I left someone on a bad note - flowers as apology?

New / Eng TTNT
Nov 27, 2018 86 Comments

I met a girl just a few weeks before I was going to leave LA. We ended up liking each other very much and spent almost every night together.

I made her feel like she could rely on me and then I left. To be fair, she was one of the most amazing girls I have meet.

My last days in LA I was going to have this huge goodbye party and earlier that day she sent me a wall of text including stuff like:

- I feel like a temporary girlfriend for you before you’re leaving.

- There is no gain for me if you’re going to leave US and will probably not even contact me.

- You invite me to all these dinners and goodbye parties, to show me off to your friends like a trophy? (She was very beautiful and she knows it).

Honestly, I was really hurt. That was not my intention at all.

I told her on the first date that I was moving and I asked her to consider that. I also ended up liking her way more than I thought I would.

She came to the party and she dressed super hot and was more than usual affectionate.

At the end of the party it was just me and her, drunk, we said our goodbyes... as I turned around to grab a cab she said “Did I do a good job for you to impress your friends?”.

I didn’t respond, grabbed a cab, went home.

This made me really angry. Like, who the fuck does she think she is to think that I need a trophy-girl?!

Well. When I came home I wrote to her: “You are not THAT special...” together with pictures of my last 3 dates. 1 model, 1 fitness model, and the last one is just some girl that dresses a lot in lace, fishnets and heels.

My recent exes take 1000 photos a day on themselves and I have NOTHING to talk about with them... This girl didn’t take a single photo ever - not even the food at expensive restaurants! She was so smart, funny, and interesting.

She replied:
“Just leave me alone 💔”
(5 min later)
“😢”

Well. It’s been a month and I haven’t talked to her. She can’t contact me in any way because I don’t have my US number and she wouldn’t be able to find me online”. So... I am the only one that has the ability to contact her.

NOW TO THE QUESTION:
Should I send her flowers? Lilies are her favorite. With a note that says:

“Just an apology - what I said was wrong”

I want to respect to leave her alone. But I am so ashamed for sending those photos... It would crush my confidence if she did the same to me. It was such an immature and insecure thing to do and I feel like trash.

I want her to KNOW that I was wrong. I did wrong. She shouldn’t feel bad or think that she did anything wrong.

I know her confidence was already flawed because we once came home from the club and she said “I’m so pathetic that I can’t have sex with you - I feel like I’m ruining your night. I should have let you go home with that girl that came up to you”.

SHE WAS ON HER PERIOD!! WHY WOULD SHE SAY THAT?!? I kissed her neck, hugged her super tight, and told her to NEVER call herself pathetic again for such thing.

TL;DR: I disrespected and offended a girl I cared a lot about and I want to apologize.

137 VOTES SELECT ONLY ONE ANSWER
VOTE VIEW RESULT

comments

Want to comment? LOG IN or SIGN UP
TOP 86 Comments
  • Autodesk DouP01
    What a major asshat
    Nov 27, 2018 1
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      I’m well aware.
      Nov 27, 2018
  • PeerStreet / Other
    JmnG16wb

    PeerStreet Other

    PRE
    Amazon
    JmnG16wbmore
    Wtf I went through that entire post and saw zero mention of TC? GTFO!
    Nov 27, 2018 4
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      I’m probably average looking - dating models. I don’t know, you figure it out.
      Nov 27, 2018
    • PeerStreet / Other
      JmnG16wb

      PeerStreet Other

      PRE
      Amazon
      JmnG16wbmore
      Considering you’re “New/Eng” and work in LA where salaries are depressed, I’d guess $110k?
      Nov 27, 2018
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      A bit more but not much, $145k Tech Lead. Sold my cryptos at the right time. And I have been investing and trading as a hobby for many years.
      Nov 27, 2018
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      I like your guess though!
      Nov 27, 2018
  • PayPal 7STAR
    Are you Indian?
    Nov 27, 2018 4
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      No, Scandinavia.
      Nov 27, 2018
    • Microsoft Ranveer
      people gotta stop asking that question on every freaking post
      Nov 27, 2018
    • PayPal 7STAR
      to be fair I think a lot of people probably had that question in their minds
      Nov 27, 2018
    • Amazon Dfg16578
      You seem Scandinavian AF. That was my guess and I’m delighted that I guessed right. That’s probably racist. Oh well.
      Nov 28, 2018
  • Microsoft Task.run
    Neither. If there’s something I know about girls, it’s this- they frequently under-evaluate their self worth, especially when it comes to other girls. And I’m a girl. No matter how pretty or hot a woman is, she thinks she is still not good enough compared to other women. It’s like “grass is greener on the other side”. As for men, it’s the opposite, they look at themselves in the mirror, even if they are short or lean or whatever, they think they are super hot super handsome. For women, it’s the opposite, they look themselves in mirror and find flaws no matter how beautiful and hot they are. This is probably because of the psychology that media portrays- women are supposed to look like this look like that, buy this shit that shit to fix how they look. So, if what you are saying is true about her I don’t think it’s a lack of self confidence, it’s just how a lot of women are. I know a lot of women who look perfectly normal and cute and are never satisfied with their pics, they always pick flaws in their own pics - oh no I look fat here, my chin looks fat here etc etc.

    Now- coming to your question. I don’t know anything about that girl. But if a guy did this to me, no matter how pissed or hurt I am, I would at the very least expect a proper explanation from him. You could call her and apologize and end it in a friendly way or write to her. Flowers don’t fix shit here, except if you treat her like a little kid who can be convinced easily with candies or toys. You can’t fix this with just flowers or whatever, be honest and have the courage to fix this properly. Else don’t bother.
    Nov 27, 2018 6
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      Well, I’ve been erasing my response 5 times now so obviously you’re opening up my mind for some thoughts here, thanks 🙏

      I guess I should figure out why her words got to me so much so I can see if my explanation is worth it or not.

      I just wanted to show her that I don’t have the need for a trophy. The pictures were meant to show her that.

      And to show her that it’s not like I came to US a few years ago, couldn’t find a single girl and then I fell for the first American girl I could get my hands on...

      When I wrote “You are not that special...” I kind of meant “YOU ARE THAT SPECIAL” there wasn’t any other girl that I wanted to have with me on that party :/
      Nov 27, 2018
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      Many thanks for your response by the way 🙏🙏🙏
      Nov 27, 2018
    • Microsoft Task.run
      Well, it’s called giving closure. I think it’s basic decency.
      Nov 27, 2018
    • I think sending the pictures could also have reinforced her opinion that you wanted trophies, just my opinion though. So that's potentially something else to address.
      Nov 27, 2018
    • Microsoft Blkman
      Task.Run u taught me something about myself. Thanks!😀
      Nov 27, 2018
  • Amazon / PR jefe_bezos
    The definition of TL;DR.
    Nov 27, 2018 0
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      The reason I am hesitant is because “finding peace within myself” is a selfish act.

      I want the reason for the flowers to be that SHE feels good about it, not ME.

      I did a mistake, I identified, I will be a better person next time. That’s enough for me at this moment.
      Nov 27, 2018
    • Cisco Oui
      It’s not selfish to me. You know you hurt her and you’re making an attempt to fix it.
      Nov 27, 2018
    • Both of you deserve peace, and you can give that to both of you. Win-win.
      Nov 27, 2018
  • Google / Data
    345gaba2

    Google Data

    BIO
    10yoe BI/DW/python
    345gaba2more
    Sounds like both of you never grew out of high school
    Nov 27, 2018 7
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      So, you judging two more or less unknown people as poor human beings, based on an event that I explicitly regret, is mindfulness?

      I see :) Thank you for being so mindful 🙏
      Nov 28, 2018
    • Clover Health / Eng doenfh
      I'm not judging you. I'm saying this is demonstrably poor behavior. You said and did things to one another that are far from empathetic, compassionate or mindful.

      Seriously, learn some.
      Nov 29, 2018
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      Thanks for your analysis. Obviously, if you read the post - you would know that I already know this.

      You pointing it out further without any constructive feedback is the psychology of pushing down someone that lies down so you can feel better about yourself.

      Anyway. I got a lot of good perspectives from this post so this is not much of an issue anymore.

      Bye!
      Nov 29, 2018
    • Clover Health / Eng doenfh
      Frankly, it sounds like you lack enough humility to accept feedback. It honestly makes your post seem valueless if you need to resort to suggesting people are trying to hurt you. Don't play a victim here, you've been in control this whole time. I said what I said without malice at all.

      See ya. 👋
      Dec 2, 2018
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      It’s just your feedback that was valueless. Plenty of people have given great feedback.

      I trust your intentions, still doesn’t make it good.
      Dec 2, 2018
  • Salesforce meiwhdyev
    Post this shit on LinkedIn not here
    Nov 27, 2018 0
  • Amazon / Eng GHskann
    My god you’re a damned rookie
    Nov 27, 2018 3
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      In which ways? I’d love to hear your perspective.
      Nov 27, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng GHskann
      All of your reactions were selfish... and boyish. Show some sense of responsibility. You expect her to be your spirit guide or something? Learn some initiative.
      Nov 27, 2018
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      All? I’m only describing one reaction, where I already know I did wrong. Which is what this post is about.

      Also, where in this post was I expecting her to be my spirit guide?

      And where was the moment for taking initiative - except for the specific question I’m asking about here?
      Nov 27, 2018
  • Fitbit cdUr66
    No. Sounds like you are both fairly toxic people and you should probably refrain from any form of communication with her. Consider therapy.
    Nov 27, 2018 2
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      I absolutely agree that what I said was toxic. It’s also something out of character from me to do.

      Toxic people do things without realizing or admitting that they did wrong. I would never do this mistake again.

      She is super nice. But has a tendency of seeing things in a negative way when it comes to her confidence.

      Which is another reason for why I am still thinking about the flowers... Maybe it’s best to leave it be, maybe it was a toxic relationship - but too short for it to bubble up.
      Nov 27, 2018
    • SAP jdapmm
      Send those flowers, OP. Do.
      Nov 28, 2018
  • Vanguard / Eng krampus
    Don't send anything unless you are prepared to do something to make up for it. Otherwise you re-entering her life and making her feel it again with no intentions of actually being there.
    Nov 27, 2018 1
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      I have a desire to send an apology - but that’s probably to make myself feel good.

      Thanks for your perspective! I agree with this.
      Nov 27, 2018
  • Intel / Other 10% ESPP!
    I didn't read past the first paragraph but can tell you with confidence, just move on dude!
    Nov 27, 2018 3
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      I’m not interested in getting together with her if that’s what the first paragraph concludes.
      Nov 27, 2018
    • Intel / Other 10% ESPP!
      You'd be just stirring up both your hearts. It'll make it take longer for both of you to move on.
      Nov 27, 2018
    • Intel / Other 10% ESPP!
      Ok I was curious so I read the whole thing, you should apologize but no flowers
      Nov 27, 2018
  • Amazon / Eng Am A Bot
    She knows you were wrong and probably knows you are sorry. The best apology is not to make the same mistake with another girl.
    Nov 27, 2018 0
  • New / Eng AussieSWE
    What confident person says any of those things? You or her!! Sounds like you both have some maturing to do, mate. She’ll get over it, if she isn’t already. So will you. Don’t contact her. Learn and grow.
    Nov 27, 2018 1
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      I think we both got out of character because of the fact that we agreed to meet “casually” for a short time and then ended up falling for each other much more than we expected.

      Then we realized how it’s never going to work and the timeline stressed us both out and we got defensive and immature.
      Nov 28, 2018
  • Microsoft / Eng Lager
    From the post it sounded like you both liked each other. Think seriously if you want to have a serious relationship with her. She acted like a typical girl. Nothing wrong. You need a girl adviser to understand her reactions. If you really like her, dont lose her. Good people are hard to come by. You both may not realize until 10 years later, what you really lost otherwise.
    All the best!
    Nov 28, 2018 3
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      Thanks! I am not interested in getting back together - distance relationships don’t work and I have some serious goals to pursue.

      I just don’t want to end such a beautiful meeting on a bad note. I feel like this turned into a bad memory and that I simply owe her an apology.
      Nov 28, 2018
    • Microsoft / Eng Lager
      Hopefully one day you will realize that there is no better goal than finding a partner that loves you so much. After that everything falls in place. Career goals are easier to achieve after that. Anyway, it’s your call. Have a good life!
      Nov 28, 2018
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      Thanks 🙏
      Nov 28, 2018
  • NAVEX Global HollaBackG
    I’m a woman, and I say you screwed up too badly to reconnect with this girl. Leave her alone.
    Nov 28, 2018 2
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      I’m not interested to reconnect, get back together, or pick up a daily contact. I just want to apologize.

      But I totally hear you. The apology might not be worth anything at this point.

      I should probably have mentioned that this text is the ONE thing I screwed up during the span of our meeting.
      Nov 29, 2018
    • SAP jdapmm
      Woman here, too, and I have the opposite opinion of HollaBackG. From your post, your action appears quite petty & small-minded, OP, if you'd pardon my saying so.

      I guess it depends on the girl and how much your way of breaking up affected her, but if I were her, I'd want closure. Even if some time had elapsed. An apology might help bring that (closure). Better late than never.
      Nov 30, 2018
  • Microsoft Blkman
    U fucking douche. While it’s weird for her to assume she is a trophy girl, u can’t treat her like that. Asshat.
    Nov 27, 2018 2
    • Microsoft NotADick
      It sounds like he WAS treating her like some trophy though and probably doesn’t even want to admit it to himself. Honestly he sounds like a weakling.
      Nov 28, 2018
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      The situation did put me in a weak spot.

      In the beginning when I told her I had plans to move she said “don’t worry about me, people always say that I’m cold hearted”.

      I responded that people say that about me too (I don’t get emotions for girls easily) - and we agreed to have a casual relationship without emotions involved.

      Two days later we both totally fell for each other. Least to say, it was unexpected.

      I think we both got tunnel vision and denied that I was moving until the very last day... When it suddenly became real and we both got very defensive.
      Nov 28, 2018
  • Axtria DesiLaunda
    Write to her what you wrote here
    Nov 27, 2018 1
    • New / Eng TTNT
      OP
      I would do that if I had plans to move back! I don’t see the point in making her aware of how much I like her if I can’t catch her.

      “Don’t make her fall if you can’t catch her”
      Nov 27, 2018
  • New / Eng TTNT
    OP
    NO FLOWERS. I will send her a short handwritten letter of apology.

    Because, her address is the only form of communication I have!

    Thanks all!
    Nov 28, 2018 0
  • "I'm sorry for what I said to you, you deserve better. I also want you to know you are <insert some honest compliments>. I wish you all the best."
    Nov 27, 2018 0