Putin, Zelensky, and Xi Trash Talk

(With guest appearance by Modi due to popular demand) Zelensky: wassup Vladimir! Putin: Yo, Vladimir! Zelensky: It’s Volodymyr now Putin: I’ll keep getting it wrong because your name is stuck in my head from the days when I saw you on KVN in Moscow around 2000. Zelensky: I think it is amazing how both of us climbed to the top despite our humble beginnings. Putin: With your stature, I can sympathize with your having to play less-than-masculine roles as an actor just to pay rent. But that acting skill has really paid off. Zelensky: I’m not acting right now. Putin: Thats what I’m talking about! That’s Oscar-worthy! Hahahahaha Zelensky: At least I could find myself a woman before I turned 30. With your stature and late age of marriage, I fully expected you to be marrying a 5ft tall Asian. Xi: Woah, hold on my Russian friends, that was so racist. Besides, Asians are not short. Look at me! Putin: We are having a man-to-man talk about the struggles of being a short white man. You have no idea. Zelensky: yeah and I’m Ukrainian not Russian. Xi: Oh my bad, but you were speaking Russian and white people look the same. But struggles of a white man?! All I see is white privilege. Putin: Look whose talking about privilege! A princeling who started out tall and with a powerful dad. You have no clue about life as an average Vladimir. Zelensky: And the idea of white privilege is so woke that it is practically commie. Ah, look who I am talking to. Putin: You see Xi, both of us Vladimirs had to develop our own talents in order to find a wife. I can sing, dance, play the piano, speak two other languages, play judo, and I still go the gym everyday. Even then it wasn’t easy. I was an incel throughout my twenties. Zelensky: And I had to make a fool of myself onstage just to get laughs. After I got famous, some girls still rejected me because they thought my performance was gay. Xi: Yeah well, I could have had talents too, but I was too busy with work. My second wife though is a famous singer. Zelensky: That’s what we are talking about. You get a talented wife but we have to be talented to get a wife. Putin: And you got to get a second wife back when you were a nobody. See that is privilege. Xi: Well, I am rejuvenating my country. But you had that gymnast hottie Alina Kabaeva as a girlfriend. Putin: No I didn’t. Don’t believe lies. Xi: You are telling me that you were faithful to your wife before your divorce? Putin: We had an amicable divorce and she is happily with her new husband while I give up the rest of my life to Russia. Zelensky: But Xi, for your own good you really should get more active. That pot belly makes you look like the Kims in Korea. China expects many more years from you. Try learning salsa like Maduro. Even Modi does yoga to shore up the low intellectual potential of his country. Modi: Zelensky is a racist Nazi! Putin: Or just try actually singing your own party anthem. When you stand at your party’s centennial with a stern face and closed mouth while the Internationale is playing, it looks like you don’t really wanna be commie. If you sang, I think it can really break some stereotypes for Asian men. Xi: Some people had enough to eat and nothing to do so they point fingers at me. I’m going back to work 996-traditional Chinese style which white people can’t withstand. Modi: You think Bharat doesn’t work hard? Hello 👋, the most populous nation in the world is neither white nor Asian. Stop ignoring brown people especially Hindoos.