My girlfriend of 1y just broke up with me.
When we started dating, I was covering the cost of all our activities (including long trips, ...) and that’s ok, since my TC is higher than hers. A few months into dating, I made it clear that I would have liked things to be a bit more balanced. For example, if I pay dinner maybe she could pay Uber or drinks. For a while, things went ok, but inevitably regressed to the norm of me paying for everything.
Yesterday, after the whole day hanging out and me covering all the expenses (lunch, Uber, drinks, tickets, so 200$+) I broke down and asked her if she thought I was an ATM for her. She became very upset and broke up with me saying “if you don’t like doing nice things for me, I can find someone who can”. To whom I replied: “I’m sure you can. Good luck”.
She’s really not a bad person and has put up with a lot of weird situations, and in general was a keeper to me. But it is what it is. Also, while being the first time my “cheapness” degenerates into a breakup, similar situations happened in the past with other women, so I think the problem might be me.
In general, I grew up very poor so I like to be frugal with money, I’m 31 and through aggressive savings I grew my net worth from 0 to 1.5M liquid even without working at FAANG. Also, since someone might ask, I’m white, and generally don’t have too many problems finding a date.
What would you suggest? I’m also considering saving for a few more years in the Bay and then FIRE in a cheap south east Asia country where cost of living won’t be high, so i won’t spend a fortune on women.
My girlfriend of 1y just broke up with me.
- New !=faangBased on the data you provided,I think you dodged a bullet man! She wants to be taken care of financially which means she is looking for a daddy and not a partner! In the long run, there is a good chance that she would wanna take a huge slice of that 1.5 M.
- As a man it is your responsibility to be upfront with your intentions about anything including splitting 50-50 on dates, trips etc.
This way, plausible deniability cannot be used. She can either accept or reject your program. The best part about it? She has the freedom to choose. No one is forcing anything. Yes it maybe a bit harsh and upfront but at least you know definitively and most importantly you aren't wasting your time or money.
Don't allow yourself to be played. Seriously.
- Gap / Eng randUseryeah, relationships are expensive. would you rather be lonely with high TC?
- Dell / Eng //////moreLol. Why are you even stressing out about $200 ? You FIRE folks are pretty pathetic
- Doesn't matter if you are a white European or a black one :) just wanted to know the country to gauge the extent of cheapness.
My belief is, you are not cheap, but usa is way too "uncheap".
Your way is just the right way.
If money is the only thing separating you, I would say, get back to your gf (make a drama or apologize if required). You both have a cultural difference, find a middle-ground.
Finding a good person is more difficult than finding money. My 2c.
- Google gbnMore importantly, can you walk us through how you saved $1.5M liquid by age 31?
- 8 years. Roughly 7% IRR measured in excel where I keep track of my finances, standard 3 fund portfolio so even vanguard would probably report that IRR for their growth fund. I probably contributed on average 150k every year (less at the beginning, more lately), so the math is easy.Mar 20 1
- Google / Eng SexIsLoveYou will be fine man. You were able to have sex with so many women and have $1.5M net worth now. That's a superb rating.
You will be choosing your next girl instead of being chosen by girls. It is always better to be making choices than to have choices made for you. I have not been on the choosing side and no one chooses me. lol
- Google / Eng BluthsMy girlfriend makes half of what I make. We split most stuff pretty evenly (except for rent which we split 30/70). She feels bad if she sometimes feels like I am spending more than she is, which I sometimes do since I like doing nice things for her.
You dodged a bullet. No woman today should expect a man to be the only one paying for stuff. If she is, the situation will only keep getting worse.
- Eventually you’re going to have to realize that this problem is much more than just was she wrong or are you wrong or what are best financial practices in relationship.
I’ve been with a girl for 3 years and I have no problem paying for 80% of our dates. To this day we will fight for who gets to pay. It’s not because we’re awesome or we’re super in love, but not letting money rule you. And not letting this feeling of “she owes me because I bought this nice dinner.”
Ultimately in relationships you need to work it out. Talk these things out. If you don’t, good luck with any relationship.
You might find a girl who has money or who shares similar financial views as you (ie willing to split bills) - but you’ll find that because you aren’t willing to sacrifice things, talk through problems, you will run into 1000 other things to fight over / break up over
- It’s nice that you’re keeping an open mind, but in life it helps a lot more to call them like you see them. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, its a duck.
To quote one of my favorite shows, when you hear hoofbeats, you should think horses, not zebras.
Unbalanced, selfish people say shit they can’t take back during break up. Healthy, balanced people don’t cross some lines ever.
- “Unbalanced, selfish people say shit they can’t take back during break up. Healthy, balanced people don’t cross some lines ever.”
I honesty don’t understand people who say hurtful things during breakup. Why bottle it up and hold it in only then to explode? If you don’t like something - get it resolved in the moment.
Say, just because my partner ended up cheating on me, while we agreed for this relationship to be monogamous, it wouldn’t negate any of my feelings for her. I had a great time, I enjoyed it while it lasted, otherwise I would have ended it myself earlier. I don’t feel a need to discard my feelings, to reject them. I wouldn’t feel hurt, or if I do it won’t be for very long. Her act of cheating does not negate my love. Letting her go comes out of my love for her because I want her to be happy, and clearly her relationship with me does not meet her needs. That feeling of trust simply isn’t there anymore. If she needed some penus on the side and asked me about it, we would’ve worked something out. Breakup is a great thing as she can now find someone who will be a good match for her, and so will I for myself. There is no breakup depression, or breakup trauma. Not on my side.Mar 17 2
- “It’s tough to be rational in those situations, even if it’s the right thing to do.”
It is tough because in Western culture people believe you have to repress your feelings and let your mind take over to be rational and logical. You have to “force” yourself into doing the right thing. You have to be your own manager. You have to be the one who feels, the one who notices that feeling, and the one who polices it - it is incredibly draining. You don’t need to “swallow” the hurt you feel while you let your mind be reasonable, rational, etc, as you control yourself. This does not work, because how you feel will determine how you think and act. Repressing your feelings overtime leads to psychosomatic illnesses. Repressing your emotions, controlling them, is the very reason people feel the need to go to therapy, psychoanalysis - it is a symptom of a self-control culture. Luckily, there is a much better way.
Everything that you feel is a result of a cultural/upbringing/personality program in your mind. Apart from instinct responses like to hot water, physical pain, everything you feel is a result of learned behavior. Even the type of women you’re attracted to is inflicted by your mother, your culture, your environment. It is a result of an idea, of a thought. At some point you’ve already learned and decided what to feel in which situation, and when it happens in real life you’re simply playing out the well-learned pathways. If you spend time observing and questioning why you feel the way you do - you’ll experientially realize the truth of what I’m saying. Meditation helps in that.
If you believe that your partner must value you if you buy expensive things for them, and then they don’t, even though you spend a ton of money on them, you will feel hurt and rejected. And once you feel that, there are two options: 1) you blame your partner, build resentment, create tension OR 2) you look at the feeling (feel it with your body in the moment) and ask yourself: why do I feel the way I do? And you’ll know exactly why - the feeling has that information, you just know. You know you want her to value you because you buy expensive shit for that ungrateful *****! Once you know, you can change your behavior. For example, you can stop buying expensive gifts, or stop expecting your partner to love you for it, or find a partner who has a matching program of her own when she wants a guy to buy her shit and then she loves him for it.
The key here is to integrate what you feel with how you think. Instead of seeing a relationship as a negotiation, as a logical construct with a fixed set of parameters and rules, you instead FEEL it. You FEEL the person, instead of THINKING the person. Your compass isn’t your rational mind where your reason for staying with someone is logically deduced “She’s best I’ve met so far, so why lose a good thing?”, but a feeling where you instead feel/think “I love being around this person, being in their presence makes me a better person.” Once you change your compass from thinking to feeling, it will be SO EASY to find women you have a fantastic chemistry with and you “just get” each other. You’ll get in touch with what you like, and you’ll simply feel it in your body. Not lust, but a feeling of familiarity, closeness, openness with another person. It takes some practice, experience, and observation.
I don’t say hurtful things not because I make an effort to be rational and restrict myself. But because I’ve built enough awareness of my feelings/emotions, enough understanding of how my feelings and thoughts work together. I don’t say hurtful things because I don’t feel all that hurt, and I don’t see much of a point - it is a complete waste of time. In fact, I will do what I can to make sure my partner does not get hung up on me (women need closure, but should also have a chance to learn from mistakes so I will be mean if it’s necessary), will be able to move on (and not stalk me). My actions do not come from a sense of wanting to get even, from wanting my partner to feel the hurt I feel, but from a sense of compassion and love for a fellow human being I care about.
Your definition of love is most likely very different from mine. My love is very simple, very straight forward. It doesn’t consume me. I don’t feel like I’m missing a part of me that another person has to fulfill. I can equally love someone by being with them, or letting them go. My love is about wellbeing of the other person. If I see being with me is not good for my partner, I will leave. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t express anger, negative feelings, towards my partner, because I’m only human not saint. It’s more like love of a wise grandfather for his grandkids, than crazy passion between two lovers. 🤷♂️ It works for me.
- Amazon leetN00bYou are not too cheap for a relationship. There has to be compatibility on the expected balance. The way you began the relationship changed. If such a change is not gradual it could be tough. Since you have been bringing this up for some time, she just may not be for you or you could always be unhappy if you are not compatible with spending expectations.
- SAP hh@33As a woman, I guess I do expect my boyfriend to cover most of the expenses, but not all. I think I get 20% or 30% hehh. It’s just nice! My time is valuable to me though, I wouldn’t spend it with someone I don’t see myself with long term. If you think of relationship as something that may turn into marriage then perhaps it may be different. For both of you even
- Maybe so, but what if the better-earning partner wants to go on a vacation, or, move to a residence nearer both their work locations - both more expensive than the less richer partner can equally pay for? Should they not take such a step because both can't afford it equally, or should they only go for low cost-but-less-satisfactory options because both partners can contribute to it equally but which, the higher-earning partner could easily get them out of without affecting his/ her finances greatly if (s)he wishes?Mar 26 1
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- She doesn’t have any idea whatsoever about my net worth or income. She just knows I work in tech. In fact, one time she guessed my income and it was much lower than reality, and I let her believe it was even lower than what she guessed. As I said, I’m very guarded with money and would never reveal those personal detail to anyone.
How do you find girls? 30 in 3years sounds like a lot of effort. Are you trying too hard, showing your wealth/financial stability? You said you don’t have issues with finding dates, maybe it’s a wrong source of dates. Sounds like you approach attracts girls who see your wallet first, what do you think? Can you find a date in a different way?
- I mean it still sounds like 3k. Just an example - my friend who looks like a money bag and earns 500k in Goldman makes all his dates either go Dutch or pay for him. Maybe the way you look attracts “cheap” girls who do not have this financial dignity that wealthier girls will have?
- SAP mjdjjIqUF01, your friend's attitude also does not seem worth emulating..for someone to earn $500k and still make his dates pay (assuming his dates earn less than him) speaks a lot about him. In general, both parties, if financially capable, should share costs (need not be equally, always), at least to a level that no one feels they are getting the short end of the stick.
- Females these days only care about comfort and money. If they aren’t worth the investment, spend it on yourself and friends instead. Don’t get married then divorce in the PNW either as the state is very predatory against men in court - doubly so if you have kids with your future ex wife.
- Juniper scandeepIt sounds like you saved yourself lots of trouble down the road with this girl who I’m guessing will become a gold digger. Also let me guess, was she Asian?
- Evernote ji32k7au4It sounds like you care less about spending money on her and more if she actually loves you or just your money. You asked it in a very forward but offensive way. The way you came off sounds like you don’t know if her feelings are genuine and that can be hurtful.
You could just ask her to pay or give her the opportunity to pay. It sounds like its too late though. Idk how it ends up regressing to the norm. If it’s something you care about you need to drive it and talk about it. Anyone who cares would be receptive.
You don’t have to do expensive things all the time either. Cook together and pay for groceries, go on a hike, etc. if she wants to do expensive shit, ask to split. If she does or always assumes you’ll pay, thats a bad sign.
- The real math is how much more you spend divided by number of blowjobs she gave. If it’s more than $500/blowjob, ditch her.
- Something great happened to you. Cherish it and never ever ever put yourself in that situation again. She was clearly treating you like a disposable utility and the breakup line she used on you is soooo telling. Good riddance. This isn’t love, it’s whoring around.
I’ll go one step further and say that if a woman isn’t investing in you 1) emotionally, 2) financially, and 3) with her time, you should move on ASAP.
I’m in your corner, bro. ✊🏻
- You behaved like a resource so she treated you like a resource. You got dumped because a better resource came along.
Try having some self-respect and don't be a simp.
- Broadcom Ltd. ilbIt is not you, nor your xGF issue. It is the Bay area. So many in tech, male dominated, high TC, chasing few eligible woman. Guys are eager to spoil their dates with expensive outings. It has become a norm for a woman in Bay area going out on a date to expect a guy to pickup the tab.