 20
    • Apple fssfssff
      I don’t think she is asking for help to make a decision. She already has.
      Oct 8
    • Daimler lonelyatni
      Yeah, true enough. My bad on not reading the.m situation better
      Oct 8
    • Microsoft SoarSore
      Leave her alone folks. She has had enough and should decide what she does or not. Let her vent and leave it at that. Pressuring her to report him etc is just another form of social shaming and bullying.
      Oct 8
    • Google Mr. Glass
      Plot twist: she seduced him and then regretted it later in retrospect. Why is it the default assumption that it’s his fault? As a matter of fact, I know many women who use their charm and seduction to get men who are receptive to help them when they’re stuck on technical things or to offload work, why the surprise when it backfires? Maybe the reason she feels guilty is because somewhere deep down her conscience knows this. Just a possibility to consider. So, no: You might not need to “protect the next person that he might do this to.” because you don’t get to declare guilty until proven innocent. Don’t believe all the victim narratives out there.

      I don’t mean to offend her - I don’t even know this person. I’m just cautioning against the strong unsubstantiated bias in this thread. The truth is often bitter and shit just got real. Check your biases.
      Oct 12
    • Autodesk fomo!
      Biases exist everywhere, the world apparently is unfair, go figure
      Oct 12
  • Amazon / Eng
    weeeeeeee

    Amazon Eng

    BIO
    AWS
    weeeeeeeemore
    Details?
    Oct 8 21
    • Twitter trk612x
      I’ve never done anything like that at work and I don’t plan to.

      Sorry but blind is the worst place to bring this to, I have a lot that I can say, but I don’t want to. Complete lack of context.

      I hope you can get through this.
      Oct 9
    • Salesforce curious01
      OP, did he try to kiss on your lips ?
      Then it is damn serious and not at all trivial I guess.
      Also don't you have a boyfriend.
      Oct 9
    • Google Mr. Glass
      This OP is clearly a troll.
      Oct 12
    • Adobe ladyt
      Check out all the douchebros who are freaking out about the possibility that their female colleagues might finally start reporting their bullshit.
      Oct 14
    • Amazon FucKnuckle
      ^ yup OP must be a troll because she didn’t check all the boxes to satisfy their narrative. Give it a rest tech bros.
      Oct 14
  • Facebook Almostdone
    I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through and the way you feel right now.

    He was your boss and it was a wrong thing to do on his side. I wouldn’t call it a sexual assault though if all that happened is that he misunderstood your emotions and that he kissed you without you saying no.
    Oct 8 6
    • Amazon xctwbn
      I think Facebook is thinking of rape
      Oct 8
    • Cisco VKFU58
      That is not sexual assault. A guy making a move on you when you are showing signs of close friendship trying to kiss you is not crazy. If you aren't interested don't kiss him and just tell him no you aren't into him.

      Women continually reporting and claiming this #metoo crap over a guy hitting on them when they think they are interested is whats killing our society. Then like clockwork will of course cry that your single and can't find a guy to date. Well no shit you women scare all the men away with false sexual assault claims.
      Oct 8
    • Amazon BigLove
      OP
      ^ you’re 100% wrong and it is the exact definition. I won’t google that for you since you’re a big strong dude. Also, you’re a piece of shit.
      Oct 8
    • Amazon mmmehhhh
      Don’t kiss women at work esp. subordinates. It’s really not a hard rule to follow since you know most straight men would not kiss their male subordinates either.
      Oct 9
    • Facebook Almostdone
      OP can you explain which part is sexual assault? I acknowledge how you feel and we all have different and unique experiences, I really want to understand which part hurt you the most here. Is it the fact that it happened at work and that he was your boss who leveraged position of power and friendliness he built with you? Did he do anything else to force you into the act? How would you feel if it happened outside of work? How would you feel if he wasn’t your boss?
      Oct 9
  • Verisk Analytics pinkfloyd🎸
    Extremely sorry to hear that. Please feel free to DM me if you want to talk..

    It takes immense courage to go through what you’re going.. wish you the best of everything 🤗
    Oct 8 11
    • Verisk Analytics pinkfloyd🎸
      I understand that place brings back the memory.. that’s why I am asking you to change teams..

      Also, a vacation would be good trust me.. if you’re interested come to NY.. I can show you around.. and I am certainly fun to hangout with :)

      If not NY, pick any city you want and just go.. trust me.. I can go with you if want.. trust me this will make you feel better..
      Oct 8
    • Amazon BigLove
      OP
      Wow! That’s amazing. Maybe a little faith in humanity has been restored.
      Oct 8
    • Amazon mnnkn
      DM me
      Oct 8
    • Yahoo mznxbcv
      Wow these dudes are thirsty. Don’t go w strangers OP
      Oct 8
    • Prudential LizzyX
      I’m so sorry that happened to you. I understand what it feels like to wonder if you did something wrong. You didn’t. You aren’t alone. Did you flirt? If yes, you did NOTHING wrong. Did you get drunk? If yes, you did NOTHING wrong. It may take a long time to realize it fully, but the person who assaulted you is the ONLY one who has anything to be ashamed of. I didn’t report my assault of 25 years ago, and with the gift of time, not reporting is now my only regret. I still wonder what if I hadn’t had that much to drink, or what if I’d done something different...I am able to push those thoughts away and remember that he was to blame, not me. You don’t have to report it to heal, but you may regret it later, especially if he does it to someone else. I believe you are a strong courageous woman, and there are others who will help you heal. You are not alone and you did NOTHING wrong. Keep telling yourself that truth- it will help.
      Nov 1
  • Amazon BigLove
    OP
    I think one of the interesting things in this thread are the people who don’t understand how this is sexual assault. It was not only that he didn’t have my consent, but that he was and is in a place of power where consent is tricky if not impossible. When you’re raised to be a nice young lady and respect authority, when you’re a people pleaser that struggles to set boundaries and say no, all of this becomes something you just endure. And then you blame yourself for being weak.

    I was sexually assaulted. However whether or not he is a predator or made an honest mistake is still not clear. I wholeheartedly believe he didn’t think it was assault. I think he saw a chance took it and was wrong. But just because he didn’t intend to hurt me doesn’t mean he didn’t.

    But all of you out there who are saying I didn’t push him away so therefore It’s not assault are just propagating the problem.
    Oct 8 3
    • Autodesk fomo!
      Agree with all of the above, ignore idiots, but you need to be strong young lady, not just nice and submissive. Authority doesnt have rights to your body.
      Oct 8
    • BMO ohtrbf
      Yeah absolutely agree!

      Plus even though you didn’t push him away, it’s not like you were actively and happily responding to all of his actions, initiating some yourself - because that’s how it happens when people are actually into each other.

      You were probably quiet and just didn’t stop him - but that’s not how people act when they both want it! He should’ve seen that something was wrong with it....
      Oct 8
    • BMO ohtrbf
      Btw, if you don’t mind me asking - how did it stop? Did you end up stopping it? Did he apologize right there? What happened there?..
      Oct 8
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Amazon
      Atheist

      Amazon

      BIO
      men suck
      Atheistmore
      Don't fuck with people in your workplace dude. 'Man' can grasp that, no??
      Oct 8
    • Autodesk fomo!
      Wow! Allowed? There is something called consent before the act
      Oct 8
    • Advance Auto Parts saaa
      So much wrong with YFkR72's comment
      I can't even begin
      Oct 8
  • Dropbox vpmO82
    It might count as harrasment. But calling it sexual assualt seems a bit too much. It is like someone hit you with their barehand and you want to sue him for murder.
    Oct 8 1
    • BMO ohtrbf
      Wikipedia: Sexual assault is an act in which a person intentionally sexually touches another person without that person's consent.

      Also - it is not like that. She does not want to sue the person, and did not even tell anyone about it. And she called it the way it is called.

      I’m sorry you probably got disappointed when you opened the thread because you were hoping for a juicy rape story, but sexual touching absolutely counts as an assault.
      Oct 8
  • Bloomberg <SLOW>
    Honestly, none of what you've written in this thread precludes the possibility that you desired his advances at the time. And if you did, can it be described as sexual assault?
    Oct 9 6
    • Dolby UX3ba12
      It absolutely is assault. If you haven’t been through it yourself, leave OP alone.
      Oct 9
    • Facebook hdoen
      Victim blaming lol learn to be more sympathetic. “Oh he just left his watch on the table. He must not have wanted it it’s probably fine to take it”
      Oct 9
    • Bloomberg <SLOW>
      I don't assume that you wanted it. Since you've never explicitly stated whether or not you wanted it at the time in this thread, it's an open question. If you didn't and didn't consent to his advances, then obviously it's sexual assault and you are right to call it that. But if you did, then it's not and you're misconstruing it as such. The facts are:

      - You say that you genuinely liked him
      - You say that you never refused his advances
      - You say that he also pursued your friend, inviting the possibility that you consented at the time and regretted it when you found out that you weren't the sole recipient of his affections.
      - You never state anywhere in this thread that his advances were unwanted at the time
      - You never state whether or not he explicitly asked for consent, and whether or not consent was given

      Thus it remains somewhat ambiguous, and an open question. Given your information omissions listed above, your case as presented here so far would be insufficient to legally qualify as sexual assault in a US court of law. If you made explicit statements to clarify the latter two legally binding omissions above, then you may or may not have a case.
      Oct 10
    • Amazon BigLove
      OP
      Let me be clear. I called it sexual assault because I did not want to be touched or kissed and I was. I 100% understand the definition and chose my words carefully. I gave no consent. If you want to say I got what I deserved because I like him (and still do) you can fuck right off.
      Oct 10
    • Bloomberg <SLOW>
      Now it's clear and you have a definite sexual assault case. It was somewhat ambiguous before, due to the lack of explicitly stated relevant information.
      Oct 10
  • Autodesk fomo!
    Troll post! Dont feed
    Oct 8 6
    • Advance Auto Parts saaa
      I want it to be troll post (in the sense that I don't want anyone to experience this pain), but a troll post about something like this is one of most insensitive things toward women/men who have actually been through something like this. :(
      Oct 8
    • Autodesk fomo!
      Based on how she keeps saying he did it to her friend and it happened twice, tells me this post is by a guy who doesnt get laid and wants attention
      Oct 8
    • Amazon
      Atheist

      Amazon

      BIO
      men suck
      Atheistmore
      Good point @ '":? Sad how we just assume a man can't get assaulted or harassed.
      Oct 8
    • Autodesk fomo!
      ^Since she posted on women in tech channel and she said the assaulter is a he, its safe to assume that OP is a she
      Oct 8
    • Twitter trk612x
      I think troll too.
      Oct 9
  • eBay / Other MetaMorph
    You should report him. That can stop next victim.
    Oct 8 1
  • Facebook ⭕w⭕
    Name and shame.
    Oct 8 0
  • Advance Auto Parts saaa
    He should be ashamed, NOT YOU!
    You may have your own reasons for not reporting him, but chances are that he will do it again because he got away without anyone consequences.

    Me and a million others would suggest that you report it, but if you decide against it - just make sure that the SOB knows how big of a favor you're doing him by not reporting and that he should be eternally grateful, forever in your debt.
    Oct 8 2
    • Amazon BigLove
      OP
      I know but if he really did just make a mistake I don’t want to ruin his life. I’ve never imagined he could do something like this.
      Oct 8
    • Advance Auto Parts saaa
      @biglove dm me if you want to talk. Been in a similar situation in the past. I promise not to provide unsolicited advice.
      Oct 8
  • Amazon
    Atheist

    Amazon

    BIO
    men suck
    Atheistmore
    I'm truly sorry you went through something so traumatizing. I think if you go through your own healing process you'll get to where you would not want someone else to be a victim.

    This is a crime and someone should not just get away with it. He SHOULD lose his job. And if I was married to someone like that, I would absolutely want to know. Even more so if he had kids.

    So don't say you won't report it for his job or his family, you're doing everyone a disservice. You're not reporting it because you're scared and probably have PTSD. Which is totally understandable.

    I've been where you are, so I totally get it. One of my life's biggest regrets is letting the person in my case get away with it. Don't be me.
    Oct 8 9
    • Amazon BigLove
      OP
      Two different guys. 15 years apart.
      Oct 8
    • Amazon
      Atheist

      Amazon

      BIO
      men suck
      Atheistmore
      He did the same thing to your friend? So clearly his apologies are meaningless and he's never going to stop. I hope you grasp this if you really don't want to report him.
      If it wasn't outright rape and won't go to jail, then if he was truly sorry he would understand you reporting it, and go get himself some help. I hope this dude is not married.

      Are you in the U.S.? I know we take these things a little more seriously that some other cultures that tend to just put the blame/responsibility on women.
      Oct 8
    • Amazon BigLove
      OP
      Different guy. I’m in the US
      Oct 8
    • Amazon
      Atheist

      Amazon

      BIO
      men suck
      Atheistmore
      Ok well that's somewhat relieving! Most of my point still stands. Being actually sorry means taking responsibility. Period.

      Otherwise is just empty BS
      Oct 8
    • Adobe / Data
      CSpc08

      Adobe Data

      PRE
      Adobe
      CSpc08more
      It's not your fault.. such people just make it seem like they're really good people so that even if something happens you'll blame yourself... Again IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!! I'm glad that you're going to therapy and doing everything they say... You're a really nice person and you will get through this... Best wishes and lots of hugs!!
      Oct 8
  • LinkedIn Akahotpot
    Sincerely sry to hear that. And don't take other peoples order cause they are not in this fight
    Oct 8 1
    • Advance Auto Parts saaa
      Love this comment
      Oct 8
  • LinkedIn / Eng phatman
    Report it he'll do it to others if he gets away with it.
    Oct 8 0
  • Amazon real_bezos
    Many people have responded. And your reasoning is you don’t want to hurt him because he is a nice guy. Like I said in previous comments, if you don’t want to come out then why did you post it here?

    The best advice I will give you is, do whatever advice you would give your daughter if she goes through this. Would you tell your daughter to be quiet because the person she was assaulted by did it by mistake and is a nice person?
    Oct 11 6
    • Cadence / Eng
      pretzle

      Cadence Eng

      PRE
      Intel Corporation
      pretzlemore
      I am suspecting she is still digesting whatever has happened and her emotional state is all messed up. she isn't thinking objectively.

      I already adviced her and so are a million people here. I guess we need to let her take time and the act accordingly
      Oct 11
    • Amazon FucKnuckle
      I would expect my daughter to do whatever it is that gives her peace. Whatever another person does or doesn’t do isn’t your responsibility. Save yourself.
      Oct 11
    • Amazon FucKnuckle
      Also OP already stated that she made up her mind and is not reporting and posted here because she wanted to tell someone what happened. Why is that not enough. She’s not here to be judged by people who are not in her situation.
      Oct 11
    • Amazon real_bezos
      Don’t get me wrong. I am just trying to help OP and that was a genuine question. Plus if you haven’t read, I already posted a comment saying that OP should do what is best for her. After reading many of her other comments, I thought she should get different perspectives. After all, folks on blind try to share different ways to solve a problem. So don’t show hatred.
      Oct 11
    • Amazon FucKnuckle
      There isn’t a problem to be solved here. OP said they just needed to tell someone. Sometimes it’s just good to listen and support.
      Oct 12
  • Amazon real_bezos
    For crying out loud, report that manager. At least make it a better environment for others. Coming out is tough, but do it. Be that role model for others. If you don’t want to do it, then everyone will understand why.
    Oct 8 3
    • Amazon BigLove
      OP
      I know I’m not being logical right now. But I believe his sincerity. And if this was one mistake I feel ruining his life is extreme.
      Oct 8
    • Amazon real_bezos
      It’s not just about your boss. It’s more about the environment that let it happen. The company has an equal blame as much as the manager does. At least the company, from now on, will take care of its employees. And this would also set an example for others in future to not do such a mistake, not only your boss.
      Oct 8
    • Amazon BigLove
      OP
      He’s not my current boss. We are on different teams now.
      Oct 8
  • MongoDB / Eng as jfkwna
    Can we get some more details? Everyone here is baying for blood but you honestly make it seem like he's a dummy who misinterpreted a signal and immediately apologized thereafter.

    Dumb as rocks considering their married and you work together regardless.
    Oct 8 2
    • Amazon BigLove
      OP
      That’s the stuff I want to believe. It was a mistake. Maybe things are tough at home and he saw a sign that I would be ok with it. But I’m not in a position to be logical yet. He might be a predator. I don’t know. I just should have stopped him. But I let him kiss and touch me.
      Oct 8
    • Flowcast lulll
      Not your fault, don’t blame yourself. People in positions of power know the nature of relationships and how vulnerable their underlings are. He’s preying on people like you who look up to him.
      Oct 8
  • Dolby UX3ba12
    Hi OP. I know there’s a lot of shaming and pressure to make certain choices in this thread, but as a victim myself, you need to know you’re not alone. The guilt of I was drunk, I don’t remember, maybe I did say yes, maybe I led him on, why didn’t I say no, etc. racked me for a long time. It’s been a few years and it sometimes pops up in the back of my mind. But it is NOT YOUR FAULT. You have to keep telling yourself that until you believe it. Whatever decision you decide to make about taking action or not, it’s your choice alone. Focus on taking care of yourself first and everything else will come with time. Sending love.
    Oct 9 0
  • New / Eng iDhF64
    I don’t want to be a devils advocate or defend rapists, but it sounds like he misinterpreted signals and apologised afterwards after realising it’s inappropriate for a manager to liaison with his subordinates in that way.

    I don’t really believe that one can accuse someone of sexual assault when consent has effectively been given during the act by “letting him kiss you”. As far as I know the legal definition of sexual assault requires the assailant to continue to engage despite clear signs of non-consent and them knowingly not caring.

    I’m not discounting the pain you are feeling from the discomfort caused by your boss, but I think if one is to accuse another person of a heinous crime like sexual assault there needs to be a fair assessment from both sides.
    Oct 8 0

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