Brother beaten severely as a kid. Doesn’t speak to dad at all now.
Grew up in a rather traditional (northern) Chinese family. (Family roots from a Chinese province northwards of North Korea) Older brother took the brunt of corporal punishment from our dad for 25+ years, which would involve physical beatings until my brother would literally be lying on the ground sobbing and writhing in pain. Oftentimes his legs would go numb. (Our dad was merciless and really did go all out) The punishments would be over things like: talking back, not knowing how to do a math olympiad contest problem - this is intense stuff like AMC-12 and AIME, which are NOT regular school math (while my dad watched his every move from behind, live, muttering threats like “if you don’t write the correct answer, I’m gonna hit you soon” - brother would freeze up and be trembling and crying from fear, and eventually my dad’s fist pummeled his head every single time), and other dumb things. The consequence? My brother, now 35, never talks nor initiates any convo to my dad now, and hasn’t since he was a child. He has stated that he has zero interest in repairing the relationship. Thing is, my dad did offer a written apology to my brother back when he was 25, but it didn’t seem to have much of an impact (relative to the years of physical suffering inflicted). I can see how visibly hurt my dad (now in his 60s) is, and it’s very awkward witnessing all this from the perspective of a younger sibling. I heard my dad say once to my mom in Mandarin in private, “he’s not talking to me till the day I die now, is he…” Not sure how many other 1st-gen immigrants here have this problem. If so, what ended up happening? Are these familial rifts common, and very traumatic?
From China too but my parents didn't beat me or my siblings. However, I don't really talk to my parents either now. I think your father deserved it.
大哥，你最棒了
Big man, you are ...?
Oof. Your loyalty belongs with your brother. I wish you grace to deal with this horrific legacy.
I’m a Chinese and this is not what a Chinese traditional family mean. A father from a traditional family will give his best to feed the family and go as far as buying the kids a house. That’s what my dad did. Your dad is a horrible person and he deserves this. If I were your brother I’d also not talk to this horrible human being.
Same thing in Indian families. As an oldest kid in faced the brunt of their anger and their love was mostly reserved for younger siblings. However, my situation was so much better and my relationship with parents is very good. I am 100% with your brother on this. People should think a million times before bringing a kid to this world and provide them a good life until they leave the nest.
Thank you. I’m sure my brother would appreciate your kind words.
That's fucked up.
I’m speaking from experience. I’d leave it alone. Do you or your brother have kids? Having your own family that’s healthy/functional is therapeutic. Not being around dad is probably beneficial. A lot of people make blanket statements like “but that’s your parent” or “you have to do x because that’s your parent”. Some of those people have no concept of severe child abuse and neglect or what it’s like when the parent continues their behavior when you’re an adult. Give him a call on Father’s Day and have a conversation about your dad.
It’s years of trauma that he experienced. And it’s not just here, many countries have this kind of domestic issues going on. I would say help your brother achieve the goal of letting go and forgiveness. If he doesn’t forgive his father, he is also not free from that traumatic experience he suffered all those years ago that would eventually be a cause of his pain internally.
Does your father have narcissistic personality disorder/ other cluster - B disorder?
I think he has serious anger management issues.
Yes, more common than you think and not just among Asian families. Those from group-centric, family-oriented and collectivist cultures like Chinese do suffer more since we were raised to be super attached to our kins and family values. I'm sorry your brother went through that, and he probably deliberately blocked off your dad to stay sane until he's ready otherwise. Wouldn't recommend convincing your bro to resume contact unless he initiates anything. Your dad has only himself to blame, he didn't mean it back then but actions always carry consequences so...
Why do you have to start the same thread multiple times
What would be awesome if this OP and the one person who always posts about how East Asians don't like her because she's Vietnamese got together. They would make a lovely couple.
Roblox- you’re implying that OP here, who is Northeast Asian, would willingly date down with a lower-status Southeast Asian Vietnamese? Yeah, THAT’s totally happening.