I am full of Hate

Aug 15, 2018 38 Comments

Stuck in a job that’s toxic. This toxicity is spilling into my personal life and I am now full of hate. When I hear someone is hurt and or died, I feel happy.

I’ve gained weight, lost interest in going out or dating, guess I am indifferent now. I don’t have any friends I can trust or confide my feelings in. Think I am just growing to he be an old coot. I was not like this before I joined Apple, I’ve been trying to switch jobs for about two years now and don’t have a single offer. All the while, I see people who are less competent and without skills find roles and move to different roles without an issue. I feel so damn sick to even try for an Interview now.

I do understand all of this may be a sign of depression, tried seeing a psychiatrist but it doesn’t help and am just losing my $$$. The medication keeps me groggy and I feel tired all the time. I tried taking a vacation to keep my mind off it, that only helps temporarily. And I am back to what I am with in a week or two after I am back at work.

What to do??

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TOP 38 Comments
  • Microsoft maverickk
    You're sinking further and further into depression. Seek help asap and see a therapist.
    Aug 15, 2018 3
    • Apple / Eng appsrus
      Strongly disagree. It took me three or four tries to find a therapist I like, but doing so has made huge improvements in every area of my life, not just fighting depression. But it's work and it's a slow process.

      For the first 6 months of therapy, I felt a little better, because I was doing something actively to take control of my life, and it gave me a feeling of control. But that passed, and I realized how long a road was ahead of me, and my depression actually got worse. It wasn't until about 2-3 years in that I started to see the benefits and actually like my life. I just wish I had started sooner. I wasted a decade of my life trying to fight depression with things that only made it worse, basically out of pride. Therapy felt like giving up to me, but really the opposite is true.
      Aug 15, 2018
    • Microsoft maverickk
      That's great advice !
      Aug 15, 2018
  • Tesla LEETCODER
    Look for a new job. What's stopping you from interviewing? DM me for referral if you want to.
    Aug 15, 2018 2
    • Apple allgripes
      OP
      I am. Been doing that for the past two years! Haven’t received a single viable offer yet.
      Aug 15, 2018
    • Google GoldenGod
      Does “viable offer” mean comparable to what you make now or does it mean you haven’t received an offer at all?

      If first scenario, taking less money and leaving Apple for the sake of your happiness sounds like it would be worth it.
      Aug 15, 2018
  • Apple / Product JEns11
    I feel the same way. Hang in there. I’m actively looking for a new job and I’m trying to make my sleep and health my first priority. I haven’t been performing my highest at work, but honestly I don’t care any more. I am quitting after October vesting even if I don’t find another job. Having a salary is not worth having all my happiness and energy sucked away
    Aug 15, 2018 3
    • Apple / Product JEns11
      I got offers from Google and Facebook and I’m finally able to leave this miserable experience! Now reflecting back, a major part of my depression was caused by the feeling of not seeing a way to get out. Now that the path to something new is clear, it feels amazing and I’ve made a 180deg shift in my day to day mood and mindset. I hope you are doing better too! Take action and change your situation!
      Oct 13, 2018
    • Apple allgripes
      OP
      So happy for you JEns11. I am still stuck in this rut hoping to see a way out. I flunked another interview today.
      Nov 12, 2018
  • Qualcomm fpga
    Dm me or someone.
    Aug 15, 2018 1
    • Qualcomm fpga
      Also start working out. Will make you much happier in a few weeks.
      Aug 15, 2018
  • New / Eng Painkiller
    Just stop eating, you will be much happier.
    Aug 15, 2018 1
    • Apple allgripes
      OP
      Tried that. Starvation only helps until it doesn’t work.
      Aug 15, 2018
  • Apple XBue76
    Try meditating 20 mins a day. You could use headspace or any of the famous apps or learn it from a Guru.

    1. Yoga/meditation
    2. Good food (avoid any kind of junk food)
    3. Good amount of sleep
    4. Hang out with your tribe and if you have lost touch with your tribe or don’t have one at all, just go volunteer some place that speaks to your heart - may be, you’ll find your tribe there. Or got attend tech talks if that’s your thing.
    5. Do something, anything that’ll get you into a state of flow. People who have high flow lives are the happiest. It could be playing your favorite musical instrument, reading your favorite comics, taking part in action sports , dancing , playing football/badminton or anything.
    6. Try to get into the “game mode”, exercise your grey matter or fire your neurons at crazy frequency/intensity. If you can, do all of these.

    You can ping me if you need a friend to talk to. Hang in there & good luck finding your path!
    Aug 15, 2018 0
  • New / Product
    nicebot

    New Product

    BIO
    Need leads to PM roles in SF. Thank you!!
    nicebotmore
    Vape weed (sativa), lift, try adventure sports, intermittent fasting. And talk to the psych about adjusting dosage. All the best. I hope you find happiness soon.
    Aug 15, 2018 2
    • Apple allgripes
      OP
      How and where do I get it ?
      Aug 15, 2018
    • New / Product
      nicebot

      New Product

      BIO
      Need leads to PM roles in SF. Thank you!!
      nicebotmore
      I'm guessing you're asking about weed. Eaze.com - choose Daybreak cartridge. Monster cookies has 1% CBD that should help with stress so that could be a good option for you too. Get the battery vape. Should be easy to figure out how to use it. DM if it gets confusing.

      Here's my referral, $20 credits for you and me. HTTPS://EAZE.COM/SHARE/L/ICEQNGO
      Aug 15, 2018
  • VMware OGTI8
    Apple is that toxic? I'm planning to apply, damn
    Aug 29, 2018 1
    • Apple allgripes
      OP
      It’s like bubonic plague
      Aug 30, 2018
  • New
    Bamb

    New

    PRE
    UM WW
    Bambmore
    I feel the same way. I hate almost everyone at my work and live to see them make mistakes and get humiliated. I hate all these fake, brown-nosing, political monsters. Dm me if you want to chat...
    Aug 15, 2018 1
  • Hey, pm me if you wanna talk.
    Aug 15, 2018 1

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