Title is tl;dr đ Iâm gonna go deep about my personal life, not much else in it for you. Its a long read, if you have some free time on your friday. Would love to hear any advice from yâall on any part of my rant ahead Blind tax - 9 yoe 280k tc âșïž Just turned 31. Life isâŠ.urgh, its crapâŠbut its also JUST good enough that it almost balances out(but doesnât) It mostly feels like shit, but the new optimist in me trying to not feel shit about it and look on the bright side. Dating: Broke up with a girl 6 months ago - who synced in mindset so much about what we wanted in life, it still hurts to this day that I couldnât make it work with her. But it was bound for failure coz she âjust didnât feel attracted to me anymoreâ. Despite how it ended, she had such an impact on me - I could not replicate that feeling of connection with anyone else I dated after her. Dating just feels hopeless these days, everyoneâs not their authentic self and always seem to have one foot out the date. The loneliness hits extra in the winter with 4pm cold sunsets. And datingâs just extra hard being a woman over 30, everyone wants to get married in under a year(which is fine, just wouldânt work with me). But hey, on the bright side at least I go on a date every now and then so itâs not âallâ bad đȘ Family: After physically and mentally tortured by conservative parents for about 29 years, itâs been fkn great for my mental health since the 2 years I went no contact with them. I feel so free in life, like I can breath for the first time. Have full control over my own life and not be scared of narcissistic parents for doing anything. But during thanksgiving or Christmas holidays, it hurts when I see my peers and friends have good moments with their families. Especially being single, it hits really hard that thereâs not a single person who cares about me. Work/career: Workâs been great since the pandemic(I hope I donât get hate for this, I founs a way to make it work for me). My manager has been accommodating with flexible work hours yet gave me a space at work where I feel comfortable to grow. Feels like my 1:1 conversations have an actual impact with my feedback. And I managed to score a good SSA to remove any paygap anxiety with Microsoft. Given my mental health issues(and the SSA to cover some $ gap ofc đđ€), I appreciate my current work, wlb and compen$ation. BUT STILL, I get occasional feeling that Iâd be reaching my FIRE goals a lot sooner if I put effort to leetcode, coz I see insane offers on Blind đ I constantly question my current wlb vs $ vs stress levels and worry if I am making a mistake by staying at MS or doing the right thing prioritizing me mental health Mental health: After years of being a âtoo smart for her own goodâ online psychologist who self diagnosed myself with anxiety, depression and narcissism yet didnât do much about it. I have been getting therapy for half a year now, thanks to flexible wfh schedules. And I am learning to stop what apparently were self sabotaging habits? đđ€ Been learning coping mechanisms and grounding techniques, life is fun. A much better situation from almost jumping off a roof a few years ago. But I keep getting sad about how much of a better life I couldâve had with a less messed up childhood and a lot less damaging habits I picked up over the course. Overall, 2021 has been a mixed bad of shit and âits not so badâ stuff. I have no idea about how to feel about anything going on in life. Feels like I am falling behind for my age at times. But at times I feel like I couldnât have done anything better with the terrible starting hand I got dealt. Sometimes I feel like I should take responsibility into my own hands and stop blaming others about how things ended. But everything wouldâve been a lot easier to handle, if I just had a warm shoulder to embrace during times of pain. People advice to learn to be happy by yourself. But companionship really helps with the tough parts of life that self love just cannot. Oh well, I wonder what 2022/year 32 have in store for me. The ever ticking clock of life waits for no one.
Stay strong Microsoft, I have some of these feelings as well so you are not alone. All we can do is slowly let go of the past and actively work for a more fulfilling future.
Shrooms. You need to do some shrooms.
Hey, Iâve gone through a similar arc- also with very evangelical parents, dm me if youâd like to chat.
Age sex location?
I feel like I could have written this post myself. If you ever want to chat DM me
Everything will get better don't give up on finding someone. Try different avenues maybe in person and hobbies to to meet new people. I know sometimes a connection can be very special but I do feel time will heal things. Gym is a great way to work towards a long term challenge that will also help in dating. Long term goals help you stay motivated and working out helps mental health as well
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You demonstrate a very high level of self-awareness, which is excellent. Just keep putting yourself out there. You'll find your partner eventually. Remember, you only need to succeed once so it's ok to fail a 100 times.