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No man is 100% straight
I'm 40, happily married to the most understanding, wonderful, beautiful wife. I have 2 kids, one from current wife and 1 from last wife. I'm a Senior IC, level 64 and make about 250k a year. I get laid a lot, I love my kids, my stay-at-home wife makes it super easy on me and takes care of absolutely everything. I have a house that's mostly paid for, a sports car, a commuter and a family car all paid for. But I'm just so jaded with it all. I hate this world. I hate the people in it. I hate the side effects of this bullshit capitalistic me me me economy. I hate that companies build-in obsolescence into their products. I hate that the planet is dying. I hate that everyone around me is happily head-in-the-sand and doesn't question the utter stupidity of how we do things. I hate everything that has to do with money. I hate poverty and that we the people do nothing serious about it. I hate the side effects of crime and violence that money creates. I hate that money is seen as something to grab and hoard by any means necessary, even if it means trampling on others. I'm unable to deal with the slightest thing. My bank adjusted my escrow payment upwards in January and I missed the notification. I wasn't able to pick up the phone to rectify the situation for over 6 weeks. In fact, most of my mail stays unopened for months. If Amazon sends me something bdoken, I find it too exhausting to deal with it and just forget about it. Going to a concert is boring. Going to a restaurant is boring. Going to my kid's soccer games is boring. Having friends over is boring. Going on a hike is borimg. Going swimming is boring. I've done everything, travelled everywhere, bought everything most people want at some point in their life. I want none of it. I hate my job. I don't see a purpose behind our products; either we sell ads for our services, or platforms like windows and office to other companies who in turn will crank out their own useless bullshit in a never-ending cycle of building bullshit products for the only purpose of sending the most balls their way in this giant bullshit game of hungry hungry hippos. All I want is a piece of land with high speed internet so I can live a peaceful life with nature but still be able to play online video games. All I want to do is wake up and play video games all day, fuck the wife, kiss the kids and eat. But before you feel too sorry for me, there's another side to this... I'm starting to take it out on people. Verbally. If a parent tells me my kid did something wrong I curse them out at the top of my lungs. If a driver honks at me for any reason, I will retaliate -- roll down my window and scream, flip the bird, apply brakes/gas/brakes/gas, serious road rage. If my internet goes down or if I get a billing error on my cell phone bill, I don't start with being pleasant, I immediately go into a tirade of F and C-bombs. I've screamed at a librarian when she tried to shush my son. Top-of-lung scream, as in, I couldn't go louder if I tried. Same for online games, either typing or if there's voice chat, voice. Once I was at LAX and was having a bad day at the tail end of a trip and amidst delays started chewing out the staff for letting those terminals be so fucking ugly and dirty and gross, floors and ceilings both. I told my mom that I hated her and that I wish she were dead, and I wished upon her that when she did die, that it be a long and painful death. At this point I don't even have a filter. If somebody upsets me in the slightest manner, I lash out 100-fold. I've been able to avoid any of this at home with my wife and kids or at work, but anywhere else has been triggering me. What's wrong with me? I seriously have it all and most people would be jealous of my position. I don't want to be or feel like this anymore. How do I get out of this? Also, I'm not suicidal or homicodal. I'm zero-physical violence and I really doubt that my verbal escapades will lead to that. I've never hit, kicked or pushed anyone, but verbally has been fair game. Obviously many of you will say "go see someone" but honestly I don't think that anyone would be able to understand how fucked up my brain is right now. I don't drink, I'm thin but unfit. I know I need to exercise more. I get 8 hours of sleep, have a normal blood pressure and am in generally good health. Any and all ideas and comments welcome.
Well, it sounds like you have a hole in your life you can't fill with anything that's material. Have you let God in?
For me, "letting god in" is the same thing as "putting my head in the sand and pretending all will be okay" I'm too sophisticated to believe in God. It isn't real, though I agree that faith helps, but faith is fake.
If you had experienced the benefits of prayer & the peace that is provided, perhaps you'd change your mind. I don't live with my head in the sand but I live at peace because I know it's all going to be set right in the end. PS: the good guys win
Time to see a therapist and get some meds. You're obviously experiencing a depression. You might end up taking it out on your wife and kids so it'd be nice if you went to see therapist before. You know even if all you do is blow some steam on the therapist it's still better than on your family. That said, I agree with you. Life sucks and money and material well being can't make it up. My heart sinks when I see all the suffering around me, the hobos sleeping in the train while I'm on the way back to my high rise condo in which I cry myself to sleep because I hate life so much. Life is shit and no amount of pleasure/happiness can make it up for the pain we have to endure. But that's no good reason to negatively impact the people surrounding us.
Thanks for your kindness.
Having lived with depression 20 years and exhibited many of the same behaviors (eg road rage) I second the comment. Therapy and medication may help. For me exercise, getting out in nature, and helping others does much more than the 20mg of Prozac I take daily. I volunteer at a hospice and helping someone takes the sting of how fucking messed up the world is for just a few moments. Best of luck, OP.
Try taking a break from work for 6 months and spend sometime alone without family in some other part of the world where English is not the main language.
That's pretty drastic!
I aint no doctor but it does sound like you need meds. go see a psychiatrist and discuss options. you can start with a low dosage and see how it works for you. you may need to try a few different meds until you find the one. its okay to seek help. depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain, and not something you just snap out of. counseling is meh... stellar therapists that really make a difference in one's life exist, but they are few and far between. a few years back, I was where you are. the meds helped a lot, but they are not a silver bullet. i dealt with it taking a 2 month break and going to an ashram in India. I understand that's hard when you have a family. but it really worked for me. in fact, it worked so well I want to do it again soon. even if you can't afford to be out for 2 months, a long break is always helpful. have a plan for what to do with the time though. I know of people who went to a poor country to volunteer for a few weeks and found that to be a great experience.
Try meditation and exploring the spiritual part of life. By having it all, you mean what other people in your life have told you to have to be successful? Perhaps the resentment comes from having achieved what you've been told should make you happy. Recommend watch some Videos on what truly makes people happy in life (hint research indicates 3 main things) and then experiment and try those things to see how they impact you.
You need a therapist. Better start now before it's too late.
I empathize with what you said at the start. I feel similarly too. As for how you deal with it, I think therapy may help. I didn't used to. I thought therapy was for weak people who couldn't fight through their irrational minds. Then I broke down and couldn't take it anymore, and went to a therapist. It has helped me see things in different perspectives, more healthy perspectives. It honestly surprised me how much that helped over the course of a year, and I am a calmer person as a result. If nothing else, a therapist will just listen to you rant, the same way Blind users would read your rants.
This sounds like depression mixed with burnout. I feel this way too sometimes; more and more frequently, actually. I also share your fantasy about going somewhere with no neighbors and chilling out. It has inspired me to focus on becoming financially independent and retiring as early as I can, because most of my stress comes from work. The idea that someday I might be free of this is the only thing that gets me up in the morning. Maybe doing things that get you closer to your ideal life (saving for your plot of land with the fast internet connection, researching where you might find that land, etc.) could help bring some joy. I wish I had something more surefire for you. It's a tough situation, but know that you're not alone.
My anxiety levels are super high all the time, I'm surprised I've managed to get here at all! I have enormous imposter syndrome and feel like the rug is going to be pulled from underneath me any moment. Yeah, counting down to my next career/situation is a good idea. But it's also a source of stress because I derive a LOT of comfort from my cash flow and I live frugally. Definitely burnt out.
First let me say that if you need an ear, pm me and I'll buy you a beer and listen. I'm much the same (age, income, marital status) as you, and am finding myself way more optimistic about life than ever. Second, take everything we say here with a grain of salt. The world can seem heavy and when someone says little things like, take a vacation, or get a hobby ..... It can be a lot to take. But little things can help. Do you have any goals? They can be meaningful like, to volunteer 1000 hours, or meaningless like trading in your sports car for a faster one. I can tell you my goal that set me on a better path, at least temporarily, but what's yours?
Having a flashy car ended all of my material aspirations! I learned so much from that car experience. This was the first step to 'everything is bs'. Then I sunk lower after having kids, because I started harboring resentment toward my own parents for raising me with such idiotic ideas, though loving. Then the divorce sunk me to a new low that I haven't really recovered from even though I clearly did bounce back with a new and better life partner and another adorable child. I love my children more than I can love anything else! But I'm super scarred (yes, 2 r's) and jaded from life's pains and curveballs.
My divorce scarred me. It's a bad story. I'm craving a sports car now, even as I know it won't provide any happiness. I've been through the nihilistic phase but I think I've come through it. I don't have answers but I find reasons to get up and smile every morning. I love my daughter and will provide and protect her till my dying day. But she doesn't provide meaning. I'm ok without meaning, but I do need challenges and goals. I have no allusions about them, but achieving them makes me happy and I think a better person. I'm serious about the beer. I'm in seattle and will meet you wherever.
Get professional help, maybe a few long talks with long time friends about it.
thanks for sharing