I dont feel loved by wife. What should I do?

Cavium Vp416@jki
May 15 136 Comments

I dont feel loved by wife. At times, I yearn for love and affection from my wife. With stressful work and rat race, I feel the love and affection from my partner are what would make me feel content in life. Else I feel like a money making machine.

Following are the things why i feel my wife does not love me:

- She never shows interest on things I am interested in.

- She never shows involvement in my problems and struggles. Never tries to understand what I am up to. Never shows concern over hardships even it is of household matters. She just dont care how I do. She just wants get things done.

- my wife is a home maker. She takes care of cooking part of ours. i am a foodie. In 5 years of married life, she has never cooked me my favorite dish and expressed love that she has prepared just for me. I have asked her once in a while to cook certain dishes for me. But, she never cares. Note that food is not my problem. I just want to experience her love. Food is just a medium.

- Seldom kisses me, even during sex. Sex is rare between us (once in a month or two probably). She is not much interested in sex.

I am do things in opposite way on the above points. I do help her in kitchen and house chores. Whenever she wished something, I do whatever it takes to fulfill it behind the scene and surprise her. I kiss her a lot, barely missing a day. It is always me who initiate sex.

I have talked with her all about this. She doesn't take it seriously.

Our marriage otherwise doesn't have any serious issues. Just monotony kills me.

I dont know if my feelings are even valid.

What should I do? Please put in comments. No trolls please.

TC : 220K. South Indian couple (if that matters) Fully Arranged marriage with one year old kid

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TOP 136 Comments
  • Facebook ⭕w⭕
    Are you out of shape? I see so many Indian engineers with a bulging gut these days.
    May 1518
    • Google WarrenBuff
      How about a grey T everyday? Will fb make me CEO then?

      I promise we'll have more security flaws and antitrust issues.
      May 15
    • Facebook ⭕w⭕
      Why are you so mad and talking shit about FB suddenly? Maybe the problem for you isn't your attire, but your shitty attitude.
      May 15
    • Google WarrenBuff
      Lol. Don't get mad FB.

      Stating facts. Not shit talk. Asking would wearing a grey T everyday fix the problem you highlighted?
      May 15
    • Qualcomm dynasty001
      Agree with Facebook guy here.
      May 15
    • Google brokeaftbh
      @FB you Caucasian?
      May 15
    • Facebook ⭕w⭕
      ^ I would say it doesn't matter, but it kind of does actually...
      May 15
    • Google brokeaftbh
      So...
      May 15
    • Apple 🥭es
      FB is right Indians eat a lot , don’t exercise (India is the diabetes capital of the world , despite so much poverty), eat late dinner.
      They have no concept of exercise, in India people laugh when you say you will take stairs.
      Some of it is also genes , we used to be mostly farmers some 70 years ago like the Hawaiians and now with the desk job our bodies are bloating.
      May 15
    • Bloomberg 21$aVaE
      Hit the gym. You are probably not as attractive as you think.
      May 15
    • Microsoft jack911
      She is probably banging on the side. Did you have some house repairs recently?
      May 15
  • Oracle 66ggff44
    OP don't listen to these sick guys giving u trash advice. I am South Indian too and gone thru similar feelings. Best way is to take her out on a vacation, do a lot of fun things with her. Hire a sitter or leave the kid with parents etc. Work on your marriage. It is not easy but it's easily solvable. All this trash talk about bf gf second piece etc. should be ignored. Break the monotony of marriage that is important. Trust me many of us have been thru this.
    May 154
    • Cavium Vp416@jki
      OP
      Thanks for the suggestion bro
      May 15
    • Amazon McKnziBzos
      Wife doesn’t care about you, and your solution is to treat her with a vacation?
      Sure, this may further help op realize that his wife really doesn’t care.
      May 15
    • Oracle 66ggff44
      OP I am a woman. so thanks sis!
      May 15
    • PayPal himy
      ^Lol
      May 15
  • New ahdhdb
    To be fair, I don’t understand why you didn’t think of this when you went for an arranged marriage. It’s called arranged for a reason, the marriage will carry out as a business relationship where the common goal is to share a household and that’s about it. It seems your wife is playing a really good part in it by leading the household, and you should play your part by bringing the dough home. There’s no love required, otherwise it would have been a love marriage.

    I respect cultures but seriously, I don’t understand why anyone these days would go for an arranged marriage. It seems so backwards.

    I’m white an I’m in a “love” relationship fwiw.
    May 154
    • Cavium Vp416@jki
      OP
      I also feel that way for arranged marriage. But, i dont have any other choice apart from fixing it somehow.

      Dating and finding another girl is not all option for me.
      May 15
    • New ahdhdb
      Why finding someone else not an option? I might be naive but I really buy into the “your happiness first” of the western culture. after you’re dead, nobody will remember you anyway, so you might as well be happy in the few decades you have left.
      May 15
    • Cavium Vp416@jki
      OP
      It is hard option. Because

      1. We have a kid already
      2. I am already past the young age (32 now)
      3. Divorce is difficult decision. Need to digest judgment from relatives and society.
      May 15
    • Intel noad
      I don't know why you chose to get an arranged marriage but I assume a part of that is because you wanted to make your parents happy / match their preferences.

      Well...fuck your parents. If they had given any thought towards how an arranged marriage might affect your life in a negative way (to anyone with a brain, yours situation is only to be expected on average case) then maybe they wouldn't have put pressure on you to do this. Or maybe it was internal/artificial pressure to adhere to cultural norms. Fuck cultural norms.

      I'm saying all of this because of point #3. Divorce is difficult yes but don't let your relatives and society and culture get in the way of your happiness. You still have a whole lot of life ahead of you even at this age. You could be with someone who will actually show interest/affection towards you. Imagine how much better your life would be.

      My first choice would be #1 marriage counseling and if that doesn't work then #2 divorce. If I were you and didn't have a kid, then this would be an easy decision.

      Unfortunately...kids make things complicated. :/ But I would still go through the same route.
      May 15
  • Apple cestlevie
    How old is the kid? Was your relationship like this even before having a kid? Lots of women feel distant from their spouses after having a baby and it remains like that for a few years. But shouldn't last too long.

    Maybe you need to be more her "type". Be yourself but widen your interests to include hers. Go for a nice vacation, give her a break from chores, hire a sitter once a month and spend time - just the two of you. Monotony has to be consciously broken, it doesn't break on it's own. Maybe join a gym, both of you with a child care facility. After working out for a few months, you both feel fitter, probably a good time to get her some lingerie. In general, you both need to do shared activities with common goals. Still possible with 1 kid, hard to do with 2. You haven't tried everything, so you haven't tried enough.
    May 157
    • Cavium Vp416@jki
      OP
      Thanks for suggestions. Our kid is 1 year old
      May 15
    • Apple cestlevie
      Yeah 1 year is too less. She has gone thru giving birth to another human - not an easy feat! And is full of motherly love. Given how her delivery was, all the sleepless nights with the baby, her mind and body are probably not ready for sex. Give it sometime. Tell her how beautiful her body is despite of going thru so much. Be patient and empathetic. Good luck!
      May 15
    • Cavium Vp416@jki
      OP
      Thanks for the perspective
      May 15
    • Axtria DesiLaunda
      Agree with Apple. Taking care of the child and household may be taking a toll on her, unless you are assisting her. Also, see what interests her and try to follow that.
      May 15
    • Amazon Coatl
      I don't know anything about arranged marriages, but I have 3 kids. And on every single of them my wife's affection towards me declined significantly during the first 3 years of my kids ages. It's only during year 3 that things start to get back to normal both on sex life and displays of affection.
      May 15
    • Axtria DesiLaunda
      How long have you guys been married?
      May 15
    • Amazon Coatl
      We have been married for about 17 years now.
      May 15
  • Amazon dajiba
    Is blind turning into indian reddit? why all these indian culture thing? it's 2019 and people are still talking about arranged marriage?
    May 152
    • Bank of America GULT1Bvi
      Worse I think it'll be like Quora
      May 15
    • New utahn
      THE CURRENT YEAR!!!
      May 16
  • New / Manufacturing
    drrckcnnr

    NewManufacturing

    BIO
    an Manufacturing Ops guy that's specializes in hardware (electronics) with emphasis on start ups/green Field sites.
    drrckcnnrmore
    Get a girlfriend then get her a boyfriend
    May 156
    • Cavium Vp416@jki
      OP
      Which part of "No trolls please" didn't you get?
      May 15
    • New / Manufacturing
      drrckcnnr

      NewManufacturing

      BIO
      an Manufacturing Ops guy that's specializes in hardware (electronics) with emphasis on start ups/green Field sites.
      drrckcnnrmore
      I'm serious! You both will find out what you like and that'll help determine if you should stay together.
      May 15
    • Oracle desigirl
      Troll
      May 15
    • New / Manufacturing
      drrckcnnr

      NewManufacturing

      BIO
      an Manufacturing Ops guy that's specializes in hardware (electronics) with emphasis on start ups/green Field sites.
      drrckcnnrmore
      Not trolling, it's counterintuitive! You guys are just close minded as shit.
      May 15
    • Oracle desigirl
      Shit advice from people like u is what ruins marriages. GTFO
      May 15
    • Amazon / Project
      Yori

      AmazonProject

      PRE
      Apple
      Yorimore
      I’m pretty sure shit marriages is what ruins marriages.
      May 15
  • Google brokeaftbh
    Arranged marriage?
    May 152
    • Cavium Vp416@jki
      OP
      Yes
      May 15
    • Amazon qwertyup
      Do arranged marriages mostly all result in a love marriage? Honest question, I'm not familiar with this experience.
      I would think to the things that brought you together to reignite the relationship. In your case if it is was family, are the family gatherings better?
      If she never made your favorite dish, I would ask, what is it that your wife desires? You mentioned your needs alot and didn't mention what she enjoys. Perhaps traveling, or teaching or doing something.

      If you want to be happy with your wife, you must find what makes her happy.
      May 15
  • Tenable panda10
    Imo this doesn’t really have to do with arranged marriage or marriage for that matter. All relationships can devolve into this state. Girls want the best guy so I’d agree with previous comments about improving yourself, getting in shape, etc. But once you’ve fallen out of ‘desirable’ status I think it’s hard to overturn. Kids and financial matters make it difficult for sure, but I’d consider separation and seeing other girls. 32 IS young actually.
    May 1512
    • Oracle 66ggff44
      piaij Give OP and his wife a chance to work it out. So hasty..
      May 15
    • Intel piaij
      Of course you should allow some time for this. But at some point it might not work out and you're better off cutting your losses. Your previous reply seemes to insinuate that you think marriage shouldn't be walked away from. At a certain point it absolutely should.
      May 15
    • Oracle 66ggff44
      Agree piaij but only in extreme cases like total incompatibility, infidelity etc.
      May 15
    • Tenable panda10
      Oh yea for sure I’m not saying the go to should be a divorce. I was under the assumption OP has tried but his wife is simply not interested. I don’t believe you can change people nor do I think you should. I don’t believe you can work things out when someones views and beliefs and situation are not in line with yours. I once tried and tried until one day I realized many many years had gone by. Sometimes I would see glimpses but ultimately nothing worked long term, not even close. Letting it all go opened up new opportunities. Might be different for OP, up to him since it’s his own years.

      Sure maybe if you stay at that bad job where your under appreciated maybe one day your boss might suddenly see you for what your worth. You could work things out somehow since you’ve been there a while and your personally invested. Or you could just Leetcode, study some systems design and then find that many jobs out there would love to pay you way more, feed you, etc etc
      May 15
    • Oracle 66ggff44
      Dude don't compare life with work.
      May 15
    • Tenable panda10
      I’m not disagreeing, just saying sometimes we have to step outside of our situation and look at it unemotionally. Nothing wrong with drawing upon existing models / examples. Also, we spend a great number of hours at work, it’s a part of our life.
      May 15
    • Apple cestlevie
      Agreed Oracle. I'm in shock reading all these comments here.
      I think all Blind is good for is to get scoop on very deep matters of life such as FANG interview process, TC, what levels, and similar info.
      May 16
    • Oracle 66ggff44
      Apple part of the issue is majority of the kids using Blind are very young. No life experience. Very immature. Money is not everything. Life is not work.
      May 16
    • Apple cestlevie
      Not just that. It shows how immature young Indian men are.

      And how heavily male skewed is this site (but that's not surprising, given that majority of users here are tech bros).
      May 16
    • Oracle 66ggff44
      true that.. I am a tech mom and I can see that.
      May 16
  • Ascension Health / Eng
    10xUrTC

    Ascension HealthEng

    PRE
    Facebook
    10xUrTCmore
    Where do you live?
    May 159
    • Cavium Vp416@jki
      OP
      Bay area. Does that make a difference?
      May 15
    • Cavium Vp416@jki
      OP
      GTFO
      May 15
    • Goldman Sachs not_djSol
      @10xUrTC: Who is asking you to read and indulge in this post? If you're such a butthurt just ignore the post and move on. Maybe it's your bad attitude that you still work at Ascension Health and dream of 10x your TC, which you probably never will cause of your toxic attitude.
      May 15
    • Goldman Sachs not_djSol
      Wtf is even Ascension Health
      May 15
    • Cavium Vp416@jki
      OP
      @whatever health, sure you are uneducated of history. Europeans never showered daily pre-modern era whereas showering has been daily duty for indians since ancient times. Use Google and your brain

      Your ancestors came here, spread diseases, killed and displaced native Americans.

      Just GTFO.
      May 15
    • Cavium Vp416@jki
      OP
      Racists like you are blots in humankind. Be a human than being white, black, blue whatever
      May 15
    • Flagged by the community.

    • Intel babubhatt
      Ascension wtf? who hurt you? that is some racist bs
      May 15
    • eBay / EngPayment2.0
      @cavium tell china that.
      May 15
  • Bloomberg / EngTREQSlayer
    The Red Pill, not the reddit version. There are some speakers from the 21 convention that have great talks about what you are going through
    May 152
    • Bloomberg / EngTREQSlayer
      Seriously google the names "Texas dom", "Hunter drew" they said the exact things you did. You are the leader of the household and when you fail to lead your wife has resentment for you. Don't listen to the incels who are Blue Pill
      May 15
    • Salesforce tensorchic
      Yikes. This head of household thing is such a turn off. I've broken up with every single guy who had this mentality. I've worked hard and can be head of my own house. He better view me as a Co founder, not himself as a "head".
      May 15
  • Oracle 66ggff44
    seriously ascension health u need to be flagged for hate speech and bullying
    May 152
  • Flagged by the community.

  • Bloomberg 21$aVaE
    Hit the gym and start looking elsewhere. Life is too short...
    May 150
  • That's tough man! What did she say when you talked about this? Was yours arranged marriage?
    May 153
    • Cavium Vp416@jki
      OP
      Yes. Arranged marriage. When I talked, she doesn't show seriousness. Says lame jokes or quick excuses and gets away
      May 15
    • Try counseling. From what you said, it seems like she doesn't have any interest! Life is too short to be in a toxic relationship. Just GTFO if there are no changes even after counseling!
      May 15
    • Qualcomm dynasty001
      What kinda lame.jokes ?
      May 15
  • Salesforce tensorchic
    It's possible she isn't attracted to you but loves you as a human being and appreciates you as a husband.. so she won't divorce or cheat but she can't fake attraction. In an arranged marriage there's no way to test this. Do you think this might be a possiblity?
    May 151
  • Ciena / Engg7jptp
    Take a Vacation , spend couple of days somewhere romantic. Don't worry too much. Everything will be ok after sometime..
    May 150
  • Flagged by the community.

  • Oracle OCfJ82
    Not everyone expresses love the same way. Also, I would say you may have better luck by learning more about her likes and dislikes.
    May 150
  • New tQIi02
    God, how are arranged marriages still a thing? I come from Eastern European shithole, and even to me arranged marriages seem medieval.
    May 157
    • Axtria DesiLaunda
      Parents set up the date instead of friends or app algorithms. What's so surprising?
      May 15
    • New tQIi02
      But instead of a date, it's a straight up marriage?
      May 15
    • Axtria DesiLaunda
      Huh no way. Those years are long gone. You are talking about the 1980s. Now people meet, take their time to understand, and see if they like each other, but the 'intent' is to get married if they both like each other.
      May 15
    • New ahdhdb
      Shit that sounds so awful. I would never want my parents even remotely involved into my dating life lol.
      May 15
    • New tQIi02
      Doesn't sound as bad, but still terrible. That's basically a recipe for bad marriage.
      May 15
    • Axtria DesiLaunda
      Why's that a receipe for bad marriage?
      May 15
    • New / Eng
      10yoe250k

      NewEng

      PRE
      Google
      10yoe250kmore
      Are you one of those eastern europeans that are only good at programming and beating other people? No wonder you are talking like this.
      May 15
  • Intel babubhatt
    I love that “talk to her” is not even an option listed here
    May 153
    • Qualcomm dynasty001
      May have already tried it
      May 15
    • Intel babubhatt
      Hopefully! 🤞
      May 15
    • Intel noad
      He clearly stated that he has tried talking to her
      May 15
  • Maybe she wants to work too.
    Staying at home must be so boring for her also.
    May 151
    • Cavium Vp416@jki
      OP
      No she doesn't want to. I am pretty sure.
      May 15
  • Apple 🥭es
    Run + gym or HITT . Get your wife to do some exercise as well. You both must be having low dopamine..
    May 150
  • eBay / EngPayment2.0
    That sucks. Glad I'm not married to one of those gold diggers.
    May 150
  • Microsoft whadaheck
    You have one year old child - that explains everything. You don’t mention anything about childcare so I assume she does most of the work. That is like the old fashioned way where the couple stops having a romantic life after kids. Modern family can be passionate about each other and that doesn’t come free. You gotta be a partner in raising a kid. I change diapers, make my kids go to bed, feed them, play with them after work and take them to parks on weekends. I leave my stay home mom wife at home to give her 3-8 hours of free time on each day of weekend. Basically I put much more time than my wife on weekends. My wife still feels tired but when she is not, we have more fun.

    Your wife is totally exhausted. Working mom has hard time but stay-home mom should fight for boredom and lack of motivation unless she is really into raising (which could turn her into tiger mom).

    But it could be her. You put so much time into raising your kid but she doesn’t appreciate it and demands more and more. She could be a lazy person who doesn’t have good motivation to do anything with passion. Then, perhaps not much you can do about it. It is very hard to change someone.
    May 150
  • Facebook public2
    Sounds like a business arrangement more than a marriage.
    May 150
  • Uber GhPw30
    Are you romantic? Are you good at sex? Do you guys do anything together that could naturally segue into sex?
    May 150
  • Roku
    pipe

    Roku

    PRE
    Yahoo
    pipemore
    Is she conservative? Are you guys Tamil?
    May 153
    • Apple 🥭es
      Lol 😂
      May 15
    • Cavium Vp416@jki
      OP
      Yes. We are conservative and Tamil
      May 15
    • Roku
      pipe

      Roku

      PRE
      Yahoo
      pipemore
      That kinda explains the problem. I am guessing women is conservative sections were taught kissing is obscene. Sex is only to make baby. You might have to teach her to be expressive. She mostly things that her job is to cooks, your is to make money. Whatever related to you, you will deal with it.
      May 15
  • Cisco lg7ma4jq
    Years of marriage? Kids age? boy or girl? Yoe ?
    May 153
    • Cavium Vp416@jki
      OP
      5, 1, girl, 10
      May 15
    • Cisco lg7ma4jq
      OP: try to get her to love you. Just ask her directly what will make her love you and care for you. Tell her honestly what you are thinking just like on this post. Sex will automatically follow the love. I suppose if she did not love you at all and hated you completely then the sex that you are getting once in 2 months won't be there. So it is a salvageable marriage.

      Take a trip like gg6644ff suggested. Go for a 7-10 day vacation. Let the first 3-4 days slip by treat her completely nice (more than what you usually do).. from 5th day start these conversations slowly. Don't plan a hectic vacation. A relaxed one.
      May 15
    • Cisco lg7ma4jq
      But the thing with arranged marriage is sometimes no matter how hard you try, love won't be there. Your rushed to get a kid now it's too late. For the sake of the kids just accept and get on with it. So far from what you stated she doesn't seem to be a horrible person at all. Unless she is a horrible person, you should not think about divorce.
      May 15
  • PayPal himy
    Why did you have the kid so early ?? You guys should have enjoyed few years! Should have taken her to vacations and banged the hell out of her!

    Having great sex on vacations, taking her out for adventurous things and keeping life exciting should have been priority as she’s not working.
    May 151
    • PayPal himy
      De de pyar de is releasing! Such movies are releasing for people like you.
      May 15
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Oracle 66ggff44
      Needs to be flagged. Inappropriate
      May 15
  • Amazon McKnziBzos
    Lol. From the beginning I thought you were Indian. Arranged marriage?
    May 151
    • Amazon McKnziBzos
      If you brought it up to her but she doesn’t take it seriously, she probably really doesn’t care about you.
      I would express counseling or divorce, and see how she takes it.
      May 15
  • Twitch nuttin
    Any kids?
    May 151
  • Cadence qwer09
    How were you expecting other thsn this when going for arranged marriage?

    She didnt have to put any effort in getting you so why would she now.
    7d0
  • Salesforce ntfhjvcf
    Seems rough. Try to focus on yourself. Invest in hobbies/ LC / gym and hanging out with friends. A few weekend nightouts with friends also don’t hurt. Have a personality. Do all of this without contempt for her though. Sometimes, distance helps break the monotony. You can’t earn love out of force. Continue being nice but enjoy your life as well. It often works well when you don’t want it as much.
    May 160
  • Apple 🥭es
    What did you do for her ? Do you take her on vacation ? Do you treat her like a princess ?
    She also needs love , please give love to expect love
    Start with that and see your life change.
    May 150
  • Roku
    pipe

    Roku

    PRE
    Yahoo
    pipemore
    What does she really care about? She needs to care about something. Maybe it’s cultural to not show passion. Was it the same way from the beginning? Why make a kid before you understand each other?
    May 150
  • Apple tyrion🎲
    I feel your wife is depressed and has lost purpose in life.

    Was she always a home-maker, did she work in India ? Sometimes coming to US and loosing opportunity to work makes it hard
    May 150
  • Ascension Health / Eng
    goback

    Ascension HealthEng

    PRE
    Facebook
    gobackmore
    To india.
    May 150
  • New / EngSalemWatch
    Congratulations! You are extremely close to having an affair! /s

    Seriously though. You are.

    When marriage feels loveless, there's a problem. Read 5 love languages TOGETHER. Tell her again you are not happy, but you want to be and ask her to join you to do that.

    Marriage, from love or otherwise, requires effort. Suck it up and put in the work. It means sacrificing time for you and the things you want to do in the evening and putting in effort to surprise your wife and bring a smile to her face. Treasure her. Treat her like the treasure you wish she was and she will become just that.

    It works.
    May 150
  • Microsoft hotsteppa
    Have you tried going on a vacation together? I mean have the kid stay with your parents or something and see if you can get away from the daily shit show and enjoy each other elsewhere. Changing the setting like that worked for me and we're happy.
    May 150
  • Microsoft userg7
    You are having Western expectation on an South Indian arranged marriage.

    Do NOT go for divorce. Best you could do is go for marriage counselor. Get her books like "men are from Mars, women are from Venus"

    Go for outing. How do you break her daily routine?
    May 150
  • Apple etubrute
    Apart from the lecture that arranged marriages often end up this way, I’d say you need to spend time talking to your wife instead of blind. Your wife doesn’t sound happy either. What are you doing for her happiness? What extra effort do you make to make her feel special.

    The obvious secret to marriage is it’s not a business contract. You have to work at it. Constantly. Otherwise it ends up on a decaying autopilot of obligation.
    May 150

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