A tough family member
My sister rushed into marrying my current brother in law in this weird arranged marriage (she barely knew him for two months, flew from abroad to India to see him for the first time and married him a few months later. She is a permanent resident and eventually got him abroad as well!!!).When I spoke to him for the first time the immediate impression I got was - he is highly unexposed. She didn't heed my opinion and married him anyway. Shy of one year to the marriage, we learnt he hid a medical issue from all of us, my sister was super shattered. I (older sister) yelled at him, lot of drama and eventually we had no choice but to forgive him and accept him. I don't have a lot of respect for him, he has lost my trust and my family members. Whenever I try to have a conversation with him, his ego flares up so much and he acts like a douchebag; he has a serious problem to admitting that he is unaware and could use help. He is currently unemployed, my sister is supporting him. I also guess my sister is regretting her decision, but isn't totally comfortable to admit since she chose this life. They are planning to visit me in the US (the guy is visiting US, thanks to my sister) and I am nervous how I am going to act and avoid awkward conversations. I love my sister to bits, but this BIL isn't in my good books yet. How to handle a weirdo family member?
they are probably on a short visit so take it easy...just fulfill ur responsibilities and go to work/somewhere else...like everything this time will also go...
True that. The issue is; he volunteers me into debates and it always ends in a huge argument; I don't want to.
Whenever that happens, politely excuse urself with random reason....office calls, personal calls, cleaning the house, headache, etc.
Does your sister know how you feel about this guy. If not she should. Let him stay his arse at home.
I have hinted; I don't want to tell her I hate her husband.
Good luck with that
So you said, you lost all respect and whatever. There is already a buildup of tension. The thing is, when you don’t respect someone or consider them weirdo/(or whatever demeaning trait)so strongly (regardless they deserve or not), shows up in your body language and they can sense it. Now, no one likes to be treated that way, and obvious way is to defense mechanisms to kick in. Same goes other way round, his dislike for you probably shows up and your defense mechanisms triggers making him dislike even more. My advice, stay blind and out of their personal business... talk about weather and shit, nothing serious like politics or whatever. Break the cycle for the sake of staying connected to you sis. Also, wondering what did you mean by your first impression of being unexposed. I didn’t get that. An example would be nice.
Thanks for showing a different perspective. I have only met him in the wedding; rest of the interactions have been on FaceTime. I don't respect him since he lied about his health issue and got married; he has his own way of justifying his behavior which makes no sense to me. I agree, I try to keep the conversation light and just let it go. He is highly egoistic as well; the way the whole marriage turned out makes me think he got a great deal but my sister low balled and could have done better. Unexposed example-1. he makes fun of my sister's slight weight gain and thinks he is funny by telling it to all the family member's. 2. He has never left his town, while our family has travelled a lot. Both me and sister are very independent and working in foreign countries. The general mindset of someone who is like a frog in the well. 3. There was one time, they were on a kayak and the tour guide was asking everyone to quietly listen to a particular bird sing. He apparently started loudly singing some song and embarrassing my sister.
Yeah, he definitely seems like a weirdo. It’s a difficult position to be in, and I think if I were in that position I would refrain from trying to have a conversation on this topic at all or hint anything. I’m sure she noticed his weirdness, and since he is her husband who she chose — if you try to say he is so really bad, I can see her taking it as a critique on her than him — and to defend her judgement she may justify it or whatever. I would suggest, be available to her so that she come to you for advice more openly — but don’t initiate or try to drive things yourself. There is a possibility that your sister may have low self esteem issue, which can only get worse with time (Assuming she chose him so quickly, and puts up with his BS). If you think I’m right here, be supportive and encouraging to her — like join gym with her (which actually is great way to boost self-esteem — from my experience). Basically, rather than trying to fix or criticize the guy, make your sister even more awesome person —- which may actually make her see that she “does deserve” better.
Ask your sister to divorce him & the sooner the better before any kids
Hmmmm don't know. It's her decision; I can't ask her to do anything. I have hinted her several times she rushed and when the whole health thing popped up, I almost asked her to leave him.
Don't hint. Tell! 😂 sometimes people just need assurance to do it. As the older sister it's your duty. Tell her and it's her choice to decide what to do.
This is your chance to off him without the cost of an international flight. Good luck.
Have them stay in a hotel and not at your place. Talking about medical issues isn’t always easy. It’s not his fault your sister wanted to marry him so fast. I guess bring your husband or a friend that’s like always super happy and nice and meetup at a Dave and buster or arcades so that is are other distractions around or a restaurant where you can barely hear each other talk. Or Cheesecake Factory because it’s so dark.
He had enough time and opportunity to disclose something this large. Unfortunately I have no one to represent me; I think I will just take them outside that will restrict less interactions. I am obviously not going to bring his health issue up, his general personality and mindset is what pisses me.
What's the medical issue? Perhaps he won't be around that long?
😈
Awww man, let's not say things like that.
I guess the last option is to also bring a weirdo boyfriend or girlfriend and hope that they hit it off. Are you able to rent someone from taskrabbit?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Not a bad idea! 🤔🤔🤔 lol
What medical issue does he have?
He hid about an asymptomatic heart issue. This is an arranged marriage and he had enough opportunity and time to disclose this; and yet he chose not to. When I confronted him, he was willing to answer questions on his issue than actually figuring out that he lied and that's wrong. He thinks it's not wrong that he hid it from all of us He has given us enough stress; to my sister and my family in this short time. His family "accidentally forgot"; they are a so lame and thanks to my sister I have to talk with idiots like them.
Do you think it would have changed the outcome if he’d disclosed it? And no, I’m not buying the “we forgot” theory. They saw a chance for him to marry up.
What do your parents think about the situation. Are they kind of hands-off now that your sister has been married? If that’s the case then you should keep things pleasant and cordial with the BIL. If you push him away then he will keep your sister away from you as well. You want to keep things good enough that you guys remain in contact. At the end of the day, your sister is in control of her life. If she wants to stay with him, then she will no matter what you or your family does. I speak from experience.
Yeah I want my sister around, so I want to put up with him. I just dont know how to have a cordial conversation; I avoid since that's just easy for me