Shaadi.com and arranged marriages can go to hell......

Google futgug
May 8 108 Comments

Guy. 26.
TC 255k.
So, talking to a few girls for marriage. Yes arranged.
So parents get to know each other first. Like on the phone. Then I usually text the girl and arrange a video call or meet in person if she's in the US.

My first question is - "what are you looking for in your partner?". 95% of the responses I get are childish. I want someone who is well settled, well groomed, should earn at least 30 lac per annum and the likes.
What I'm looking for is - my ambitions are such and such. I want a partner with similar goals or supportive of my goals so we support each other and achieve them.

Is this too much to ask? I've rejected about 16 girls. My parents say I'm too picky and pressurize me.
Am I wrong? Do such girls even exist? I'm not an atm. I'll grow old and look ugly eventually. Why is everyone so superficial?

Folks with arranged marriage, please pitch in.

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TOP 108 Comments
  • Amazon Hope*
    sounds like we are on the same boat. I was planning to post something in similar lines. I talked to around 10 guys. I didn’t feel like saying yes to any one of them. I am an Indian. Even my family does the same thing..talking to the guys parents and then sharing our contact numbers...then a voice call...and then if things sounds good...meeting the guy or a video call. All this process sucks. I hope, Indian parents come out of this arranged marriage concepts
    May 813
    • eBay pumpu
      Pls don't get married unless you really like that person and ready to get into commitment. I got married recently and was good for few months but then started to get boring and wanted a change which sadly won't happen. I miss all those bachelor days doing all the fun stuff.
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      @ebay lol dude. What kind of change?
      May 8
    • eBay pumpu
      You know.. the kinda change most of the married ppl wish to happen 😬
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Lol. Come on FB, this calls in for a meme.
      May 8
    • eBay pumpu
      I'm so used to changes in life on all aspects so finding it hard to cope up with this married life thing.
      May 8
    • Amazon Hope*
      I would have given you if you are not younger than me. Unlike me, you have plenty of time. You are just 26. Don’t worry. Have some patience and hope. Good luck.
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Come on hope. Age is just a number.

      Look at Priyanka and Nick.
      May 8
    • eBay pumpu
      Yeah Sachin Tendulkar's wife is 5yrs elder than him.
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Thanks eBay. You're a good wingman.
      May 8
    • Verizon Media sxSG85
      I have a question for OP and amazon Hope*:
      You both mention your parents talk first to the prospective boy/girl’ parents and then exchange numbers. Is that always true? If not do you find the difference between girls/boys you chose to meet yourself? Just curious if your parents filtering criteria is what messing it up for both of you.
      May 9
  • Verizon Media sxSG85
    Boy oh boy you’re in for a ride.
    May 85
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Share your experience. I've almost given up.
      May 8
    • Databricks / Data
      data4u

      DatabricksData

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      data4umore
      Ur 26 cry me a river
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      @Databricks please answer or GTFO.
      May 8
    • Databricks / Data
      data4u

      DatabricksData

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      data4umore
      See my post below
      May 8
    • Verizon Media sxSG85
      Keep all the avenues open. matrimonial websites, tinder, bumble, going to you interest meetups bars what have you.
      That is more for keeping you sane. You’re 26 so you have a long runway not that I judge others for marrying whenever they want or not at all.
      I hope you’re not restricted by caste and stuff. If you are then good luck mate.
      May 8
  • Facebook ⭕w⭕
    "I'll grow old and look ugly eventually."

    You're already there for one of these, the other one is for your next birthday.
    May 83
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Ah.. I forgot all my personal data is backed up at Cambridge analytica.

      I'll be mindful of fb folks.
      May 8
    • Facebook ⭕w⭕
      Not sure what's older, that joke or you.
      May 8
    • Facebook uPNE71
      Not bad tbh 😂
      May 8
  • Databricks / Data
    data4u

    DatabricksData

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    data4umore
    I bet op thinks all the girls on Shaadi look like big pieces of Laddu while he himself looks like a Laddu
    May 83
    • Google futgug
      OP
      @Databricks read my post again. You're just giving non sensical replies.
      May 8
    • Databricks / Data
      data4u

      DatabricksData

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      data4umore
      Okay Laddu boy
      May 8
    • Groupon popcorn85
      Stop data
      May 8
  • Amazon / Admin❤Ilotr
    You are expecting to find self determining individuals in a platform meant for exactly the opposite demographic.
    Why are you surprised?

    If you know what you want, try hunting in locations where you are likely to find your target population.
    May 87
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Like where?
      May 8
    • New / Eng
      10yoe250kt

      NewEng

      PRE
      Google
      10yoe250ktmore
      Not Indian here, but you sound like you don't actually want to marry.
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      @new what makes you say that?
      May 8
    • Amazon / Admin❤Ilotr
      Depends on your specific expectations. What do you most desire in your partner?
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Compatibility.
      May 8
    • Amazon / Admin❤Ilotr
      That's very broad.

      Physical compatibility: good fit of parts, energy, desire etc.
      Emotional compatibility:needy vs provider, both independent,...etc
      Financial compatibility: supplemental income for combined goals, goals may diverge (fancy car vs kids vs great house)
      Mental: sense of humor, tastes in art and other aesthetic, political views etc...

      You sure you have given this the detailed thought it deserves?
      So far it seems that your instincts are declaring incompatibility, but it would probably serve you well to break this down and write down your thoughts. It will help you delineate and rank these attributes.
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Thanks Amazon. That helps.

      Mostly looking for mental and emotional compatibility.
      May 8
  • Google OOWP33
    As a 26-year old girl, I'd probably say there are plenty of such girls. However, meeting or recognizing one on shaadi.com is nearly impossible.

    Think about it from the perspective shaadi.com girls - it is a tricky situation. Telling the prospective groom that she has ambitions of her own can be a deal-breaker for a lot of guys and their families. The girl comes up with a canned response that she thinks you want to hear. Something like an interview response to "What are your weaknesses?".. "I am too much of a perfectionist".... It is a no-win situation really...
    May 85
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Can I get your number? Or a date at Charlie's or Masa?
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Or maybe be my wingwoman? Or introduce me to some of your friends?
      May 8
    • Symantec norton
      OOWP33: You just wrote the exact thing on my mind.
      May 8
    • Google OOWP33
      @futgug, hahahah! You ask for my number when you could have asked for my LDAP. ;)
      I'm in NYC, so that's that
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      My bad. Can I get your ldap? 😜

      Open to relocation. 😎
      May 8
  • Facebook bunnyloll
    Marriage is not an interview where you look for answers you wanna hear.
    May 84
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Sometimes hearing fb people reply, makes me wonder if cramming leetcode bad is for mental health.

      Maybe fb should change it's interview process.
      May 8
    • Facebook bunnyloll
      May be you should focus more on your arrange marriage interview skills than poking your nose into fb interview process.
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Lol fb. Go fix a security issue. I bet there are plenty.
      May 8
    • Facebook bunnyloll
      Comes from a googler. Irony!!!
      May 8
  • eBay billBarr
    SelectTheGirl = girl === hot;)
    May 83
    • Facebook ⭕w⭕
      This is worse than the code snippets that tech recruiters write to try and hire engineers, hope you're not a SWE.
      May 8
    • eBay pumpu
      Execute and watch it covering all the edge cases. Most efficient solution in life
      May 8
    • Amazon PeterPIPer
      My man is from ebay cut him some slack.
      May 8
  • Amazon / EngKHCr70
    Aren't arranged marriages basically catered to people who want superficial things?

    That's probably also why all the women you meet give the same answer. They're telling you what they expect you want to hear.

    Same reason they wear makeup when they meet you.
    May 89
    • Google futgug
      OP
      It's usually for people busy with their careers or say too late in the dating game due to various reasons.
      May 8
    • Databricks / Data
      data4u

      DatabricksData

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      data4umore
      You know dating and career can be mutually exclusive. Don’t be mad cause can’t handle rejection
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Lol. Databricks, I know.

      Time is not. Please GTFO.
      May 8
    • Databricks / Data
      data4u

      DatabricksData

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      data4umore
      Dude I care about you. I’ve known to many Indian bros in ur situation, the ones that were successful were the ones that made a effort to be better in that part of there life.
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      @Databricks all your replies are vague.

      I'm not sure what you're trying to say.
      May 8
    • Amazon / EngKHCr70
      Regardless of reason, the effect is that it caters to people who will judge you and expect to be judged based on 1 meeting. Hence you get what they think you want.

      If you want someone who has career ambitions put it on your profile. Dont expect them to just figure it out. Sure people will lie, but that's part of the deal
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      I kind of like to throw that question as a surprise.

      It's up to the girl to make it clear that she's dead serious about her career and won't compromise.
      That's all I'm looking for.
      May 8
    • Amazon / EngKHCr70
      But that's not what you'll get. Most women wont tell you even if it's true. They're going to answer the way that they think is most likely to get a positive response. And I'm guessing that culturally, that is not the norm . Hence that stock replies that you get.
      May 8
    • Intel eKPG80
      Even Jeff Bezos found a new girlfriend and he's known to be a workaholic. I'm sure you have enough time to find a date. Now, that time is not the issue, being able to find a date is another question.
      May 8
  • Microsoft desirnaz
    First I’m not sure why you’re so worked up about this; finding a compatible mate can be a crap shoot in any form of matchmaking Indian or otherwise. These things take time! And some compromise. And some readjustments of both your expectations and your assumptions about the other person.

    Second: shaadi.com and people opting for arranged marriages are likely to be highly biased samples. The ambitious and particular are not going to participate in this kind of process, so you will get mostly the conservative or the notparticular folks—to them, getting a partner is like buying toilet paper, in that if it’s super soft and double ply (TC and “settled in America”, or maybe some fancy college degree, or pretty or fair or thin), that is really all that matters, and there’s not much to distinguish one brand from the other. You’re looking in the wrong place.

    Third, and this is where things get a bit confusing: you may turn out to be wrong about judging them by their superficial answers to your superficial questions. I too thought for a long long time that someone who matched my ambition and drive would be the ideal match for me. Now I’m happily married to someone with no (conventional) ambitions whatsoever other than to live a good, kind life, support each other, and experience and grow through life together. My point is, there are too many things that make a relationship work (or not work!), and resume/checklist matching will cover too few of those things. They are either to be sensed through multiple interactions over time, or discovered after committing when it’s too late either way :p
    May 94
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Support your claims by data points or facts Microsoft.

      None of what you claim makes sense to me.
      May 9
    • Microsoft desirnaz
      Ok dude. Good luck.
      May 9
    • Amazon / EngKHCr70
      Fantastic reply Microsoft
      +1
      May 9
    • Databricks / Data
      data4u

      DatabricksData

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      data4umore
      See op is thick skulled
      May 9
  • Nvidia / Engcartman
    I have seen lots of couples, young, old, separated, dejected and what I realized that love and marriage is for not everyone.
    First understand what is love. It has 2 sides (one who loves and one who is being loved). Love is what makes someone to do things without any expectation. Being loved is just a feeling when someone does things without showing any expectation. To love someone requires ability to sacrifice.
    Marriage is just a commitment.
    The question is do you have an ability to love someone? Are you capable of doing commitment and do whatever it takes to fulfill that? Remember that marriage and love is not for you be happy but it is for making others happy. You dont need anyone else to make yourself happy.

    Being self-centered is a western way. In a western template of life, what matters is self's happiness, so, with slight discomfort, marriages end up in divorce, families tear apart.

    Unfortunately, Indians have started following the west way, which concerns me.
    May 80
  • Google atdk
    Guy, 27
    Getting married in 2 months (arranged)

    I had very similar restrictions. Met my fiance after saying no to 5.

    Even though these restrictions sound superficial and bad , I think it's okay. These serve as good proxies to ensure there is not too much intellectual assymmetry in the couple.

    To me TC and education background were the objective filters and then I would talk to people and decide on other subjective things.
    May 81
    • Google atdk
      It can get frustrating. Just be patient and have reasonable expectations. Things will work out
      May 8
  • Amazon xinchuan
    I think the qualities that you are looking for are not that difficult to find. I don’t think you are too picky. You are either matching with wrong people based on some other criteria I don’t know about or you have had a really long string of coincidental bad luck.
    May 81
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Thanks. Finally a response to my question.
      May 8
  • Uber realDara
    Take control of the matrimonial sites you're profile is on. Shortlist potential profiles according to what you like in a girl. Initiate the conversation as if the parent is talking, then involve your parents.
    NYC has a much better ratio if you want to date, maybe go there for a year or two. I've heard that people aren't very frank in the arrange marriage scenario, but if you talk to good candidates for a few months, then it gets difficult to pretend.
    Keep an eye out for gold diggers, if you are getting too many questions about your TC, bank balance, etc, run away.
    I've known people to find someone after 2-3 years of looking and some people are lucky to find within a few months. It's a tedious process but it's your life you re deciding about.
    May 80
  • Cloudflare / Engmyimouto
    you want someone who earns at least 3.3 million usd/year?
    May 87
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Read my post again. Not sure what you mean.
      May 8
    • Cloudflare / Engmyimouto
      that's 30 lac I think
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      I meant girls usually give that reply. I mean in rupees.
      May 8
    • Facebook / Engkjdthcj
      I just looked it up. That's 43k USD?
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Yo

      Decent TC in India.
      May 8
    • Facebook / Engkjdthcj
      Do you plan to move back to India after getting married or stay in the US?
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Don't know.

      Mostly move back. But not for 5-7 years.
      May 8
  • Databricks / Data
    data4u

    DatabricksData

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    data4umore
    Why arranged marriage? You can support urself .
    May 83
    • Databricks / Data
      data4u

      DatabricksData

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      data4umore
      Why u don’t answer this question @op?
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      I didn't get the question at all. Your logic is beyond my understanding Databricks.
      May 8
    • Groupon popcorn85
      I understood his question yesterday
      May 8
  • Expedia anony🐭
    Dude, what's the hurry? You also mention losing patience. Idk... Best bet is to find someone from college, work or friend's circle. You clearly missed college days. I hope you have friends and a social life. If you're settling for a matrimonial service, you need to make up your mind to make good with what you get. Just look for someone with open mind and non-conventional mindset. You can kinda tell if they're decent humans after a few interactions. "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" is a job interview question. Don't do that! Maybe chat about what their hobbies are, favorite movies, food, passions etc...
    May 82
    • Expedia anony🐭
      But yeah "at least 30 lacs per annum" types are questionable. Too materialistic. Look for someone with a good sense of humor, have some basic skills to be employed and are easy to talk to (and of course, basics like good health, good family, comparable looks etc). Nothing else matters.
      May 8
    • Expedia anony🐭
      As far as looks is concerned, don't expect princess Leia when you look like Jabba. Like you mentioned, looks won't matter after a while. Ask Trump.
      May 8
  • Google cEMj22
    26 is still young to make a call. Talk to all kind of girls for at least a year. Don't involve parents too much if they are pushing. When the right one comes it will help you appreciate her qualities.
    May 81
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Trying. Losing my patience.
      May 8
  • New May4th
    I think you're Gay.. come out and get a partner who mirrors you
    May 81
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Oh man.

      Maybe I'm bi
      May 8
  • Intel eKPG80
    What is this backward 15th C culture lmfao. seriously? this thing exists in 2019?
    May 80
  • Expedia Hmmmm!
    I donno whether you are asking for a lot or not as I haven’t gone in that route. All I can say is you have a lot of time to pick a girl.. don’t rush and settle for something because of your parents pressure. There is no guarantee that things will work out the way you want even if you find an exact girl you are looking for but at least you will have the satisfaction that you picked the girl you want. If you did go with some girl because of your parents pressure you will always have that behind your head and will bug you. May be after a few years when your options are becoming slim you will end up compromising on what you want. I heard this happens a lot so that is a possibility as well.
    May 80
  • Commvault / ITfarPtr
    Bhai girlfriend bana le gar itna sab dekhna hai toh😁😁
    May 84
    • Discover Financial Services qwerty-/:
      Kaha milegi woh bhi batade
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Bhai girlfriend bana ni hai toh 21-22 saal main banao.

      Sab ladkiyan mere batch ki shaadi shuda hai ab.

      Ex- girlfriend ke 2 bacche hai ab. Twins.
      May 8
    • Commvault / ITfarPtr
      toh itna sab chodd..thodi sensible ho wo sab dekh le..jo bhi tune likha hai unn ladkio ko koi na koi pata hi leta hai😁😁
      May 8
    • Veritas hsiwbvc
      Fudhu fudhi panchod saala kuthaaaaa
      May 8
  • Discover Financial Services qwerty-/:
    Tell your parents that you will meet/talk only those girls with qualities x, y,z etc. and ask them not to bother you otherwise. Also be reasonable about what qualities you want from the girl.

    In parallel you can keep exploring yourself.
    May 83
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Yup. Should have ambition/goals.
      Could be any career.
      May 8
    • Discover Financial Services qwerty-/:
      I believe if a girl is career oriented, she is not likely to talk about money as she will be independent herself.
      Hope you find such girl :)
      May 8
    • Google futgug
      OP
      Thanks.
      May 8
  • Databricks / Data
    data4u

    DatabricksData

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    data4umore
    I give up , he apparently can’t understand half the questions in here. No wonder he is sucking at arranged marriage dates lol.
    May 81
  • Dell LUHV04
    It’s hard man.

    Girls get told on speaking a certain way.
    Answers are pre prepared and given

    Girl is under pressure from family.

    Family only cares about making sure the girl will be financially taken care off.

    Family wants the girl to be married to a very high status groom , so they can brag about it.

    Family gets a chance to come to amrika
    May 90
  • Intel falalalala
    I created an arranged marriage profile with my family. And extended family. Biggest. Mistake. Ever.
    Just like you, I only liked a couple of guys out of 100s and my family has been pretty supportive but my extended family wants me to find someone from the same religion, caste, subcaste, and everything else. I wouldn't mind that if I was attracted to them. But I'm just not and can't marry someone just because family approves. I still do what I want, but constantly hearing negative feedback from anyone is kinda discouraging. So I decided to move sites. Told them work's hectic and taking a break. Created a profile for self on another matrimonial site and on a dating app. I'm still picky, but there's no family filter before I accept people which is great! I think this is working out great for me! Good luck with all of this :)
    May 90
  • Facebook public2
    If you don't want arranged married why do it?
    May 80
  • Bloomberg iVX372
    @OP I also strongly prefer smart and ambitious women who are capable of challenging my ideas about any subject (having dated two of them), and am not Indian. There are plenty of Indian and non-Indian women with ambition in the Bay and NYC. You just need to meet them.

    As someone else said, state in your profile that you are seeking someone with ambition. Although if you do this, you may still end up with someone who dishonestly tells you what you want to hear.
    May 80

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