Need male perspective

Salesforce ansibled
Oct 23 147 Comments

Met this dude on a dating website 6 months back. He pursued me and we met almost daily for 6 months. Both of us work at Amazon, him in AWS, live in downtown Seattle. So are pretty close to each other. We discussed everything from family, ambitions, fear, past relationships, career, and even call each other up for anything imp that happens in our lives. Told him yesterday that I have feelings for him. It was bothering me that I haven't put a label to this situation for so long and I'm exclusively seeing him as well. Also, I care about him. He didn't react well. Closed off. Says he needs more time.

What does this mean? Should I cut my losses? I really like this person, but seeing him exclusively and not being considered a girlfriend is driving me crazy and making me cry. I'm 37, he's 40.

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TOP 147 Comments
  • Google workfrom🏝
    The issue is that you are too old to marry op. So he likes to bang and hang out, but knows he can’t marry. Not trying to be a jerk, hope you avoid wasting any more time on this guy. Biology is cruel :(
    Oct 23 16
    • SAP yr4d3
      '..the guy would prefer to marry a 22 year old lady'. OP would also prefer to marry a multi millionaire.
      Oct 24
    • Google gewg
      And that's totally fair. If she KNOWs for a fact that with very little additional effort on her part a millionaire would propose to her and that's what she prefers then she deserves to have what she desires
      Oct 25
    • SAP yr4d3
      lol..keep pretending as though millionaires and 22 y olds are walking around waiting to marry people double their age and/ or half their salary.
      Oct 25
    • Salesforce tensorjazz
      Wtf is this.. op isn't even replying 😀
      Oct 25
    • Google gewg
      So you can't fathom a millionaire marrying a non millionaire model?
      And you can't fathom a 22 year old marrying a 40 year old successful millionaire?
      Well ok i guess we can talk about what's the weather like on this remote island that you live on
      Oct 26
  • Apple KGHP41
    Did you guys sleep together or was this just platonic friends thing? If you didn’t sleep together, he might have thought you’re just being good friends, hanging out and whatnot.
    Oct 23 30
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      No. I told you, he can quit his job and I'll be fine. I like him because he doesn't take success to his head. And inspires me to not rest on my laurels.

      I was engaged for a year with someone before who made less than half. Didn't work out because of stuff on his end.

      Symantec, I get your point - I have friends who are like who you describe. But coming from an academic background I have more respect for intellectual curiosity and humility than money.
      Oct 24
    • Symantec spidrman
      @racers, I am not trolling , but putting my life experiences and it’s truly based on incidences that happened in my life and I was heartbroken 😔 . This could happen in anyone’s life and people can read and know different kind of people that exists in this world.

      OP, if you like that guy so much just tell him. I know you will have fear of losing him completely. But there is no point overthinking about it.
      Oct 24
    • Axtria racers
      @symantec I see. I am sorry your experience wasn't great. I think men tend to filter out a lot of great women on ridiculous things like "oh she wasn't super hot" "oh she wasn't great in bed" "oh I am too good for her" "oh I am not sure I want to commit" and then they complain about getting used or dumped later.

      There are a lot of women who value people for who they are, and not just fleeting things like money. Surprisingly, many of these women are not on dating apps and prefer to meet people in real life for the notorious image that dating apps have. I hope you find your perfect woman :)
      Oct 24
    • Symantec spidrman
      You don’t need to be sorry @racers. This is life, you have to face it with smile :)
      Oct 24
    • Axtria racers
      Like your attitude, it's a learning curve through which we all figure out what we want. Keep that up :)
      Oct 24
  • rewardStyle kingpen
    Give him time, but timebox it. Good luck.
    Oct 23 6
    • rewardStyle kingpen
      I feel like 4 - 6 weeks should be fine.
      Oct 23
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      Ok
      Oct 23
    • Apple maori007
      Agree with above, he may have been surprised and did not know how to react.

      Give him time, meet him again without bringing this up. Revisit the conversation after a couple of weeks
      Oct 23
    • Intuit dhruehs
      Seriously? He’s a 40 year old. If he doesn’t know how to respond or communicate is he really the type of guy you want to date? If it’s not a hell yes it’s a hell no! If he wants to be exclusive with you he will make that clear. It sucks that women have to go on emotional roller coasters over guys who don’t feel the same way or want exclusivity. Girl don’t waste your time with that
      Oct 24
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      I'm more upset with myself for being in this situation at 37 and emoting like I'm 21. Maturity and age aren't very correlated. :(
      Oct 24
  • Amazon / Eng SmkWdEvyDy
    Holy shit, 6 months and nothing official? I'd have given up months ago
    Oct 23 15
    • Google gewg
      Here's some curiosity based male perspective: Based on your answers to theXXStory ^ I'd like to ask these questions.. you say you won't be monogamous for 6 months just to avoid emotions/attachment. So when you're seeing multiple guys during that 6 months period,
      1.. would you expect the non exclusivity to go both ways? Meaning would you also expect each of them dating girls other than you?
      2.. Will you share this information with each one of them by telling them that you're not exclusive with them?
      3.. Let's say at the end of 6 months, one of them brings up getting engaged or married and therefore proposes being exclusive. Since you successfully kept emotions at bay by round robining more than one guys, your emotional journey with this one dude will now begin under the shelter of exclusivity. At that point would you simply ghost the other guys you were seeing or let them know you're going exclusive elsewhere?
      4.. what if one of those guys was already being exclusive with you and had genuine care and emotions for you? What about his emotions? Or is that simply not your problem?
      Oct 28
    • Facebook maple dip
      lmao how did you project that much from "I tend to not care for any type of formal commitment until 6 months in"
      Oct 28
    • Google gewg
      How ?
      Well.. easily
      Oct 28
    • @ansibled I don't actively look to date other ppl at the same time, but I wouldn't refrain from it either if someone I'm attracted to actively pursues me in real-life. And I would be totally cool with this main guy that I really like to be still looking as well.
      Oct 28
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      I think I'll tell him that I want to protect myself and keep options open for myself and not to take offense. Let the pieces in place fall when they may. Better perspective after letting this rest for few weeks.
      Oct 30
  • Microsoft / Manufacturing __Ranveer
    Can you actually ‘fall in love’ at 37. Isn’t that something that stops happening after 30?
    Oct 23 14
    • Axtria racers
      @ranveer is that true? I thought so as well, after being single for a while, until I found myself in love at 30. I know someone who went through a divorce, stopped believing in love, planned to date only "his kind" of women, until one day he found a woman who wasn't "his kind" but made him fall in love a second time. Dating is something logical that doesn't work, until someday illogically and mysteriously it does.

      @Cadence the grass is greener on the other side. Breakups are hard, and sometimes they can make or break you inside out. I wish I didn't know how love feels. Unfortunately, I do.
      Oct 23
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      I guess in this case for me it's admiration. I haven't lived with him to pledge love. But there's attraction and admiration. To answer your question this can happen at any age. I haven't had a love at first sight kind of thing after maybe 22.
      Oct 23
    • Microsoft / Manufacturing __Ranveer
      I think there is certain naivety and innocence needed to fall in love - hard. It is the place, where you can ignore or you don’t even really see analytical fallacies in to the person you are ‘in love’ with. And as you grow old the world strips you out of that innocence and makes you hard. So you keep making decisions, with the more rational side of your brain, prempting your intuitional instinct.

      And that somehow leads to a more ‘calculated relationship’ rather than a “I am in love and I don’t give a f about anything else” scenario.
      At least that is what I have noticed in my friends and peers. But when I do go above 30, I might have a different perspective.
      Oct 23
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      Let's say you fall in love with N people. In your 30s you will pursue it with a small subset of those N people. So you still fall in love hard but won't pursue marriage or relationship every time your in love. 😀
      Reason is, you have much to lose. You've already built career, money, family, attachment, have aged parents to take care of, what not obligations and cannot go the length with everyone to be compatible with their lives. With those you narrow down you'll share a deeper and more mature Relationship. Such has been my experience.
      Oct 23
    • Axtria racers
      @Ranveer and OP you summarized it well. This is exactly what happens as you step into your 30s, more like late 20s. After you have had your share of naive love, everything that follows are calculated relationships. However, occassionally you may fall in love with someone again but then the logical mind kicks in trying to evaluate possibilities of a future, resist unpleasant situations, the pros and cons of pursuing it etc which ultimately governs our decision of whether or not to follow it. For good or bad reasons, all the reasons which OP listed trump love as you grow older.
      Oct 23
  • Amazon milf4u
    Depends, what’s his TC ?
    Oct 23 4
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      Both of us make in the 400k range.
      Oct 23
    • Fast Enterprises / Eng nskcjx4
      Tell him you found a new guy making 500K and he can have fun closing off. 6 months with no label is dumb unless you agreed to be fwb
      Oct 23
    • Boeing scBo60
      @anisbled I know this is way off topic, but can you mentor me? i want to be in the 400k range
      Oct 30
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      One principle I followed in my career - don't chase titles and levels. Focus on being an expert. Pick some area that you are passionate about. For me it was optimization/ tensor algebra/ ml etc. For you it may be something else. Try to be an expert in that area. My first decade I pretty much worked in academia and research and tried to have quality publications. The money came later. And when it did, it happened to be on my terms - ie in an area that I'm passionate to work on and in a capacity that I can over deliver. Also, prioritize life as well. You can't sustain high TC if you don't have a fulfilling life.

      I started in the bay area and more than quadrupled TC last 6 years accounting for lower col here.
      Oct 30
  • Lyft wXfl07
    Sorry to inform you that your chance of having children is dropping like a stone right now. 3% chance of successful pregnancy per month while trying at age 35 == 39 YRS OLD mean age at birth for first (and only) child. You are 37 and may already need donor eggs.

    Lots of women play the field too long with huge egos while their eggs expire inside of them .... Don't waste too much time on this guy as you don't have a minute to lose, yourself, that biological clock of yours is about to run out ..

    Life is harsh get back out there and start meeting 1 eligible bachelor per week, make it your #1 priority, I wish you good luck.. .
    Oct 26 3
    • Axtria racers
      Stop pressurizing OP by telling her she ain't good enough if she doesn't have kids or if she is past the biological age. Everyone is valuable, even if they don't have kids, by choice or by circumstance. You need the stop treating women as merely baby making machines.
      Oct 26
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      Yes I understand - except that I don't agree that women play the field because of large egos , sometimes things just don't work out.
      Oct 26
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      Also we have emotions, it's hard to bounce from one guy to the next.
      I also agree that I might have to emotionally detach from him. :(
      Oct 26
  • If a guy is serious, he will make every effort to express his intention early either directly or indirectly IMO.

    Big decisions are made by gut feeling as opposed to analyzing or rationalizing be it 6 months or 6 years.

    I've was in the dating game for a while and was trying to figure out compatibility in late 20s to early 30s but nothing ever clicked.

    Then I met this girl online, we went on a date, talked non stop for 7 days. What you said you did in 6 months happened in 7 days for me with constant talking/texting.

    Before the second date, I said to myself this just feels right. She's the one. Something that I've never felt before. I didn't overthink and decided to take my chances to see if the feeling is mutual with the risk that she will say no and also think I'm crazy.

    Got the ring and proposed at the end of the second date. Crazy right? She couldn't believe it either and was in shock but took her changes anyway!. She's 4 year younger than me. Rest is history. Best decision I've made in life so far.

    When you love someone don't over analyze. There are societal norms alright but one size never fits all. You did the right thing, expressed your feelings, now give him his space, if the feeling is mutual he will come back if not move on.
    Oct 23 2
    • Deloitte / IT
      BigChin

      Deloitte IT

      PRE
      Deloitte
      BigChinmore
      Happy for you!
      Oct 24
    • Cadence / Eng
      pretzle

      Cadence Eng

      PRE
      Intel Corporation
      pretzlemore
      How old were you both? Proposal on a second date and accepting to me sounds like those scam calls I get telling I won a cruise- where I actually decided to act on it than cutting the call. I wouldn't do it, but that's just me
      Oct 24
  • Infosys BRY47
    Give him some time to sort things out the ask for his feelings in like a week. Try to not contact him during this time.
    Oct 23 0
  • Apple poiuyy
    Did you have an agreement for being exclusive? Or was it just something that YOU decided? If it was your own decision, I'd say it'd be on you if things don't work out. Take responsibility for your decisions.
    Oct 23 9
    • Apple poiuyy
      I don't understand how people get emotional when there's really no commitment from both sides. It's fine to have feelings but it's not ok to not control them if both sides are not on the same page (or if you don't know which page the other one is on).
      Oct 23
    • Apple poiuyy
      Just give him time (and time box it) and don't overthink it. If things don't go well, just move on.
      Oct 23
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      Ok. I don't know how to make commitment without getting emotional and now you tell me that getting emotional without commitment is not typical. Finding a partner seems like some strange lottery. Nothing works until it finally does.

      Thanks for that - am going to time box it.
      Oct 23
    • Apple poiuyy
      I mean I myself don't like the idea of "dating without commitment" which is becoming very normal these days. All I'm saying it is normal these days (just stating the facts).
      Try to broaden your network (not just the tech/work people) and you may find yours.
      Good luck
      Oct 23
    • Axtria racers
      Haha well said OP
      Oct 23
  • Axtria racers
    You are thinking too much, let him take his time and come up with what he feels. Sometimes, conversations can be unexpected and need some time to be digested, and ponder over where you stand, what you want, are you ready to step into the new phase, is it infatuation or do you want to convert it into a relationship. There are a lot of things, I think it's a positive thing that he is taking time to think about it and not give quick decisions in the moment
    Oct 23 3
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      Thanks. How can I straddle giving time but not too much time?
      Oct 23
    • Google swinglyf
      Go ahead and start seeing other people. Assume the worst but keep the door open to a change of mind.
      Oct 24
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      This, I guess.
      Oct 24
  • Flowcast lulll
    He’s probably married
    Oct 23 0
  • Cadence / Eng
    pretzle

    Cadence Eng

    PRE
    Intel Corporation
    pretzlemore
    Men and their confusings! I wish I didn't have to pursue them...seriously!
    Oct 23 5
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      I know!
      Oct 23
    • Twitter Lemonade🍋
      Then just select from a wider group of men. Stop with your misandry.
      Oct 23
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      Hmm... Feelings are pseudorandom. I don't control when and with whom they happen. I also don't pursue until I already develop them 🤦‍♀️
      Oct 23
    • Amazon jtGV66
      Who says you have to?
      Oct 23
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      Reply was to that lemonade person.
      Oct 23
  • Amazon / Product LH48
    6 months is 4 months longer than I'd wait. You're not kids, you should know what you're looking for at this point. That being said, it is what it is. Agree with others to give him a couple of weeks with no contact to decide if he's in or out.
    Oct 23 0
  • Uber / Eng itsdara
    He has other obligations, or is gay
    Oct 23 0
  • Amazon milf4u
    But they aren’t having sex... maybe he is gay and needs an older f**-hag?
    Oct 23 0
  • New / Eng ellabruh
    Has he ever been married? Have you?
    Oct 23 3
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      One of us has been
      Oct 23
    • New / Eng ellabruh
      Assuming it’s him, correct me if I’m wrong. Is he over that relationship, is he open to new relationships? Does he just want the familiarity and someone to share things with in a (slightly more than) platonic way?
      Oct 23
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      Haven't thought about this. Might be subconscious on his end if at all. I guess I'll just lay low and observe.
      Oct 23
  • Amazon / Product LH48
    Your numbers are very misleading, if anyone is reading this hopefully yoh fo your research and don't rely on this incorrect comment
    Oct 27 1
  • Deloitte / Data Ceeker
    Since you guys are so close, why dont you just open him up and ask why he's pulling back? Assure him you're ready to take what's coming.

    Honestly, as a guy and from all I know of my kinda, (and while he might be an outlier or he's pulling back for reasons you dont know), I dont think there's market here for u
    Oct 25 1
    • Salesforce tensorjazz
      Why isn't there market for OP
      Oct 25
  • Facebook akeli
    OP, may I ask which dating site? Just curious. I’m older than you, but we can be friends :)
    Oct 24 1
    • Salesforce ansibled
      OP
      Hinge.
      Sure ping me, happy to be friends
      Oct 24

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