I am one of you, and I'm asking for your help.
I have worked in software for the past 16 years and counting, and what's happened to me in these years is really holding me back from the peaceful life I hoped (and still hope) to have. Dating back to before I even finished school, I have been threatened, violently assaulted, and harassed (sometimes even by ex-colleagues) in every job I've ever had: by clients, teammates, peers, and superiors. Of the dreams I can remember having, 80% are terrifying nightmares about what I've lived through. During these past years of WFH, I thought I was slowly healing and getting better, but my partner (of 14 years!) gently told me that I still wake him up due to running/thrashing around and sweating/screaming in my sleep. I have been drugged, I've been stalked, I've been forced to move homes, change my phone number, bury my personal information from search engines. I've worn fake engagement rings and wedding bands... nothing works. I do not dress or speak in a provocative way, nor do I do anything to invite attention outside of the usual professional pleasantries. It has become clear that my subconscious self is really suffering; maybe more than my waking mind can bring itself to admit. But here I am, trying to find my way back to the person I once was. I need help. I need your help, because there must be someone like me out there who has made it through to the other side. Do you know a therapist with experience in this area? Do you know someone who will understand the stakes of growing up in financial uncertainty, and choosing software as a path out of it? Do you know someone who has experience with racially-motivated sexual trauma (nearly all of my assailants have been white men, and I am an Asian woman)? Will you please either leave that professional's contact info here in the thread, or DM it to me? I need help to get through the next 16 years, and not just give up. Thank you for caring, and thank you for helping me. #SAsurvivor #therapy #AAPI
I’m so sorry to hear but I can see that you are already on the right path, recognizing your fears is important, I hope someone here can help you guide with the right therapist contact.
I cannot recommend a therapist, but I just want to say that I support you and I hope you find peace and healing. I am a woman who chose computer science as a way to escape poverty as well. I love my profession, but I know it can be a tough place for women. See, I even have a male nickname here, I find that I get better answers this way.
I had a specific memory that gave me physical discomfort and terror for 12 years. After many years in therapy that didn't help much (CBT), I found trauma based practitioners who used EMDR to help me heal. I know it sounds woo-woo, but seriously, it is life-changing. You can deactivate these triggers and memories, it's not your fault and it sucks, that these things happen Have you heard about "The Body Keeps the Score"? It's like the embodiment of psychological trauma, in our bodies. No, my life isn't perfect, I'm still an anxious person. But I also never thought I'd dampen or get rid of my response to the memories - I used to flinch and feel flooded with panic at some triggers. The path to healing is so different for everyone, I just want to say please be gentle to yourself. You're so strong for coming this far, and recognizing the places that want healing
I don't have any info to offer, but you have my condolences. You lived through horrible experiences from your assailants - and it's sad how our society falls blind to (and sometimes even glorifies) the nightmarish situations you and people like you need to endure. I pray you find peace
Do you have health insurance? You can ask your insurance about in network therapist near your location.
It's actually impossible for us to give a recommendation for a therapist unless you specify what state you're in, if you're in the US. Therapists are licensed to practice per state so I couldn't recommend you a therapist from California if you didn't live there, for example.
You need a trauma counselor/therapist. Where have you looked so far? https://www.psychologytoday.com/ Is a good starting place. My only advice is don’t wait to find your perfect therapist. Don’t endlessly browse and read reviews. Quickly make a list of 5-10. Call them leave them a voice mail. Not all will reply. Not all will have openings or openings that work for you. Try out the therapists. If one doesn’t work out, find another.
I am not a woman and probably will not understand what you are going through.. but let me say cry it out as much you can and once you get no more tears thinking about the trauma.. sit and understand whatever has happened is not going to change no matter how much you cry or how much you feel bad or sad .. once your brain has accepted that fact .. think about your future self.. how do you want to live and make efforts for being happy .. happiness lies in accepting the sad realities of life and moving on .. even if you want to avenge something it will take some time and preparation .. so work hard for you future self .. stay away from dangerous situations that can repeat and stay safe
I would really encourage you to go for a 10 day Vippasana course. It will really change your life, it did mine :)
It will be alright, hope you get help.