Honestly don’t know why I’m posting this on blind. Dated a girl for 2 years mostly LDR (NY/MD) and slowly but surely realized that we could never align on values regarding future vision, money, etc… I really loved her but we were not able to understand each other’s values. I’m pretty indoctrinated into that Asian standard in that I envision a double income marriage with kids, living a better life than my immigrant parents etc… Her vision is conservative in another way in that the guy should take care of most/all expenses of the girl and traveling the world was a priority over raising/giving kids a privileged life. I think the breakup is good for both of us long term but it’s so gut wrenching because in spite of the differences (which we tried to work out to no avail) I really love and care about her. Moreover, she has no family in the states and there is also a dimension where I feel as if I’m abandoning her. In the end, from my side I felt poorly treated because I never met her expectations of a boyfriend. I was long distance, which I think was the ultimate problem. And I feel like sometimes as if I was faulted for not leaving my job in NYC or transitioning to full time remote to move to her area where she works at a restaurant full time. (This was a major contention point because I felt like in her vision, if I was the “bread winner” why I’d have to forsake my career). She actually has a computer science degree but never made serious attempts at getting a job, which I never understood either but also never wanted to heavily pressure her into doing as it seemed like she had a community working at the restaurant. Another side note is that although this should not matter, my mother did not like her for that specific reason - working a blue collar job. I’d like to say this had no impact but I think it was always in the back of my mind that my mother wasn’t accepting. Even when I tried to make her happy by doing things outside of my comfort zone (ordering her food regularly as an example), I felt like it was treated as status quo. Distance in the end seemed like the ultimate problem. Her rationale for not moving to me was she was against leaving her life in MD to come to a brand new city. Now that it’s over, I’m lost. I have a few close friends who are all guys I usually just play video games with. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to find someone who loves me for me. I’m not that huge of a party goer and tbh I don’t have much “game” and I feel like dating in NYC needs it. Was in a relationship for 3 years prior to this one (throughout college and early covid) and the gap between last one and this one was a decent amount of quarantine time/early career focus. I’m 26 now and feel just burnt out by my last two long term relationships. The last time I remember being someone who actively seeks women/relationships around me was when I was 19. When I was 23-24 was way more concerned about career stuff and met my last girlfriend by happenstance. I think I’m a pretty good catch other than the fact I don’t have many very social friends - mostly hangout via video games since covid. My hobbies are exercising and video games (experimenting to get into some content creation and building apps on the side) I’m exhausted and don’t want to get into another relationship right away. But also feels like next attempt will be my last to fit that standard I mentioned earlier. What should I do? Any therapeutic advice? I’m lost, lonely, burnt out, and feel like I still love her even though I know we’re not good for each other. TC - 220k
Time will heal. If it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be. Don’t regret because if you were for her and she for you, then it would’ve worked out - but it didn’t. Go through the sadness but know it will pass.
Her loss. You seem like a good guy who did his best. Sleep around and after a while you will find someone who is even better than her Men are generally treated like disposable tampons by women unfortunately. I know it hurts but we have no choice as men but to keep going and leveling up
Nothing makes you forget the last one like the next one. Just meet some girls and have a good time - no long term relationships for a bit.
Don’t wanna judge a book by it’s cover… but when I read that 1). She envisions a lifestyle where the man funds most of her expenses and 2). You (seem to) have a stable job while she works in a restaurant… my first thought was to run. You’re 26, you’re at that age where you start to feel ‘old’ when in reality you’re still very young. That’s probably part of why you feel anxiety over this. But you’re young and make a very good living, you’ll be fine meeting other people. It just won’t happen tomorrow, don’t stress about it. You’re going to miss her for a little bit because you spent some years with her, that’s normal. Doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision.
Lots of red flags based on what you just wrote. You’re better off without her and the pain you’re feeling now is nothing compared to the pain of going through a divorce. Especially if there’s kids involved.
I say this in the nicest way possible. Go to therapy. Distance and some differences in values probably had something to do with the breakup, but it also sounds like you might be living your mother’s values and life plan. You started dating her in spite of the fact that she had a blue collar job that your mother would not approve of. Why is that? 26 is a good age to take stock of how much you are living for someone else’s expectations and whether the obligation to please your parents is stronger than your obligation to meet your own needs. Knowing what comes from and drives you vs what’s your family’s voice in your head can only serve you well.
It’s an interesting point and one I’m definitely aware of. I never really felt as if I was being forced into that role. And, while a minor point, there were statements made over the course of the relationship of getting a “proper” job but never really materialized. Thank you for the advice though.
The fact that you felt bad leaving her even though throughout the post I did not read a single good about her just shows you're wayy better in everything than her, be that as caring, humble , loving, selfless, etc etc..all good guys qualities like me. So don't stress , just be glad u ended things with her which otherwise would have ended way badly had you continued this relationship to marriage or something. Go to gym, go to bar, travel to different countries with friends, you still have lot of time before even thinking about marriage, don't be too much desperate about a girl companion, learn to love yourself a little more and value your me time , you'll come to realise that your own physical and mental health supercedes every damn chick on earth. Keep a light lookout for any new signs given by girls around you, Time will come.
You dodged a bullet.
i was thinking the same thing
You dodged a bullet
You and she weren't a good fit. Break ups can happen even if you're still fond of her. Take a break from dating and start again when you're ready. You'll be a catch for the right person at the right time.