I grew up in the Midwest. A quiet peaceful life with a loving family. I miss the good old days sitting on the back porch with a hamburger, a friend, and a smile. Still, I knew I was destined for something better. I went to a state college and knew I was smart but didn’t know what to major in. I picked Computer Science because it would pay well. The classes were mainly dudes and very boring. I took a few math classes and liberal arts classes too for my major, and there were actually women in there. I tried not to class myself as a nerd, but didn’t really fit in with any other groups. I did some internships and started actually making money. I had big parties with other interns, mainly dudes, and we never cleaned up after ourselves; it was awesome! I could feel the tractor beam of big tech sucking me right in. After college, I landed a job as a SDE at Amazon. Almost instantly, I was the smartest guy in the room. I was better at building models than the Stats majors. I knew finance better than the Finance majors. I could communicate better than the English majors with my non-contextual technical docs and verbose diagrams. I knew the economy better than Top Economists. After all, I studied the harder major and was way smarter than any of the other majors in college, and infinitely smarter then the people that wasted their time in grad school. Then things starting spiraling out of control when I got my signing bonus in the first paycheck. I started getting $50 haircuts for some reason, buying $10 teas, and I bought a Porsche. I rented a very nice apartment and still slept on a mattress on the floor in it. All those women I desperately wanted to talk to in school, were in the places I was, and I still hung around mostly dudes. I was living large! Pretty soon I was ordering delivery food for every meal, taking Uber rides everywhere, and doing the same hobbies as all of my friends. Rock climbing, skiing, and stocks were my life. My crew and I would try to do or discuss all 3 at the same time until we found out about Frisbee Golf simultaneously from everyone else. The long Amazon hours paid off, and my shirts never needed to be washed because they were constantly soaked with sweat. I slept under my desk most nights and I only was up for focus and PIP once. I dodged PIP, by showing my boss a tattoo of the Amazon Leadership principles on my chest. He started sobbing tears of joy and gave me my first real pat on the back. Still though, I knew enough was enough. I was lying to myself, I was a big fish in a small pond. I applied to Facebook. I practiced using Python and TensorFlow to utilize somebody else’s off-the-shelf models. I was an ML genius! Maybe even an AI genius! I could utilize my 4 math classes in college to optimize for 3 whole statistical forces at a time. I took 1 NLP course and 1 Econometrics course too, I was a GD expert!! After all, I knew how to manipulate data, how hard could building a model accurately actually be? Finally came the interviews. Facebook was tough. They asked me how to build models with accuracy. I responded with the textbook ML answers I read on GlassDoor, and anything I couldn’t figure out I just filled by saying ‘Deep Learning’. One of the interviewers was a Statistician, he asked me how I’d test and control for a bunch of random statistical forces I had never heard of. I had no clue what he was talking about and just powered on by saying Big O notation and reducing latency. I never knew what he thought of me, but I had good enough scores on the other interviews to get an offer! Shortly after I joined, I was no longer a Facebooker, I was a Metamate! When I got the news of the name change, my metamates and I jumped up & high-fived each other. Slowly, I started developing a nervous twitch. My arm would reach out in the air above my head and then lower while my fingertips would slightly tap the top of my back. I came to learn that patting yourself on the back was a common ailment amongst Metamates. The company shrink met with me and told me the problem would resolve so long as I humbled myself by personally stealing 10 users data per work day. Pretty soon, I was committing crap code and jockeying for position in meetings. I was justifying why I had a job and building my brand. I would build features that didn’t add value and had poor UX, but boy did they have impact! I would work with the same Statistician from the interview and try to create metrics that hid signals that made my work look bad. Oddly one day, my favorite shirt of Aretha Franklin singing Respect at Madison Square Garden faded slowly from overwear at the office. I found a partner half my attractiveness and twice my social awkwardness in the Bay Area. We hit it off when we both started discussing Crypto and LLMs at the same time. We went to mediocre restaurants and spent the whole time talking about AI and undergrad CS topics with intellectuals. We plan to name our kid Braydon. I retired from Meta and Mark himself walked me out and gave me my last pat on the backside. Yep, studying CS and being a SWE made me the smartest person in every room and in every subject, I can look back knowing I led a good life and keep my arm stretched knowing I’ll be ready for the final pat on my back one day : )
Is this ChatGPT generated? It's mildly amusing, but some of it feels forced.
Wow this is hilarious