I was diagnosed with Aspergers at 17, Bipolar at 24, and ADHD around 27. Now I’m 30. However I had a conversation last night that led me to think my root issues are actually much closer to OCD and anxiety. And I’m wondering if anyone here has experienced something similar. These conditions have had an enormous effect on my work and personal life. I’ve tried going to every type of therapy, coaching, psychotherapy I could find. I was prescribed every order of antipsychotics, antidepressants, and even stimulants. I even tried off cutting edge off brand treatments like Ketamine (inter-nasal and IV) and TMS. But basically no results. When I talk to therapists, I generally omit a pretty big part of my life - the details of my work. I probably tried before, but it goes over their heads. Saying “I’m an engineer” makes sense. Saying “I am a Frontend engineer that enjoys working on modular common UX components” does not. But yesterday I spoke to my coworker and his very emotionally intelligent wife, who’s also an engineer. And something came out. I get OBSESSED in some projects. But not necessarily the projects my boss wants me to do. I hook onto some inefficiency in a company, usually a non-DRY component that is used across teams. And I focus all my time and all my energy on refactoring it. And I go deep. Left to my own devices that component becomes stellar - incredible documentation, modular, well tested. I spend massive amounts of time configuring utilities like Storybook, setting everything up perfectly. But here’s the problem, 90% of the time, my boss ends up telling me “hey this component is good enough, we have other project work to do”. I have had some jobs with a boss who put me into FE architectural positions. And I did stellar. Like easily 10x my other jobs. Every day I’m in flow. I cannot describe the high. I’ve taken drugs like MDMA, and I would describe the high I get from that type of programming as exceeding that. But everything comes to end. The boss leaves, company priorities change from engineering to sales, all sorts of things. And then inevitably my life goes back for the situation I described previously. And that is where the compulsion starts kicking in. Every task I’m assigned I try to convert it into something generic. The more my boss says no, the deeper the compulsion. I miss that high. And it’s so hard to go back to regular work. I can’t quite describe this compulsion to non-OCD people. I kind of assumed most engineers had it but I do on another level. It turns into a constant thought. I’m working on some other tasks - that thought permeates, I can’t focus. I am laying in bed at night, I am thinking about that thought. I am with my girlfriend or friends, I am thinking that thought. And then it rolls into anxiety. I start feeling unsafe. I start panicking. I work 70-80h a week trying to prove that my preferred work is productive. But of course I can’t frame it without a sympathetic manager (my Aspergers). So I burn out, fall behind on my regular work, and… Depression. I’ve have some really bad depressions. Where I don’t leave my bed for weeks except to eat or use the bathroom. I just watch Netflix. I have that constantly buzzing in my head about a problem that can’t be solved. And I have no energy to do anything about it. I can only distract myself with something mindless like Netflix or Reddit or Blind. Occasionally I get complacent, and just do my job as my boss tells me. But sooner or later I get extremely bored. And that’s when I get… Mania. It turns into thoughts of “what am I doing with my life??” I quit my job. I start some amorphous company with a grandeous but vague vision. I sink all my savings and then some hiring people to execute on who knows what. And very quickly after, I have s major crash, leading to a major depression. The thing is there have been periods of relative stability in my life. Usually it’s when I am lucky to have that one manager who gets me. Really utilizes my OCD tendencies. I feel challenged, fulfilled, serve the company. And suddenly everything falls into place. My racing thoughts - gone. I can be with my friends, have hobbies, be in the moment. Life is amazing. I don’t even work 70h! I work a healthy 40h week and get an incredible amount done. But the minute my job gets destabilized, everything collapsed. So that’s basically my mishmash of conditions. I’m thinking maybe I should be taking anti-anxiety meds/benzos to help with this. Because if I can calm my panicking mind and just do my job, especially at a job like Dropbox, sooner or later I think I’ll find a good fit. It would be much easier than in a startup, as they have the resources and need. I just need to be patient. But otherwise I just think I’ll self sabotage as always. I was also thinking about how I could speak to my manager about this without scaring him off. I have slightly alluded to some of these tendencies here. But I haven’t told him about my Bipolar. And of course I haven’t gone into the depth of how much this affects me. I could easily come off as “crazy” or “not a team player” or “high maintenance” and tank my career. But I feel if he understands my strengths and weaknesses and motivations, like those 2 bosses in the past, perhaps he can guide me into becoming incredibly productive at a company that could actually use my “compulsions” to their advantage. Thoughts? Anyone have a similar story?
Isn't Aspergers under ASD? That might explain your obsession maybe?
Yup
Maybe an architect role at big tech could be the ideal job?
I think so. Historically I’ve been the most successful in those roles. At one startup that was exactly what I did, across 8 teams. But at DBX, I came in @ IC3 (just shy of IC4). And here’s the big problem - I am immensely passionate about FE. But don’t care much for the rest of the stack. I can do it, but I’m way more effective and “in flow” when I’m optimizing some cross functional UX component. Sadly FE is an afterthought at DBX, as with most companies. For me, it’s the other way around - the data is just there in service of a beautiful presentation. I have found a few mentors who are giving me some advice. Basically I just need to be patient for the right projects and not overdo it trying to get that FE role with my 80h obsessive behavior. It just doesn’t work. But it’s really hard to fight those compulsions when they come up. And I need to find a way to have a conversation with my manager without coming off as a liability.
Sounds like this doesn’t just impact your work, but your life - try to work with a therapist to help them understand your patterns of behaviour, which will get you the most effective diagnosis and treatment. They don’t need to know the ins and outs of software, but someone who has experience dealing with people in STEM will do better. Since the pay a doctor gets isn’t tied to how well they can build something but rather how effective they are at treating their patients, they won’t understand it when you talk about work like you’re trying to make something perfect. However, an obsession with perfection and performance can be understood through other things - maybe the doctor tries to optimise their own body through nutrition and fitness or they have side projects in which they chase perfection (writing, music, art, etc.) It’s harder for us neurodivergent people to communicate what we need since we tend to not be able to see outside ourselves as well as we can see inside, but it’s the only way to make it work and get the help we require. For what it’s worth, you shouldn’t tie your value to what you do at work. That’s all it is - work. Do your job, take initiative if you can and want to, but focus on yourself. Optimise your own life and you’ll find yourself having much more stability than if you rely on your seniors at work to let you do what you need to do to feel “normal” or optimal. Godspeed!
Yeah. I’ve looked around. I actually had one in SF who dealt with > 50% tech ppl who had Bipolar. She was on average more useful. But had Bipolar herself. And ultimately dropped me as a client after a major manic episode. So far I haven’t been able to find a similar psychiatrist in NY. But I’ve got a few leads.
Now 31, I've had some similar experiences, but probably milder. I was officially diagnosed with OCD as a kid and depression as a teen but never anything else - not officially. I present as sorta borderline aspie and suspiciously ADHD sometimes (based on online questionnaires and some awareness of these conditions), but I actually think the *only* fundamental cause is anxiety. Heightened anxiety underlying OCD (faded by young adulthood, but I still find myself a perfectionist, especially toward establishing order/cleanliness in things), depression, higher stress, lack of concentration or wandering mind that looks like ADHD, etc. I find myself naturally inclined toward software architecture and obsessive about DRY as well. I fantasize or even semi-seriously plan about starting my own business where I will be free to work on my own schedule with my own priorities and see this as both my ultimate cure and my highest productive potential. But alas, I have never had the funds to self-fund, and for various reasons I'm wary of doing a full-on startup with VC funding, scale, and lots of employees (eg., I'd lose control - the entire point for me), if I'd even be so lucky. I've never taken meds, I just keep trying to find mindset tweaks, behavior tweaks, and skill upgrades that let me handle working for other people/with other people/other people's way a little better over time, while plotting my eventual escape into running my own show. Also fwiw I think I've been chronically under-leveled as I excel on the architecture side and have leadership xp outside of work. I suspect I'll do better once I'm a higher level doing more architecture (where I can keep things clean and tidy and DRY) and maybe let engineers under me work on/shield me from messy details in code that would tick off my obsessive tendencies to fix them.
Have you tried magic mushrooms?
Yep. Mushrooms in micro and Macrodoses. LSD+MDMA therapy, MDMA therapy, Iowaska, and ketamine, as mentioned. They probably are the closest I’d describe to “working”. They work a bit better @ just above micro doses. When I can feel the effects but I’m still on earth haha. Generally they help me take a step back and forget/rethink my situation. And it helps even more when I talk to someone while on psychedelics. Here’s the thing. Psychedelics are in very early stages of becoming legalized for research. This approach “therapy on psychedelics” is pretty much unheard of in the medical community atm. The only legal drug in my state is Ketamine. The internasal doesn’t do much. Which leaves IV. That’s $525 a session, not covered by insurance. It does something. But not quite enough and not for long enough. I think it’s promising but still insufficient
I feel the more you focus on your problems/conditions/issues the more they rule you. Accept the situation, Surrender yourself and let the universe take over. Live each day at a time, enjoy what you do-if not do what you enjoy, get fitter-exercise will go a long way in keep you feeling happy, eat healthy, if your work isn’t interesting - take it as a chore, get done with it and find something interesting to do, like a side project. Find a spiritual anchor - sometimes you just need to be steady and float. Meditate, try yoga.
I’ve tired every variation of that I could think of. Yoga, Buddhist retreats, many kinds of meditation app, meditation meetups, Judaism, Christianity. Same with working out. Gym, trainer, kickboxing, various sports, handstands, acro, surfing, you name if. Here’s the thing. When I’m healthy, I actually enjoy all those things. But the minute I get off center, I just have no energy. No motivation. It feels extremely uncomfortable doing any of those.
OP sounds like you are seeing the negative effects of high intelligence. I am not a clinician but try to go through some stuff by Jordan Peterson on youtube. Not the short motivation stuff but his lectures on some of these. Incidentally he was put on benzos and developed a physical addiction to it so be very careful of you go that route Best of luck
Tech Industry
Yesterday
1326
Companies that pay as much as meta
Tech Industry
6h
773
Microsoft verbal offer. Did I mess it up?
Ask Blinders
Yesterday
616
Everything seems great with this guy, except basic attraction. What to do? My friends say it’s no big deal
World Conflicts
9h
896
Why do Indians support Israel so much( on blind surprisingly) when Israel really thinks 💩of them ?
Tech Industry
2d
9602
What happens when most of your team is Indian?
Try meditation, Sudarshan Kriya and realize imperfections are okay
Oh I’ve tried this many times. I went to a Buddhist retreat. I committed to meditating for 30 days in a row, and actually followed through. Probably 3-4 apps. Going to a local Buddhist temple. Here’s the thing. It basically doesn’t work unless I’m already in a good place. Otherwise, as I sit with my thoughts without a distraction it becomes significantly uncomfortable. Like imagine 5 people yelling at you at the top of your lungs. But you’re also incredibly bored at the same time.
Directly sitting in meditation won’t help you. Try learning some breathing techniques like Sudarshan Kriya and then learn a meditation technique which helps you completely relax. My close person has the same thing and it works. Everyone says relax but they won’t tell you how to. Buddhist meditation are good but I don’t know if they teach you breath work before meditation. Breath work is the key to settle thoughts and after that you get a door step to meditation