This might be a bit of a long post but the TL;DR is: I despise my job and don't really have any motivation to continue in the rat race if this is going to be the next 30+ years of my life. It's probably best to start at the beginning. I was always a smart kid growing up but dealt with a lot of bullying and harassment at school and at home from my parents. Kids would pick on me for being a "nerd" or being awkward and my parents would constantly berate me for not getting better marks. Even to this day they chide me for not becoming a doctor. I also grew up in a very religious and restrictive country, which limited me from having any meaningful childhood experiences. Ever since I was a kid I had to pretend to be someone I wasn't so that I wouldn't be disowned or shunned even further by society. Life really sucked, but I kept my head down and figured it would all be worth it after I got out into the real world. Programming in high school kind of game me some semblance of hope and direction, it was the thing I genuinely loved to do and would do it in my spare time. I'd go above and beyond for my class projects and always be ready to help others and help them learn as well. University was good for the most part! The first time I had genuine friends who liked me for who I was. I did decently well in all my classes and was having an active social life. There were a few "friends" that kind of sucked and whenever I partnered with them on assignments, I had to always do all the work, but I again, I figured it would be worth it. After all, even when I didn't enjoy the work I was doing, surely it would still help me in the long run, right? I thought I was "building character" or developing my skill set by tanking most or even all of the work on group projects. I did end up gaining a significant amount of breadth in most topics offered in classes at university and always tried to push myself to take difficult classes and never take the easy way out. I interned at Microsoft, I got extended a full time offer, but I didn't exactly enjoy my role and it would require me to move locations (I had a relatively turbulent childhood and moved multiple times prior to this), so I declined because I figured I'd stay put for a while. This turned out to be a terrible idea, because finding a job back home was near impossible. Eventually I did land a job as a forward deployed engineer at a well known global company. A few of my friends from university made a life in the states (some of them, people I carried in university). My life went back to being absolutely miserable. I was definitely challenged in my role, I was doing things way above my pay grade like leading and architecting projects, but I was doing all of this with no promotion in sight. I was working long hours, sometimes even doing 30+ hour stints. My manager would keep dangling an incoming promotion if I just "kept up the good work!" but suddenly there would be lack of budget for our team or some other bs excuse. I realized my efforts weren't going to be recognized so I quit that job went off to do my own thing for a year, try out making various projects and see which direction I wanted to move my career in. Again, it was really hard to find jobs after my solo stint (understandably, unemployed people aren't the most attractive candidates) and I kind of lucked my way into a role back at Microsoft in the states. Now I'm in a team that, while everyone on the team is easy to get along with, the work is so deeply unmeaningful to me. I can't see myself ever using the tool I'm working on and it's hard for me to have any context on why we're creating certain features or why certain things are bugs. Day in and day out I've just been working on fixing random meaningless bugs for a tool that has probably less than 1000 customers and probably even less growth potential. I've been here for about a year and I already find it really hard to even open up my IDE at this point. I know that not all jobs are meant to be great, and that dream job status isn't achieved so quickly, but this.... wasn't what I expected. I'm underperforming for the first time in my life at anything because I just cannot find the resolve to actually do my job. My manager had to talk to me about my shitty performance and I feel so much guilt because this is such a poor representation of what I can do. I think my teammates are starting to distance themselves from me because they see me as incompetent and it just fucking sucks to let down so many people simultaneously. Couple this with the fact that the previously mentioned people who I effectively did assignments for in university because they didn't want to do their fair share are doing considerably better in their career than I am. I know lots of people would kill to be in the position I'm in right now, but I feel stuck. I'm not going to succeed in this current role, but I need to do just that if I want to move internally. On top of that, even if by some miracle I could move internally, I'd be doing so reluctantly because I feel like Microsoft has slighted me with my signing offer since it was much lower than what they offered me after my internship, even though now I came back with far more experience. I can't even move to another company. I've had my resume looked at by friends that are senior in other companies and friends that are recruitiers for tech and they've given me helpful tips on improving my resume, but even then, it hasn't yielded any results. I've applied to almost 80 jobs just in the past 2 months that I feel I would enjoy, but out of those I've only gotten one call for a technical screening which resulted in a rejection with no feedback because apparently it's better to let me flounder and repeat the same mistakes than throw me a bone. My social life here is good as well. I have a very close group of friends and they're all excellent, smart, caring people. But they're also all far more successful than I am. I know it's not good to compare yourself to others, but when you're doing the worst out of your friends by a large margin, it just kind of fucking sucks because they all love their jobs and their careers are looking really promising but I just have none of that and I don't feel like I ever will. Some of my friends have told me to see a therapist about changing my mindset, which I've just started doing, but I don't feel like words are the way to solve these problems I have. I'm literally just waiting for some miracle which will never happen. Perhaps this is what I deserve for not being strong enough as a child and young adult, I was a pretty easy target as a kid for some reason which I don't understand to this day. It's probably just a continuation of that, I'm an easy target. A chump. At your service to be stepped over, used and thrown away. I feel like I'm fucked. I have no energy to continue my current job, if I quit or get fired then I've reversed the last 5 years of my life and I'm starting back from when I graduated university. I'm still a stupid junior engineer and I'm about to hit my 30s very soon, so I'm clearly seen as incapable by the industry. People who used me in university are getting further ahead in life than me. I'm fat as fuck, I've gained like 40 pounds and I can't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore from years of stress eating. I've kind of just given up on everything. All that suffering and trauma throughout my childhood and going through things most people don't have to amounted to me just continuing the streak of being an absolute failure as an adult. Anyways other than this pathetic pity party I'm throwing for myself, I wanted to ask if there was any advice anyone could give me. Has anyone here had these similar feelings and managed to get through it? TC: 130k #fml #career
Do you expect people to read that #fml
Dude. Way too long.
There's a TL;DR at the top for your viewing pleasure.
Chin up. Feel free to DM if you need someone to talk.
I feel you. I'm in a similar position and I'm more than a decade older than you. Sent out some of applications, got no callbacks. Being passed by at work by high performers. Can't raise my talent level because I'm not a native speaker of the language here and am always a half second behind in meetings. At least you make good money! 😭 Sorry for not having anything constructive for you - I only have commiseration.
Yeah it sucks ass. I'm very grateful that I have enough money to live a very comfortable life, I just wish the enjoyable work came with it! I hope everything works out for you soon!
I feel that once you do land a cool job, startup or otherwise this feeling all but about vanish. It’s still a numbers game, if you’re not converting say 5-10% of applications into phone screens, then there’s something wrong with how your applying (using indeed, or mass job board, resume reads bad, no cover etc). For now focus on doing the bare minimum to get the spotlight of shit focus off of you at work . This is your mission now. And everyday focus on job searching via LinkedIn and angelslist , sending cold emails, beefing up that resume. But honestly , take some acid and get perspective. Go get a labour job like construction or washing dishes for a few months. Working with your hands gives you time to think and plan. And there’s nothing like an actually shitty job to motivate you to get what you want out of life.
I agree, there is definitely something (or a few things) wrong with how I'm applying otherwise I wouldn't be in this situation. It's been a struggle trying to pinpoint what that is though. Aha, I have some acid laying around. Was waiting for the summer, but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to give it a go this weekend. And you're right, I need to suck it up and recover at work for now if I hope to get through this. Thanks for the advice.
I agree take acid, it opens your mind significantly
I'm here for a chat if you want
TLDR;
I am here to chat too. Dont get discouraged. Money does not bring happiness. Its the piece of mind. People are not successful at what they earn but how happy and content they are in the life. Even if you earn millions there may be someone earning more than you. It is a useless fight
I know. It's not so much the money that upsets me, it's more having a purpose or a direction I suppose. The work I'm doing right now doesn't feel like it's leading to anything. There's not necessarily any "next step", I feel. I'm really just craving that sense of belonging and purpose to my work which I've never really had and don't know how to get.
[serious] Finding the right therapy is key if you're really wanting to help yourself. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works well for change (changing mindset, habits etc.) Pairing this with a light anxiety med helps. I didn't have this experience you mentioned but I did have a "wtf am I doing with my life (happiness, path, etc)" a couple of years ago. If you want more help OP feel free to message me. Best of luck
Pets
Yesterday
904
Cat killed bird
World Conflicts
Yesterday
692
American police seem to work only when Israel is challenged
World Conflicts
Yesterday
1124
I am Columbia alumni
Personal Finance
Yesterday
1097
What do you think the Fed will do tomorrow?
Tech Industry
12h
2722
Asians - what are your thoughts on asian female white male ?
Happy to share some insight and perspective. DM me and we can exchange some thoughts over email
I'm passionate about helping those with motivation issues and happy to provide some perspective
I would love your guidance.