This is going to be a little long post to give you a full context. Take a cup of coffee so you can digest everything. Your opinion will be valuable to make sure I can make the right choice. We’re married for six years. We don’t have kids yet. It was an arranged marriage, but NOT forceful from either side. We didn’t know each other too well since I was in the US and she was in India. She did tell me once before the marriage that she is extremely emotional. Within two weeks after I got married, we had fights. She felt that I was forcing her to get an education and work in the US. From my POV, I was trying to make sure, she can do some kinda work to stay busy even if it’s non-profit. All she did during those months was to watch TV and complaining to her friends in India about how unhappy she is in the marriage. I read a few messages. As the months pass by, her complains and fights got worse. She would scream and cry so loudly that our neighbors can easily hear it. In every single fight, she would repeat the things that happened between us all the way from before the marriage to that day. She couldn’t let go of even a single thing. It would take me 4-5 hours to calm her down every single time. Sometimes more. None of the things were major. They can easily be ignored. She would always compare me to my friends whose spouses she thought were quite happy. She would bring negativity in most of the things we discussed. I kept as much calm as I could thinking this is the first year and this is how typical girl’s behavior might be. I feel stupid now. During this time, she was also a little overweight. I offered her help, but she took it as complaints and not loving her because of that. we also traveled quite a few times in the US. About a year later, her father was diagnosed with cancer. Her family didn’t have money so my family helped her father until the end. Unfortunately, he couldn’t survive. After we came back US from this incident, I kept my mouth shut (father’s advice) no matter how much she fights and cries. I will try to calm her down every single time wasting 3-4 hours each time. This time, she brought a new set of issues that happened to her while she was in India taking care of her father for a few weeks. Most of these things can be ignored, but she made big issues out of it blaming me and my family every single time. Again, more negativity and bringing all the bad things that happened to her all the way from before the marriage to that latest fight. Things kept mounting. I kept it calm for 6-8 months. After that, I couldn’t bear and I also started screaming every time she screamed. We took help from our couple friend. It didn’t work. This phase lasted for 18 months. In those 18 months, she prepared for her pharmacy exams in the US and failed both times. I don’t think it was a big thing for either of us. Then she realized she needs to really clear the exams and get a job. We moved to a new state for my work where we didn’t have friends to hang out with. For the next 8 months, she prepared like a champion. We didn’t fight often during this time since we didn’t have time to spend with one another. After clearing the exam, she went to a different state for a job (she wasn’t yet eligible to practice in the state we lived in). I let her go for 3 months and she kept dragging it for 12 months by making excuses one after another to stay there for her work. Of course, there were less fights since we didn’t see each other a lot. She is loyal. I trust her. The things got really worse after she came back and started working where we lived together now. In the last 8-10 months, there were lots of extreme fights. It might be hard to believe, but I kept calm (father advised) and didn’t fight back to give the last chance to our marriage. She didn’t want to share household expenses even if we were living together. She eventually did but told me very mean things over this every single time. She would fight over comparing herself with our friends and neighbors, share the household work, again bringing same things all the way from before the marriage to that latest fight, throwing items in the house, crying constantly for an hour without letting me say even a single word or even letting me leave the house (I have to sit in front of her while she screams and cries), extreme cry and anger, self-harm (slapping herself after screams). She called cops on me once even if I didn’t physically even touch her. Cops didn’t say anything since it was a small fight. I arranged marriage counseling. She didn’t follow through after two meetings. I offered physiatrist. Instead, she blamed me for her condition. She arranged (without informing me) one more family friend counseling. It didn’t work either. In the last 8-10 months, we had sex maybe 10-12 times. My complaints are her extreme anger, not being able to let go even minor things that happened before many years, too much negative about things and people, laziness, not sharing (happily) household expenses, not letting me even speak during fights and kept blaming me for every single thing. She is now borderline obese, but I didn’t complain her since last few years. From her side, the complains are not loving/caring her enough, not spending money on her, not taking her to big vacations, taking sides of my family (Forget about sides, I don’t even talk to my family regularly except my father) and the things my family has done to her in the last few years (she lived with my family for only five DAYS in last six years). I can assure that they didn’t do anything. They were minor day-to-day things that can easily be ignored. Of course, this is one side of the story. If all the things I mentioned are true, is there any hope in this marriage? Is there anything else that can be done before I move forward with the divorce? I didn’t tell her about divorce yet otherwise she would start a new set of fights. I’m 34 years old Indian. I would really like to live peacefully and have a family with kids. I’m definitely concerned about life after divorce. I still look look young, own a house in the US, got high paying job in FANG and look above average. Please advise.
If what you are saying is true, wow! What a psycho. If I were you, I would definitely consider separating
Get some game and divorce her. You probably suffer from what most Indian bros suffer from lack of game.
Question: Do you have the perseverance to put up with this life for another 45 years? (assuming you make the male life expectancy in the US) I'm 20 years more into a bad relationship that has some similarities to yours and would not recommend it to anyone.
How are you dealing with it ? 20years in misery, any regrets ? Or you got used to it ? Do you think divorce is the only option ?
Yeah, lots of regrets, but I don't dwell on them. Besides being an idiot for remaining in a bad relationship for 28 years, I'm fairly stoic. I put up with being in the Army for 8 years and then miserable jobs, so I can handle a good bit of adversity. Divorce would be smart for both of us, but we are both stubborn (we tried marriage counseling multiple times and my wife is no longer interested in trying). So I do my own thing mostly and spend time on hobbies, interests, and friends. I would not recommend staying in a bad marriage - life is too short.
You’re married to a crazy woman. You tried really hard. Now run away from crazy.
Everyone deserves respect in a relationship. You are not getting any. She is not happy with you either. No kids involved, separation is best. Both of you will get another chance to be happy in life.
Go to counseling and give her a chance to explain herself one last time and tell her about the divorce so that even she knows this is the last chance for both of you to make it work. Think about it, it is not easy to make connections after divorce. It will take time for you to heal. You will not be tagged as single, you will be a divorcee.
Thank you for your suggestion. Giving her one last chance may be an option. I'm ready to give 100%, but considering her personality, she will flake after 2-3 weeks. I can still try.
Please do! Divorce is easy. Specially in CA. But what if the last chance works and you guys are happy forever. Sounds like a fairytale I know.. but try one last time and tell her too that it is one last time.
You read her messages?
To answer your main question: Divorce. Better for both of you.
Giving up is super easy. Making it work is hard part. There are problems in every relationship. There is no perfect relationship. A positive motivation to OP might give him strength and turn this around. Divorce is not easy for Indian people.
Regardless it's only one side story or not, divorce seems to be the answer. I don't think she's psycho though. I think you are just bad match with her - which can't be 'fixed' because it's about the core of personality and how you both see the relationship.
Thank you for that thought. Never thought about personality issue before.
Your wife broke the cardinal rule of fighting: always fight fair and about the current problem and don’t escalate it by being about more than that. She has been contributing nothing but negativity, even when helped generously. You and your family acted well and honorably, and she repaid it with a mean spirited response. I don’t think you can salvage this. She doesn’t want to improve things, and adding kids to the mix makes things harder and not easier. I’d consider yourself lucky that you can get out of this now. If you think she has a slight chance of turning things around I would legally separate first. Move out and get your own place. It might be financially tight for a while but you will have so much more in the way of emotional resources that you will start to bounce back. She may even change her behavior. If she doesn’t, serve her with divorce papers and never look back.
Thank you for your suggestion
There's no way this can end well. Cut your losses.