Warning: Long post with no tldr Goals: - Let people in similar situations (OCD, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety) know they’re not alone - Get feedback from people who have improved in similar situations I’ve always been depressed. I remember being unhappy at even 5 years old. My father was an angry tyrant that beat me anytime I expressed myself or spoke, he would do the same for my brothers and my mom. He would bully me and everyone around him because he felt insecure. I spent most of my childhood in silence. I had no parenting, no emotional skills training, and no social skills training. My only creative outlet was making fun of other people, not a cool thing to do but an art form myself and other insecure kids practiced. My only pleasurable outlet in childhood was food, so I ate too much and was fat. I have always been angry and irritable. Years later, I realize that I have PTSD from childhood because I could be beaten at anytime for anything, and emotionally abused constantly for no reason. My mother had a life-changing stroke when I was 11. She had weak capillaries in the brain due to a birth defect of my grandmother smoking during pregnancy, a normal things in the ‘40s. My mother was paralyzed on most of her left side. Amazingly, through lots of physical therapy she could manage to walk and still hold a job. She had a major stroke every few years afterwards and had to relearn how to walk and talk again. She was a strong woman, but not strong enough to stand up to my dad and do the smart thing of leaving him. The whole time throughout her struggle my father yelled at her, threatened to beat her, and actually did beat her a few times. Screaming was a normal thing in my household. Eventually by 20, my mother was in a nursing home and a shell of her former self. The meds they gave her took away her spark and made her seem like a ghost of her former self. She died when I was 22. I never told her I loved her because I was afraid to be vulnerable, I treated her poorly (Verbal only) because I was copying my father. In high school, I started talking with bad kids because that’s the only people that would talk to me. I was expelled for drugs and had to go to military school. Getting away from my parents and getting parenting vicariously through other kids was one of the happiest points of my life. The structure allowed me to exceed. Military school was better than my home life, go figure. The brainwashing aspects of it took a few years to wear off, and the discipline remained. The hazy cloudy feeling of depression kicked in for me at around 21. I couldn’t concentrate or remember things well. My appetite was enormous and I gained a lot of weight. I beat the heck out of my body to get through grad school. I went FT grad school and FT work at the same time. It was very hard. I had dreams every night of unsolvable problems and being forced to make decisions. I would get stuck in loops in my dreams for hours every night, where I couldn’t make a decision. This lasted for all of grad school and up to about 6 months afterwards. I started developing OCD symptoms of double checking that I’d locked the door. I had no real friends until about 24. I would subconsciously push people away because everyone that was supposed to love me either beat me or died. Once I started developing social skills, it was great. I had actual tools to improve my situation. I made my first real set of friends, all of which I still talk to now. My experiences on X and Acid gave me deep introspection into how to love and why to love. In mid-twenties, I had enough of corporate life and the medium-sized city I moved into for college. Decided to sell everything I own, get in my car, and travel the USA. By this point I had some OCD symptoms of not touching door handles without a paper towel. Arrived in SF back then and the energy was electric! People were actually cool and interesting back then. Nobody was in a hurry or just talking to you because they wanted something from you. Was vibing with some of the coolest people I’ve ever met. Made some good friends for partying. Had a few one night stands up to that point, but never a relationship. Met a cool German girl but friend-zoned myself with lack of game. Hung out with her everyday for 6 months. Signals were obvious sometimes and could have made moves on multiple occasions, just didn’t know how to. She was a therapist, and we talked about a lot of our issues. I started taking meds (Meds made me happy and gave me lots of energy, but felt artificial). OCD symptoms of double checking doors and not touching door handles went away. She went back to Europe, I was depressed. I traveled for a few months around the world. Came back and hung out with my party friends. Took 6 months off to walk around SF, chill, and lose weight. Got in good shape. Met my first actual girlfriend and started my first six-figure job. Life was good. Worked hard for 2 years to save up money to travel the world. Dumped my ex, poor girl, still talk to her now. Traveled the world for over a year. Learned a lot about myself, saw beautiful things, learned about cultures, lost weight, and dated widely. Weened off meds towards the end and life got tougher. More irritable, more tired, and found myself not making eye contact with others. Also, OCD symptoms of double checking doors and not touching door handles returned. I was now in my 30s and off meds back in SF. My 2nd girlfriend ever, had traveled with me on the trip around the world and was living with me in SF. My company was full of incompetent people and I told myself I wanted to work with the best. I wanted to work at Google. I did interviews at Facebook for practice and failed miserably. My skills were lacking and I wasn’t saying the things I needed to say. I spent the next 4 years spending all of my waking time to get into Google. I studied everything and interviewed everywhere. I faced doubt and rejection constantly. I was fired from my job with incompetent people for telling my director that I didn’t want to work on a project they wanted me on because it wasn’t a worthwhile project and something I already built for the same problem was far superior. I dumped my 2nd gf soon after because we were fighting a lot and I didn’t want to get married (She was on a tourist visa and can only stay if married). By this point I’m full blown anxious, have a panic attack about once a year. After a panic attack, the fear of another panic attack is debilitating for the next month or so. Power through it, or so I think. I worked the next 2 years unpaid studying in a library to get into Google. I immersed myself in some of the hardest theory and coding in the world. I met my 3rd girlfriend and she would listen to my problems, we had a lot of good times too. I had a self-made curriculum that I wanted to complete before interviewing. I developed urinary problems from stress acting out on the bladder. I’m peeing 20+ times a day by this point and know that I’m pushing myself too hard, but continue anyway. I’m having anxiety loop dreams every night. I realize all of my former party friends aren’t good people. They’re either addicts or haters. I give them 2nd chances a few times and end up disappointed. One of them dies from an overdose, feel sorry and angry at him at the same time. No local friends at this point because my friend bar is too high. I finished my self-made curriculum, by this point I’m 3 years into studying to get into Google with nothing to show for it. After the curriculum I interviewed everywhere, and failed often. Still, I learned more here and there and sharpened my skills. I interviewed at about 25 companies at the same time. At least 2 phone screens a day and 1 onsite a week (No phone screens that day). Got offers from a 2nd tier and a cushy government job. Work the 2nd tier job, people seem much more competent then what I’m used to. Pay is good. Proud to be part of something good. On the flip side, realize I have poor stakeholder skills and my boss isn’t helping me whatsoever with scope, visibility, or push back. A few weeks into the job and I’m working 80 hour weeks. I have no problem with that. I have a big panic attack where I literally have to hold my mouth shut to avoid screaming in an open office, muster the strength after a few minutes to get out of the building. Take the next day and a half off. I’m working hard for 3 months straight and I see a random meeting invite with HR one day. I suck it up and show up. They have nothing on me and are fishing with random innocent things that they say are misconduct to see if I’ll bite and say something I shouldn’t. My boss doesn’t stand up for me and lies about meetings with him to push back (Says we didn’t have them when we did). HR lady asks me some personal questions about my urinary symptoms, I’m too burnt out by this point to tell them to fudge off for their invasive questions. They send me home for the week. They call me to fire me and with no just cause the HR lady falsely calls me a liar and say I lied about something (I didn’t). I call a lawyer and negotiate twice the severance because they asked me ridiculous personal questions and falsely called me a liar. I interview wildly again. Get an offer from a non-tier tech company. Nothing else going, I’ll take it. Seems easy. Everything is great for awhile. They hire a boss for me who is incompetent, she has never written a line of code in her life and knows no theory. What is she doing here? She micromanages me so she can take credit for my good work and make all bad work seem like it’s mine. She wants me to build terrible ideas she has and I pushback telling her why they won’t work. Voice my concern to my skip. He does nothing but sit in on a few meetings to cover himself. Get fired. Negotiate a better severance. By this point, it’s Covid, I’m interviewing at Google for the 3rd time, and my 3rd girlfriend ever is starting problems. I realize that most of my issues with past girlfriends are founded in them having to put up with me. I develop a phobia of heights and am worried that I’m going to jump if I go up to high heights. These are where intrusive thoughts start to really suck. Feel claustrophobic and trapped in situations I can’t avoid like heights or crowds. My 3rd ex wants to get married before her visa runs out. By this point, we’ve been dating for 3 years. She has been hanging out with me much less because she’s helping her single mother sister with her baby while there is no daycare during covid. I’m okay with the idea so long as prenup covers me, she is comfortable moving somewhere else if I get a job there, and she agrees to babysit less once daycares are open. Prenup lawyer says I’d have to pay her $50k per year of marriage in alimony or else judge will throw prenup out, and that she could fight me indefinitely in a divorce with a prenup and the lawyers would get everything I owned. Ex tries to negotiate the prenup with me with no leverage, says she doesn’t want to move, and says she wants to keep babysitting. Signs are clear that she needs to be dumped. Dump her. Now it’s covid, I’m still interviewing at Google, and I have no local friends or girlfriend. I move a few hours away to be near a childhood friend to have someone to hang out with. I get an offer from Google and am ecstatic!! I crushed it and begin to feel that the hard work paid off. My childhood friend is cool at first. I try to get back into the dating world but I’m anxious and fat, still fighting every step of the way. Start working at Google, get thrown into the fire right away. Have projects due on my 2nd week. No time for Tech Immersion fun that everyone else is doing. Working non-stop. I’m on one of Google’s few poor WLB teams and hate it. I power through to get to my year anniversary to switch teams. My boss throws me under the bus for not being able to manage the work of 10 people by myself. I’m having frequent panic attacks, I’m getting new phobias that I’m going to message a random coworker bad words in order to get fired. I’m getting panic from being near my home office. My former childhood friend I’m living near is insecure about how I worked hard my whole life and achieved things, and is trying to put me down in front of his friends, sever all ties. I’m not saying the last bit to cover my own insecurity, that’s what actually happened. I go on disability. The time off improves my anxiety and appetite. I find a therapist and shrink that are actually good, and there guidance seems to help. I’ve been seeing them since. I go back to work and immediately start looking for a new team. Interview for 10 teams, get 3 offers. Join a new team. Actual Google WLB, interesting product, and decent boss. Work hard to become a solid member of team. Develop the stakeholder skills I was lacking. Anxiety is still there and I find myself overworking. I last on the team and it seems that my coworkers respect me. Still, I’m developing new OCD phobias (Tall bridges, rivers, being in Google offices). Eventually, have so many OCD phobias that I can’t hang. I try to relax but everything is a challenge for me to overwork myself, even on travel. Doing nothing bothers me, the PTSD keeps me hypervigilent. Gets so bad, that I get 3 new OCD phobias in the same day (Rural areas, the dark, and fog). Realize that it’s time to slow down. Go back on short-term disability. Love my team and hate that I can’t do work, but need time to heal and fix myself. Now worried if my OCD and PTSD will improve. Realized that I pushed myself too hard and should have slowed down. Was trying my best. Think I can power through this. UPDATE 1 Realize that my anxiety is founded in not wanting to feel alone, and my brain distracts itself with phobias and hypervigilence when I’m alone too much. Basically, my brain goes into fight-or-flight mode to avoid the same type of loneliness I felt as a child. Focus now is on making friends, dating, and reducing stress. UPDATE 2 Found a great gf, that’s very supportive. Found a stable place to live. Started taking meds, and they are very helpful. Was doing good for a bit, then overdid it one day and was near panic. This made me agoraphobic and unwanting to leave my house. The underlying fear is having a panic attack in public and feeling like I’ll lose control. Working now on leaving my home a few times a day for exposure therapy. Got up to an hour outside my home yesterday : ) UPDATE 3 Anti-depressants feel like their working, intrusive thoughts are less sticky. I carry anti-anxiety meds too, good to have in case I’m near panic. Walking outside my home for 3 hours a day now. Looking for a new therapist that specializes in Exposure Therapy to help get me out of the house and beat my other phobias. GF is still very supportive. UPDATE 4 Anti-depressants working well. Exercise and staying out of the house as much as possible is doing a great job for the anxiety! Pushing the boundaries of my exposure everyday. Walking towards feared object 1/4 way, 1/2 way, 3/4 way, etc. Standing next to feared objects for 30 minutes is great. Telling myself that “I’ve gotta do what I gotta do” and that “I won’t be bullied by Anxiety” is working too. Socializing gets me out if my own head. GF dumped me, my anxiety may have been too much to handle, her loss. UPDATE 5 Did a lot of exposure during last few days while I miss ex-gf. Very anxious after the exposure, trying not to overdo it. Trying not to stay at home or in my head to long, will allow ruminating. Found that talking with others about things unrelated to my mental health is great for not ruminating. UPDATE 6 Currently a month into an Intensive OCD program. Seems to be working. They are teaching me all kinds of tools to handle my OCD, and are giving me a great set of exposures to attack my core fears. UPDATE 7 2 months into Intensive OCD program, symptoms have dropped drastically. Know how to handle things better now without panicking. Starting to get real sleep too. UPDATE 8 4 months into Intensive OCD program, 95% of symptoms gone. Don’t get close to panic very often. Some things are still tough. Sleeping a lot better. Found a new girlfriend. UPDATE I wrote a doc on how to ‘beat’ Mental Illness https://www.patreon.com/posts/how-i-beat-82640925
See yourself connected. See yourself as a whole.
It feels like a feel good "whitewashed" story you have made for yourself.
Wow, you must be fun at parties 🙄
You seem like the one who says something about someone to win approval from others at parties
That is a lot to unpack and perhaps tech is too stressful for you.
Can't believe I actually read the whole thing! I don't have anything to say that will help but thanks for sharing There's comfort, however misplaced, in knowing there are other people with problems similar or worse out there
Good for you for working hard to get somewhere better in life. Sorry to hear it's been so stressful and damaging. I worked my way up from $50,000 to $600,000 in annual comp and $5k to 1.4M in assets, and at times it was brutal. There are things that were probably a mistake and not worth the damage I took for the money. If I could give you any advice I'd say remember to take care of yourself too. Good luck.
How do you bump your pay to 600k? This is incredible. Do you do business on the side?
No, I found consulting was a TC-lowering distraction. I did the same "work your way up" thing most people here did. failed startup then Google at 100k then a 2nd tier company which was on a bull run with its stock and got me to 400k then a couple companies that didn't do well but were valubale experience Then Meta lvl 7 at 600 (not anymore since their stock dropped) The money is nice but sanity is nicer. :)
Apart from the therapist girlfriend I don’t see mention of you undergoing therapy anywhere else. You need help. Your quest to get into Google seems to last a really long time, and sounded like an obsession (might be connected to your OCD). Anyway, it sounds like you are tough as a nut, but if you want to improve your quality of life, you need to get professional help for your mental health issues.
Solid point. Been seeing my current therapist for 1.5 years. Great guy and teaching me lots of skills. Never clicked with the 3 therapists I had before that. Kinda interesting that G was an obsession in my Obsessive-Compulsive disorder.
Very interesting post. Sorry you had to deal with such childhood trauma. Question: I obviously picked up on the drive to work at Google but my question is why? Is it to prove something to yourself or maybe to others? I have friends at Google but honestly never had any desire to work there as the culture just doesn’t seem like it would fit with me. Just curious as to why out of all the cool and exciting companies in CA, you felt compelled to work at Google at all costs.
Honestly, the only attention I received as a child, for however brief, was achievement. I think I worked hard so subconsciously others would value me. Realize now how dumb and insecure that is. Haven’t spoke with my father in half a decade and never plan on talking to him again anyway, so no point. Lots of mental illness is defending yourself against threats you no longer have. Beyond the shiny trophy of a G job, wanted to work with competent people, which can be found elsewhere too.
Mental health channel also has people who have ADHD. Write your life story in a diary not here. Think about us!
Bruh there are better companies than Google Focus on yourself first You've overcome worse and this is just another obstacle imo
Tc?
Bruh