Getting divorced. How do I find a good lawyer?

Google startover
Apr 19 94 Comments

Longtime lurker here. Let me knock out the obligatory stuff first: yes I'm Indian, in the Bay area, TC is $250k.

I got married to my wife a couple of years ago ("Love" marriage not arranged). She's currently a student but we're roughly the same age. Things began to get really rocky over the last several months and in a fit of rage she said that she wanted a divorce. I had no heads up that she had such extreme feelings about our relationship so I was admittedly shocked and reeling from this. It turns out that she's moving pretty fast and is filing for divorce without trying out separation or counseling despite my recommendations to work things out.

She's playing dirty through her lawyer and laying claim to options I was rewarded at a job prior to Google (we were married during my last 2 months at my old job) and doing a bunch of extremely shady shit that I'd rather not talk about for fear of being dox'd. The lawyer I've currently got is a total rookie and I get the feeling I'm going to be taken to the cleaners.

How can I find the best lawyer possible? Any recommendations from personal experience?

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TOP 94 Comments
  • Microsoft Sexybeast
    Damn. Women are feminists until they see the prospect of fleecing you dry through alimony.
    Apr 19 1
    • Google startover
      OP
      I don't know about "women" but yes my soon to be ex-wife is pulling absolutely no punches.
      Apr 19
  • Cisco pista
    Look at avvo.com . You can find a good lawyer. Still haven’t understood cause of divorce. Is your wife overseas or with you in Bay Area. Is it that you are unable to give her time
    Apr 19 5
    • Google startover
      OP
      First concrete recommendation, thank you.

      She's here in the Bay area and has been studying here.

      I too haven't understood the cause of the divorce apart from the fact that she's convinced we will be incompatible moving forward.

      ... which is rich considering that she was the one that really doubled down on wanting to get married. Now she doesn't even want to talk through proxies like friends (let alone to me directly)
      Apr 19
    • Amazon Qsqx82
      Dude she married you for your money and a gateway into US.
      Apr 19
    • She's also found a guy.
      Apr 19
    • Amazon Qsqx82
      I bet she has found an US citizen guy, why she wants a divorce so bad. Direct entry to green card.
      Apr 19
    • Cisco pista
      @startover, add ur post with relevant details on Avvo. You will get a lot of responses. Then look at who responded and also look for general search on all divorce lawyers. Make sure you talk to few lawyer before finalizing. As like yelp, other classified avvo too has crappy lawyers. Do your own research to get right one. All the best !
      Apr 19
  • Apple xUEdsjT
    I'm sorry dude, it's over. Look into MGTOW (subreddit), pay up 50% of assets and be more careful next time.
    Apr 19 5
    • Cisco meowwww
      Do not look into MGTOW unless you want to ruin any possibility of ever attracting a woman again. that place is a cesspool of misogyny
      Apr 19
    • Intuit urd jfuj
      women are attracted to physical appearance and money. you don't need a good personality to take someone home from the bar and if you're truly going mgtow you don't want anything serious anyway.
      Apr 19
    • Cisco meowwww
      Justify your hatred of women however you want. It’s not a healthy way to live
      Apr 19
    • Apple / Eng xUEdsjT
      It's not a hatred of women, just acceptance of truth. "Attracting women" shouldn't be something you judge your own worth on. You can always decline to play the game.
      Apr 19
    • Intuit urd jfuj
      when did anyone say anything about hating women? I love women. I also love myself and don't risk my happiness and life goals on someone else loving me just as much.
      Apr 19
  • New / IT RatBastard
    The fact OP has no idea why his wife is leaving makes me think he didn’t spend enough time with her.

    Women can be deceitful, sure. But if you don’t know what the person who shares your bed is thinking.... maybe you should pull your head out at work. Methinks somebody spends too much time thinking about work.

    It’s going to cost you 50% of assets and a bit of heartache.

    No bueno.

    Quarter million a year and no couples therapy? I’m guessing she’s leaving because she can.

    If I was to be so bold: Shitty work life balance?
    Apr 19 5
    • Google startover
      OP
      WLB was shitty before marriage; that's why I joined Google soon after to remedy it :)
      Apr 19
    • New / IT
      RatBastard

      New IT

      PRE
      Booking.com, Cadence Design Systems
      RatBastardmore
      Questions, questions —

      And your, soon-to-be ex-wife agrees that WLB is acceptable? Or did you decide without asking her?

      WLB balance shitty before marriage.
      Joined Google to remedy shitty WLB?
      Working at Google magically fixed it?

      How much time do you/did you spend with your wife?

      Kinda Important questions:

      Did she want more time with you?
      Or did she not really want to be with you anyway?

      Sorry if this seems harsh. I know you’re going through an amazingly fucked up period of your life.
      Apr 19
    • Google startover
      OP
      You're knowingly being abrasive but superficially apologizing for it. Your username is very fitting and I suspect you'd get along with my soon to be exwife just fine :)
      Apr 19
    • New / IT
      RatBastard

      New IT

      PRE
      Booking.com, Cadence Design Systems
      RatBastardmore
      I am being blunt. And it’s true my nick should give ample warning. You are acting like you are the victim (of an evil plot) instead of owning it.

      Even if you don’t answer my obnoxious questions here you may want to think about them.

      Only because your post stated her request for a divorce came as a surprise.

      Are you that easy to fool?

      The woman in your life didn’t give you any warning signs? No windup? Just a throat punch? You said it was “rocky”. I think that may be an understatement.

      It takes two. And you both did your parts. You chose her and she chose you.

      If it was a bad choice then all you can do is move on and learn from the experience.

      My step-father has been married three (3) times. My mom is his third wife and they seem genuinely happy for 15+ years. He told me he learned a lot from his previous horror stories.

      Unfortunately you are probably in for a bad ride with the divorce lawyers. If you think I’ve been abrasive you are in for a surprise. The divorce lawyers will take her words and turn the volume up to 10. You will hear her every complaint quite clearly. Hopefully there is no need for lawyers and you can get on with your life (50% financially lighter).
      Apr 19
    • Cisco pista
      It’s ‘root cause analysis ‘ and op should dig deeper as what is real problem. Without this, lesson to be learned is not complete. If situation was under control, op should have asked his wife for 2-3 hours discussion to understand situation and know expectations. But it seems it has got passed that stage. Try calling her and give this a shot. Secondly if she is rich, she may not expect money as she already has. There should be something more and as people commented, something is not adding up
      Apr 20
  • Adobe cedar555
    OMG chill. She's not going to get alimony. You split marital assets 50/50 and go your separate ways. If there are some sticking points, you negotiate. Throw her a small concession and she'll be on her merry way. You don't need a rockstar attorney for what sounds pretty cut and dry. There's no way you'll be fighting this out in court.
    Apr 19 7
    • Agilent Technologies Jebb Fezos
      Sorry. But for you it's hindsight. OP is currently going through it.
      Apr 19
    • Adobe cedar555
      A fancy attorney won't even accept this case.
      Apr 19
    • Google 3/2=1
      I agree. It's pretty straight forward. You split total of yours and your spouse's assets earned after marriage in half. Don't need lawyer for that
      Apr 19
    • Amazon LoanerBadg
      Since spouse is a student, it will be giving half of his assets to the spouse.
      Apr 19
    • Google 3/2=1
      Yes but rules are rules. Like it or not
      Apr 21
  • Microsoft Omni
    How can she, being a student, afford a better lawyer than you? Open up your pocket book and get a better lawyer instead of hiring a rookie and asking other rookies in blind!
    Apr 19 3
    • Agilent Technologies Jebb Fezos
      I think that is what OP is looking for in this post
      Apr 19
    • Google startover
      OP
      @Fezos thank you. Yes @Omni I'm happy to throw dollars in the right direction.

      She can afford a hardcore lawyer because she's got wealthy parents.
      Apr 19
    • F5 Networks buzz-word
      Dude you are earning in usd. Wtf to her parents. Ask them why they aren’t supporting you
      Apr 20
  • Yelp fixksbf
    don’t give her a dime
    Apr 19 3
    • Google / Eng Bergey Sin
      Most helpful advice here. Just tell the judge "I'm not giving her a dime!"
      Apr 19
    • Google startover
      OP
      I like Yelps spirit though.
      Apr 19
    • Yelp fixksbf
      tell her to get a job (female here)
      Apr 19
  • Google / Eng yogi bear
    no idea, but sounds like your new fantastic life is ahead of you. carry on and soon you will be free.
    Apr 19 0
  • Facebook bl@ckmamba
    Waiting for the feminist comment where you deserve to be ripped off
    Apr 19 1
    • Microsoft Dr. Root
      😂
      Oh trust me... It's comin...
      Apr 19
  • Oath ejxa62
    Better call Saul
    Apr 19 0
  • New !=faang
    Is your wife indian too? At what state she is filling for divorce? Because state rules play a major role in determining alimony and other payments
    Apr 19 3
    • Google startover
      OP
      She's Indian yes. State of California I'm afraid.
      Apr 19
    • New !=faang
      Oh! Was it arranged? Maybe she is seeing someone else especially if she is rushing the timeline suddenly. I recommend you to hire a Private Investigator and a really good lawyer! Hope everything works out well for you
      Apr 19
    • New / Eng 4everalone
      ^ was about to say the same thing
      Apr 20
  • Intel eKPG80
    Women change so much after marriage huh? My spouse also pushed so hard for marriage and I fell for it. After marriage, she changed so much that sometimes its hard to deal with.

    Stay strong, and find good lawyers in avvo.com.

    Sometimes I wonder if marriage is a necessity. Yes, my parents want me to see having a marriage and kids. but there is so much cost in doing what my parents want. And furthermore, I'm sure they don't even think about the possiblity of divorce even if they soo desparately want their sons to get married. I have no idea why, but why are asian parents (i'm asian too) so good at keeping a blind eye? Divorce is a real thing, it happens very commonly, but they just assume everything will go well once marriage happens and keeps nagging their kids to get married.

    Asian parents are also a big reason why marriages in asia fail big (as i said I'm asian as well).
    Apr 19 5
    • Google startover
      OP
      Feelsbadman
      Apr 19
    • Amazon LoanerBadg
      I think it is because divorce wasn't a common thing on Asia when your parents grew up.
      Apr 19
    • Cisco pista
      Well said, epkg80. Are you Indian ? I am 😀.. and I guess it might make sense more in India than ‘Asian ‘ . We have concept of arranged marriage which seems to be disastrous in recent times. Things don’t seem to evolve in the speed at which technology changed
      Apr 20
    • Intel eKPG80
      There are pros and cons of this arranged marriage thing. However, it can be a pro or a con depending on which era it is being implemented in. Now days with social media and the economic development and what not, we, including my self, are becomming more self-centered. Parents say this is a bad thing, but being self-centered is not a bad thing, as long as you don't give any harm to other people. There is a difference between being selfish and self centered. Anyways, many young folks now days are self centered, and i want to ask if this idea of arranged marriage is applicable now days with people with strong characters. Yes it may be still doable, but I see a rapid rise in divorce rates. And again, divorce isn't a bad thing. But I just hope parents realize that its a real thing and that they also need to take responsibility when they start to nag their kids to get married. Asian parents are so good at keeping a blind eye, and once that divorce happens, they suddenly they don't believe that they were part of the reason. I love my parents, but not all aspects of them are perfect, and this is what i feel.
      Apr 20
    • Cisco pista
      ‘Divorce is not bad thing ‘ — yes until hard earned money does not get split and non working spouse get unnecessary benefits.. I think this is mostly the problem op is facing
      Apr 20
  • Salesforce tensorchic
    It's kind of odd and something doesn't add up. I don't know if she can be awarded alimony if it's a no fault divorce and if she doesn't demonstrate need. Can she? You didn't abuse her.
    Apr 19 3
    • Agilent Technologies Jebb Fezos
      Yes. What is the ground is is claiming divorce on?
      Apr 19
    • Microsoft Omni
      California is a common property state, so at divorce each spouse gets half of all assets.
      Apr 19
    • Salesforce tensorchic
      Then there's probably nothing much you can do. Hopefully you didn't mix in your pre marital assets.
      Apr 19
  • Microsoft $€£¥
    Another proof point why marriage is a bad idea and and outdated institution. It's a trap guys don't do it!
    Apr 19 0
  • Facebook bl@ckmamba
    Was it an arranged marriage? What is the reason for the divorce? It looks like she got into this with the sole aim of getting a clear shot at your money
    Apr 19 5
    • Google startover
      OP
      Not arranged though she pushed for it hard. Reason for divorce? Beats me (I wish I were kidding; she cites incompatibility).

      I'm beginning to believe your conclusion.
      Apr 19
    • Adobe cedar555
      She would have skipped her graduate degree, never worked, had multiple children, and waited until you had far more impressive TC if that was true. She's just unhappy and wants her freedom.
      Apr 19
    • Google startover
      OP
      @cedar555 I'd love to hear that from her either directly or in an assisted counseling session. Alas.
      Apr 19
    • Adobe cedar555
      You're underestimating her. Don't you think she would have done her homework if she was on a vendetta?
      Apr 19
    • Facebook bl@ckmamba
      @cedar555 feminazi spotted!
      Apr 19
  • Google thinknot
    You're looking at half of what was saved during your two years and one year of alimony. Lock it in and move on.
    Apr 19 1
    • New / Eng 4everalone
      solid advice, at least the nightmare would end
      Apr 20
  • Microsoft Dr. Root
    Bro, you make quarter mil per annum. Why on Earth would you hire a rookie? The only way to come out on top would be to spend money and hire a seasoned divorce lawyer. Trying on save money on lawyers is never a good idea. The amount of $$$ you stand to lose in alimony would be far greater than anything you've seen.
    Apr 19 1
    • Google startover
      OP
      I'm not trying to save money. I'm happy to hurl dollars in the right direction I just don't know where to look beyond Yelp.
      Apr 19
  • Amazon yhagayavaj
    Don't have recommendation but hope you turn out ok at the end of this.
    Apr 19 0
  • Oracle iOFR21
    Please share any lessons learned
    Apr 19 0
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Google hopless
      Lol good luck telling the judge that you didn’t consummate marriage here
      Apr 19
    • VMware SweetPease
      Intel - that’s not how it works.
      Apr 20