I got lost and have no motivation working in IT
27 yo, overall experience about 6 years. Bachelor in Applied Math. I have an OCD, but mild one (got therapy in the past). I don’t think I burned out (put a tag anyway), just don’t feel any engagement in tech anymore. I am able to work as an average tech-guy, I can even get some positive emotions doing my job well, but no permanent satisfaction. I remember last time I felt motivated when I have been interviewing, but when I got an offer I immediately lost interest in further work or I usually switch into «I’m just doing my job» mode after 2-3 months. Corporate culture looks like an extreme cringe to me. I detest when companies try to hold you and make you feel «hey, we are MORE than company» «Don’t you like Virtual coffee via Zoom? Oh maybe you need some mindfulness with your colleagues at 9 a.m?» Please, I have my life, I have my friends and I don’t need this «let’s become friends» shit at work. I don’t consider myself as toxic or cynical, I’m being honestly nice with other people when I’m at work until someone try to make me involved in corporate culture more that I need to do my job. I’ve never been a big fan of tech, just got into that because of money, more or less interesting job and my hope in future. 2-3 years ago I realized that the majority of tech is «Creating one interface to another interface», and I don’t know how to get rid off such thoughts. It stops me from further development of myself in tech, same pattern, same business and management problems. I try to make my own project for fun, as a playground for anything that could catch my eye, but it’s hard to me doing full-time job. My personal life is pretty chaotic and has high level of uncertainty. I don’t know where I want to settle down, I don’t know how to find a soul mate and fell in love (broke up a year ago). It hurts to see others have their normal life, smiling and don’t understand, why I am so serious often or, worst case, say to me/others like me: «just keep your head up, everything will be fine SOON!». I’m living abroad now. No plans. Hobbies (learning languages, reading book about history of religions origin) only make me feel more that tech is a crap with no real creativity and freedom of mind. I don’t hate tech, it’s a part of my life and I love it sometimes, I just feel that my time is running out and I have no tomorrow. I tried psychotherapy, but it didn’t help much tbh. I feel that it’s replacement activity as I don’t have fundamentally stable and fulfilling life. Thanks for reading this, I don’t even know what others could give me as an advice, but if you want to say something, go ahead. I’m ok with jokes as well, not a snowflake at all. I still hope things could get better, but every night in bed I imagine myself falling down from above. #burnout #depression #mentalhealth
I feel the same too, have no idea why I can't be like the masses just going with the flow of life without thinking too much like this. But masses love the pursuit of money, which keeps them occupied, but if the pursuit of money doesn't excite you, then you are probably doomed. Maybe one should not overthink all this, otherwise it feels completely hopeless.
You said you got into tech because of the money even though you never liked it much. Now you have no motivation. Would you trade the tech money for motivation? Maybe following some passion with shitty pay? Otherwise it's like wanting to have the cake and it eat too.
I wish I had that passion. I got some passion of being SE at the beginning, but realizing all this stuff I got to the current state of mind. Ofc having certain plans also great, but I guess many parts of my life depend on things I can’t control. That’s the case.
Why not take a sabatical then? If you have nothing holding you back, go backpack around the world. You can always go back to tech and you might find something somewhere.
Are you Indian? Cuz your upbringing, culture, and parents may have had an influence on you. RIP 5’6 Indian.
I think this is a pretty normal feeling, so first I’d like to help you remove the stigma for feeling this way. There’s nothing wrong with it. Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate lack of motivation from an overwhelming amount of thoughts in your head. Do you have a lot of different mental “threads” going? Do all of those mental threads originate from or end up in a worry about something? Up from the age of 19 through the age of 28, I had some very similar feelings and one of the best thing I did for myself was to “waste” a year of my life trying to get to better know myself deeper than “oh I don’t have have motivation”. I found it very helpful to keep digging and digging. Sample conversation to parse through my internal narrative: Why don’t I have motivation right now? Oh I’m overwhelmed with all these mental threads. For each thread, what about this thought overwhelms me? What’s the best case and what’s the worst case? I also tried everything for what it’s worth... I went to group and individual therapy, tried meditation, etc. The only thing that helped me was to constantly introspect and figure out my mental narratives. And by simplifying my life (and at that time my work), I consciously started reducing these threads, until only a few threads remained. As the open mental threads receded, my motivation and most of all my energy for life started increasing. I do want to warn, this was not easy. Reducing mental threads is a pain staking, time sucking process that will feel frustrating for the first month or two. This was 2013 for me. Over the last 7 or 8 years, I’ve been able to take on an increasing amount of mental load but my approach hasn’t changed. I feel happier both personally and professionally. Since everyone on Blind is always using a professional yard stick to measure themselves, I’m currently a L8 (rose up through the SDM track). But I want to emphasize, my professional success was a byproduct of my approach, it was never because I was driven or focused on achieving it. Hope this helps!
This is very impressive, Uebruudeb. Sometimes to cut out the outside & inner noise, we really have to simplify our life. The key sentence that stood out for me: "..one of the best thing I did for myself was to "waste" a year of my life trying to get to better know myself deeper.. "
No problem with going to work to do work and then leave to enjoy your life. Although it does sound like you may be feeling bored and unchallenged. Maybe you would be happier doing more demanding work, in the sense that it requires more involved thinking and captures your attention? For me I remember working front end for a quarter and I was bored to tears as I didn't find it as interesting as back end development. Maybe you would feel more invigorated with a similar change in work? Idk just a suggestion.
I could have written this post myself. I even have the same hobbies I wish I had a solution :(
Have you ever considered working with something that makes more sense to you? You probsbly have made enough money by now to pursue a masters or PhD in something more meaningful to you
Oh damn I feel ya. I feel the same way. I’m just working to get paid. I work at FANG and their culture make me cringe too. I just put on a fake nice face and smile until I’m ready to gtfo