How to deal with a berating wife?

Uber movingfw
May 28 80 Comments

My wife gets angry on small things and keeps on scolding me. She doesn't get calmed down.
This instigates me (as I have an ego too and can't take the scolding).
I getting angry, start cussing (swear words) and then we have an ugly fight.
She doesn't give me space when I request going to a separate room to cool down.

Married for 4 years now.
Appreciate your help.

TC - $340k (at $45)

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TOP 80 Comments
  • New / R&D zipzap1
    Lawyer up. Hit the gym. Divorce.
    May 28 9
    • Microsoft $€£¥
      Delete FB
      May 28
    • Oracle iwantfang
      I deleted my FB account and it helped so much
      May 28
    • Facebook ⭕w⭕
      😢
      May 28
    • eBay eBay HR
      Did that 7 years ago. Don’t miss it and was a huge boost in life.
      May 28
    • VMware fndndjjxd
      Deleted my Facebook account too. Huge relief and never miss it. I am on no social media now and certainly feels good. Social media is just a place to show off, stalk, measure dick sizes , fake news , rumors etc. there is nothing constructive going on there.
      May 28
    • eBay eBay HR
      Fear of missing out (fomo) is unfortunately a real issue, especially for a demographic that’s already struggling with a sense of self and fitting in. Now the vulnerable desire to be an “influencer” because they see a lie shared to millions as truth...
      May 28
    • New / Eng
      🔥HODL🔥

      New Eng

      PRE
      Sogeti
      BIO
      I'm a generalist soft eng who loves to work on hard tasks and open-source. I have experience in many domains (low-level, web, data science, security, etc.).
      🔥HODL🔥more
      Dunno I just use FB for events and it's pretty cool. My wall is disabled, and I've disabled the notifications.
      May 28
    • Facebook tTFN31
      How do you disable wall??
      May 29
    • New / Eng
      🔥HODL🔥

      New Eng

      PRE
      Sogeti
      BIO
      I'm a generalist soft eng who loves to work on hard tasks and open-source. I have experience in many domains (low-level, web, data science, security, etc.).
      🔥HODL🔥more
      In the privacy settings somewhere you can change people who can write to your wall to "Only me".
      May 30
  • F5 Networks bhai-log
    Divorce ASAP. Such people never change. Why to waste your life with such a bad person
    May 28 16
    • Uber movingfw
      OP
      I discount those days of the month specifically.
      May 28
    • Uber movingfw
      OP
      problem is during the other days
      May 28
    • Nutanix hmbsjc1
      My Indian friend was married to an awful Indian woman, who would actually beat him. He waited until his daughter was accepted to college and left for a white girl.
      Divorce took the standard one year. A month afterwards he died of a heart attack.
      So yeah, if you’re unhappy with this woman leave. Only one life to live.
      May 29
    • Axtria DesiLaunda
      @bhai-log. Single. What do you mean by "bend over backwards"? Kuch bata bhai
      May 29
    • F5 Networks bhai-log
      Laundey bhai - once you’re married, you will understand the reality.
      May 29
    • Axtria DesiLaunda
      Kuch bata de, kya pata bach jau
      May 29
    • Nutanix hmbsjc1
      Some desi dudes will even bend forwards for that almighty p*ssy.
      May 29
    • F5 Networks bhai-log
      Indian Marriage is like a government job in India - everyone has job security so nobody cares and behaves like a jerk - goes for both husband and wife.

      Add a little bit of insecurity like US jobs and people will fall in line. That’s my take.
      May 29
    • Nutanix hmbsjc1
      That, and also some serious entitlement/domination/insecurity issues in our section of society. From all sides.
      May 29
    • F5 Networks bhai-log
      True, Nutanix
      May 29
  • Facebook ⭕w⭕
    "start abusing" well, to start, maybe you should...I dunno, stop abusing your wife?
    May 28 13
    • VMware fndndjjxd
      Who did ? Op never mentioned about it. And btw why can’t see ?
      May 28
    • Facebook ⭕w⭕
      It's a meme you dip.
      May 28
    • Uber movingfw
      OP
      She doesn't start swearing until I start. But, she calls names like nonsense, stupid and continuous beration
      May 28
    • Intel babubhatt
      It sounds like you are the one escalating
      May 28
    • Uber movingfw
      OP
      yeah, I have spiked anger ...have suggested many a times to be left alone for 2 minutes during the argument but i never get those 2 minutes .
      May 28
    • Intel babubhatt
      Probably a good idea to seek therapy for help managing anger. Also couples counseling couldn’t hurt
      May 28
    • VMware fndndjjxd
      @facebook owo: you are free to go and get a life
      May 30
    • Facebook ⭕w⭕
      @vmware you are free to learn English and work at a less shitty company
      May 30
    • Cisco tarrifs
      Blind doesn't give us the right to be rude. A little respect goes a long way.
      Jun 1
    • LinkedIn
      मस्का-पाँव

      LinkedIn

      BIO
      Life is magical
      मस्का-पाँवmore
      Facebook owo: You are free to go get a life and also some experience while you are at it, just so you can make more balanced and reasonable comments on social media.
      Jun 4
  • Dell —-:
    Most wives are psychos
    May 28 4
    • Google 5’7”
      Why it got to be like dat doe :(
      May 28
    • Dell —-:
      Is ur wife like that too ?
      May 28
    • Google 5’7”
      I don’t have wife. But my ex girlfriend was super disrespectful to me :(
      May 28
    • VMware fndndjjxd
      Totally true. And the Sad thing is that you can’t do anything about it as all the laws are in favor of women. Marriage is a super bad deal for men.
      May 28
  • Amazon / Product no1totrust
    In US culture, no one forced you to get married. Now I know that's not everyone's culture.

    With that said, do some self assessment...

    Do you care about this person?
    How do you care for this person?
    Do you care about the outcome of your relationship or are you only looking for how to change your experience in the relationship?

    If you care for this person and you care about your marriage, you need to establish open and clear communication of your expectations and experience with your spouse; understand what they are experiencing/facing that is driving them to behave this way. Then work with them to work with you on changing and a path to make this communication better or at least more effective. As a husband you may need to support your wife in many ways, including emotionally and mentally thru challenging times.

    If in your self assessment you determine that you don't care about your partner, then ask yourself why did you get married in the first place?

    If you still don't feel any value in this relationship, and you can't answer why you married in the first place (forced marriage, green card status, into $, or for legit reasons), then you can consider other options...mediation, marriage counseling, divorce, separation, etc
    May 28 1
    • Uber movingfw
      OP
      very insightful. Thanks for sharing.
      May 28
  • VMware iterator
    Marriage counseling.
    May 28 3
    • Uber movingfw
      OP
      I have proposed it many times, but she resists it saying she doesn't need it and knows everything that is wrong with us - which is my upbringing
      May 28
    • Well, that is really fucked up. Wives tearing down husbands is normal, but refusing counseling and requests for help, is some bad shit.

      Maybe start going to counseling by yourself.
      May 28
    • Cisco tarrifs
      Yes, try seeing a therapist yourself. It helps.
      Jun 1
  • Amazon jtGV66
    Arranged marriage?
    May 28 2
    • F5 Networks / Eng <-
      Curious to know if you're Indian, and if it was an arranged marriage and the "kundli" was matched.
      May 28
    • Uber movingfw
      OP
      Not arranged. She courted me and yes, Indian
      May 28
  • SAP Man
    If no prenup, get a gym membership, Brazzers account, and a comfy couch.
    May 28 0
  • Microsoft hotsteppa
    First, seek some marriage counseling and make sure she is bought in on the fact that this behavior is hurting your marriage. In the interim, make sure the makeup sex is at the top level.
    May 28 0
  • Google WngCmdrPa
    Sounds like you had an arranged marriage as an Indian dude. Does she work? Is she considered pretty by Indian standards (trying to understand her mindset)? She may simply think she can do everything she wants without consequences - not uncommon amongst Indian wives.
    May 28 2
    • Uber movingfw
      OP
      Not arranged. She courted me. She's much prettier than me ( though i take care of myself too) and in top 1-2 percentile.
      She says she's never ever wrong and she will end up convincing me its me who made the mistake all the time.
      May 28
    • DocuSign girlyy
      Dude. Don’t stereotype. I am Indian as well and my wife is the sweetest. Both of us are very happy. Ours is a arranged marriage. 4years now
      May 29
  • Apple procto
    Seek a therapist for yourself. You can’t change her, but the therapist can help you with your reactions. Self control can be a powerful tool.
    May 31 1
  • Autodesk / Product Wanksy
    There’s plenty of helpful material out there, and I suggest that you start using those. We often do not learn how to be successful in relationships, and there is a lot to learn.

    Recently started listening to the audiobook of “the 5 love languages” together with my fiancé. We have had some bad fights, but listening to the book together has helped.

    There’s also a podcast episode that I found useful https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relationship-advice/id840534227?i=1000390053702
    May 28 4
    • Uber movingfw
      OP
      My wife has a big problem with my upbringing. She doesn't think i was raised right, whereas she was. She expects me to behave in a way that she would behave. She can't take statement with even a slightest negative undertone. Everything that I speak should be positive and not rude ever or we will have a fight.

      Are other couples 100% polite (as in the formal setting) with each other?
      May 28
    • ^ Ummm. Isn’t everyone’s wife like that?

      All you wives out here — do you ever take shit from your husbands without (sooner or later) giving lip back?
      May 28
    • Uber movingfw
      OP
      why is wife tearing down husbands considered normal? what about equality?
      May 28
    • I think refusal to go to counseling is abnormal, and something you should think seriously about. The comments about your upbringing could mean she’s already made up her mind about you and doesn’t want to stop fighting. Maybe go see a counselor by yourself first.

      But yeah, all wives rip apart their husbands at some point or another.

      Equality doesn’t mean men and women are identical — obviously there are physiological and psychological differences, that’s just a scientific fact. We just need to learn how to interact with one another optimally.
      May 29
  • Oath fTBk83
    Seems like you think you are entitled to respect because you are the *husband*. Respect needs to be earned. Try to understand what she expects from you and work on it, putting aside your ego. Talk to her about her frequently getting angry when she’s calm.
    May 30 1
    • VMware fndndjjxd
      Are you a woman ?

      Btw everyone is entitled to respect. Why would someone disrespect somebody unnecessarily ? Be it husband or wife. You are technically saying that wives are okay to disrespect their husbands and husbands are responsible
      To find out why and fix the problem.

      If you believe in equality, a more correct statement would be : “ no one has the right to disrespect anybody unnecessarily . You guys should work together to find out the reasons”
      May 31
  • Google / Eng
    plaster

    Google Eng

    PRE
    Amazon
    plastermore
    My wife gets angry with small things, and this anger will last hours. But when I get angry she expects me to cool down in seconds. She doesn't know how to empathize.

    We solved this by talking it out. I told her I can't deal with all her tantrums and that I stopped caring whether she was angry because she is angry all the time. I also pointed out how she would have expected otherwise from me.

    You need to talk it out to, respectfully, maybe you need marriage counseling, if she says she doesn't need then say it's for your sake. You are indeed wrong for cussing, she would be wrong too.

    About giving space for cooling down, that is her mistake, take a calm time to talk about it and let her know it's important for you to get some space on those situations.

    Or divorce before you get more assets? Sounds cold, but it's one way out.
    May 30 0
  • Facebook / Eng kprti12
    Divorce
    May 28 0
  • Oracle pzd
    Mutual respect, more than anything else, makes a successful marriage. If that's missing, I recommend bailing out before you do more damage to each other, or worse. (E. G. Have children and damage their lives too.)
    May 28 0
  • Amazon outbnd
    He probably means “swearing” and not “abusing”.
    May 28 0
  • Mozilla kumru
    Are you abusing alcohol etc, or are you abusing your wife? If the latter is true, that path can never end in something good for your marriage. You both take some antidepressants, and start talking calmly
    May 28 1
    • Uber movingfw
      OP
      swearing/cuss words
      May 28
  • Lyft qCbJ38
    I also just need space when I get frustrated. Ten minutes alone and I’m back to normal, I’ll apologize (if it was my bad) and move on. When people keep on getting in my face when I ask for some time to cool off - that’s usually how all my nasty fights have started.

    If it’s not a language thing and you really are abusing your wife, I really don’t think there is a coming back from that. If that’s the case, you should prob leave her and let her move on.
    May 28 1
    • Uber movingfw
      OP
      whats a language thing?
      May 28
  • Intuit m83052dwlk
    Sounds like not enough romance and probably not enough sex.
    May 29 0
  • Zillow Group / Eng yWWu04
    Leetcode
    May 28 0
  • Starbucks imaboba✌️
    Couples counseling, if both parties have a desire to improve your relationship.
    May 28 0

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