Just want to say fuck it and quit

sorry for venting.

I have gotten decent perf reviews historically but I'm not sure how and at this point I'm not performing to my or anyone's expectations. Part of me wants to buckle down and do better but I have already done that for the past year and I'm just running out of steam. All of the non-coding activities eat away at any productivity I could have, and all my work is rather sub-par and slowly delivered. If I'm being honest I could be making excuses for my lack of ability. I know what I need to do but struggle greatly to motivate myself.

At the beginning of the pandemic I was drinking and smoking way too much weed as a coping mechanism. Even started smoking cigs. I cut back heavily on said vices and am running regularly and even built a home gym. Still, my mental state isn't really any better.

I was going to quit a year ago but my SO was very unsupportive of it. Part of me is thankful for that because I made it longer than I thought I could and have built up more savings. Another part of me is rather resentful because I was in a terrible spot mentally and have not really come out of that hole. I can't stand waking up for work and am just working slower and slower. At this point I don't really see myself turning this around. Life is rather joyless for me, it sort of always has been but at this point I have lost my thread. The only thing that keeps me going is some hope of reaching FIRE in my early/mid 30s but if it costs many miserable years of my life what's the point?

The environment is not entirely low stress but I don't think my issues will be solved simply by getting another job. My team is probably better than the average team at Facebook from a WLB perspective. Pay and perks are pretty great. My TC roughly tripled joining. Comparing my problems to others it seems trivial.

I suppose I don't need to keep working forever but I can't even see making it another year (or even another 2 months, hello vesting date). If I wrote this post a year ago it would sound about the same... which is sort of pathetic. I am proud of how far I have came and don't want to lose what progress I have made. Fortunately I multiple interviews set up at G/M/startups/etc and could probably get similar or more TC but can't even get to interview prep on top of current responsibilities. Over the past month I have seriously considered taking medical leave to make space to either prepare for interviews or get some relief from what I guess could be burnout but I would rather be seen as a quitter than to leave my team in limbo.

Anyways, I'm tired. Hope you all are doing well.

TC: ~300k (stonks only go up )
YOE 7
NW: ~300k (~100k 401k, >150k liquid)

#burnout #depression #mentalhealth