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Vaccinations at the workplace
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Managers lead an easy life 🔥🔥🔥
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You are not going to like what I say ...
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I feel completely stuck. Over the last 2 years, I suffered a brain injury that fucked me up for 6 months and has given me chronic recurring vision issues; my dad died of a heart attack which completely tore apart my family; all four of my grandparents died which only compounded on top of my dad's death; my mom got in an accident that nearly killed her and will likely result in permanent nerve and eye damage; I lost my job (I joined Twitter a couple weeks before the Elon drama, signed my offer the day before my dad died lmao); my younger sister told me she's suicidal; my girlfriend of 7 years just left me because I'm too depressed. I thought before I was depressed and didn't know the purpose of life, but now I really don't what I'm doing here. I lack human connection. My girlfriend and I moved across the country for her graduate school. I have "friends" here but nobody I click with. It feels like I'm just passing the time until I die, and the thing is I wonder why I shouldn't just get it over with. I have a lot going for me in some senses: pretty decent savings and a new high paying job (though I hate it and generally am coming to hate tech more overall), extremely physically active and in-shape (but I have a bad leg that prevents me from running much), generally smart, well-read, and affable. I fluctuate between feeling like a complete piece of trash that deserves to die and feeling like a really genuinely cool person who just for the life of me can't fucking figure out how to make friends. I've felt lonely my whole life. My girlfriend was a social butterfly and I felt like she was my beard basically, letting me pretend that I was normal, but now that that's gone I have to face how utterly fucking alone I am. I don't get what I'm doing wrong I would love to quit my job / industry, but I also feel this inescapable need to make money in order to ever afford a home / attract a partner / provide for kids. I would like to move back to New York where I at least have a few friends, but I hated living there when I was younger. I would like to move somewhere cheaper, but I know how much I love the weather and outdoors here. I've tried a bunch of different activities to pick me up, but things just aren't fun when you're by yourself and depressed. More than anything I feel like I need deep human connection that I previously got from my dad and my girlfriend, but I just can't fucking figure out where to find it. People tell me I do cool stuff, but hardly ever anyone wants to join me. I'm even considering getting a job that requires part time in SF or NYC so that I can taste-test living in another city. As an illustrative example - I wrote a non-fiction book after my dad died as a coping mechanism. I spent nearly a year on it and found an interested publisher almost immediately and it'll probably get published next year. Hardly anybody, including my family, cared at all. My therapist told me that if she'd written a book at my age that her family would have thrown her a party and she feels sad for me. I'm not saying the book is particularly good, but come on, it's at least somewhat fucking cool right? Like I'm clearly capable of doing something interesting, but it just doesn't seem to matter. I feel like I must be some kind of alien at this point
What is your TC?
That’s a lot of crazy painful stuff. I’m sorry. I understand as I’ve experienced something similar with both parents passing. But if you end it, then you’d have nothing, so I think it’s best to figure out the way through. Listen to your gut and your body, and do that thing.
Shrooms and meditation. Conventional therapy takes way long.
Btw, I used to feel exactly as you do but came out of my chronic depression via modalities mentioned above. It was induced by childhood trauma (growing up with abusive alcoholic father in poverty), loss of both parents before 25, stress of moving to US and establishing here. Non of my family cares about my success either lol... because they are so head down trying to hold their shit together (I think). Life is overall pleasant now. In fact social situation is improving actually, it just takes time to make friends as an adult with mental issues in a large city. I do have a spouse (loner with a lot of issues also) and a kid,second on the way, but it is not an escape from loneliness when it really comes to it. I still feel not normal often and struggle to kick certain forms of self harm (addiction to browsing web and watching TV for instance). I will work actively on my mental health again after kid 2 is born and I stop breastfeeding.
Be vocal about what you going through and what you are looking for to the people around you. You never know who might be just looking for the same but scared to talk about. May be joining meetups and opening up to some people may help
I tried committing suicide before. Understand this People don’t kill themselves because they hate themselves or their life, they do it because they hate the situation they’re in. You have one life, if you’re not happy then change your situation. You may have it bad, but you still have it better than most. You have the opportunity to make changes in your life that can make you happy.
I would suggest going home to recover and rebuild. Most tech jobs have hybrid/remote schedules. Starting over takes time, rest and emotional processing. This isn’t something that can be rushed. Group therapy is another option to find human companionship with people who can relate. At least it’s a start, and it sounds like just starting something will get things moving again.
🫂. We see you. We hear you. You are not alone. You'll be fine Set up a link. I'd be happy to buy your book. Take care
Join brain injury support groups at any rehabilitation hospital or run by some nonprofits. It might help you.
You’ve had a lot of shit happen, and you also have a ton going for you. Both things can be true, and you seem like a genuinely good person who is just trying to figure out life. You didn’t mention it, but have you started going to therapy? Hardest part is just to begin, most Insurance now allows for 24/7 calls to a therapist, so you can start talking to someone today, and then you can work on finding one that is more local to you. Talk to a therapist TODAY. Life is a roller coaster, stay on this crazy ride of life! We need YOU!