We are decent people. We make a great team generally - we are attracted to each other and can communicate 7/10 times. But, we have personality differences that we haven’t made any progress on. He is a workaholic - he worked the first night together after marriage, forget honeymoon, he dint spend the night talking to me. He hates planning about progress, future, each other’s likes / dislikes, expectations and aspirations. He doesn’t believe in high points in life, he doesn’t like to celebrate anything really. He really really finds me and my salary attractive. He thinks I am smart and he feels proud of me being self made. But I seem to feel disconnected often - he is there, and that’s great, but I am way below his work in terms of priorities. He is possessive, after work, sports and sleep, he wants me. But even if he is busy, he wants me in the house or he keeps calling. He is fairly successful and I like that, but I am just as successful, and my work pressure doesn’t come in the way of prioritizing him. It was our anniversary on Saturday, and he had booked a restaurant months ago. He gets points. But he took up work on behalf of 3 members of his team ( that’s 4x work for him) and could not push it out because either he lacks the skills to say no or just couldn’t. I will never know. But well he stayed absent mentally, with lots of hugs and smiles in between, just no conversations in several days. Plain absent. He was sleep deprived and tired. There was an awkward silence between us, we exchanged a few artificial smiles out of caution and each time I started a conversation he found a way to shut me up, with a rude remark - showing his disapproval. He was upset about me not being ready X number of hours before it was time to start driving, he was upset about me using the time to take pictures and that I wasn’t happy with pictures. He was not pleased with a very expensive gift I purchased, and he kept on saying things that were funny to him, but remarks at me and my choices. He said you say you want to make it special for me but you do what you like to do. Some of the things I like to do/ tried on Saturday - 1. tried taking a very good picture of the two of us since this was tenth anniversary, a milestone 2. Asked him to think of new vows 3. Asked him to exchange notes on what we were both looking forward to 4. I asked when he would be free so he could relax He was just irritated and rude. I got a request to join a live site incident from work but it was a no brainer for me to opt out since I was at my anniversary dinner. But right that moment he started saying how I disapprove of his work ethics but want his shiny salary and that both cannot work together. He also doesn’t want kids just because of the work involved and he mentioned it to me. I got uncontrollably emotional and broke down in public, and I think the waiter observed me even though we had a corner table. He got mad at the embarrassment I caused, lectured me there, which made my tears flow down even more, and then he paid and stormed off. Hungry I know this sounds totally fixable, but I can’t even explain how lonely his work makes me. He hasn’t changed in ten years, he won’t change. He has had a low paying job and he worked the same. I am thinking of seeking therapy. I am lost and lonely. Combined TC - 800k
You said he doesn't want kids and you brought them up in this post. That's a major deal breaker for most people to not align on kids, religion, finances, will/testament. Never go to bed upset, and keep things unsaid. Seeking help is good step forward. Good for you to acknowledge you need to care for yourself. Good luck. ...in sickness and in health blah blah and also when work is crap blah blah...
“I know this sounds totally fixable.” No, it doesn’t to me. It sounds abusive and insensitive. You want different things in life, and he seems entirely unwilling to take the time to understand what you want. He seems to think his income justifies poor treatment of you. And he seems really committed to his way of doing things: the Ebeneezer Scrooge path. You have 800k combined income, why on earth would either of you put earning more over your happiness? Yes, therapy. Don’t shy away from the possibility of divorce. Be open about that possibility. If you aren’t you’re almost guaranteeing it will happen. If you are, and you are honest about your willingness to walk away, there’s a chance he might change. Being lonely in a marriage is the worst. When you’re single and lonely, there’s always a chance someone will walk around the corner. When you’re lonely in a marriage, you either have to work through a lot of things or leave. If it helps, think about the young little version of you. Her hopes and dreams. Your adult job is to protect and nurture her. And staying with this guy, as he is. is hurting her badly.
Exactly! How is this fixable? The way I read your post, it sounds like there are major issues in your relationship. You aren’t on the same page even with basic things like kids, priorities in life, and so on. To be honest this sounds like staying married is making both of you super miserable. So either you go for couple’s counseling or you would end up bitter or splitting up.
So…10 years into a relationship…you finally asked about kids? And he never indicated he didn’t want them before? Either both of you are naive (to not discuss things sooner) or one of you is manipulating the other (likely him manipulating you).
Oh. Also, he can’t even be by himself in the house while he is working. He is scared of being lonely. That’s why he keeps you around. Break the fuck up.
I married at 22, I dint want kids then, couldn’t even imagine. I was naive. But also, I was not able to see life ahead. Now, I need support from him, I would like to have a child. I would like the three of us to be one unit. I changed, not him. He said he wants me happy and said okay for a baby once, but advised against it “as a friend” because he won’t be available. My priority is him, above my work, above everything. For him, it is work, sports, self-care and me in that order.
Frankly, it's not sustainable. I think he is immature. The busiest CEO would tell you to take care of family first as that is what belongs to you. Job is just a means to that end(personal life)
Take a small break from him, his work, your work. Try to relax. Go somewhere chill. Maybe that will give you time to process your feelings and help in the next step.
I agree, it might also help him realise how he’s taking things for granted
Indian on H1B?
You need therapy. Seriously. Don't delay. Having/not having kids is a huge deal breaker. If you stay together and don't have kids, you will blame him. If you stay together and you have kids, your relationship become much worse if he doesn't prioritize family.
Leave Rajesh and get Andy
Chad you mean?
See a marriage/couples counselor.