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So long story short my parents are indian and had an arranged marriage. My dad just sits around the house and does nothing. He doesn’t go to work at all even tho he has a work. He can go if he wants but chooses not to and cites covid as his reason. Although he never worked before that either. So my mom is the breadwinner plus she cooks and does all the other tasks. All my dad does all day is use social media and annoy my mom after she comes home. My mom says i am her only hope. I am a couple of months away from graduating college and after I leave, she will be all alone with my dad and she doesn’t wanna stay with him. So her hope is i take her in or even after i get married i take her in. I am a female btw. And she said even if i dont take her in, she is gonna go back to India and live in a temple or a nursing home sorta thing. It’s sad to see your own mom go back in the home country and live in a temple all by herself. I wanna help her but idk if i am comfortable letting her in right after I graduate and start working. But I definitely understand why she doesn’t wanna live with my dad. He is so fucking annoying and doesnt do shit. Please be nice in the comments. Reply from any other indian would also be nice. Idk what to do. Edit: But as a new grad, i wanna explore more. I also need to find a bf to marry. Not many would be comfortable thinking that their spouse’s mom is gonna live with you as well right after you marry her. So idk. I think i will be trading my freedom and will be supporting me and my mom on my salary. Edit2: I want to take care of her. And guess what i am willing to pay everything for her after I graduate. She doesnt have to work and can just retire. She has gotten pretty weak even tho she is still young. I just dont know what that might have for my marriage. I will wanna date someone and bring them home but having my mom live with me is going to limit that. Idk how many guys are acceptable of that. Plus i worry that if i get a bf he will not be so comfortable living with my mom since day 1. I live in an apartment not a house. And will buy a house after i get settled. So living with your mom and your bf or husband on the same small apartment sounds awkward.
You(or someone else) has to either fix your dad or break your parents apart. That’s the first step. Sounds like your mom’s already made up her mind. Solve that first problem. Once that is final, you’ll have a better picture of the role you ‘may’ have to play. And your mom doesn’t “have to” live with you. She’ll just need your support. She can live separately and you can still support her. If she doesn’t agree to this, you make it clear to her that she can’t have both. Either she’ll have to adjust and live with her husband or agree to live separately and accept whatever support you are “able to” provide her. This is not “your” problem. It’s their problem. As a child you should be willing to offer support but you don’t have to make it your problem. There are many guys who will understand it if your parents are separated and your mom needs support. However she can’t live with you. She can live as close as a block away but not with you. She’ll the become a problem to you. My answer doesn’t have to be right so take what you like from it -Fellow Indian.
You can't open a door that another person has not unlocked in their heart. Moreover, people resent involvement with their difficult feelings. I agree with this guy that probably your Mom and you will not enjoy living together and soon you will both resent each other. Maybe communicate more. Wait and see. Be there for her and listen. Why rush? Why is she rushing you? Victims soon become bullies. See how things evolve. You can always let her move in later but it seems you already know and fear the fact that once you let her move in you will probably never be able to get her to move out.
Beautiful post. People who fail to raise their children properly surely deserve to be forced into depression and loneliness.
Looks like more than your would be, you seemed to be not comfortable with your mom staying with you (before or after marriage). Have seen many women who wants to take care of their parents even after their marriage and have that as one of the factor while looking for a match, sorry to say but you are a disgrace.
I want to take care of her. And guess what i am willing to pay everything for her after I graduate. She doesnt have to work and can just retire. She has gotten pretty weak even tho she is still young. I just dont know what that might have for my marriage. I will wanna date someone and bring them home but having my mom live with me is going to limit that. Idk how many guys are acceptable of that. Plus i worry that if i get a bf he will not be so comfortable living with my mom since day 1. I live in an apartment not a house. And will buy a house after i get settled. So living with your mom and your bf or husband on the same small apartment sounds awkward.
@NVIDIA she’s not a disgrace, you’re fucking old fashioned. She’s graduating college and is actually worried about her parents at a young age, which most kids don’t feel obligated to. She needs her space to grow and explore on her own and it’s ridiculous to assume it’s easy with a parent in the house. Give her advice that works or stfu
Is this a social experiment? Changing the genders of the earlier post.
I am a female. I never changed it in the post. Idk what you are talking about
There is no simple answer. No black or white. There's a lot of grey area here. But to help you evaluate let me point out a few things: 1. Would you rather satisfy a bf that doesn't exist yet or your mother that brought you up and gave you everything? 2. If your mother lives with you, does it stop you from chasing further studies/alternatives? It might *limit* certain options but it doesn't stop you. 3. Most of your scenarios are in the future. Why not solve for NOW first and then re-evaluate as things proceed? Perhaps have her over on a trial basis? See for a few months? 4. You can always stay over at the boys place instead of your own, if this is someone you'll marry, they'll eventually have to put up with your family sooner or later but till then this could work out? Lastly, life's always full of variables. Don't try to solve everything right now. Solve one thing and see how it pans out. Change is the only constant ☺️
Totally agree. Solve the problem at least for now. You may or may not get a guy, then think about all those scenairos. May be your mom automatically understands all this and plans something else after seeing you. Or you develop a much stronger bond.
This is the stupidest advice. It is of utmost importance to worry about the future. What if her parents separate and her mom.becomes completely dependent on her and would be helpless to do on her own. All these people who advise on moms come first, would choose their freedom over long stays at home. Before you blabber on with your crappy advises, please put yourself in OPs shoes, give it a bit of thought and think about the consequences.
If your mum can work and, more importantly, ENJOYS working (it’s good for her mental health?) then I’d say she should continue to work and you both can stay close by to each other (without your dad, of course!) For example, you could buy an apartment and she could rent one in the same block? It sounds like she is used to caring for others so her focus, if she’s not working, would be looking after you and your house. That’s not healthy, especially if you’re trying to date. She would also lose her independence and she sounds like that would be hard for her. That said, no solid, decent guy will turn you away if you’ve made that sacrifice for your mum. You’ll only lose the douchebags (which you didn’t want anyway) Your mum sounds like she’s had a hard life and sacrificed a lot for her family. Time to take care of her until she chooses to go back to India. Also, what’s so bad about her living in India in a temple? If that makes her happy then that should be the main thing, right? You can always visit.
Thank you for your feedback! But as a daughter and seeing how much she has sacrificed, i just cant see her go back. And i know she doesn’t wanna go back. She likes the luxury and the system of the US. She likes the environment, work culture etc. Her second last option would be going back to india. And last option is living with my dad that’s never gonna happen
I think you are overthinking too much too early. 1. Pursuit the best career goals. 2. Noone can't tell if your future bf/husband will adjust with you or your mother(since most of them are assholes, no offence to anyone but they are not that worthy to be thinking right now above your career and mom) but Indian mom adjusts with any tough situations. 3. Do wish you would find someone who understand human feelings more than his own selfishness. 4. Rest stuffs(which you might think are awkward infront of your mom) can be enjoyed on trips/tours maybe, no idea about anything just a thought. 5. Don't try to take your friends, who only does shit talk, too seriously about missing on enjoying life while living with mom. 6. You seriously need a good friend first who would help you with this suggestions rather than an online community and is more supportive to your choices in life. 7. Everything depends on persons perspective and the way to handle things. Everything is just a mere thoughts, no offence to either you or anyone else. Hope you have a great future ahead!
American culture does not see children and parents as owing each other anything. American culture is very focused on independence. American parents often say 18 years old and you're on your own for better or worse. American children expect their parents to make their own retirement. This is just a cultural difference. Most white guys see a young woman with a dependent live-in mother as an unhealthy and burdensome relationship. Please understand that this is a cultural thing. It's probably upsetting since you were raised in a different culture so maybe try to think about how different white people are with food to get an idea of how foreign culture can be haha. So, I think by letting her mom move in, then she will be turning off guys from a culture that thinks her mother shouldn't ask this of her. Idk what to say. Cultural differences are really hard.
If you take in your Mom, how long do you think it will last? How long does your Mom think it will last? Does she expect it's a permanent arrangement? Are you sure you know all the details of your Dad's feelings? Maybe soon after your Mom moves in with you, you will start to feel a little more sympathetic to you Dad. I'd recommend asking your Mom how long she expects to stay and I'd also recommend asking your Dad the tough question - your mom seems to paint him as terrible so you're going to rescue her and what does he think.
Probably forever. She doesn’t have anywhere else to go except back to india
It seems like a pretty huge step to take, then. Huge steps seem like the ones that always stumble. Have you considered taking the two of them to couple's therapy? If they have insurance it's probably free so might as well not waste that insurance money haha. Maybe your Dad is depressed by something your mom doesn't know about? I feel like there's a lot more info below the surface here and more root cause analysis couldn't hurt.
wait why can’t you go over to the guy’s place/live together at his place and not yours?
I feel if a person truly loves you the way you are he should not have problem with your mom staying with you. Considering she sacrificed throughout her life may be it is time to show her world. You can take her around so that she can live her life she always wanted like a free bird without what world is thinking or society will think. You have whole life in front of you to live and explore the world but I feel if we devote few years to somoene who sacrificed for us it will make her happy or may be you also. All people come and go in our life but person who always stays with us in any phase are our parents . Regarding marriage prospect I feel what is wrong if a mom stays with daughter when husband parents can stay so can a mother too. Just sending money and spending time with her are different things as unfortunately money can't buy loneliness or happiness. My 2 cents please ignore if not aligned with your thoughts.
Just live with your mom?
But as a new grad, i wanna explore more. I also need to find a bf to marry. Would you be comfortable thinking that your spouse’s mom is gonna live with you as well right after you marry her?
If he is a good guy, he will understand. You can weed out fckbois this way