Toxic blinders, I call upon you to beat me up with your tough love and get me to stop feeling bad about myself. - I grew up below the poverty line in the US, a family of 5 with combined household income of $13K annually, sharing a 500sf 1-bedroom cockroach infested apartment. - I had a narcissistic, gaslighting and physically abusive father, who would beat up my mom and my siblings. Police put him in jail after my older sister called the cops on him. - Older sister is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, is emotionally volatile, and would also beat me up even after my dad left. She has addictions, thinks the world owes her something, and actively resents me bc of how different our life outcomes have been. - I wrote college essays about how much my life sucked and got into two Ivy League schools (Columbia, Princeton) for undergrad and grad. This caused my sister to hate me even more. She flunked out of school and has never properly been gainfully employed. - We grew up with no support systems. No aunts, no uncles, no cousins, no grandparents. No family friends or neighbors due to my narcissist and physically abusive father trying to isolate us. Very isolated. I was an introvert and escaped into books / schoolwork as escapism from my abusive family life. Was a scholarship student at a private school for rich kids and hid my home life from everyone. - My Super conservative, hyper religious mother blamed me for “ruining her life” after dad left following his domestic violence prison stint. She is very verbally abusive to this day, calling me a wh***, son of ***, b***, and a worthless slu* everytime I’ve introduced her to a romantic partner. Mom is also financially abusive — sees me as her retirement fund. Made me empty my bank account to buy her a house (but she put the deed in my older sister’s name because she thinks my sister needs inheritance since I can take care of myself). Mom has remarried and now financially abuses and verbally abuses my well-meaning (formerly widowed) step-dad. - I’ve had high profile well paying jobs in Wall Street and Silicon Valley (Investment banking and big tech). However, I’ve been functionally fired from every single job I’ve ever had because of conflicts with my supervisor. - I’ve started doing therapy and I suspect my inability to hold down a job is related to my PTSD, anxiety, depression and various conditions of childhood trauma. I don’t do well with authority figures or rules. I’ve always denied and resisted the idea of my failings relating to my childhood because I’ve spent most of my life blocking out my dysfunctional family. But I don’t think I can be avoidant about it anymore. It’s indisputable that I am booksmart / intelligent, and that I produce very high quality work. But I lack soft skills. people (especially supervisors) hate me. Peers tend to like me. I suspect I’m on autism spectrum as well. I lash out at people at work when I see them playing office politics and I call people out on their bullshit. At first I thought I just had bad managers but now I think that the problem must be me. - I’ve had 2 long-term relationships (5 years, 3 years). I genuinely think that they both loved me and vice versa during the actual course of the relationships. However, during the actual breakup / separation of both of these two relationships, I’ve done really emotionally abusive things to both of them. I tuned into a different, vindictive, evil person during the breakups. To the extent where they’ve gotten restraining orders against me after I’ve dumped them. I’m sad because I feel like whatever shit happened to me in childhood has left me into such a non-functioning adult. I’ve lived my whole life determined that my past / family wouldn’t define my future and that hope is what kept me going. But now I am depressed and resigned. I am a failed adult and there’s no one to blame but myself. I somehow get these good jobs but I just can’t keep them bc it seems that the toxic gaslighting of corporate culture at work triggers me into behaving erratically or unprofessionally to the point where my supervisors hate me or I get fired. I honestly think I am a decent girlfriend but I become crazy during break ups. I’m 29 and single. I don’t even want to date anyone anymore because I’d feel bad for whoever winds up with me. Sometimes I feel suicidal. I’m the problem. It’s me. I don’t fit into society. I keep getting good jobs but then getting into supervisor conflicts. I think if I had grown up well adjusted maybe I could have used my natural intelligence to be successful. But everything triggers me and I just self-sabotage. I feel like a broken toy. Unfixable. I’m in a stage of self-pity and giving up (bc I feel like my childhood trauma is not fixable). I’m very self aware but I lack impulse control. I may have inherited the bipolar disorder or the anger management issues from my dad/sister. But the psych won’t diagnose me with them bc they think I just have many ptsd triggers. Regardless, I still don’t fit into society as a sane, functioning adult. I fixated on TC bc I grew up poor. I have a good NW at 29 despite getting fired so many times bc of getting high TCs since I was 22. But I feel like I don’t have a sustainable or lasting future.
Points for self awareness... I suggest continued professional therapy, and a deliberate program of doing nice things for random others. The former for self improvement, and the latter to give you a positive internal narrative for times when you feel really bad about yourself.
A lot of sympathy goes out to you, what a tortured upbringing that you didn’t deserve. Continue professional therapy, shift your focus on other things ( that are not socially pressuring like family and relationships). Go travel, enjoy beautiful beaches in Europe, Hawaii, Florida, CA. Get into fitness, swimming, physical fitness outlet is a great release when you are mentally tortured. You need inner peace and toxic human relationships is not a good way to go. Write a letter instead of physical confrontation, like this Blind note you wrote, send that to your mom and sister to say that you need space. Create emotional distances
I'll give you some candor. You are a tough bastard. You went through all of that and are still among the living. You messed up some jobs yeah but you know your weaknesses. Keep working on yourself you bastard. You can look out for you and only you know the way forward.
if you’re the one doing the dumping why the other person is getting restraining order against you