How to Get Wife to be Attracted to Me?

Microsoft / Otherabcde4
May 11 124 Comments

We haven't had sex for over a year. Before you say TC, my TC is already higher than hers. I listen to everything she says. I dress well, smell good etc. Try to start getting her turned on, but she always ends up stopping me, saying that she is not in the mood.

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TOP 124 Comments
  • New bmmC14
    She has somebody. Divorce and move on.
    May 113
    • New / Eng/ ÷
      Can Indians divorce outside of India? Just curious.
      May 11
    • New bmmC14
      I’m pretty sure you can divorce in the US.
      May 11
    • Verizon Media
      jydwl

      Verizon Media

      PRE
      Verizon Media
      jydwlmore
      You register divorce in all the places where the marriage is registered. So it will be US and India.
      May 12
  • eBay ebabe
    Maybe you’re too easy, and kissing ass is turning her off. She might like to get treated like a piece of meat.
    May 119
    • Microsoft / Otherabcde4
      OP
      That's tricky. She is kind of feminist, and I wouldn't risk something like that.
      May 11
    • Microsoft Trillion🧢
      This happened to me to it sucks
      May 12
    • Amazon kyfghrfh
      No woman likes a meek man in bed. Especially not the feminist ones.
      May 12
    • New / Consultant
      PinkJacket

      NewConsultant

      PRE
      Google, Techstars, Mozilla
      BIO
      I'm me.
      PinkJacketmore
      OP I've never met a feminist that didn't want to get ravaged in bed. It's like they want equal treatment in the real world but fantasize about being put down in private. People tend go get off on deviating from their norms, like powerful execs going to dominatrixes to experience being powerless. Think about it.
      May 12
    • eBay ebabe
      Exactly. So many women want a real man in bed who tells her what to do. Even if they are an alpha female in real life, they want a man to tell them what to do and to lose control in bed.
      May 12
    • New / Consultant
      PinkJacket

      NewConsultant

      PRE
      Google, Techstars, Mozilla, Barracuda, Duo Security
      BIO
      I'm me.
      PinkJacketmore
      You don't have to be an alpha man to dominate someone in bed. I'm male, genderqueer, and very femme. Yet I'm a Domme who only dates women who skew very feminist. So imo it's really about being able to make them feel dominated and not at all about being an "alpha" or a "man."
      May 12
    • New / Consultant
      PinkJacket

      NewConsultant

      PRE
      Google, Techstars, Mozilla, Barracuda, Duo Security
      BIO
      I'm me.
      PinkJacketmore
      The bottom line is communication though. Don't be ashamed to get a couple's therapist if you need that help communicating. Bring it up with them.
      May 12
    • ICU Medical / Mktg
      user3.0

      ICU MedicalMktg

      BIO
      Trying my own thing but doing something for someone else. 🤷🏼‍♂️
      user3.0more
      Why'd you marry a feminist though? 😭
      May 12
    • Lyft wXfl07
      Feminist publicly has nothing to do with erotic impulses in the bedroom lots of feminists like to play the bottom in the bedroom...
      May 12
  • Snapchat / OtherdudeLA
    Don't take advice from blind just talk yo her
    May 113
    • Accenture shortsell
      This is best advice here
      May 12
    • Workday tamama
      Yea man so many either trolls or singles giving relationship advice
      May 12
    • ICU Medical / Mktg
      user3.0

      ICU MedicalMktg

      BIO
      Trying my own thing but doing something for someone else. 🤷🏼‍♂️
      user3.0more
      So you think he should talk to her?
      May 12
  • Microsoft Trillion🧢
    I feel like the guys in here are inexperienced in marriage/women, lots of women don’t need/want sex hardly ever. Usually not revealed until after marriage. Many other married guys report the same thing
    May 1210
    • Snapchat / OtherdudeLA
      Women wants more sex than man
      May 12
    • Microsoft Trillion🧢
      According to what? Maybe some women but in general no. Testosterone makes you way hornier than estrogen. If you aren’t married or haven’t been married for one year I don’t care about your opinion.
      May 12
    • Amazon qwertyup
      How many marriages have you been in Trillion?
      May 12
    • Snapchat / OtherdudeLA
      I'm married Can tell you after marriage it's women who want more sex. Also There are many facts to support it.
      May 12
    • Microsoft Trillion🧢
      One marriage, healthy sex life for almost a decade before then a slowly dwindling one due to her lack of desire
      May 12
    • Microsoft Trillion🧢
      What facts? Please provide them
      May 12
    • Netflix quickster
      Gay men have the most sex. Straight couples have a medium amount of sex. Lesbians have the least sex. This seems to support the notion that men want sex more.
      May 12
    • Microsoft Trillion🧢
      I mean it’s biology, testerone is what makes guys way more desperate and horny
      May 12
    • Microsoft ◉_
      Guys - just don't marry!
      May 12
  • Google nOfM55
    Have an honest talk with her, ask why she always refuses sex. Go to marriage counseling.

    If you want to improve the marriage, tell her and see if she does too. If she does, great, start counseling. If not, do consider leaving
    May 122
    • Amazon dssa2
      This is the correct answer
      May 12
    • Yup. You can’t live like this forever OP. Talk to her and dig deep down to the root of the problem, calmly.

      If she really isn’t attracted to you and there’s nothing you could do about it, leave. I’m sorry 🤷‍♂️. You could also see a marriage therapist.
      May 12
  • Apple warmwelcum
    She is fucking somebody else, it can’t get any clear than this. Sorry mate
    May 112
    • Microsoft / Otherabcde4
      OP
      I'll give her as much benefit of the doubt as I can.
      May 11
    • Microsoft jdjfjfcj
      You're being naive. It doesn't get clearer than this. She is fucking someone else. Get that into your mind.
      May 11
  • Microsoft / Otherabcde4
    OP
    She compares me to her friends' boyfriends or husbands, and that is also a problem I think...
    May 117
    • Snapchat / OtherdudeLA
      Ohh man I've met those kind you are fucked
      May 11
    • Snapchat / OtherdudeLA
      For your wife your silly things should be sexy thats how it works
      May 11
    • Microsoft / Otherabcde4
      OP
      Unfortunately, it isn't!
      May 11
    • Snapchat / OtherdudeLA
      Comparing with others is the worst thing people can do, I would recommend talking to her family or friends about it.
      May 11
    • Amazon qwertyup
      why is your spouse comparing you to other peoples husbands?
      You said that tc doesnt matter because you make more than her?
      You are not supposed to be one upping each other instead of helping each other grow.
      May 12
    • Oracle / Engaham
      What kind of comparisons? Can you elaborate?
      May 12
    • Facebook / Engtux12
      Compare genital size
      May 12
  • Netflix quickster
    Lots of bad advice. There's zero evidence she's cheating. Ignore those posters. Also, don't follow the advice about asking what you need to do for sex. You do need to communicate, but that is not the way to phrase it. She'll feel even less attracted to you if she just thinks she's sex meat to you. What you need to ask is what you can do to be a better husband and more attractive to her. Only later should you ask specifically about sex.
    May 120
  • New / Eng
    10yoe250k

    NewEng

    PRE
    Google
    10yoe250kmore
    She either has somebody or lesbian. OP, how is your looks? Was it arranged marriage?
    May 1113
    • New / Eng
      10yoe250k

      NewEng

      PRE
      Google
      10yoe250kmore
      How many times with her in total over how many years? It looks like she is frigid, lesbia or seeing someone else.
      May 11
    • Microsoft / Otherabcde4
      OP
      We did it a few times. Sex was never a priority for me, but it's bothering me a lot now.
      May 11
    • Microsoft / Otherabcde4
      OP
      Yes, she is frigid, and has lately been very cold-hearted...
      May 11
    • New / Eng
      10yoe250k

      NewEng

      PRE
      Google
      10yoe250kmore
      Asexual she can be, as well as you. See a therapist by yourself first, they may give you professional advice based on some tests they do. Testo might be low or something.
      May 11
    • New / Eng
      10yoe250k

      NewEng

      PRE
      Google
      10yoe250kmore
      Oh, if she is frigid - RUN. You'll never get "normal" sex.
      May 11
    • Microsoft / Otherabcde4
      OP
      Interesting about asexuality...
      May 11
    • Microsoft / Otherabcde4
      OP
      Is frigid that bad, and can't frigid be temporary?
      May 11
    • Uber / Engzvnt81
      She has someone else
      May 11
    • Booking.com S8n
      can you afford to divorce?
      if no, ignore her and spoil her a bit more
      if yes, tell her how her behavior makes you feel: if there's a solution she'll share.
      May 12
    • Microsoft Trillion🧢
      I don’t think she has someone else some women don’t need it/ want it as much as men
      May 12
  • Amazon vdQy55
    Work out, and get 6 packs
    May 114
    • Microsoft / Otherabcde4
      OP
      I'll try that next.
      May 11
    • Amazon / Eng
      FwNL50

      AmazonEng

      PRE
      Hewlett Packard Enterprise
      FwNL50more
      Girls dont want this guys..Inexperienced are advising here..
      May 12
    • F5 Networks buzz-word
      She is having some fun on the side. Or she is depressed
      May 12
    • eBay ebabe
      Confidence + belly > six pack
      May 12
  • Accenture shortsell
    Ask her to see a therapist. Be honest, tell her how you feel (honestly) "we haven't had sex in a long time and it frustrates me... What do I need to do, I am not a mind reader". P.S. imop women speak a much more subtle language of intention and desires than men. And I'm guilty of this too ... Very easy to be oblivious of their signals and how they percieve things their partners do.

    If you have children this is all the more important that you resolve your differences, and be willing to work on your problems regardless of if you stay together. If she declines (to go to therapy) go by yourself, if the relationship isn't worth working on for BOTH of you together, than you have your answer, but for children absolutely no reason to lay blame, and appropriate behavior is to show you can work together as their parents, and no lay blame.

    To clarify when I say ask "what I need to do?", Does not mean "what do I need to do for sex" ... Means: "what do I need to do to make sure you know I care about you"
    May 120
  • Amazon / Eng
    FwNL50

    AmazonEng

    PRE
    Hewlett Packard Enterprise
    FwNL50more
    Root cause: you are not treating her well, dude. You are mentioning TC here, wtf! 🤣🤣🤣..She wants emotional support and you are just exciting her with $$$! Take her out, give her a feeling of importance, love and care. As someone said, lack of experience is reflecting here..
    May 123
    • New / Engstarl0rd
      I see you are new to Blind.
      May 12
    • Amazon / Eng
      HellAhead

      AmazonEng

      PRE
      Hewlett Packard Enterprise
      HellAheadmore
      New to blind now new to this world!
      May 12
    • Amazon / Eng
      HellAhead

      AmazonEng

      PRE
      Hewlett Packard Enterprise
      HellAheadmore
      @starl0rd: Actually I changed my username..May be thats why..
      May 12
  • LeanTaaS ♥️ data
    Gym
    May 120
  • Salesforce pLIp42
    Over a year? WTF is wrong with you? Life is short. Ask for a divorce and move on.
    May 121
    • VMware / Eng
      tyxS31

      VMwareEng

      PRE
      Microsoft, Hulu
      tyxS31more
      Divorce is no joke either, let the dude give his marriage a chance before using the nuke option
      May 12
  • Leanplum ballsacks
    Was the sex good beforehand? How many partners did she have before you?
    May 124
    • Amazon / Eng
      FwNL50

      AmazonEng

      PRE
      Hewlett Packard Enterprise
      FwNL50more
      Doesnt matter..If she is not treated well, she gets back to her old good days.#Experience
      May 12
    • Accenture shortsell
      Irrelevant... I had higher expectations of your contributions here "Ballsacks"
      May 12
    • Leanplum ballsacks
      Sorry, I guess the sack is not saggy enough
      May 12
    • Accenture shortsell
      Tuck back your sack, put some rouge on you, I think we have a solution for OP
      May 12
  • Roku
    🎃💀👻👽☠️

    Roku

    PRE
    Yahoo
    🎃💀👻👽☠️more
    Stop giving her any attention. Wait until she seeks attention, if she doesn’t, time to move on or get help.
    May 121
  • Lyft wXfl07
    Maybe 30% of women are frigid by 40 it's why the competition for young women is so damned high ....
    May 122
    • Cisco cbd
      Frigid? Half of men are bald and overweight by 40
      May 12
    • Facebook lkj630
      Frigid is not a technical term. I'd like to see the study behind your claims.
      May 13
  • New lSTd07
    Install Tinder and hope you match with her.
    May 121
    • New 0hcow1
      This is a hillarious comment
      May 14
  • Juniper Pliny Jr
    I suggest Marriage Counseling if she can't tell you directly and honestly and MATURELY about this sensitive subject.

    Put yourself in the IF/THEN mind frame for likely scenarios. Just an FYI, sex after marriage dies off HUGELY after marriage for the woman (especially after kids) so your concern may be much ado about nothing than the "marriage normality".
    May 120
  • Expedia anony🐭
    1 year? Damn...
    May 120
  • VMware / Eng
    tyxS31

    VMwareEng

    PRE
    Microsoft, Hulu
    tyxS31more
    Is she on the Pill? Some types of pills can drive libido down, I would say may be advice her to get off the pill for a while, and you suit up instead.
    May 120
  • Netflix quickster
    Also, it sounds like she's always been frigid. She just may not enjoy sex. Have you asked?
    May 120
  • Amazon Am A Bot
    I’m going to offer the perspective of someone whose actually been in your shoes. My wife has a low sex drive and that was ok for her for a while. Then mine kicked up quite a bit and I found myself frustrated. Eventually I decided to do something about it so I had an open and honest conversation with her about it. It took about 6 years to work it out but we finally did: have sex when both of you are willing and not necessarily in the mood. That’s the chief takeaway. Having sex results in more sex; having less does the same. It’s part of the marriage flywheel. Give that a try.
    May 134
    • Microsoft / Otherabcde4
      OP
      Thanks!
      May 13
    • Uber / Creative
      bag.

      UberCreative

      PRE
      Google
      bag.more
      Age makes a difference in womens libido. A few years before menopause, women's libido shoots up because it's her last chance to pass on her genes. So make the most of this while you can, because it's not gonna last forever.
      May 13
    • Leanplum ballsacks
      Where do you draw the line between "willing" and "in the mood"?
      May 13
    • Amazon Am A Bot
      In the mood means that I kind of want to. Willing means I don’t want it but I am consenting to it, and may change my mind about wanting it once we get started.

      I originally drew the line at “in the mood” and our sex life went nowhere for years because she wasn’t in the mood (she’s 2x a month or less; most often less). I was always waiting for when she was in the mood and it only led to frustration.
      May 14
  • Do you have kids?
    May 121
    • Microsoft / Otherabcde4
      OP
      Nope
      May 12
  • She is gay
    May 120
  • Bank of America aiminghigh
    Has nobody suggested couples counseling yet?

    It exists for a reason. If you two don’t know how to communicate (no shame in that, it’s less common than you think) go to couples counseling.
    May 120
  • Amazon / Eng
    FwNL50

    AmazonEng

    PRE
    Hewlett Packard Enterprise
    FwNL50more
    One suggestion: take her out on a vacation for a week or two. Regenerate the best moments you had with her, hear her out, make her drunk, make her laugh..I am sure, you both will get back to track. Girls need to be treated well buddy. They are very emotional. Sometimes we overlook their emotional feelings because we are tend to look at the practical side. So, do what you want but make her realize that you are doing something as per her wish just to make her happy.
    May 120
  • CrowdStrike hQxj31
    Don't waste your time talking.
    Go to the gym, be attractive. Once you are good looking the problem will fix itself.
    If it doesn't then divorce and you'll have no problem because now you look good.
    Ignore all the talk to her bullshit. Take care of yourself. You cannot change her only yourself.
    May 125
    • No that doesn’t work .. they will suspect you of having or planning to have an affair if you take care of yourself .. desi arranged wife’s are very insecure and immature.
      May 12
    • CrowdStrike hQxj31
      The thought of competition will work in your favour.
      That's why make-up sex is so good
      May 12
    • Nah .. OP is never having sex again with his wife .. guaranteed .. he has joined the desi sexless marriage club .. just doesn’t know it yet.
      May 12
    • CrowdStrike hQxj31
      If he takes care of himself he'll either have sex with her or divorce her and then have sex with other women. Win-win and win for her too, get out of a unhappy marriage
      May 12
    • Are u asking OP to consider a divorce ? That’s not how desi arranged marriages work. You suck it up and live out the rest of your life just like your parents told you 😆
      May 12
  • Salesforce watermln
    It's hard. I'm in a relationship for the past 6 years and we haven't had sex in the last 3. I'm not attracted to him but it breaks my heart to tell him that. He knows it and doesn't bring it up. We're still together, not married yet though. I told him he's free to move on but he claims that I bring value to his life which others haven't brought so far. And it goes on.

    Can you live without sex? She can't control a lack of attraction.
    May 164
    • Accenture / ITfaoehfpq
      curious what happened on the 3rd yr that lead to no attraction/sex?
      May 17
    • Salesforce watermln
      Something shifted. But once that happened the attraction wasn't there
      May 17
    • eBay ebabe
      Are you getting your needs satisfied elsewhere? Sounds tough
      May 17
    • Salesforce watermln
      It's tough. We've both had major family and other issues last few years so I guess what we got and are getting from each other is a support system. Hard to give that up. I just take it as a part of life which isn't ideal.
      May 17
  • Accenture / Eng__xjwg
    she probably has somebody. better hire a private investigator or just talk to her. i'm dating this girl that is cheating on her husband. they haven't had sex for 2 years. her reason is she's not attracted to him anymore
    May 123
    • Indeed indood
      So you are willingly fucking another dude’s wife? Whatever happened to bro code?
      May 12
    • Accenture / Eng__xjwg
      he wasn't my bro to begin w/ and they ended w/ divorce
      May 12
    • Google nOfM55
      If they divorced then she's not cheating on him anymore
      May 12
  • Apple abilities
    OP: what if say you hug her , touch her ? Will she shun you away ? If not may be one thing will lead to another and may spark some 💥 🎇🧨
    May 121
    • Facebook lkj630
      Sounds rapey.
      May 13
  • AMD
    I/O

    AMD

    PRE
    Intel
    I/Omore
    Divorce her
    May 140
  • Facebook lkj630
    Read the book Cum As You Are - is a discussion of how sexuality differs between people, how to talk about it and how, for many women, you just existing is not enough to turn them on - they need context.
    Like other commentators have said, sounds like this is a reaction to other stuff not working well between the two of you.
    May 120
  • Microsoft Trillion🧢
    Look at this study lol, married couples don’t have sex research shows, front page of Reddit now https://www.reddit.com/r/science/comments/bnnyb8/unmarried_couples_living_apart_have_the_highest/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app
    May 120
  • Facebook / Engtux12
    Do you Lyft bro?
    May 120
  • Flagged by the community.

  • Amazon yyp62x
    Need a poll for does she have somebody or naw
    May 120
  • Google toxicity12
    Go for couple yoga
    May 120
  • Amazon mbbjjg
    Improve English?
    May 120
  • F5 Networks buzz-word
    She is getting something on the side. Move on. Either that or she is depressed.

    Are you in Seattle?
    May 120
  • Cisco
    lpaul

    Cisco

    PRE
    Red Hat
    lpaulmore
    My honest opinion go talk to her first.. ask her what’s the problem?
    May 120

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