Just wrapping up orientation at dream company and completely overwhelmed
I think Ive been in a panic attack for the last 24 hours and I dont know how to deal with it anymore or what to do.
Basically, I got out of school a year and a half ago and started working at a startup. While I was there I thought I was a 10xer. Id complete all my sprint tasks no problem, owned and built the backend for “huge” features and thought I was working my ass off.
Our process was basically, CEO talks to customer and finds out what they want, we discuss how that can be done, product guy does a wireframe design, I write an API spec for everything the frontend should need, we verify that with our frontend contracting team, I build API, they build frontend, we write some loose testcases, merge to master, we manual test, and then ./deploy.sh and its live.
In the end while money was tight I did a little bit of frontend as well, but I mean barely anything. More like maintaining, but I knew what every API does.
I just got an offer from my dream company, almost 3x what I made before. I excitedly accepted the offer. And started orientation this week. I wasnt even remotely nervous about working, I was more nervous about having to socialize at orientation.
Orientation has basically been nonstop engineering school, and ho.ly.shit. The processes are insane. theres a giant monorepo, they dont use any open source tools its all internal tooling. Github? nah internal. Cassandra? Nah, internal. Kubernetes? Nope, internal. Review tools are internal tools, deployments handled by internal tools, etc etc. Want to use an instance of this? see this team. Want to use an instance of that, see that team. See this helpdesk, see that helpdesk. Its just insane.
Then I start digging into my teams slack and jira and holy shit, these people are 10xers. They are pushing tons of code all the time, even the guy who joined the team a few months ago and just out of school is pumping out so much work, he makes the guy I looked up to at my last company look like he didnt know shit. I was suddenly hit with the realization that Im maybe a half xer at best and have just been surrounded by really poor talent.
I cant sleep, I cant eat, I cant even think straight. its like I have 1000 voices in my head screaming at me. I got off work today around 5 and wanted nothing more than to sleep, but I couldnt. I went and got dinner with my gf and met her brother for the first time and I could barely eat a spoonful or keep a conversation going.
When we got back my gf was excitedly trying to talk to me about stuff and I was literally just closing my eyes trying to drown out everything until I eventually snapped at her. And I never snap. She was horrified. I told her how I was feeling and she just didnt get it.
When I do sleep, I dream intensely about the company Im working at and wake up hundreds of times in the night. Everyone else in my orientation, seems totally chill and unphased by everything we’re learning but I feel completely buried. I feel like Im not gonna be able to produce any work and its making me extremely anxious and depressed. The only thing giving me hope is that my team is taking 2 weeks off for christmas and I figure I can spend those 2 weeks getting ahead without letting anyone know so I can seem at least on par with everyone.
Has anyone who moved from a small company with no processes to a large company felt like this? Im sure given time Ill adjust but I dont know how to deal with this in the meantime. I feel physically ill. I feel mentally disconnected from reality, like this is all a dream. I just want to shut my brain off and sleep but I cant. I feel like a schizo or something.