facing an ultimatum
I'm struggling with a relationship decision and interested in what the good people of Blind have to say. Background: I'm talking to a girl for one year now. She lived in another city, but moving to my city in a month grad school. Over past year, we visited each other & traveled together every other month. We had a non-exclusive arrangement. Basically "don't ask don't tell". Last time she visited, we had "the talk" - she wants to take our relationship to a more serious level once she gets here. To me it seems like an ultimatum. "Shit or get off the pot" comes to mind. I don't like how drastic it seems - it's like the only options she'll be OK with are 1. bf/gf relationship 2. we're done. Is it really a "waste of our time" to be casual? I like her and admire her. We have a strong physical and intellectual connection, maybe not so much emotionally. I don't feel like she's "the one" and as such I've kept entertaining other options. We're both mid 20s. What factors should I be considering? Should I give the committed relationship thing a shot? Any pitfalls to be aware of? TC: 200k
Cheat
If you don’t think “she’s the one” don’t give her false hope with your trial shot. She deserves to move on to better things in life.
Tell her she's not the one, but you would still like to keep the arrangement you have.
You’re being a total douche nozzle. Sack up. Let her know honestly how you feel about her, that is literal minimum that you can do. If she has any sense, she’ll find an emotionally mature person with which to begin a meaningful relationship.
How am I being a douche nozzle? By not having already told her that I don't see her as the one?
Yes. If “the talk” caught you by surprise I get to bringing it up in that moment. There is. O reason not to tell her now that you have had time to think about it. you should break it off anyway before she moves. If she is here you will be spending more time and emotional energy there and that will distract from find a partner, which you seem to want.
Don't pretend to play along if you don't feel the same way that she does. Nothing stops you from keeping that intellectual connection going if you prefer that. At some stage, people want physical and emotional connection to go together. She seems to be getting there while you aren't.
You might regret letting her go. It’s not easy to find a girl in Tech. Up to you
Lol she's not in tech
YOU are presumably in tech, aka woman repellent.
This is not an ultimatum. Seems like a natural progression of a relationship. The fact that you view it as an ultimatum seem to suggest that this is not what you want. Just let her know and move on.
In your shoes, I gave it a shot. There have been some rough spots, but we are married with kids, more than 10 years together, and I can't imagine having a better spouse/partner/lover.
What do you have to lose by trying exclusivity out for 3-6 months after she’s here? See how it feels in real life rather than on vacation when all the distractions and stresses of day to day fade away. It will feel different for sure and right now you are writing this possibility off without ever really exploring it. If you are 100% absolutely sure she is not a good match then no need to try it out.If you KNOW that, you owe this person you respect and care about your honesty and let her decide what is best for herself based on all the data. (and this “the one” concept is bull hockey. There are lots of people you might fit with well enough and each relationship will have its own flavor and drawbacks and advantages over the others.)
That's a great point, thank you
Life is short. Leave her so you can find "the one"
Don't take this seriously lol.