In tech, feeling excluded, losing productivity
I have been in this company for almost 5 years, I am a female, with PhD in a mathematics related degree. And worked in three other companies before MS (in two as full time, in one as intern) and have never felt excluded or bullied. I changed my team 1.5 year ago from Azure to a researchi like team. I was valued as a team member in all my previous teams and companies, and many times in my 1/1 meetings my managers would start by saying how impressed they are with my hard work and dedication. I have never been a show off. I always believed my performance will show off my capabilities. I always worked hard to the extend that my team members in connects provided feedback that I am working hard and answering their questions even 2, 3 am. However, in this team, I have been working with a research manager who constantly in my 1/1 belitteled hours of my work, randomized my tasks, saying work on task 1, then the next time we met, he would questioned me for not having results of task 2, and saying you went down a rat hole again! mocked me for not knowing a single small concept in a domain that I haven't had experienced before. Few times he said you don't know how to present!!! but I have never heard that feedback, I teach to graduate students as part time job and my rating is 4.8 out of 5! So my presentation style cannot be that bad, is it? There are more examples of his bullying, but he impacted my life and also understanding and behavior of other team members towards me too. All of them manexplain concept in my domain to me!! talk over me in meetings, ask me stupid questions on whether I know how to do very easy tasks, like I know nothing and interestingly they don't ask similar questions from lower level and newer GUY employees to the MS! and make strange surprised faces when I explain I teach these concepts to graduate students as a lecturer. I feel I am losing my confidence every day that I work with them, one of them provided peer feedback that I have to be more aggressive! and that is even harder to accept, why? I am a female, I talk with a lower voice, but I don't want to talk over people like them, I don't want to be unprofessional. I got an offer from another tech company, but I decided not to go, because I heard culture there is worse, and I am exploring other things. But meanwhile I have such a hard time focusing on work and be productive any more, and I just want a way out. I constantly ask myself, is there a problem with me? Am I lacking some capability? Should I stick around and deal with them and change myself and be aggressive? And work on changing my voice! etc.? I feel alone, don't know if anyone else has similar experiences or is it just me :(
If you haven't had such experiences in the past then YOU ARE NOT the problem. Either your manager is an a***ole or you just have conflicting working styles. You can either choose to figure out how to work better with each other or find another team. If you truly believe there is a dishonest intent from the manager's end you could consider escalating it over to HR, but that usually ends up being messy. Better to move teams
Document all the conversations, email manager after 1/1 about the agreements and work on what was agreed on. Thing is you don't have this documented. The documentation needs to be specific with dates and times. If this pattern continues after 3/4 meetings after that, I would file a complaint with hr, more so, if the manager is a male.
And also start looking for another job
Manager doesn't like you - who knows why. Possibly is misogynist, who knows. You need a new boss. I'd you can't do an internal transfer, time to start interviewing.
Leave. There is no changing this research manager, because he will not listen to you in the first place. Fighting for the right projects and promotions will be an uphill battle, and will be given to people less competent and experienced than yourself. It does not matter what your quality of work is. Even if you changed your speaking style to be more aggressive, they’ll just moan to your manager about how you’re a b1tch and hard to work with (speaking from experience). Interview elsewhere.
Your manager is a bully and it’s better to leave that position and find something else. Bullies are nothing more than insecure beings who are jealous of you. You know your strengths and weaknesses after all these years of experience. So if someone is trying to show that you are weak when you absolutely know that it is your strength, they are the bully who is trying to cause cognitive dissonance. In layman terms you are just dealing with a psycopath/sociopath. Get out of there.
Your manager sounds bad, and your team sounds annoying. FWIW I'm not sure it has anything to do with your gender. I have experienced a lot of what you describe too, and I'm male. In my case, I looked for a different team that was a better fit. Different teams tend to cater for different preferences, so perhaps this unpleasant situation could be a good learning experience for what to look out for when evaluating a new opportunity.
Is changing team an option for you?
I tried two times. One I went through the whole loop, and I think I did good, but they said they have more people to interview due to recent diversity requiremens and will reach out. I think their decision was a no. I was interviewing with another team, the hiring manager wanted to start the full loop, but few days later messaged she is leaving MS, and I actually freaked out and decided not to follow up on that position anymore. I am honestly not sure if I should stay in MS anymore. so many cultural issues :(
No matter where you go, any company will have cultural issues. People mostly leave jobs because of managers who create a toxic environment. Keep trying in Microsoft to find a good manager or try for another company.
Don’t go down the rat hole of thinking about it, you will just build self doubt. Move. Time for a new team that builds you up.
Completely abusive and hostile work environment. Be concerned about mental and physical health. You should leave as soon as possible.