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Hi team blind, I hate my life rn. Every aspect of it I look at is broken and needs work on, I thought that by now in my life I'd have more things accomplished but I feel I'm way behind on my expectations. I'm not greedy or anything but I do have my ambitions, although it seems everything I try to get going for me just doesn't work out and I am so tired of this. Today I feel like I hit a new low when I had my first suicidal thought. And to be clear, I am not thinking about taking my life now or tomorrow or anytime soon, I just thought about how doing that would put an end to all of this shit I have been fighting through and never seeming to get to the end of it. I guess nowadays with all the sh!t that is going on all of us are battling with something but ever since I left my 4y employer (large IT company) last year after being incredibly burned out and defeated, I was hired onto a very small company with high promises of being able to work more on Software Development which I'm pursuing my bachelor's in versus Project Management which is what I have my experience on - but it turned out to be a bust; I had a glorified title but in the end I was a stupid fvcking salesman having to suck up to stakeholders which is what I hated doing at IBM for 60, 70 hours for years. Then this pandemic wreaks havoc in the world and the company let go of 70% of their staff. I thought "you know what, maybe this is just what I needed to ramp up my studies and get my life in order" and I've been trying hard, I really have but this depression feels like 1000 lbs weighting me down and I'm just so sick of it. I can't sleep at night, keep thinking of all the things I need to do tomorrow to get closer to my goals but it's so hard to wake up and get out of bed. It's a snowball that is spiraling out of control and I really don't know what to do to make it stop. I applied to so many jobs already I got ONE interview for a SWE internship which I thought it was just awesome, but of course I didn't get it. I sent my resume to these resume writers (some as part of school and some outside) and their opinions are so different from the same file I just don't even know who or what to believe anymore. I reached out to these career professionals but so far they've all been unhelpful, or cost a fortune that at this time I can't spend. One good thing is that I found this one person I am considering asking to mentor me but every time I try to write a introductory message on LinkedIn to him it just sounds like I'm a fvcking mess, like I'm broken beyond repair and this frustrates me because all I want is a stupid fvcking chance to succeed you know? These two past employers I had unfortunately drained me out so much I am now apprehensive of joining a bad team because if I do, I'll lose my mind, but I can only hope I will find that one right team to be part of where I can just kick a$$ at my job and feel accomplished and start my personal healing while I perform well at work. I used to be a top performer on my team at IBM for the first 2 years and now I feel I underperforming in every aspect of my life and this just saddens me. I keep having these spurs of energy at 1, 2am where I hope for a better day tomorrow but I start my day with little to no energy and just try to get my studies in as much as I can, even though I know I want and I need to be studying and covering more ground faster than what I am now. Anyway, I just wanted to vent this out - I felt really bad for having that thought, it felt like a new low and I don't want this feeling anymore. I want to go back to being a motivated person I've always been, finish writing my book, continue to compose my songs, do work I truly enjoy and just finally say "I'm happy". Never thought it was this hard to be happy. Insurance doesn't cover psychology, career coaches are either out of reach or too generic to be of any help, I just don't know where to look, I've been trying but maybe I'm missing something? I just want to know what! I just hope someone who reads this maybe has something nice to say, or if you've been through this before, what helped you get out of this sticky mud? The more I worry the more tiring and overwhelming it gets and when I try to forget for a moment I feel guilty for letting my life slip away one unproductive day at a time.. TLDR: I feel lost AF and not sure what to do with my life, but I do want to get better. That's it, pathetic I know but I recognize I need help, I just don't know where to find the right help for me.
Hey man, sorry to hear that you are going through some serious shit. Looks to me that you need a change in scenary. Get out of your usual routine and take some time to cool off. Sometimes you just have to go through hard times with belief that they are going to end soon.
Thanks buddy, I appreciate it.
You are a fighter. Get back on your feet and keep fighting. What you do when your back is against the wall defines you! All the best brother. Stay strong! 🙂
That’s true, thanks for the motivational speech, I hope this all ends soon.
Yeeep, I'm in the same boat as you. Haven't really figured it out yet myself. I'm kind of just hoping to weather the storm for as long as I can but God damn it's hard. I think for some of us we're just unlucky in how we started our career and it's hard for others to empathise with that if they've just landed into good, career-building roles early on. Our career trajectory can appear as incompetence, but really it's just being unlucky. Hope things work out for you and me in the future.
This is so true. I am surrounded by people who always knew what they wanted to do, or have been working amazing jobs and I keep thinking how is that I had to be the one who worked his ass off but didn’t get anywhere? I was going to say that working at Microsoft is already a victory on its on (mostly because I admire this company too much) but when friends and family heard I worked at IBM they said the same things I’d probably tell you but knowing what I had to deal with in there, I certainly feel your pain. Do you think what you feel is mostly because you’re in a team/org/industry you don’t fit in? How do you find your small victories everyday to keep your head above water?
Mmm yeah i understand objectively I'm very lucky to have landed a role at microsoft but on a day to day basis I'm doing work I hate. I'm pretty sure I like software development but I want to work on products that I'd be a customer of instead of building tooling and sdks which I would never use. Currently it's gotten marginally better for me because I feel like I'm actually learning something for the first time since university for my current project but I think it's important to keep grinding LC and looking up system design docs so that I'm ready to interview once roles open up again in a few months.
This is temporary. It will pass. Allow yourself time and space to breathe. If you can afford it then I would suggest leaving your job, taking time to figure out who you are again, and then going back out to work. During your down time, try and volunteer to the local homeless shelter or old people’s home. Do things for others as that will take you out of your head for a little while. Exercise. Daily. That will help increase your endorphins. Donate some of your services for free - ie, give back mentoring advice to others. There will be someone else in the same / worse boat as you. I was like this at the start of the year and chose to leave my job and heal. I’m almost back to “normal” (whatever normal means these days). This is through applying self love and reflection. It’s a very tricky place, where you are now. However, it IS temporary. And it will get better Stay strong, friend.
Thank you. Yes, my last employer felt the wrath of the coronavirus when major clients with operations in Asia pulled their contracts out. It’s a small company and that fucked them hard, I was let go late February so I’ve been engaged in this self discovery journey for some time now, but idk.. I find joy in working in something fulfilling more than being a wondered of the mind, besides, tackling a software development bachelors degree with no prior coding experience is challenging to say the least, so that’s been the bulk of my focused energy. I work out daily, from home with my improvised post coronavirus gym and I’ve been doing fine with that, it’s just the unsettling lack of any feeling that drags me to the floor sometimes.. But I appreciate your kind words!
Hey OP! I feel this and many of my friends too. You are not alone. Talk to your family or friends and stay positive. This too shall pass. It is just a phase of life everyone goes through at some point. Also you are very clear on your problems, you know what you want in life. That is half the battle ! Wishing you the best!
Thank you!!
Sounds like you’re dealing with identity which is a common issue among all humans. The problem is that we take our career or something we do and equate that to who we are. Combine that with a misunderstanding of what your purpose is, you’ll find yourself wanting to end your life because things aren’t panning our too well. I believe that a misunderstanding of life in general ought to lead someone to killing themselves because if this is a purposeless universe of time and chance acting on matter then why willingly suffer the hardships of life? After all, killing yourself will relieve you of all this and, in death, you won’t have think of it again. No consequence. Because of this, the only logical step for all humans is suicide. However, I don’t think this universe is purposeless. I believe there’s a God who created it and all things inside. Your purpose is to serve Him and enter into a relationship with Him through Jesus. There’s your purpose. He created you in His image. There’s your identity. Of course, none of this is going to turn your immediate situation around but I hope this gives your proper perspective. Dealing with a job that you don’t enjoy sucks immensely! But it’s not your permanent lot. I hope you can find something more fulfilling but I hope all the more that you find your identity and purpose in Jesus. Would love to talk more if you’re interested. It hurts me to see people struggle in this way.
That all very good until Jesus... why Jesus... I guess why not Jesus? But it’s so hard to buy that when if you came from say India or Saudi Arabia, there’d be a different messenger... does that mean it’s wrong ?
Messengers must all be tested for accuracy and truth of which there is only one truth and one true messenger. I don’t wish to debate religion on this platform (or any platform for that matter) so if you want to get down to it, let’s talk offline. But I’ll leave you with this: the Bible has the most manuscripts of any other ancient document (almost 6000) with some dating back to the first century—that is, within 100 years of Jesus’ death. They exist today in various libraries and institutions across the world both old and New Testament. Jesus was prophesied about hundreds of years prior to his coming. He claimed to be God in the flesh. His death was public and so was his resurrection. Most other “messengers” have private revelations in a vacuum from some deity. The Bible and it’s messengers were all public and coincide with historical facts as far as rulers, kings, nations, time periods etc. Would love to continue to discuss with you offline if you’re interested. Just a warning: any rebuttals on this app will not be responded to.
If you feel like talking to someone IRL I can be your friend. DM me 💚
Thank you, truly! I DMd you.
Same here 🥳
You can work through this. There’s tons of great books out there to get a clearer mindset in life & work, and I highly recommend the getAbstract app for summaries (text and audio) of all these great books. They helped me get through the Sunday scaries this week. Try switching up your physical routine as well. A quick walk outside can do wonders. Lastly & overall, be kind to yourself and pray for your healing, because you cannot do this alone.
That’s cool, I’ll check the book out. A walk outside or a moment to reflect on the day might be much helpful. Thank you! Update: downloaded the getAbstract app, sounds pretty interesting :)
You are awesome. You write so well. You figured out what you want in life. Again you are so awesome.
I agree! Such a brilliantly articulated write up! OP is awesome indeed 😊
You are so kind, thank you!