Financially Irresponsible Spouse

Amazon bayyzoes
Apr 14 98 Comments

Married a while. My spouse just generally sucks at frugality, long term financial planning, and budgeting. I’ve tried everything but she somehow manages to overspend each month. As my TC goes up, so does her idea of “stuff we need”. How do you all deal with this?

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TOP 98 Comments
  • Facebook Probe
    Sit down and discuss the financials with her like a responsible adult instead of complaining about it on Blind.
    Apr 14 3
    • Amazon bayyzoes
      OP
      Brilliant. Can’t believe I hadn’t thought of that.
      Apr 14
    • Microsoft Omni
      Does she earn a living? If so, agree that one of you gets to spend the money on day to day things and the other does the saving. Then she will have to use her income to pay for household stuff and anything else, you use yours for saving and maybe mortgage if she can’t cover it alone.
      Apr 14
    • New EfCB87
      Yeah, posting on Blind is a horrible option. Should post on Facebook and tag her family and friends : p I agree with Probe though. Have a talk with her and set a monthly budget. Start off with we need to save X amount a month so from now on when we reach Y the items/things that we’ve been living without our whole lives will have to wait until next month or till we save. And make sure that she knows that your not doing it to be cheap/mean, but for you guys to have a better future. economy crashes, kids, retirement etc
      Apr 14
  • LeanTaaS ♥️ data
    Is she working? Set monthly budget. Make her stick to it.
    Apr 14 3
    • Amazon bayyzoes
      OP
      Make her? Are you married?
      Apr 14
    • New / Eng
      ukssoekjju

      New Eng

      PRE
      Amazon
      ukssoekjjumore
      op's reply is underrated for sure.
      Apr 15
    • LeanTaaS ♥️ data
      @amazon. True. "Make her"... I understand 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

      Sorry about that...
      Apr 15
  • Google praise
    Tell her only a part of TC that went up. Eg: if your comp increases by 20k, tell her 5k. Invest the rest somewhere else.
    Apr 14 7
  • Oath / Mgmt Atinlay2
    Ask strangers on Blind instead of face it head-on.
    Apr 14 3
    • Amazon bayyzoes
      OP
      Doing both things. Only a fool would assume that all the answers lie within.
      Apr 14
    • Oath / Mgmt Atinlay2
      I’m not wrong
      Apr 14
    • Amazon bayyzoes
      OP
      Ok
      Apr 14
  • LinkedIn nckshwdbr
    Simple. Let her do all finances and planning (unless you are afraid she will bleed you dry and then dump you for somebody richer).
    Apr 14 6
    • Facebook / Eng Pank
      Why you didn't divorce then? It's clear she has issue with brain!
      Apr 14
    • Amazon bayyzoes
      OP
      We tried to revert and do the needful but our parents wouldn’t allow it.
      Apr 14
    • Facebook / Eng Pank
      what? Are you an adult person at all? Parents have no rights for such decision!
      Apr 14
    • LinkedIn nckshwdbr
      Holy shit dude. I think you are seriously in need for a divorce or couples therapy as you seem to be in basic misalignment with respect to how you want to be living together. You don't have kids I hope.
      Apr 14
    • Barclays PLC FAANGHNTER
      A man's tears are more powerful than a woman's. Sob, wail and cry in front of her. Make her realise the position she has pushed you to.
      Apr 14
  • Cisco cf797480
    I know this is a bit grim and I don’t want to be a downer, but: you may want to think now about how to protect your finances in the event of a divorce. If she’s bleeding you dry right now, she’s absolutely going to grab everything she can if you two split.

    I want to emphasize that I’m not saying you should divorce her over this. It’s just something to think about. There’s a realistic chance that you’re going to lose a ton of money on her whether you stay or leave.

    Hope it works out for you guys.
    Apr 14 3
    • Amazon bayyzoes
      OP
      Been married nearly 20 years and have kids. Divorce isn’t an option.
      Apr 14
    • Oath / Mgmt Atinlay2
      Divorce is always an option
      Apr 14
    • Cisco cf797480
      Keep in mind that you can be divorced without your consent. She can leave, and take most of your life savings, for any reason she wants.

      Divorce is always a possibility.

      That said, it sounds like this is unlikely, which is great.
      Apr 14
  • priceline.com / Eng vwvw
    Is she on Blind? 🤣 u r asking the right question to the wrong people
    Apr 14 2
    • Amazon bayyzoes
      OP
      If she was on Blind then she’d have her own TC to spend.
      Apr 14
    • IBM / Eng TMqY11
      Boom roasted
      Apr 14
  • Amazon / Eng
    zsLQ30

    Amazon Eng

    PRE
    Amazon
    zsLQ30more
    This is serious stuff, so face it like it’s important.

    Set a time and tell her you would like to discuss it. She may freak out but give her time to digest it. But the goal is to sit down and talk about it.

    Edit: many people ignore pivotal occasions where things need to discuss and feelings to express. Then one day they wake up and ask where did it go wrong. All important things are hard to articulate and potentially contentious. So you need a strategy and we understand it. If you already talk “too much” then choose just one thing as an action and act on it, then see what happens.
    Apr 14 3
    • Amazon bayyzoes
      OP
      You’re right and we talk about it a lot. Probably too much if you ask her.
      Apr 14
    • Microsoft garppppp
      Yeah. You need to have scrums and checkpoints in relationships too!
      Apr 14
    • Amazon bayyyzoes
      I find it’s so much easier to raise the priority of the JIRAs assigned to her than take the time to discuss priorities in person.
      Apr 14
  • F5 Networks werth
    You sound smart but you are not , simple limit Her access to the money,
    Apr 14 2
    • Amazon bayyzoes
      OP
      Thanks! Hey, wait a second.
      Apr 14
    • Cisco cf797480
      I love that a comment calling OP dumb somehow manages to pack multiple typos in a single sentence.
      Apr 14
  • New parens
    “If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work, and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea.”
    Apr 14 1
  • New parens
    Maybe it’s partially the messenger. Have you brought in an outside financial planner to help paint grim pictures? A mini financial intervention.
    Apr 14 3
    • Cisco cf797480
      This is a good idea. If someone else is brought in to help, she might understand that he’s not messing around. It will bring gravitas.
      Apr 14
    • Amazon bayyzoes
      OP
      Haven’t done this yet. Great suggestion.
      Apr 14
    • New parens
      My partner did this for me. In my relationship, I was the financially irresponsible one. :)
      Apr 14
  • Facebook QIXQ16
    Short term, separate bank accounts and/or credit cards with explicit limits. Maybe use one of those gift cards that you load up money into. Also, separate Amazon accounts, etc. She gets her own accounts for all these things and get none of the passwords not solely connected to her money account(s).

    Long term you two need to get on the same page about money and long term goals or this may not work out well.
    Apr 14 5
    • Amazon bayyzoes
      OP
      Doing all those things except when she maxes out her limits she reaches for my card for gas and groceries. We have a hard “where did all your money go” talk and then I give her my card since she needs gas and we need food. Seems like I need to tighten up the loopholes.
      Apr 14
    • Datadog VadimsDad
      Give her prepaid debit cards with no overdraft with a Max amount per month
      Apr 14
    • Apple procto
      Don’t give her your card. You can go out to eat. Get drive-through. She can eat and drive after the 1st.
      Apr 14
    • GoDaddy derpstate
      How about you take charge of all the necessary shopping for a month or two. It'll be a proof of concept that's she can model spending after. You never know, it could end up that her numbers for spending might be reasonable after all.
      Apr 15
    • Amazon bayyyzoes
      @derpstate - that’s just crazy enough to work
      Apr 15
  • Hazelcut NfTn03
    My wife is similar. People here who think having a conversation will simply solve this are clueless. I'm pretty sure my wife gets a dopamine rush with every purchase. it's an addiction. But we have shared accounts and I use Mint to track everything. Only thing you can really do is monitor the spending and repeatedly remind her how she's going over budget.
    Apr 14 1
    • Cisco cf797480
      Did it work eventually?
      Apr 14
  • Facebook cncY80
    I had a similar experience. And to be fair, as your TC goes up so should the amount of money you spend. You SHOULD be leading a better and more comfortable life.
    But yes you also should be saving.

    I solved it by doing three things:
    1. Pay every bill on the 1st, so I know what we have left for the month.
    2. Agree to an amount we want to Dave every month, whatever that is.
    3. Transfer all of the remaining money to a second joint account which we can use for whatever the fuck we want. I spend a lot less so I let her know ahead of time off I need a chunk of that.

    Now I control the critical spending, and she takes care of making sure our lives are comfortable. We both know our responsibilities and expectations and we're both much, much happier.
    Apr 14 1
    • Amazon bayyzoes
      OP
      This isn’t far off from what we’ve been doing for many years now. Problem is she agrees to things in theory but can’t seem to follow through in practice.
      Apr 14
  • My wife was the same way for years. When I took My last job, I had 10% go into a side savings account and let it sit untouched. Even when she was out of control, I had safety building up.
    Apr 14 0
  • Synchrony ————
    Let me know when you find the formula that works for you. I desperately need it as well.

    Day 1st of month, she understands and says won’t spend this month and day 10th, she wants $200 dress on Amazon. I’m not going to renew prime just for this issue.
    Apr 14 0
  • Bloomberg / Eng iVX372
    It's easy to spend money that you don't earn. That's the crux of the problem here.

    If it doesn't get better after discussion, just get separate accounts and give her a monthly allowance. Tell her that the only alternative is to start working.
    Apr 14 0
  • Cisco cf797480
    Maybe you guys could have a detailed conversation about what you want your retirement to be like. Where do you want to live? How big of a house do you want to have? How often do you want to travel?

    Then you could set a budget for what that type of retirement will cost, and see if she can see the value in preparing for that. You could also model out a retirement where you don’t have enough money. A small house in an undesirable location, rarely eating out, rarely having new clothes, etc. Then she can see how serious it will be if she doesn’t start saving now.
    Apr 14 0
  • Monster unholy!
    Is she overspending on the normal stuff, like groceries? Buying large-ticket items on a frequent basis? Literal shopaholic? What kind of overspending are we talking about?
    Apr 14 8
    • Amazon bayyzoes
      OP
      It’s household stuff, groceries, stuff for our kids. 2/3 of what she spends is literally at the company store (amazon.com). She just doesn’t have an off switch and assumes there’s always money available.
      Apr 14
    • Oath / Mgmt Atinlay2
      So she’s buying stuff the family needs?
      Apr 14
    • Amazon bayyzoes
      OP
      In her mind, they are needs, yeah. In mine, mostly wants.
      Apr 14
    • Microsoft Omni
      265 is a tough salary for living in Seattle with kids. Try jumping ship and increasing your TC!
      Apr 14
    • Spotify ajdus
      Lots of Americans think everything for the kids is a need vs want, maybe that’s where you differ the most? Otherwise have her use a debit card and don’t allow overdrafts (you need to agree on an amount first). You could even deposit money weekly. Immediately invest the agreed upon savings amount.
      Apr 16
  • AnchorFree Israel
    Had a difficult talk with my wife just few days ago (she's a travel addict and doesn't work, managed to keep us on 0 balance in the last 4 years, spending all income down to 0 every month or every few months if something accumulated in the bank), she got really mad and was saying nasty things like "this is not how a man behaves! don't talk to me about money, if you love me you would not start this talk at all, blah blah blah" but after the "fight" she agreed to start saving a % of monthly income aside, on a separate joint account, that will be used to buy a house (get a mortgage) in a few years. We'll see how this works out :D I'm waiting to see.

    One idea I can share is either put all your personal "allowance" into crypto/stocks/separate accounts. Or if she does not allow (will argue with you and be mad) then try to persuade her for a big common goal like buying a house (or an investment house, rental property, if you already have one), this might help.

    Another idea is to spend the most you can yourself, but instead of buying useless stuff or doing other wasteful purchases, buy valuable things like gold, diamonds, hardware, real estate, whatever you can save value in (get a loan for real estate or another big investment, and tell her you must pay the loan every month, she can't say no. And by paying the loan you invest basically into "something" that will have value. Still better than letting her waste it all)
    Apr 15 2
    • Google hopless
      Does she travel on her own? Because if so I have some bad news for you ... you are paying for her to get pounded by high test foreign alphas.
      Apr 16
    • AnchorFree Israel
      lol! no that's not the case but I see your point. she pulls me off the sofa to go travel with her of course so it doubles the expenses :D .. but it's always her initiative to insist to go travel and waste all $$, it sux.
      May 4